Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am originally from Jamaica, and my husband is American. Because of my upbringing, I only really know how to make Jamaican cuisine; I’m not good at cooking anything else. My husband doesn’t like the food that I make. I would describe him as having a limited palate. He only likes traditional American food and fast food. I think it’s slightly offensive that he can’t even be bothered with the foods that I grew up eating. My cooking represents so much of who I am and my culture, but I cannot force him to eat anything. Should I try to learn to cook the foods he likes? Or should he try to become accustomed to eating what I cook? -- Jamaican Wife

DEAR JAMAICAN WIFE: In the best of worlds, the two of you will sit down together and agree to learn how to cook each other’s cuisine. There is something about you that attracted you to your husband in the first place -- and vice versa. Culture has to be at the core of it, and that includes food.

While your husband may want traditional American cuisine as his fallback foods, he may be able to grow to like some of your specialties. Talk about it and come up with a strategy that is appealing to both of you. For instance, you could take a classic American cooking class together where you both learn how to make particular dishes, and you agree to make them together at home. Similarly, see if you can teach him a few of your Jamaican meals, so he may grow to have an appreciation for the mixture of spices and textures in your food.

Ultimately, a combination of your two cuisines can become the food that you eat at home. But it will take a bit of work to get the two of you on the same page.

DEAR HARRIETTE: It’s been months since my friend and I had a huge argument. We’ve resolved everything, but I’m realizing now that I didn’t get everything off of my chest. I’m not someone who lets things go easily, and I really would prefer to get it all out in the open now. Is it worth it to revisit the issue with my friend even though things were seemingly resolved? -- Revisiting

DEAR REVISITING: Think long and hard about this reignition of your argument before you go there. What outcome do you hope to achieve by opening up old wounds? How can you address the issue without simply fanning the embers of a conflict that occurred months ago? What can you say that may create space for the two of you to have a calm conversation about the matter?

If you can come up with a productive way to approach this situation, go for it. But if it is likely that whatever you say will just spark a new argument without true resolution, it isn’t worth it. You may have to decide if the friendship is worth forgiving that moment and moving on without complete resolution. If you cannot accept that option, you can either bring up the topic anyway and see how volatile it gets or move away from the friendship.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend told his mother one of my biggest secrets. The two of them are very close, but I’m deeply upset with him for repeating something I asked him to never share. I feel deeply betrayed and embarrassed. At first I felt angry enough to consider a breakup, but I’ve since calmed down. Would I be overreacting if I never told him another secret again? What would the correct response be? -- Betrayed

DEAR BETRAYED: The problem with secrets is that too often that confidence is betrayed. There always seems to be someone to confide in, even when you have promised to keep something to yourself. Witness your boyfriend and his mother.

Talk to your boyfriend and make it clear to him how upset you have been about his betrayal. Be sure he understands that this violation of trust makes you question whether it is safe to talk to him about your innermost feelings and your most tender stories. Admit that you are doubting whether you can confide in him anymore. Ask him why he chose to share this secret with his mother after you explicitly asked him not to.

Ultimately, you will have to weigh each situation to decide what you share with your boyfriend. Whenever you reveal something private to anyone, there is a chance that it will be shared with others. Sometimes it is more important to say it anyway. You will have to decide when the revelation is more important than the secrecy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I subleased an apartment from my friend who had to move unexpectedly. Her cousin and I are splitting the sublease as roommates. I recently found out that her cousin hasn’t been paying as much as I have for rent. I’m upset because I’m a full-time student, so the rent has been a challenge for me. Should I confront them about this? My friend was doing me a favor by letting me move in because I simply couldn’t afford on-campus housing anymore, but I feel taken advantage of. -- Subleasing

DEAR SUBLEASING: Unfortunately, you probably have no rights here. You can check with a lawyer or with housing court, but I doubt they can offer relief. Did you sign a lease, for starters? Very often when people sublease, it is done under the table, so to speak.

While what your friend did -- lopsidedly dividing the rent -- was not fair, in your eyes, you may not be able to change anything. You can appeal to her humanity. Tell her that you just learned that her cousin is paying less than you are paying. Point out that it is a stretch for you to pay the amount you agreed to, given your student status. Ask her if she would consider rebalancing the amount you pay.

If you really cannot afford to pay this rent, you may want to look for another home. If the sublet is off the books, bringing it up to the landlord could result in everybody getting evicted. If it is legal, it means you two agreed on particular rental amounts, and that would be binding.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom owes me a lot of money, but she keeps trying to guilt me every time I ask for it back. I’ve been helping my mom pay rent since I was 18 years old; now I’m almost 24. I can’t afford my own place, but I can afford to help out. She asks for help with a lot of things -- aside from rent -- and I always feel obligated to say yes, but she usually promises that she will pay me back. I haven’t seen a dime from her in years, but she keeps asking for more. What should I do? -- Pay Me Back

DEAR PAY ME BACK: My guess is that your mother has asked you to help pay rent all these years because she needed your assistance. Out of guilt, she didn’t completely tell you the truth -- she needed you to support the family budget. I recommend that you consider the money you have contributed to your household a contribution that will not be repaid. It will help you to stop keeping score.

Looking at this moment and the future, you can adopt a different approach. Thank your mother for allowing you to live with her now that you are an adult. Tell her you need to manage your finances so that eventually you can live on your own. Let her know how much you can contribute monthly to the household, and stick to that.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend’s birthday is coming up in a few weeks, but earlier this year she completely forgot my birthday. She still hasn’t said anything about it, and it’s been more than eight months. Is it petty of me to not acknowledge her birthday because she didn’t acknowledge mine? She isn’t throwing any type of celebration, so it would be easy enough to act like I genuinely forgot. -- Friend Forgot Birthday

DEAR FRIEND FORGOT BIRTHDAY: It is past time for you to let this go. Chances are your friend has zero recollection of missing your birthday. Is that hurtful? Clearly it is for you. But you have held a grudge about this for nearly a year. That is long enough. Instead, forgive your friend for forgetting, for being distracted, for missing your birthday -- for whatever the reason may have been. Let that go. And, of course, wish her a happy birthday since you do remember.

Yes, one’s birthday can be considered one’s most special day -- or not. Life happens. Whatever caused your friend to miss celebrating you on your big day does not mean that you should snub her in retaliation.

I have a friend from high school. Our practice is to reach out and say happy birthday every year, even if we don’t speak otherwise. I recall a few years ago when I did not hear from this friend, and I admit that it hurt my feelings. I did not say anything. Some months later, he reached out to apologize for not contacting me on my big day. I appreciated it, but it also made me realize that I did not nor should not need his validation of my day to feel complete. Instead, I decided to focus on enjoying my day in the moment and basking in whatever acknowledgment comes my way. This approach has made me much happier. Try it!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)