Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year now. She recently told me that she still has a lot of the gifts that an ex-boyfriend gave her. I got a lot of pushback from her when I told her that it made me uncomfortable that she still has the gifts. I think that her unwillingness to part with them may signify an emotional attachment to the items -- and thus an emotional attachment to the person who gave them to her. Could I be overthinking this? -- Throw Them Out

DEAR THROW THEM OUT: Start by assessing what the gifts are. I wouldn’t automatically say that your girlfriend is holding on to old feelings about her ex because she has some stuff he gave her. It could simply be that she likes the things. Ask her and listen to what she has to say. I would be worried if she seems to go down memory lane when she speaks of her ex or of the items in question.

The reality is that if you date someone who previously was with someone else, it is likely that the person may have items from the ex. Even more, there surely are memories of their times together. You may want to know a bit about what she liked about this person, how they spent their time and why they broke up. Rather than automatically wanting her to expunge any memory of him from her life, learn about her past. Allow her to learn about yours as well, and see where this path of mutual discovery leads you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend and I are together probably 80% of the time. I spend pretty much every weekend with her, and we see each other most weeknights. It is rare that I make plans without her, but it does happen. Sometimes I would prefer to do certain things without her. She doesn’t seem to want to do anything without me, though, so I don’t think she fully understands this concept. How do I make her understand that I don’t always want to include her in my plans without making her feel like our friendship is unimportant? -- Always Together

DEAR ALWAYS TOGETHER: You have created high expectations that likely make your friend believe that you two do everything together. You may want to start by reducing the amount of time you are together. What about having some alone time, just for you? That would be beneficial for your life anyway. You can let her know that you need to be alone sometimes. After you create space for yourself, it will be easier for you to spend time with others without her trying to account for your every step.

You will need to tell her that you go out with others sometimes so that her feelings aren’t crushed when she discovers this. She may not understand, but you need to attempt to get her to accept that you love her and enjoy her company -- and you also enjoy spending time with others.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a self-employed hairdresser. A little while ago, I gave an acquaintance a new-client discount because I am good friends with the girl who referred me to her. Not long after, she complained to our mutual friend that I overcharged her for my services. What I charge is very reasonable considering what other hairdressers in the area charge, plus I gave her a 25% discount even though I hardly know her. She tried to book with me again recently, and I declined because she slandered my business. Was it unprofessional of me to turn her away? -- Entitled Client

DEAR ENTITLED CLIENT: It was not wrong of you to turn away this client, but what might have been better would be to talk to her. It’s not too late for that even now. You should call her. Apologize for not being able to give her the recent appointment she asked for. Before getting off the phone, ask if she can take a few minutes to talk to you. If so, ask her how she liked your services the last time she came to you. If your mutual friend gave you permission to mention this woman’s complaint, tell her that you heard that she was unhappy with the cost of services. Point out that you gave her a 25% discount.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son’s health issues make me very nervous about him potentially moving out. He is 25 now, and he has been talking about getting his own place for quite some time. He doesn’t need my permission to move out, but I’ve practically begged him not to go because his health issues are so unpredictable. I feel better that I’m able to keep a watchful eye on him and be there if he needs me. I know that I cannot make him stay forever, but I have no idea how to let him go. I fear for the worst if he leaves. How can I get over this fear? -- Nervous Mom

DEAR NERVOUS MOM: Your job as a parent is to prepare your child to be independent. That is true even when your child has challenges, such as health issues. You may think you are doing the right thing by keeping him with you, but that is not necessarily true. Since your son is pressuring you to allow him to move out on his own, you need to let him. Suggest that he talk to his doctor about how he can live independently and what precautions he should put in place to protect himself. Let him go on that appointment without you. He needs to exercise his own agency as he figures out next steps. You can help him to set himself up in an independent space, but do not hover. He should have all medical emergency information handy, including where the local hospital is. And then let him be.

I have witnessed parents who have coddled their adult children who have disabilities, illnesses and other challenges. Rarely does this work out best for the adult child. Stop doing it. Let your son live his life.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My child has duped me, and it doesn’t feel good. She has always been an excellent student -- up until this semester. One class in particular has been tough for her, and her grades reflect her struggle. I have asked her about it repeatedly, including trying to find out if we should get a tutor to help her do better. She has shrugged off all of my suggestions, but the grade has stayed the same. She says she hates her teacher.

My daughter is a senior and claims that she and others have “senioritis.” I don’t buy that. She is a smart young lady and should not fail (or nearly fail) a class at the end of her high school experience.

Today I learned that she hasn’t been doing her homework. My guess is that she hasn’t been going to class either. She has a few weeks left before it’s all said and done. How can I get her to hunker down right now? I have been rewarding her when she asks for expensive treats and extra hang-out time with friends. I had no idea she was not doing her work during all this time. -- Not a Failure

DEAR NOT A FAILURE: Appeal to the intelligence and practicality of your daughter. Remind her that she has been an excellent student, and her nearly failing grade in this class is an anomaly. Encourage her to dig in and get her grade up to reflect her potential. It would be different if she didn’t have the capacity to do a good job. Point out what type of student she has been throughout her academic career. Encourage her to focus on doing all of the work needed in this home stretch. Also, limit her fun time. Don’t allow her to spend extra time with friends until she completes her work.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who may be suffering from dementia. I know something is up with him. He calls me in the middle of the day and wants to talk about nothing. I am working a very intense job and rarely can chat for more than a couple of minutes during the day. Because my friend is older, I try to take his calls because I worry that there could be an emergency and he may need help. Too often, though, it’s just him on the line, lonely. I then have to jump off rather abruptly to go back to work. I don’t know how to handle this well, and he isn’t getting the message or remembering that I can’t talk during the day. SOS! -- Lost Friend

DEAR LOST FRIEND: If your friend is suffering from memory loss, you may not be able to get him to stop the daytime calls. What you can do is allow them to go to voicemail when you aren’t free to answer them. Check your voicemail at your earliest convenience and call him back if you can. Is there any other friend who may have more free time during the day who can check on him when you can’t? Enlist that person to make daily calls to say hello.

If you are worried about your friend’s health and safety, figure out who from his family serves as his health care proxy. Enlist that person’s help in checking in on your friend.

Know that he trusts you and remembers you even when he is feeling disoriented. That’s why he has you on speed dial. Don’t shut him out completely. Manage your interactions with him so that you can do your job and remain attentive.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)