Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I haven’t felt confident enough to post a picture of myself on social media in a very long time, but I recently got my makeup done professionally for the first time, and I just had to share the pictures. This might not seem like a big deal to most, but it was major for me. I got a lot of love from friends and followers, and I was thrilled about it. The only person who didn’t acknowledge the photos at all was my own boyfriend. He didn’t compliment me or even comment under my post. I know that he saw them. Why wouldn’t he acknowledge my pictures? -- Ignored

DEAR IGNORED: Step back a moment and ask yourself how your boyfriend generally reacts to your appearance. Does he compliment you? Does he make any comments at all about how you look? What does he say? Sit with that for a moment just so you have a clear assessment of how he usually engages you regarding your appearance.

You mentioned that you have not felt confident about the way you look. Good for you that you took the step to take a professional photo and post it! It is a sign of building confidence. The challenge, however, with posting and looking for acknowledgement is that when that affirmation doesn’t come, it dashes your confidence. That’s exactly what happened. So first I want you to accept all of the loving notes you received that celebrate you and the image you shared. You deserve the positive input.

Second, ask yourself how much it matters that your boyfriend didn’t say anything. If it matters a lot, ask him directly what he thinks of your photo. Then ask why he didn’t comment online. Be prepared to respond to whatever he says. Do your best not to take his reaction personally.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am my father’s only daughter, and I think that because of this, he has often had a hard time connecting with me. Even as an adult, I don’t always feel heard or understood by him. He speaks to me in harsh ways that perhaps wouldn’t bother my brothers, but that definitely bother me. I feel a responsibility to let my father know that he shouldn’t necessarily speak to me or interact with me the same way he does with my brothers, but I struggle to communicate with him as well. How do I communicate my issues with my father without causing unnecessary friction? -- Only Daughter

DEAR ONLY DAUGHTER: Consider writing your father a letter to share your feelings, hopes and desires for your relationship. Rather than highlighting what you don’t want, focus on what you desire. As his only daughter, express how special you believe your relationship is and can be. Invite your father to communicate in loving, thoughtful ways. Recommend things that you two can do that may enhance your relationship. You can tell him that it hurts your feelings when he speaks harshly to you. Suggest that you two create space just for the two of you when you take time to be together and build a relationship separate from the one between him and your brothers.

Perhaps that letter can serve as a bridge to bring your closer together. If he doesn't respond to the letter, be more direct. Invite him to spend time with you, and then get brave and talk to him about what you wrote.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: An industry colleague passed away about a year ago. I expressed my sorrow at the time, and that was that. Now, though, I am beginning to feel real sadness about this man’s death. While we were not close, he had an impact on my life. Little things have been happening recently that have brought him to mind. I wonder if I didn’t allow myself to truly think about this man at the time of his death. I think I treated it pretty lightly. Now I am sad, but nobody really wants to talk about him anymore because so much time has gone by. How can I deal with my grief? It feels real. -- Delayed Grief

DEAR DELAYED GRIEF: Feelings of grief emerge in their own time. What surprises many is that waves of grief can surprise you months and years after the loss. You are not unusual, nor should you feel uncomfortable that this is happening to you.

Since you are not finding other colleagues who will discuss this man’s passing, you can do other things to deal with your grief. You can write about him and what he meant to you. Write a journal entry that you can refine and refer to whenever you feel compelled to do so. You may want to write an op-ed for your local paper that talks about his impact on you and the community. If you use social media, you can share your sentiments in that space. If sadness seems to be overwhelming you, consider seeing a grief counselor who can support you as you deal with the emotions that are emerging. You do not have to be alone as you go through this moment.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been using a retouching app on social media that cleans up pictures of me very nicely. With what is basically the wave of a wand, I am able to smooth out my skin and give myself a refreshed look. Whenever I post pictures where I have used the app, I get a lot of compliments. I’m beginning to feel guilty. Should I tell people that my photos are retouched? Am I lying to them by posting these pictures of myself with a few enhancements? -- Retouched

DEAR RETOUCHED: You don’t owe anyone an explanation of your photos. Retouching has been around for generations. It is a service that professional labs traditionally offered when professional photos were being finished. What’s new is that there are now apps for those fixes that anyone can use. Makeup application, effective lighting and retouching are all techniques that people use to enhance images. You have every right to do that. In fact, you have the right to manipulate your own image however you choose.

What you want to be careful with is presenting images of yourself that are too far from reality. That’s when it can become awkward. If you show up somewhere online or in person with no visual filter, how different will you look from your true self?

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: For the past few years, I have hung out with a small group of people in our sleepy summer community. During the COVID-19 pandemic, the group was really small for health purposes. I like most of the people, but one woman rubs me the wrong way. We are all still loosely connected, mainly because it’s a small place.

I went over to this woman’s house a couple of weeks ago, and it was like deja vu. She was acting so obnoxious and rude. I felt singled out, though I know this is her nature. She and her husband have a lot of money, and they like to make sure people remember it. She will pour drinks for some and allocate less or none for others. It sounds pretty juvenile, and I suppose it is, but in the moment, it is unnerving. Why invite me over your house if you are going to regulate what I eat and drink? I don’t like it.

One friend told me to suck it up; that’s just how she is. If I want to drink good wine and hang out in a chic environment, I should ignore her when she disses me. I’m not sure I want to do that. Would I be wrong to step out of the tight circle, at least as it relates to her? -- Closed Circle

DEAR CLOSED CIRCLE: Nobody is forcing you to spend time with someone who disrespects you. It sounds like you, and possibly others, tolerate this woman’s bad manners because you enjoy the setting, good wine and good food. If you can continue to accept that tradeoff, go for it. But your tolerance for her behavior has clearly waned.

The short answer is that you do not need to keep showing up for social hour with her and her husband if they don’t treat you well. You can decline those invitations. When you go to social gatherings not organized by this couple where they turn on their unique, nauseating charm, you can turn on your heels and walk away from them and enjoy the company of others in the group.

You could make a scene and call them on their behavior, too, but that may ostracize you from the whole group. Ignoring them and focusing on the people you enjoy may be the easier solution.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A good friend of mine recently met another one of my friends. It looks like they are going to start dating. Their meeting had nothing to do with me, but I am happy for them. They are both good people. The thing is, I know that my friend has a sexually transmitted disease. She told me years ago and swore me to secrecy. Now that she is about to date my friend, I feel like it’s my responsibility to tell him. What if he catches it from her? I would feel horrible if somebody withheld information like that from me. But I also know that this is none of my business. It is such a private matter. Do I have the right to say anything about it? What should I do? -- Keeping a Secret

DEAR KEEPING A SECRET: It is not your place to reveal your friend’s health status. What you can do is speak directly to her and remind her that you know about it. Ask her if she plans to tell him. Encourage her to be honest with him before getting intimate.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)