Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently won a large sum of money in a lawsuit. I told only the two people closest to me: my mother and my best friend. I expressed to both of them that I wanted to keep this news a secret to protect my safety and my money. Not long after I told my best friend, I found out that she had told a mutual friend of ours about the settlement. I’m furious with her. I expressed how serious I was about keeping my secret. She’s very apologetic. I’m not sure if I can forgive her for what she’s done. How do I handle this? -- Big Mouth

DEAR BIG MOUTH: Point the finger at yourself first. You are the one who told your secret. Your best friend couldn’t have told anyone if you hadn’t told her. Sure, you needed to share it with someone, but apparently so did she. That’s the tricky thing about secrets. There’s almost always that one person you feel the need to tell, which pushes you to break the rules.

Can you forgive your friend? Yes. Should you recognize that you need to establish different boundaries for different types of information? Definitely. Further, if people try to sidle up to you to ask for money, you can ignore them. It is not theirs for the taking.

What you may want to do is work with a financial planner to figure out the best strategy for leveraging this pot of gold so that you will have it for the long haul.

DEAR HARRIETTE: People seem to be out and about a lot more these days. I have been going out, too, and I am still wearing a mask. Sometimes I’m the only one, but I don’t feel comfortable yet taking it off when I’m around a lot of people. I notice people giving me strange looks, but I think I’m doing the right thing. COVID-19 is still around. Two of my friends have it right now for the second time, and one of them is really sick. Do I need to say anything when people give me the side-eye? I still want to wear my mask. -- Keep on the Mask

DEAR KEEP ON THE MASK: You are right that businesses, governments, public places and private entities have relaxed mask mandates. These days, masks are not required in most places but are still encouraged in certain situations. You have every right to wear a mask wherever you want to wear it. Well before there was COVID-19, some people wore masks to protect themselves and others from germ transmission. I remember seeing many tourists from Asia wearing masks and learned that, for some, their countries had already experienced an epidemic, and they had adopted this practice as a standard safety measure.

You must do you. What makes you feel safe and comfortable is what you should practice. Don’t worry about how people look at you. It doesn’t matter. Also, be sure to get boosted so that you are as protected as possible.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been bickering with my husband so much recently that I decided to just stop talking to him. If I don’t say anything, maybe we won’t have an argument. That worked for a while, but it is not sustainable. For one, I get angry inside, and it bottles up and eventually there is an emotional explosion. Plus, I don’t want to live like this. I want peace and happiness and connection with my husband. Otherwise, what’s the point of being married? Right now, it seems like we live in different corners of a boxing ring, always ready to punch each other out. I have asked my husband to go to therapy, but he adamantly refuses. I think we need help. How can I get him to reconsider this? -- In Need of Therapy

DEAR IN NEED OF THERAPY: Constant bickering is unhealthy for both you and your husband. It’s too bad that he is unwilling to get support to work through your issues, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get help. Change starts with you. How you look at your life and your choices is key. How you react to things that are said to you is solely in your control. What you choose to say and even how you internalize conflict is in your control.

To gain understanding of your own power in this situation, enlist the help of a professional. It's easy to find a therapist to meet with in person or online. Make it a priority to get the professional help you need. Start therapy now. You can share your discoveries with your husband, and he may soften to the idea over time. Meanwhile, you will be getting the help you need, and gaining the tools and knowledge to help you manage your emotions better.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a collector of things, and now my house is overflowing with stuff. I have to get rid of some items, but it’s hard for me to decide what to release. I had the thought that I would host a yard sale, even though I live in an apartment building. I asked my landlord if I could do a little gathering in the community room, and he agreed. I’m set to do it, but now I'm worried that it won’t be enough to get myself on track. How do you recommend that I get decluttered? -- Purge

DEAR PURGE: An indoor yard sale sounds like a good start. Gather as many items as you can to sell. Keep the prices low so that you can get rid of most of what you bring. Label prices so that they are easy for people to see. Get someone to help you if at all possible.

Once you have taken that big first step, look around and choose the next project. What can you tackle right now that is manageable? Don’t say your whole house -- that’s too big of a task. Choose one room or a section of a room. Choose a category of item. Plan your purge so that you have a donation pile and a trash pile. Get rid of each as soon as you finish your task. If you need help, invite a trusted friend, or contact an organization that specializes in supporting folks who battle living with clutter. You may also want to talk to someone to help you adjust your mindset around hoarding. For more information, go to helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/hoarding-disorder-help-for-hoarders.htm.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to homecoming at my alma mater last weekend, and it was fantastic. There were so many people there. People of all ages and backgrounds had gathered to have a good time at the school that they love so much. As I was sitting on the steps of one of the buildings eating a sandwich, I noticed a young family: a mother, father, toddler and infant. At one point, the young mother sat down on the step in front of me, whipped out her breast and started nursing right there in front of everyone, no blanket covering her or anything. I get that she needed to feed her baby, but I was surprised at how cavalier she seemed to be about nursing in public like that.

I am no prude, but I do think it would have been much more tasteful to show even the tiniest bit of discretion. There were hundreds of people near to her, including a couple dozen within reach. To be clear, I have no issue with a nursing mother being able to feed her baby wherever she is. I just think it’s good manners to cover up a bit. I remember from when I was nursing that my children appreciated peace and quiet during those precious moments. What do you think? -- Nursing in Public

DEAR NURSING IN PUBLIC: This is a true hot-button issue. State governments have been called upon to rule on whether or not nursing in public is legal. In many (but not all) states, it is. Pictures of nursing mothers were once banned from social media, and advocates fought back to be able to show nursing education videos that would not be labeled as pornography.

Then there is the situation you described. While discretion cannot be regulated, I certainly do understand your desire for that young mother to cover herself while nursing. I’m old-school in that way. Not having that intimate moment on display makes sense to me for the child and the mother, not to mention passersby. That’s not to say that there’s anything wrong with feeding your baby when the baby is hungry. But I prefer a bit of modesty. That said, in this country, modesty of that nature is not regulated. So all you are entitled to do around this situation is to think your thoughts, but not say anything.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend often comes home telling me all the great things he has learned that his boss does with his wife. The stories sound great, and he wants us to do the same things, but we can’t afford them. Honestly, I’m really not interested in most of these activities. How can I get my boyfriend to stop trying to walk in his boss’s footsteps? When he comes home, I would like to be with him, not with him and thoughts of his boss’s life in the room, too. -- Come Home

DEAR COME HOME: Tell your boyfriend that you are excited to be with him and to build a life based on your hopes and dreams, not those of his boss. Suggest outings for the two of you that do spark your interest and his. Ask your boyfriend about his hopes and dreams. Share yours. When he falls into regurgitating his boss’s dreams, remind him that he has his own. Don’t fight about the boss. Nurture the uniqueness of your bond, and gently remind him of how great you two are when you are exploring each other without comparison.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)