Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just found out that my mother made a pass at my ex-boyfriend. I always suspected this because I noticed the subtle flirting when he would come around. It has always frustrated me how flirty she is with younger guys in general, but I am furious that she actually made a move on my ex. Now that he has confirmed that she did make a pass at him, should I confront her? If so, how? This is my mother we are talking about! -- Mad at Mom

DEAR MAD AT MOM: Yes, you should confront your mother. She absolutely crossed the line when she flirted with and made a pass at your ex-boyfriend. That is not OK. Because you know that she has this propensity to flirt with younger men, you also need to understand that whatever you say may fall on deaf ears. She will likely brush it off and say he blew the whole scene out of proportion. She might even claim that he came onto her. Tell her that it saddens and angers you that your relationships are unsafe around her. Express your horror that you cannot trust your mother to be around your beau.

Further, you may need to keep your distance from her when you are with a partner -- at least for now. Make it clear to her that she will see less of you and none of any man you begin to see if you feel that she will continue to cross that obvious, if invisible, line.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently graduated from college. Not long after graduating, I started seeing a woman about 10 years older than me. I already think things could work out between us in the long run. We have so much in common, and I love spending time with her. The only thing I am concerned about is how different our financial situations are. She is 100% financially independent, established in her career and making great money. In contrast, I am still dependent on my parents. I work part-time at a restaurant, and it doesn’t pay very much. She says that she is not bothered by the fact that I’m not making any serious money right now, but I know that I would be bothered by it if we were to take the next step in our relationship any time soon. I don't want to let go of what could potentially be a great relationship. What should I do? -- Not Making Much

DEAR NOT MAKING MUCH: Make a plan for your future. What do you want to do with your life? What timeline can you design for your plan? Envision the job, the home, the life you want, and map it out to the best of your ability. You can talk to your girlfriend about your plans as well. See if she wants to support your vision. While she is likely being honest that your salary is not her focus now, you both will be in a better place if you have a plan in place that you are executing. Agree on what you intend to do with your life, then invite her to support your efforts. Include your parents in this plan as well, considering you are still relying on them. It is possible for this relationship to work if you take the reins and map it out.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend is on some sort of weight-loss kick and is now trying to convince me that I need to follow her new routine as well. The diet that she is on is too restrictive for me. I have had a long, complicated relationship with yo-yo dieting since my teens, and I am just now starting to fix these issues -- well into my adulthood. My friend is naturally pushy, but I don’t think she understands how triggering it is to be around someone who is so persistent about getting on a diet. The only thing that I feel like doing is avoiding her. How do I handle this? -- Pushy Friend

DEAR PUSHY FRIEND: Have a serious conversation with your friend, and be plainly honest. Admit that it is hard for you to have this talk with her because dieting in and of itself has been challenging to you. As your friend, tell her that you need her to give you space to do what’s right for you, just as you are giving her space for herself. Ask her to stop pressuring you. Make it clear that if she cannot stop her pushiness, you will have no choice but to distance yourself from her.

Next, make good on your promise. You must take care of yourself first. If that means that you stop talking to her for some time or cut her off entirely, that’s OK. You need to surround yourself with people who are respectful and supportive, not those who are unable to have empathy for you in your situation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a father who is struggling with the news that my daughter is pregnant. I am disappointed in her because she is with a man who does not treat her well. I want to support her, but I don't know how to do it. The two of them are not married, and by the looks of it, this man has no intention to marry her. As a father, it can be difficult to watch your child make decisions that you know are not in their best interest, but at the end of the day, just because I do not agree with all of her decisions does not mean I love her any less. How do I support my daughter during her pregnancy even though I do not like the man she is having the baby with? -- Supportive Dad

DEAR SUPPORTIVE DAD: Start thinking about how you can help your daughter in the long term. Ask her about her plans. Can she take time off from work when the baby is born? Does she have insurance in place for herself and the baby? Does she have the financial cushion needed for child care? Find out what she expects her baby’s father to contribute to the family. Do not disparage this man. Talk about plans and tactics for caring for this child. Offer whatever you believe you can contribute to help her, but be careful not to promise anything you cannot or will not do. That’s how you can help your daughter to look ahead so that she can see what responsibilities lie before her and consider how she intends to handle them.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I accidentally put my foot in my mouth when talking to a woman I really hoped to become friends with. I was trying to be funny and make a joke, but it came out wrong, and she got offended. I felt terrible afterward, and I'm not sure how to fix the situation. I tried to backpedal and explain that I didn't actually mean anything by it, but it was too late; the damage was done, and our conversation fizzled out after that. I'm really kicking myself for saying the wrong thing, because I really liked her and we were having such a great time chatting. I know there are no second chances for first impressions, but is there anything I could do to fix what I’ve done? -- Foot in Mouth

DEAR FOOT IN MOUTH: Request an opportunity to see this woman again. If granted, go to her openly and tell her the truth. Perhaps because you hoped to become her friend, you were trying too hard to get her to like you, and you stumbled as you talked to her. Apologize again for offending her. Admit that you were trying to be funny, and obviously that didn’t work. You might explain to her that you feel a bit like a teenage boy who punches his love interest in the arm as a sign of endearment, and it makes the girl mad rather than starry-eyed. You messed up. You wanted to tell her because you really want a second chance to get to know her. You hope she will grant it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son got a job as a bartender a little while ago, and he's making some pretty good money. It's definitely not the career path I had envisioned for him, but I'm still proud of him for getting a job and doing well. However, I fear that this decent wage is all he needs to be content with his career. I want my son to challenge himself and find fulfillment in his work. If he gets too comfortable with the paychecks now, he may never explore opportunities or learn more about career fields that may interest him. How can I help him realize that there is still room for growth without making him feel bad about what he has already achieved? -- Don’t Get Complacent

DEAR GET COMPLACENT: You cannot control your son, no matter how hard you try. You can encourage him to think ahead about his life by considering making a one-year, five-year and 10-year plan.

Start by congratulating him on securing a job that helps him be independent and responsible for himself. Find out what he likes about this job and what the challenges are. Find out if he is saving money as part of a plan for tomorrow. Then talk to him about what he envisions his future to be.

Notice that I did not say what you envision for him. You are not the focus here. It is your son’s life. He has to consider what he wants to do with it. You can gently encourage him to expand his horizons, but don’t push too hard or he will instinctively push back. Have patience. He has to find his way. You cannot do that for him.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)