Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was involved in a terrible car wreck early on the morning of New Year's Day. Almost all of my loved ones and close friends either visited me in the hospital or sent flowers. I was really hurt when my best friend didn't visit me in the hospital after my accident. It was like they completely ignored what had happened, which is so unlike them. I thought that out of all people, they would be there for me and show their support. But it seems like I was wrong, and now I'm feeling betrayed and alone. It's been difficult to get over this disappointment and figure out why it happened in the first place. Is there any advice you can give on how to make sense of the situation? -- Car Wreck

DEAR CAR WRECK: Some people freeze in the face of tragedy and do not know how to move forward. There is a chance that this is true for your best friend. It doesn't excuse them, but it could be an explanation. After you are feeling better, if you still have not heard from your best friend, reach out. Ask them what they have been doing so you can learn what’s going on in their life. Tell them briefly about your accident and ask if they knew about it. Then ask why they didn’t come to see you or contact you. Describe how frightening the experience was and how sad you where that they weren’t there to support you. Listen calmly to discover what happened.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have noticed a pattern with my niece that I do not like. I buy Christmas presents for her every year and ship them because she and her family live out of town. I know she gets the things I send because her mother tells me, but she never reaches out to say thank you. Obviously, I do not buy the gifts to receive her gratitude, but for her to say absolutely nothing is just unconscionable to me. This year I sent an array of items from my travels and other things that I thought she would appreciate. In return: crickets. Should I say something or just stop sending her things? This has been going on for several years now. By the way, my niece is almost 30 years old. -- Ungrateful

DEAR UNGRATEFUL: The person in question is an adult who has bad manners. You have no obligation to continue to give an adult any gifts, especially if she doesn’t acknowledge them. If you want, you can contact her and ask her if she liked her presents. If she responds, you can tell her it would have been nice for her to have told you.

You can also reach out to her directly and check in with her; see how she’s doing and what’s going on in her life. Then tell her the truth -- you are disappointed that she has not chosen to acknowledge that you sent her gifts for the holidays. Tell her it is rude and hurts your feelings.

Your third option is to stop giving her gifts and say nothing. She may inquire directly or through her mother as to why. Then you have an opening. Or she may say nothing, and that tradition will have ended.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been going out with a nice guy for a few weeks now. I live in Manhattan, and he lives in Queens. On several occasions, we have hung out late. The way I was taught, the man is supposed to make sure that the woman gets home safely. I know that’s old-school, but that’s who I am. I asked him to drop me at my door or to send me home in a car. He looked at me like I was nuts. He said we live in a city with subways that make it possible for everybody to get home easily. He said he would take me home if I was inviting him to spend the night. We aren’t even close to there yet. I’m not quite sure how to react now. I have my values, but am I being too rigid? I asked my friends, and they said they rarely meet a man who is willing to take them home. They said it’s usually not even a conversation. -- See Me Home

DEAR SEE ME HOME: If home delivery is that important to you, make it part of your early dating conversation. Let your potential dates know that if they intend to hang out with you past a particular time, you ask for them to see you home safely -- either in person or in a car service. Know that you may be eliminating a sizeable group of men who do not have the same values as you. You can also make a similar decision that says your dates typically need to end at a particular time, after which you do not feel comfortable taking the subway alone. You may want to decide that you will pay for your car service sometimes so that it doesn’t seem too old-fashioned and you maintain some control over yourself.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Some friends invited my husband and me to dinner at their house. We like them a lot, but we do not like their cooking. Each time we have eaten with them, I have gotten sick, either because the food was too milky -- I am lactose intolerant and they know it, but they cook with cream anyway -- or it was just too rich for our systems. How do we bow out of the home-cooked meal but still spend time with them? -- Not for Dinner

DEAR NOT FOR DINNER: You can try a few things. Ask them if you can come for dessert instead and offer to bring a special treat yourself. If they agree, remind them that you are lactose intolerant so you can’t eat every type of dessert. Give ideas on what you can eat. If they press for you to come for dinner, tell them that you really want to hang out with them, but your dietary restrictions are so severe that you are afraid that you will not be able to eat the delicious food they prepare. You can pivot and ask if they would like to meet at a restaurant that serves food that each of you can eat. Acknowledge that you know how hard it is to cook for you due to your dietary limitations.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was going through old emails and social media posts and discovered a couple of messages from an old friend. She was reaching out in a timely manner, and I totally missed more than one message. These messages go back more than a year. I feel horrible that she probably thinks I don‘t care about her at all. I did not see any of these communications until just now. Do I reach out to her now even though it’s so late? If I do, should I admit that I only just now saw her messages? At this point, what she asked is moot, but I want her to know that I didn’t intentionally ignore her. What should I say? -- Missed Messages

DEAR MISSED MESSAGES: Do write back to her -- or call if you have her number. Apologize for only discovering her multiple outreaches now. Assure her that you were not ignoring her. Instead, you hadn’t looked at your messages closely and had missed them. This is an increasingly common challenge for people these days. For those who use more than one social media outlet plus email, there are multiple locations to search for messages. If they are active on social media, messages can get buried. Also, the messenger feature is different than the regular flow of content. Be honest. Apologize and give her the best way to reach you directly if she needs you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went out with a nice guy, and we had a good time except that he seemed to be a little bit sick. He kept coughing, and it didn’t sound good. He assured me that he didn’t have COVID-19. To him, that meant everything was fine. I thought to myself, there are lots of illnesses other than COVID-19. I think he should have canceled the date, but since we were out, I wasn’t sure what to do. So I stayed, but then he wanted to kiss me. I drew the line there. I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable kissing him because he was sick. He had the nerve to catch an attitude about that. What? I swear I thought I was in the Twilight Zone. Who would knowingly kiss someone who is sick? I don’t want to dump this guy before it even gets started, so what can I say to address this? -- Not When You Are Sick

DEAR NOT WHEN YOU ARE SICK: Call this guy and tell him that you are feeling uncomfortable about the date you went on. Tell him that as much as you had been looking forward to hanging out with him, you think he should have canceled and explained why. People seem to have forgotten that they can get seriously ill with other viruses beyond COVID-19. Tell him you believe he was sick enough to stay home. Point out, too, that he got indignant when you wouldn’t kiss him. Ask him if he cares about your well-being. If he answers yes, ask him if he would knowingly make you sick. If he says no, tell him that kissing you when sick would directly pass germs that could make you ill. The way he responds should tell you whether you go out with him again.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)