Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was out at a bar with a girlfriend of mine when we ran into a man I used to casually date. She couldn’t stop talking about how handsome he was, and she even asked me to set them up. I didn’t mention that we have a romantic history because it didn’t seem worth mentioning at the time. We weren’t serious at all. He and I don’t even speak anymore unless we run into each other somewhere.

Is it important to tell my friend about our history before I introduce them? She probably wouldn’t be interested if she knew we used to see each other, but I don't want her to pass without giving him a chance. He was a nice guy, and they might really get along -- he just wasn’t right for me. What do you suggest I do? -- Brief History

DEAR BRIEF HISTORY: Tell her now. This saves any misunderstanding in the future. Be honest and simple. Yes, he is a nice guy. You know that firsthand because you went out with him before. He wasn’t the right fit for you, but not because there was anything wrong with him. He just wasn’t your guy. Avoid going into every little detail about whatever history you do have, including the level of intimacy you reached. That is none of her business. But you can be upfront about the fact that you went out with him.

Make it crystal clear that you do not mind at all if she goes out with him -- or even if she marries him. You want to be direct about this because very often people want their exes to remain off-limits for life to their friends. Since this is not the case, make sure your friend knows.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a teenage girl who's had a complicated relationship with my stepmother since I was 8 years old. When we are together, just the two of us, she is typically cool, nice and relaxed. The second my father walks into the room, however, she turns cold and strict. At first, I thought maybe I was doing something wrong. Maybe it was my presence that triggered this strange change in my stepmother's behavior? But recently, I've come to realize it's not me -- it's her. She is doing it intentionally, and I can tell she enjoys having the power to tell me what to do around him. It's hard for me to live with, especially when I remember what it's like to have a normal, respectful relationship with her. I love my father and want him to be happy, but it's hard when the person who makes him happy is someone I find so hard to understand. What do you think I should do? -- Complicated Stepmom

DEAR COMPLICATED STEPMOM: During one of your one-on-one moments with your stepmom, approach her about this. Tell her that you have noticed that she changes when your father is in the room; she becomes cold, unwelcoming and bossy toward you. Point out that you enjoy being with her and you love your dad, but you have come to notice that when the three of you are together, she acts unkind toward you. Ask her why. This will likely unnerve her because such directness is unexpected. It may get her to tell you the truth. Tell her there’s nothing more that you want than for the three of you to have a harmonious relationship. Ask her if she can help you get back to that.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have some negative history with a woman who is now back in my life through work. We worked together years ago, and it didn’t end well. I didn’t like the way she handled certain things, and I let her know how I felt. Now, here we are again, working together on a project. I wonder if I should clear the air and acknowledge that things didn’t go so well last time. Should I say that I hope we will work better this go-round or just leave it alone? As I recall it, I was the one who complained before. But I know it was awkward for both of us. -- Awkward

DEAR AWKWARD: If it feels potentially awkward now, you can say something positive to her about this new experience. You can tell her you look forward to working together on the project at hand. You may also recommend that you two come up with a way of working together that is mutually beneficial for both of you. If there is something specific that didn’t work before, you may want to suggest that you both agree to take a different approach this time.

While in the moment, this could feel extraordinarily uncomfortable, stepping up and actively working to find a way for the two of you to work well together creates the space for a positive outcome. Let her know you are sincere, and then see what happens.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In a few weeks, I'm moving out of state. I have been telling my family and friends about the move, and out of enthusiasm, I encouraged people to visit me as soon as possible. I've had a few people say they're taking me up on my offer and coming in the next month. I'm a little nervous because I'm not even there yet or settled into my new place, but the visitors are eager to come. I want to provide the best experience for my friends, but I'm wondering if I invited them too soon. What should I do? Should I apologize for not giving myself more time to settle or do my best to prepare for their visits? -- Too Soon

DEAR TOO SOON: Put on the brakes now -- right now. You must give yourself a chance to get acclimated to your new environment. You have to move in, get your bearings, learn the hot spots to visit and find your comfort zone. That could take you a few weeks up to a couple of months. Put the visits on pause for the most part. Tell your loved ones that you were a bit too eager to have company. Push all trips that you can back a few weeks. If people complain that they made plans already, apologize for being too eager but stand your ground. You deserve to give yourself time to get comfortable in your new home.

Unless you intend to move back home soon after this move, take a deep breath, relax and invite your friends to do the same. Then space out their visits so that you have time alone, time meeting new people and time visiting with them.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have developed some dark spots on my face over the past few years. I cover them up with makeup, but they seem to be getting worse. A friend of mine keeps chastising me for spending time in the sun. I have to admit that I have been a sun worshipper for most of my life, since I was a teenager. I am now in my 50s. Now I worry that sun exposure may be the reason for these marks. I have never gone to a dermatologist. My friend says I should. I always thought that was an extravagant doctor to visit and that only rich people did it. She says it’s smart to go because then you know what you need to do to care for your skin. What do you think? -- Skin Care

DEAR SKIN CARE: Dermatologists recommend that you visit them once a year to check on the health of your skin. Your skin is the largest organ in your body, believe it or not. Everyone should have their skin evaluated. If you have had a lot of sun exposure, even in the distant past, you especially should check to make sure that you do not have skin cancer. Yes, hyperpigmentation can come from overexposure to the sun.

Schedule an appointment today. You do not have to be rich to do this. You will be smart to go so that you can learn how best to protect and care for your skin. What you should not do is put skin lightening products on your face without a doctor’s supervision. Such treatments can cause further damage to your skin.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son used to be an overachiever. Now he hangs out in his room playing video games. He hardly ever comes out to talk to the family. He dropped out of college during the pandemic, and he doesn’t want to go back. I worry about him. Some of his behaviors are on the checklist for depression. I cannot get him to go to a therapist or anything. How can I help my son? -- Worried Sick

DEAR WORRIED SICK: Who are your son’s friends? Do you think any of them might be a good influence on him? Perhaps you can coax your son out of his room through friends who invite him to hang out or come to visit. Plan a family vacation that will pull him out of the house and get him doing something different.

Do your best to get your son to talk to you or someone else in the family. Make light conversation -- not probing questions. You may also need to use tough love. Tell him he has to get a job if he is not going to continue going to school. He has to be responsible for himself. You can push him to take action.

If none of that works, stage an intervention. Get a therapist to make a house call to visit with him and talk to him about what’s going on. You should take this seriously. Sadly, many young people have suffered tremendously during the last few years, too often with depression being the diagnosis. If your son is even possibly suffering from depression, you need to get him medical attention now -- even if he gets mad at you in the short term.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)