Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, which should have been a moment of pure joy and excitement. Unfortunately, my husband's mother had other plans. Despite my wishes, my mother-in-law insisted on being in the delivery room during the birth of our child. This was not a decision that my husband and I had discussed beforehand, and I was caught completely off guard. I did not want her there.

To make matters worse, my husband did not stick up for me when I expressed my discomfort and asked for his mother to leave the room. He simply brushed off my concerns and said that his mother was excited to be a part of the experience. I was left feeling unsupported and violated during one of the most vulnerable moments of my life. How do I move forward with my husband and mother-in-law? We haven’t discussed the situation since, and it’s been almost a month. -- New Mom

DEAR NEW MOM: You must talk to your husband about this and let him know how violated you felt during this vulnerable time. Further, you need to establish with him boundaries around how others, including his mother, can enter your space. Yes, that may seem extreme, but it is true. It is challenging and amazing to be a new mom and to learn so many things about caring for your baby. You need the people closest to you to be in alignment with your needs and desires.

Ideally, you should speak to your mother-in-law, too. You can say to her that you understand how excited she was about your baby’s birth, but that it upset you when she didn’t honor your wishes. Moving forward, you need her to respect you. Ask for her to support you in that way.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My elderly neighbor puts out his trash on time each week, but it is never organized well. The bags typically are not properly tied. The outdoor cans aren’t secured, which means raccoons and other creatures often knock them over. Then there’s a big mess to clean up that he attempts to handle -- but never successfully. Later, when he’s not looking, I come behind him and clean up and hose the sidewalk. He is a proud man, but he is also an aging man. I want to help him with this necessary chore. How can I do so without hurting his pride? -- Empty the Trash

DEAR EMPTY THE TRASH: You can go to him directly and offer to handle his trash for him weekly. Tell him you have noticed that sometimes the cans aren’t secure. Ask him if you can help make sure everything is set and safe for your cans -- and his. Go a little further and ask if he would let you handle that chore for him. You are already doing your own; you would be happy to help a neighbor out by coming over and sorting his out for him. That’s what neighbors are for!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been working on a business idea with a few friends for a year now. The core group of us have had individual responsibilities to get the idea to the next level. One person in our group is not carrying her weight, though. She has promised to deliver proposals and descriptions of the scope of work for her area and so far has come up with nothing. There’s always an excuse of some kind. I’m fed up, and the rest of the team is feeling demoralized. We are ready to take things to the next level, but her part of the presentation is empty -- literally. I have talked to her about it repeatedly, but still no movement. To be fair, I know she is busy, but we all are. My fear is that after everything is up and running, she will jump back in and want to take credit for something she didn’t do. I know she’s my friend, but I think it’s time to cut her loose. How can I do that and preserve the friendship? -- Letting Go

DEAR LETTING GO: It is time for a professional meeting of the minds. Sit down with her and ask her what’s going on. Pointedly inquire as to where her deliverables are -- those that you have been waiting for all year. Note the work others have been doing and how she is not doing her part. Tell her that if she cannot deliver by a particular date, you will have to sever ties for this project. It’s not personal; it’s business. Yes, she may be angry or hurt at first, but you have to move on. In time, she may come to understand that it is her behavior that got her to this point.

Do note that it can be difficult and messy to work with friends, so establish clear boundaries and expectations upfront whenever you do.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a co-worker who is sloppy. Now that we work in the office three days a week, it can be nasty to come back after five days and see debris from lunch, dirty tissues and other stuff on and around her desk. I worry that she will attract vermin and bugs. Plus, it’s just not professional. When I have meetings at the office or even if another team member stops by to ask a question, they have to pass by her desk, and it is embarrassing. How can I get her to clean up after herself? -- Messy Co-Worker

DEAR MESSY CO-WORKER: Start documenting her mess. Take photos that show how she is leaving her area. Talk to her and ask her to clean up daily for the good of the office. Show her the photos so she can see what it looks like to others. If she doesn’t budge, go to her supervisor, show them the photos and ask for help. Sometimes people don’t see what is obvious to others. A nudge may help her step up and do her part.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently dyed my hair a fun color, and one of my girlfriends criticized me for trying to look younger than I am. I am a 50-year-old woman, and I work in the arts. She works in a corporate job, wears a conservative hairstyle and has let her hair go gray. I have the freedom to do what I want and look how I want, so I decided to have some fun with my hair. I didn’t appreciate her criticism. I don’t want to come off as overly sensitive, but I do want her to know that I feel perfectly comfortable and happy with my playful hair. I don’t judge her for how she wears hers. Should I say something or keep it to myself? -- To Each Her Own

DEAR TO EACH HER OWN: Don’t go out of your way to admonish your friend. Enjoy your new look. If she ever mentions it again, you can tell her that it hurts your feelings a bit when she is critical of your hair color. You can remind her that you work in a field that allows you freedom of expression, and you chose to exercise that freedom. She has the right to her opinion, and you have the right to do what you want. Point out that you have never made disparaging comments about her hair, and you would appreciate her extending you the same courtesy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m going to the wedding of the daughter of a woman I grew up with. I haven’t seen them for years because I moved away when I went to college. I don’t know why, but I’m feeling like this is almost like a class reunion when people stand around and look each other up and down and judge them on how the years have treated them. Am I being harsh? Yes. But I have gained at least 50 pounds since I saw them last. I know how to dress myself and all, but I know they will be shocked when they see me. Heck, I’m shocked when I look in the mirror! How can I prepare myself for what they will do or say? I am feeling extremely uncomfortable about facing people. I’m thinking I should just send a gift and skip the wedding. -- Uncomfortable in My Skin

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE IN MY SKIN: Guess what? Just like at a class reunion, you will most assuredly not be the only one who has gained weight since the last time you got together. By all means, go to the wedding. Dress your best and check your attitude. You are attending the most joyous occasion for your friend’s daughter. Focus on that. All eyes will be on the bride. When someone’s gaze lands on you, smile and talk to them. Don’t say anything about your body. Ask them about their lives. Tell them about yours. Enjoy yourself. You can compliment people on things you like about their presentation or their stories. If someone skittishly talks about how they look now, admit that you were a little uncomfortable, too, but you are so glad you showed up.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)