Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My oldest sister is hardly talking to my dad because of an incident that resulted in him breaking her car and costing her thousands of dollars. This happened back in October 2022, and the mistake left my sister without a car for weeks in the city she had just moved to in Rhode Island. She is having a difficult time forgiving my dad. She told him multiple times to pull over because she heard something wrong with her car, but he refused. This was her first car, which she had bought only a few weeks before the incident, and this strain on their relationship has caused our family a lot of stress and drama.

I was wondering if there were some words of wisdom I could offer to my sister and dad in order to help them repair their relationship and restore peace in our family? -- Mend Fences

DEAR MEND FENCES: Did your father ever apologize to your sister about his behavior? Did he help pay for the repairs? If the answer to those questions is no, it’s understandable that your sister would continue to hold a grudge. If you think your father would listen, talk to him first and ask if he would attempt to make amends. Since he was wrong, it would help a lot for him to admit it.

As far as your sister goes, talk to her and suggest that she let go of her anger as it is only making her and everyone else miserable. Recommend that she forgive her father, even if he is being rude, and move on. She can draw a line and no longer allow him to drive her car, though. Perhaps she can reach out, tell him she’s still hurt but that she loves him and wants to move on.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I babysit for a family occasionally, and their kid is great. It does not normally feel like a chore or take too long, and I can often go out after babysitting is over. The parents often return from events around 10:30 to 11 p.m., so one night I made plans to sleep over at a friend’s place before we all left for a trip the next morning. That night, they did not get back until 3 a.m., and I had to sleep at home. I was exhausted when I got to my friend’s house later in the morning.

I normally do not ask what time the parents will come home because they tend to be consistent, but if I make plans in the future, I want to know when they will return. How do I go about asking them their ETA without sounding rude or like I am rushing them? -- Babysitting Overtime

DEAR BABYSITTING OVERTIME: You have every right to ask about the parents’ expectations for their evening. It’s not rude or pushy to do so. You can also tell them why -- you want to make plans for after their normal return time, but you want to verify that this will work for them. There is no need to be apologetic when you ask, either. It is more than reasonable for you to have a sense of your hours, even when you don’t have plans.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel awkward saying this, but I don’t really know what Juneteenth is. At my new job, we get the day off, which is nice. I always appreciate paid time off, but I want to be informed so that I can talk about it or at least not sound stupid. Can you explain it to me? And why is it getting popular only now? -- New Celebration

DEAR NEW CELEBRATION: June 19th, commonly known as Juneteenth, became a national holiday in 2021. That’s when it reached national recognition, though it has been celebrated both small and wide since 1865. It recognizes the day -- June 19, 1865 -- when enslaved people in Galveston, Texas, were informed that they were free. That date came two full years after the Emancipation Proclamation, which was to serve as the official announcement of the end of slavery, but the message didn’t reach Galveston until much later. Galveston was the last place in the country to give enslaved people their freedom.

People in Texas have long celebrated this moment of emancipation. Over the years, communities in the South, in particular, have hosted events in honor of this pivotal day in American history. Many signed petitions and marched to create the national holiday, including 95-year-old Fort Worth native Opal Lee, who is known as the grandmother of Juneteenth. To learn more about her, go to: juneteenthftw.com/opal-lee.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I often run into a former teacher of mine in my community, and it's always an awkward encounter. She taught me when I was around 15 or 16 years old, and I'm in my late 20s now.

The problem is that every time I see her, she tells me another story about myself that definitely did not happen. The stories are usually her recalling a time that I misbehaved or got in trouble in class. I was a straight-A student, and I was always respectful and responsible in school. It's frustrating and upsetting to have her remember me in this way, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I thought maybe she had me confused with someone else, but she insisted that she didn’t. Next time, should I have a serious conversation with her about this? Should I let it go and avoid her? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. -- Bad Memory

DEAR BAD MEMORY: Seek her out and invite her to tea or coffee. Sit with her and ask her to tell you about her life. Get a sense of where her mind and thoughts are. If you have positive memories of her as your teacher, share those with her. Give her stories she may not recall that can replace the inaccurate ones.

Then tell her that you aren’t sure with whom she is confusing you, but assure her that you were a conscientious, straight-A student, and you enjoyed her class. If she continues to insist on her memories, invite her to let them go and share your positive stories instead.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel stuck in life right now because I am hearing a lot of “noes” from opportunities that I am applying to. I had a lot of goals this past year, and I didn’t meet a few of them due to the fact that I got rejected. As a goal-oriented person, I am disappointed in myself, and I feel that if I had better interviewing skills and more leadership experience, I would’ve gotten yeses from these specific programs.

I feel discouraged, but I know I need to continue to try to gain access to opportunities and programs that could help my career journey in the future. What should I do to overcome this feeling of discouragement and continue pursuing opportunities for my career? -- Next Steps

DEAR NEXT STEPS: Seek out online or in-person classes that can help you boost your interviewing and leadership skills. Practice talking about yourself. Learn how to tell your story so that what you share about yourself is compelling for others to hear. Practice in front of the mirror as you describe who you are and what you want to do with your life.

Research the opportunities that come your way, and figure out what about you is a perfect fit for them. To be chosen, you have to prove that you can help solve whatever problem or fill whatever need they have. It’s not about how smart or creative you are unless you can channel those skills into their specific objectives. When you do that, you make yourself invaluable.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a concerned mother who is worried about her son. My son lost his job earlier this year and decided to take out a second mortgage on his house to make ends meet. While I understand the urgency of his situation, I am afraid that he may have made a huge mistake.

My son has always been independent and strong-willed, which is admirable. However, I fear that his pride and determination to survive might blind him from making sound decisions. He is not one to ask for help, even when he is struggling, which worries me all the more. I do not know what advice to give him, or even how to approach the topic without sounding intrusive or judgmental. My son is a grown man who has his own life, and I respect that. But as his mother, I cannot help but worry about his well-being. What can I do to support my son without overstepping my boundaries? -- Worried Mom

DEAR WORRIED MOM: The hardest job you have right now is to stand down. You have to let your son live his life and make his own mistakes. You cannot live his life for him. You cannot helicopter him now, either. As you say, he is a grown man. He has to make choices for himself and live with the consequences. If he asks you for your opinion, you can share it. Otherwise, you must let him live his life. The last thing he needs right now is his mother telling him what to do. Losing his job was a huge blow. Taking out the second mortgage may not be right in your eyes, but he did it, so he has to deal with it. Countless others have done the same. Let him be. And, as a loving mother, be there to support him when he calls. But do not try to run his life.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)