Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have a good relationship with their parents -- they haven’t spoken in four years. I have noticed that when I speak to my parents, it creates a weird mood between my partner and me. The other day, my mother called to check in on me -- which is normal for her since I just moved away from home -- and my partner made a comment about my mother being overly concerned. They even went as far as to ask if I find it annoying when my parents check in on me. This caught me off guard because I don’t see why I would ever be annoyed by my parents wanting to ensure my safety. Could this be a huge problem for us later on? -- Projecting

DEAR PROJECTING: Yes, it could be a problem in the future. Before you dump your partner, though, start talking to them about your life as you learn about theirs. Share stories of how you grew up and how you and your parents have interacted over the years. Recall incidents of conflict and how you resolved it. Let your partner get a window into your world so they can see what you value and appreciate about your parents.

Be mindful not to brag about your experience. Since theirs is very different, you want to be sensitive to their story. Ask them to tell you the same things, about how they interacted with their parents and how they dealt with conflict. Be sure to ask about good times. Even if their lives together have been rocky, there are bound to be some pleasant memories.

You may have to agree that your interaction with your parents is different, and that’s OK. Ask them to respect what you have as you do the same.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who did not start drinking until recently. She has no idea what her limits are and often exceeds them, leaving me and my other friends to take care of her at the end of the night. I try to suggest to her to slow down or stop drinking at a certain point, but she gets defensive with me and says that she just wants to have fun like everybody else. The issue is that when she gets too drunk, none of us have fun because we are worried about her, and she doesn't realize that. I do not want to make her feel bad, but I want her to be safe, and I want to be able to enjoy a night out if I am with her. How should I approach talking to her about her drinking habits in a way that does not seem combative? If she does not receive my advice well, should I just stop going out with her? -- Drunk Friend

DEAR DRUNK FRIEND: Talk to her when she is sober. Describe to her the most recent drunk incident in detail. Recount how things devolved and how you were forced to become her caretaker. Tell her frankly that you aren’t willing to take on that role anymore. Suggest that she either stop drinking entirely or heed your warning when you recommend that she stop. If she refuses to listen, stop inviting her to go out with you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend, who is significantly heavier than me, keeps insisting that we're the same size. I don’t think she means to offend me, but she’s a very large person, and she probably has more than 50 pounds on me. I don't mind that she's heavier, but what bothers me is that she keeps trying to wear my clothes and acts surprised when they don't fit her.

I'm not sure how to approach her about this without coming across as insensitive or rude. I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her feel bad about her body, but at the same time, I don't want her to keep insisting that we're the same size and trying to wear my clothes. What should I do? -- Offended

DEAR OFFENDED: Do not take your friend’s inability to see herself accurately as a personal affront. It is not. This is all about her. Who knows why? Perhaps she used to be smaller and hasn’t come to terms with her new size. Perhaps she doesn’t have a sense of size at all and really does think you two are the same. Whatever her reasons are, they are not about you.

Still, you certainly should recalibrate the situation. Tell her that you appreciate that she likes your style and you are happy to direct her to places that might have the perfect outfit for her, but your clothes don’t work. Point out that you both look great, but your bodies are different, and you don’t wear the same size. Recommend that she go to a shop and get fitted by a professional so that she can know her right size and buy accordingly. Just say no the next time she asks to borrow an outfit.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently got out of a relationship that ended on a bad note. I found out that my boyfriend of a year had been cheating on me and lying about it. He often would get mad at me over little things and make me feel like a bad girlfriend. He never posted any photos of us on any of his social media accounts, and that made me feel like he was hiding our relationship. It has been a month since we broke up, and he has already posted a new girl -- someone he is now dating. Our friends keep telling me that it is not my fault that he was not good to me, but I cannot help but feel a bit unworthy. What can I do to move on from him? How can I trust someone else in the future? -- Bad Relationship

DEAR BAD RELATIONSHIP: Your friends are right. He wasn’t good to you. Of course that hurts.

First, you must pivot. Stop analyzing what went wrong. Let him go and focus on what you believe you would appreciate in a relationship. What are your values? How do you want to be treated? What makes you happy? Make a list. Literally write those things down so you can remind yourself when you meet someone new.

As you get to know someone, pay attention to see if he matches up with you in key areas. You don’t have to be perfectly suited in everything, but you do deserve to be with someone who will treat you with kindness and respect.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently found an expensive ring that my ex-boyfriend loaned me. I was stressed about it for a while because it was not a gift and I could not locate it when we broke up. I went for a walk with my current boyfriend and my best friend and expressed my happiness about finally finding the ring. My boyfriend made a joke about posting a photo of him wearing my ex’s ring, and my best friend and I immediately shut it down. We had not ended on bad terms, so I found it disrespectful to taunt my ex like that, but my boyfriend, who does not particularly get along with my ex, did not see it as an issue.

We all got into an argument about it, and my boyfriend did not understand why I was protecting my ex’s feelings when the two of them had issues. How do I explain to him that I am not trying to side with my ex, I just do not want to cause any unnecessary problems between them or bring up any resentment they once held for each other? -- Boyfriend Vs. Ex

DEAR BOYFRIEND VS. EX: The mistake you made was talking about the ring with your boyfriend at all. Especially since they had some beef with each other, that revelation only reignited your boyfriend’s feelings about him and triggered him to be more territorial about you.

You can attempt to squash this by apologizing to your boyfriend for bringing up the found jewelry in the first place. Let him know you did not mean to trigger any old animosities he may have about your ex. Let him know that you will return the ring, and that will be that. Then you should stop talking about it. I’m sure you meant well by giving your boyfriend a blow-by-blow about the ring and your ex. As you see, sometimes TMI backfires.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am not traveling or working this summer, and I cannot help but feel like I am missing something. I constantly feel like I have to hang out with friends or go outside and do something. Otherwise, I am just wasting my summer. I do not want to seem annoying by asking my friends too much, but I also do not have as many responsibilities as them, so my days are empty. I stay home sometimes, but my family relationships are a bit rocky at the moment. I do not know what to do, and I feel like I do not have enough time to commit to anything. I have been trying to think of hobbies, but I often get bored with them after a couple of days. What do you suggest I do to fill my time without spending too much money? -- Bored Over Summer

DEAR BORED OVER SUMMER: Enroll in a summer class that has fixed hours and a short run. It could be in the arts, crafts, sports -- anything. Look on community bulletin boards online to learn what’s available, and go for it. You can also join a book club where you have to read a book and then talk about it with a group. You can even form your own. It may not be too late to get a summer job where you work a few hours a week, earn money and occupy your time efficiently. There are also probably limitless volunteer opportunities in your community. You could help for a short time at a variety of organizations to keep yourself engaged.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)