Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got married to my current husband about 10 years ago. Before that, I had two children with my now-ex-husband. My current husband has really stepped up this past decade and become like a true father to my children. However, as my second daughter has entered her teenage years, my husband has started to complain about her attitude and even started calling her derogatory names. Not only has he complained to me, but he has also started talking about her to my extended family, and I am mortified. A tactic he has resorted to is avoiding her at all costs; we have a second property by the lake that he will visit for days at a time without the rest of us. What steps can I take to help bring their relationship back to the way it once was? -- Need a Resolution

DEAR NEED A RESOLUTION: When children become teenagers, their hormones are raging, and sometimes their behavior changes dramatically. What are you noticing about your daughter? Does she, in fact, have an attitude these days? Is she moody? Short-tempered? How would you describe her behavior? Notice specifically how she speaks to and interacts with your husband. Do the same as you observe him. How is he behaving? To navigate this, you want to have a clear view from your perspective.

Sit down with your husband. Tell him what you have observed and how it makes you feel -- namely, that he seems to be avoiding your daughter and talking negatively about her to others, and it’s upsetting and embarrassing you. Ask him not to withdraw but instead to help you with her as he always has. Point out that when a girl steps into the teenage years, it can be challenging for the whole family. Encourage him not to retreat but instead to stay actively present and to help guide your daughter with loving care, not judgment.

Talk to your daughter. Find out her thoughts. She likely has a completely different view of the situation. Help her learn how to sort through her emotions while being respectful.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am graduating from high school next year, and I’m starting to look for colleges. I feel as if I don’t have control over where I will attend college because my dad keeps pushing me to apply for Ivy League schools such as Dartmouth and Harvard. He has even flown me out to look at both of them. I don’t feel as if I can make it into an Ivy League university, and I don’t want to go too far away from my home state of Minnesota. I would rather attend a state school in the Midwest because they still offer a great education and are much more affordable due to in-state tuition and reciprocity. How do I tell my dad that I don’t want to attend a school so far away from home? I don’t want to disappoint him. -- Choosing College

DEAR CHOOSING COLLEGE: Your father is encouraging you to think big. There’s nothing wrong with that. While you shouldn’t be forced into applying to certain colleges, please do not give up before you try. If you get into one of those prestigious schools, you might be offered a scholarship, so money would no longer be an concern. My recommendation is that you apply to a range of schools. The Ivies can be your reach schools. Pick some safety schools like those in the Midwest and a third group that are a better fit for your chosen career path. Then see where you are accepted and how much each school will cost. There's no need to nix the Ivies now. Just see what happens.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My parents separated when I was much younger. Growing up, I had one wealthy parent and one low-income parent, and I was raised by the latter. I find it frustrating when people make assumptions that I grew up spoiled just because of my wealthy parent. It hurts me to think that people might perceive me as privileged when that's not my reality. I find it rude to assume anyone's financial status, really. I usually let people make their assumptions, but it’s always bothered me. Moving forward, how should I handle this? -- Mind Your Business

DEAR MIND YOUR BUSINESS: People will have their thoughts, and you cannot control that. What you can do is share your life with people as you get to know them. Without dissing either parent, you can describe what your upbringing was like -- when it is appropriate. Many children of divorced parents have uneven relationships with wealth, money and social stature, depending on which parent provides for them. The disparities can be jarring at times. While that may be your experience, it is not necessary for you to relive all of that all of the time. Instead, let people get to know you. When they state a belief about you that is untrue, correct it gently and without judgment.

DEAR HARRIETTE: There was a major falling-out in my friend group before my last semester ended. Two girls from our group of nine were rude to us and backstabbed us on more than one occasion. Some of us decided that we should remove ourselves from their lives; however, my best friend in the group remained friends with the two girls. We told her that we would not dictate who she can and cannot be friends with, but it is extremely awkward when she brings them up in conversation.

My group is worried that she is playing both sides and that every time she tells us something about the two girls, she is in turn telling them something about us. As her best friend, I do not want to tell her what she can and cannot do, but I also don’t know how to spark a conversation with her to explain that we do not want to hear about the other girls anymore and that they should not hear anything about us. Do you have any advice as to how to be mature going into this talk without making it seem like we are giving her an ultimatum? -- Friend Ultimatum

DEAR FRIEND ULTIMATUM: This is awkward and challenging to work through. You cannot dictate who another person can have as friends even if you want to. You can, however, attempt to draw the line by telling your best friend that you know how awkward the situation is. Remind her of what happened that precipitated the breakup between the two groups. Ask your best friend to stop talking about those two to your larger friend group, including you, and ask her to respect you and the others by keeping you out of her mouth when she is engaging those two. This will be hard and might not be possible for her to do. To enforce it, you can cut her off when she starts mentioning them. Remind her that it is for the mental health of all parties that nobody talks about them. Do that enough times, and she may stop.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: A few years ago, I started going to a beach community for most of the summer. It’s a lot of fun, and there’s tons of socializing that goes on. I have noticed that some people seem to go with the flow and always know what’s going on. I, on the other hand, often feel disconnected.

The other day, several of us were party-hopping. I had a list of activities that I was attending. I noticed that some people went to one event and left soon after, and I didn’t see them again until the next day. When they were reviewing their evenings, I learned that they had all been at another person’s house, but I wasn’t invited. I had a great time that evening, but I can’t help but feel like I’m not part of the inner circle. What can I do about that? -- FOMO

DEAR FOMO: You are suffering from what kids call the fear of missing out, or FOMO. I recommend that you continue to build relationships with people in your community. Host people at your place from time to time, and invite the people you find most interesting. Once you start inviting folks, they will likely invite you to more of their events. Be OK with not being invited to everything, though. It is not possible to be everywhere. Instead of worrying about what’s next, enjoy the moment you’re in.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have moved out of the country for a year. It’s my big adventure of sorts that I decided to do since I am still young and single. I work remotely, so I am able to live my dream and keep my job. It’s awesome except for one thing. My best friend seems to find every excuse not to visit me, despite my efforts to persuade her. What's even stranger is that people I'm not as close to have flown out to see me without hesitation, so it doesn't make sense to me that my closest friend can’t be bothered to come. I've seen her happily jetting off to see other friends countless times. What could this be about? -- Excuses

DEAR EXCUSES: Ask her. Be direct. That's the only way you are going to understand what’s going on. Rather than assuming that she’s got some personal beef with you, find out.

You say that you see her jetting off to visit others. Where do those people live? Since you are in another country, there’s a chance that she hasn’t come to see you because she doesn’t have a passport. Believe it or not, many Americans do not have passports. This could be the holdup. Ask her. If that is the case, encourage her to apply for one now. The process is simple, but it does take time. If that isn’t the reason, find out what it is and address it. Let her know that it hurts your feelings that she has chosen not to visit you when you see her constantly going to visit others. Get her to tell you why.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)