Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: Since August, I have committed myself to peace and happiness. Unfortunately, since doing this, every trial and trouble has been presented at my doorstep. What are the best ways to handle tribulations while trying to remain in a positive and serene place mentally and emotionally? Any advice will be helpful. -- Searching for Happiness

DEAR SEARCHING FOR HAPPINESS: I believe there is a Bible verse that says that the closer you get to being in union with God, the more obstacles will come before you. To live in a constant state of peace takes a tremendous amount of discipline, focus and work. You have to be vigilant. So much of it is about attitude. When bad things happen, how do you react to them? Practice observing what’s come into your life without responding right away. Stand back. Notice the person, situation or impediment that has shown up. Consider what it is, why it may be there and what lesson you can learn from it, then take action. Often, the best response is no response. You can see whatever is before you for what it is, recognize that it is out of your control or not necessary to address and move on. Sometimes you will have to deal with it. Then look for a way to handle the moment and leave honor on all sides of it. Backing yourself or someone else into a corner can be dangerous and unnecessary, especially if your goal is peace. Take each situation one step at a time.

Do know that in the moment, taking this advice may seem impossible. There will be times when you don’t feel calm or peaceful. Your goal should be to attain that peaceful state as quickly as possible. You get there by believing in yourself, standing in your power and looking out at others with compassion and patience.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have worked for a small nonprofit organization for the past five years. This year, two people have been let go due to budget cuts. My boss called me into the office last Friday to explain that she needs to reduce my salary but has given me more work. I enjoy working here, but having my salary reduced is putting me in a tight spot financially. Should I speak with my boss about this even though I know she can’t pay me more? -- Salary Reduced

DEAR SALARY REDUCED: Don’t ask for something you cannot receive. That will only create more friction. Instead, think of what else you may be able to have. Can you get a promotion in title for now and an increased salary later? Position yourself as invaluable, and ask to be acknowledged for that. Ask for more paid time off. Be strategic because you know your boss needs you, but you also must take care of yourself. Ask for a week or two extra of time off in exchange for the reduced salary and increased responsibilities. You may also want to start looking for a new job.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a new parent of a 2-month-old. My husband and I don’t have anyone in our state (Oregon) we are close with because we moved here a year ago for my husband's job. It’s been hard because all of our family is back in Ohio, where we are originally from. We have no support system, and my husband has gone back to work, so it’s just been me taking care of our son during the day.

When my husband gets home, he barely helps me with the baby; instead, he sits on the couch and claims he is too tired because he works all day. I feel like I am a single mother at this point. He never gets up during the night for the baby because he says he needs his sleep to go into work with a sound mind. I want to say I understand where he is coming from, but I can’t because we mutually decided that we wanted a child together and should, therefore, both be taking care of our son. What should I do to get my husband to engage with our son more? -- I Need Help

DEAR I NEED HELP: You have to talk to your husband. Get his attention calmly. Sit down together and lay things out so he can understand. Having a newborn is extremely time-consuming, emotional and exhausting. It is more than a full-time job. Yes, he does have a full-time job that tires him out, and you appreciate his efforts, but you absolutely need him to pitch in with your son. You never get to turn off and relax. You need him to share in the responsibilities of caring for your son, including getting up at night when he’s crying. Make a schedule if that will help him. Don’t give up until you convince him that you need him to be a partner in caring for the child you both brought into this world.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I enjoy being an introvert. Being able to spend time alone with a good book on a Saturday night is my favorite thing about the weekend. I do have a dog and I enjoy walking him in the park every day, but mainly I am a homebody. The problem is that I am single, and it is hard to meet men because I am not one to go out. How can I start to be open and become more comfortable stepping out of my comfort zone to meet men? -- Comfortable Life

DEAR COMFORTABLE LIFE: Start with your dog. When you go for a walk, notice who else is out there. Speak to fellow dog walkers, especially any interesting men. Put yourself out there to meet the people you encounter. Go a step further and enroll in a class or activity that you find fun that involves interacting with other people. If you put yourself in an environment that is designed for social engagement, you don’t have to work as hard to meet people. You will have to look up and speak to others. Get yourself there, and try it out.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 22, and I am dating a 30-year-old man who is a residence life coordinator at a dormitory for a large Midwestern university. A part of his benefits is that he has an apartment attached to the dorm, so if the residence assistants need him, he is there. This apartment does not have any rent attached to it.

I was about to move in with him when he told me that I needed to pay $1,000 a month to him as “rent.” I was shocked when he told me this. I have full knowledge of the fact that he doesn’t pay rent and that he is just planning on taking $1,000 from me every month. This has made me rethink not only moving in with him, but dating him in general. What do you think I should do? I thought that he was going to be the one, but unfortunately, this event has shaken my confidence in him. -- Not a Good Fit

DEAR NOT A GOOD FIT: If there ever was a red flag, this is it. You could simply walk away, but if you are curious, ask him why he thinks it’s a good idea to charge you for rent when he is paying none. Perhaps he has bills he needs to pay. Maybe that extra grand will help pay for something essential in his life. If that’s the case, he should state it up front. But that kind of need is best worked out through a transactional relationship -- a roommate with no benefits. Since you two are in a relationship, one would presume that you wouldn’t be expected to fund his dreams. Find out why he thinks it’s a good idea to charge you. Hear him out, but if I were you, I would move somewhere else. Oh, and be sure to take your heart with you!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My fiance and I moved in together at the beginning of October, and he is terrible at cleaning up after himself. I have OCD, which he is very aware of, yet he still doesn’t see the importance of putting away the dishes or picking up after himself. He does take out the trash and the dogs, but other than that, I am constantly cleaning up behind him. While dating, I never knew it was this bad. How can I tell him that he needs to be more intentional about keeping a clean house without sounding like a parent? -- Clean Home

DEAR CLEAN HOME: Perhaps you can allocate an area of your home that can be his to treat however he likes: his man cave, so to speak. In that space, he can throw his socks around and be as untidy as he wants. You don’t have to ever go in there. That is his space. Outside of that, ask him to follow some basic home hygiene rules. Make a list of what you want him to do to keep tidy. Invite him to work at establishing a routine that will help him to honor his agreement. Know that he won’t always be successful, but if and when he tries, thank him. This will reinforce the good habit.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)