Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I often find myself feeling like a third wheel when hanging out with two close friends. This sensation can be quite uncomfortable, and I worry about it affecting our friendship. How can I deal with this feeling without making my friends uncomfortable or negatively impacting the dynamic of our friendship? I want to address this situation in a way that preserves our bond and ensures everyone feels at ease during our time together. -- Third Wheel

DEAR THIRD WHEEL: There really isn’t too much to say. In groups of three, it is natural for two to become closer. Sadly, you are the odd person out. Stating the obvious will not likely make your relationship closer. Instead, you may want to reallocate how you spend your time. Do not rely solely on those two for your joy. Venture out and do things where you can meet other people. Easier still, reach out to other friends or associates and invite them to do something with you -- or even with the group. You need to establish some independence as a person so that you satisfy your personal needs to be appreciated and seen. If your two buddies aren’t doing that to your satisfaction, stop resenting them and fill your time differently.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I struggled a bit this past semester in college. I was dealing with a lot emotionally, and it affected my attention to my studies and social life. It is winter break now, and I want to be more productive next semester. I think that I should start preparing for my classes now and map things out, but I also want to savor my time off. Also, due to my social break, I am not involved in any clubs or activities with anyone outside of my immediate friend group. I want to expand my network next semester, but I am not sure where to start. How should I start my preparation, and how much time should I dedicate to it over break? -- Break Prep

DEAR BREAK PREP: Take your transition back into college life very seriously now so that you set yourself up for success. Devote at least an hour each day to mapping out a plan. Research campus clubs and activities that may pique your interest, and write to them to see if you can meet up next semester. Think about students you have liked who were in classes with you or whom you met in other capacities and reach out to a few of them to hang out when you return. Putting forth effort now will make it easier when you arrive back at school to hit the ground running.

While you are at home, do the things that bring you joy. Spend time with your family and loved ones. If you have local friends from high school or your neighborhood, reach out and be sure to hang out with them. Also, take time for yourself. Allow space to rest and rejuvenate, reflect and plan for your future. Not every moment needs to be scheduled. Be gentle with yourself.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I want to start cooking more often. For about two weeks, I cooked for every meal, and I felt much healthier and more productive when I prepared my own food. However, when school started to pick up and I had to study more, my time to cook shortened tremendously. I no longer had the motivation to cook because of how drained I was from schoolwork, and when I ran out of groceries, it felt as if there was too little time before break to order more food. I spent a lot of money on takeout and barely finished all the food I ordered due to the ridiculous portion sizes and grease. The healthier the food is, the more expensive it is, too, so I could not eat healthy every day. How should I start cooking again in a way that is affordable and not too time-consuming? How should I balance my meals? -- Cook More

DEAR COOK TIME: The key to your success is planning. Go food shopping on the weekends -- and cook then, too. Plan out your meals for the week and cook everything you can on one day. Carve out a couple of hours so that this task doesn’t take up all of your downtime. If you cook your food, pack it up and label it for each day, including the date you cooked it, you will have your own healthy meals ready to go. Freeze some items to keep on hand. Thaw them on the morning that you need them. You will save money and eat better while also managing your time well.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently made a mistake with my friends that had the opposite reaction of what I intended. My friend group split apart last year, and two people stopped being friends with all of us except for my roommate. The two girls that stopped being friends with us had long-standing issues with one girl in our group that I am on the outs with right now. However, I heard that a confrontation of some sort was going to come about, and I talked to my friends about it so they would leave my roommate out of it. Both sides misunderstood my words, and a full-blown fight ensued, ending with my roommate having to choose sides. I was trying to avoid drama by saying something, but I started it instead. I apologized to everyone for getting involved, but I feel guilty. How do you navigate when to say something to avoid conflict? -- Friend Conflict

DEAR FRIEND CONFLICT: As hard as it may seem, it is usually best to stay out of trying to solve problems in group dynamics. Instead of predicting what may happen and attempting to redirect behavior, sometimes you have to stand back and let things play out. It sounds like the one good thing you did was own up to your mistake. That is important as it points to your integrity. People will make mistakes. Unfortunately, this won’t be your last. Being honest about who you are, what you believe and how you feel about your friends is important. You can also state your position on how you intend to deal with conflicts in the future. My recommendation is to be direct with them and address any concerns individually rather than going to others about someone else’s issues.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend lied about going to a work thing and instead went to the movies alone, saying I'm “too clingy.” Hearing this felt like a huge blow. I want to give him some space, but how can I talk to him about the lie without making things worse? What should I say to let him know that the big problem is the lie, not that he thinks I'm clingy? I want to keep things calm between us. -- At an Impasse

DEAR AT AN IMPASSE: For your boyfriend to lie to you about needing space is an indication that your communication has broken down. Of course the lie is upsetting to you, but it sounds like your clinginess is equally upsetting to him. You cannot diminish his feelings about your behavior if you want to get him to understand how much you are impacted by his lying. In his mind, the offenses are equal.

Ask your boyfriend if you can sit down and talk. Apologize for being clingy. Tell him that you didn’t realize that your behavior sometimes makes him want to escape. Admit that this is upsetting to you and that you genuinely want to change. Give him a chance to express his thoughts on the subject. Listen and do your best not to be defensive. Then tell him that for you, lying is a huge transgression. Ask him not to do that again. As tough as it may be for you to accept that he doesn’t want to be around you sometimes, you would rather hear that he is going out by himself or with friends than lying about his whereabouts.

DEAR HARRIETTE: This past year has been really tough for me. As I go through challenging times and find myself juggling many responsibilities, I wonder about the things I can do to keep myself feeling good. When life gets tough, what specific actions or habits can I rely on to stay strong and balanced? I'm interested in learning from others' experiences to better handle stress and deal with difficult moments in my own life. -- Overwhelmed

DEAR OVERWHELMED: Assess how you spend your time. Write down what you do each day -- and be specific. Break your activities down into categories: personal, home, health, family, work and anything else that is a focal point for you. Under each category, list as many tasks as you can think of that occupy your time. Then look at your list. What takes up most of your attention? How much time do you spend on yourself? Could you reallocate your time and divert more to tending to you -- your health, your mental well-being, your social life, even your sleep?

When you can see your life in black and white, it can be easier for you to understand why you are feeling the way you are. Now is the time for you to reprioritize your time. Devote more time to yourself each day. Do something daily to celebrate you. Little victories make us smile inside and can soften whatever defeats or challenges we may be experiencing. Design your time to include opportunities to create tiny successes every single day.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)