Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: Being a single woman working in a corporate environment, I often find myself on extended work trips. While these trips are crucial for my career, I struggle to maintain a sense of balance between my work life and my personal life. How can I ensure that I take time for self-care, relaxation and personal activities while away on these demanding work trips? Additionally, what strategies or routines can I implement to stay connected with loved ones back home and prevent burnout from the constant travel demands? -- The Corporate Life

DEAR THE CORPORATE LIFE: Take advantage of this moment in time. As a single woman, you have the freedom to explore the world as you go on these extended work trips. Add a day or two in other cities or countries so that you can explore and learn about new places. You can even carve out time on your first evening -- or whenever you have time off -- to do something locally. Do your research in advance so that in those precious hours when you are off, you waste no time in heading to a fun adventure. Use the hotel's gym facilities to work out when you are on the road, and occasionally treat yourself to the spa when the hotel has one.

As far as your loved ones at home, schedule time to check in with them, including when you are on the road. Take someone along on an adventure by video chatting with them from the local winery or from your hotel room during a quiet moment. By including your community in your life, you can feel more connected and fulfilled as you build your corporate career.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter, who was 16 at the time, fell into a deeply self-destructive place after her dad died from cancer at the beginning of her junior year in high school. She barely graduated and had no idea what would come next for her. She went through a dark five years. Like one person who recently wrote to you, “Time for Change,” she watched her friends become successful college students with great ideas for what would follow. Instead of giving up at 21, she started community college and loved it! Her grades were such that she was able to finish at a four-year private college with no debt. During her senior year, one of her professors encouraged her to apply to pharmacy school, where she is now. She wants to be a hospital pharmacist working on medications for oncology patients. She would love to participate in oncology research. Tell “Time for Change” to embrace the change she is ready for -- she, too, can do it! -- Affirmation

DEAR AFFIRMATION: Thank you for writing in to share your daughter’s story. We all have our own journeys. When we compare ourselves to others, it can be devastating. I trust that learning about your daughter will be inspiring to anyone who is feeling stuck or left back or otherwise lost in life. As long as you are alive, you have the opportunity to make new decisions to positively impact your future. With time, effort and unyielding focus, you can manifest your dreams. Nobody said it would be easy, but then again nothing is easy -- even for the people you are observing from afar and may envy. So rather than getting distracted or emotionally dismantled by somebody else’s story, go out there and make your own!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend's boyfriend is always the one picking up her phone when I call. He'll be like, "Hey, she's in the shower, but I can take a message if you want." Honestly, I feel like it's unnecessary because I know she'll see my missed call and ring back when she's free. It bugs me because it's like he's always got her phone, and I don't want him accidentally reading our private chats. I barely text her now, worried he might see it, and that's stressing me out about what he might know from our conversations. It's getting to me, and I'm not sure how to bring it up without causing drama. -- Blocker

DEAR BLOCKER: You’ve got two things to do right away. First, figure out how you and your best friend can spend time together alone -- and soon. When you are together, ask her about her life and probe to learn as much as you can about her boyfriend. Is she really happy? Does she feel smothered? How else does he exhibit control over her? Does she feel safe? Tell her that you are a bit concerned because she no longer answers her phone, and it seems like he has taken away her autonomy. Observe her to get a sense of what’s actually going on, as she might not tell you.

As far as your private communications go, suggest that she erase all of your text history so that your relationship can be as private as possible, though you should assume that he already has looked through it. If there is something you have shared that could put you in a compromising position, you will have to deal with that. In the future, don’t text any of that sensitive stuff.

If you think your friend is ever in immediate danger, remind her that help is only a phone call away: 800-799 SAFE (7233), or text 88788 to reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a 30-year-old woman, and I live alone. Recently, my closest friend has developed a habit of visiting to watch a movie, only to end up falling asleep, turning our hangout into an impromptu sleepover. While I value our time together, her unplanned stays disrupt my minor plans, such as cleaning and organizing. How can I kindly address this situation without hurting our friendship, ensuring our time together remains enjoyable while also respecting my need to stick to my routines and responsibilities? -- Boundaries

DEAR BOUNDARIES: Tell your friend that you love her, but movie night can no longer be an automatic sleepover. Explain that while you enjoy her company, you would prefer for your evenings to end with her going home. So set a time limit. Make sure that the time you spend together is special, and give her a heads-up that lights out will be at a particular time. If she has dozed off, nudge her awake and send her on her way. You may find that occasionally it’s easier to let her stay, but not at first if you want to set new boundaries. She may not like this, but she will get used to it.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Embarking on a health journey in the new year, I'm feeling apprehensive about my lack of expertise in fitness and clean eating. Though I thrive with accountability, I'm embarrassed to ask friends and co-workers to support me. Can you suggest strategies for finding an accountability partner without feeling vulnerable or shy about my fitness journey? -- Looking for a Partner

DEAR LOOKING FOR A PARTNER: Congratulations on being serious about your health and fitness. This may just be the most important focal point for anyone’s life -- even as it tends to be something we overlook. You said it: Embarrassment and vulnerability too frequently get in the way of people making a consistent effort to do what it takes to improve their health. It’s great that you realize you will benefit from an accountability partner. Now -- how to find one.

Look around in your world. Who is physically active? Who is making an effort to be healthy? I don’t mean who is the marathon runner. No. Who is working at it and seems open to talking about it? This could be someone in your hometown with whom you might actually be able to walk, go to the gym or otherwise engage in fitness activities together. Or it could be someone long-distance with whom you can jump on a call and motivate each other remotely. Ask someone who knows and respects you and seems potentially open to a shared journey.

If you can’t think of anyone in your own world, go to the gym and look around. Do you see anybody who looks open to talking to you? Go online to health chat groups. Look for someone who seems to be focused on health. Obviously with strangers, keep your guard up in terms of sharing too much personal info -- think home address, inner circle -- but even a stranger could help keep your feet to the fire.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I would like to share a thought I had when reading the recent letter from “Stop the Bullying.” In addition to your advice of talking to the school officials and her son to get to the bottom of the issues behind the bullying, I believe it’s imperative she also do a deep dive into his online presence and media consumption. While it’s possible that he is involved in similar activity online, I think it’s even more likely that exposure to it there or suffering from bullying himself, whether personally or anonymously, could be contributing to this issue.

She says she has tried to “instill values of kindness and empathy.” but it doesn’t take long to run into online spaces where the opposite values are extolled. Seeing the media he has consumed and interacted with could lead the way to a new understanding of why he is behaving this way. -- Anti-Bullying

DEAR ANTI-BULLYING: Thank you for adding such important thoughts to this conversation about bullying. Social media and general media consumption are like the wild, wild West these days. You are right to point out that they can easily derail anyone, even a young person who grew up with solid moral values.

For parents who need support, you can call the Stop Bullying Now Hotline at 800-273-8255. For students who are trying to make it through the day, text HELLO to 741741; they can connect you to a crisis counselor.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)