Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for eight months, and I think he might be the one I want to marry. I am 32 years old, and it feels well past due. My family, however, doesn’t approve of him at all. They believe he is unsuitable for me and have expressed their concerns about our relationship. He is unemployed currently, and I pay our rent and other expenses, which is why they are unimpressed with him.

My boyfriend is so much more to me than just an additional income. I'm torn between following my heart and pursuing a future with the person I love or listening to my family's advice and reconsidering the relationship. Is it possible to find some middle ground and help my family see the positive aspects of our relationship, or should I prioritize their opinions over my own feelings? -- Is He the One?

DEAR IS HE THE ONE?: Your family wants what is best for you. That includes making sure your eyes are wide open as you enter a marriage, which is supposed to be a lifetime commitment. You two need to talk to each other about your futures and how you plan to map out your lives. Talk about responsibilities, boundaries, goals and dreams. What does your boyfriend want to do with his life? What are his goals and intentions for earning a living and participating in caring for your family? While he does not need to be a millionaire, he should have a sense of what his role should be in providing for your family. Get him to talk about these things so that you can determine if you share values and goals. Do this for yourself, even if it is prompted by your parents.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom is pressuring me to enter into an arranged marriage with someone I do not love. I am currently in a relationship with someone else I care deeply about. My mother has threatened to disown me if I do not comply with her wishes regarding the arranged marriage. I feel torn between following my heart to maintain a relationship with my partner, and honoring my mother's expectations. The thought of losing my family's support is heartbreaking, but I also do not want to sacrifice my own happiness and well-being. -- Forced Marriage

DEAR FORCED MARRIAGE: Sounds like a culture war to me. Your mom is a traditionalist, and she wants you to follow in your culture’s footsteps as you build your life. You do not agree. The two of you need to spend quality time talking about the situation and the reality that you do not share her views on cultural traditions. Assure her that you still love and honor her, even as you don’t want to participate in an arranged marriage. Respect her desire to protect you by having you follow in her footsteps. Know that there is value in this tradition. Fewer couples who have arranged marriages divorce than those who have love matches. Your mother is not completely wrong to want to cloak you in a tradition that has fortified family stability for generations. So be kind and respectful, even if you ultimately choose to follow your own path.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: There is a concerning situation involving a boy I know who is intelligent but not considered cool by his peers -- he's a nerd. The girl he likes has been using him for her personal gain, manipulating him into doing her assignments and projects. Despite my attempts to warn him about her intentions, he does not seem to heed my advice. Witnessing someone being taken advantage of in this manner troubles me deeply. I care about my friend and want to protect him from being used and manipulated by others. It is disheartening to see him being exploited for his intelligence and kindness, especially by someone he has feelings for. Should I step back and allow him to learn from his experiences, even if it means watching him endure further harm? -- Friend's Exploitation

DEAR FRIEND’S EXPLOITATION: It sounds like you have done what you can do to support your friend. When people are “in like,” they often can’t see what’s in front of their faces. You can be there to listen to him and talk to him as time goes on. If you notice that this girl is doing anything that will physically hurt him, point that out. Otherwise, it’s a waiting game. He has to come to his own understanding of what’s happening and deal with it. Whether one is a nerd or not, we all go through challenges where our hearts are tested.

DEAR HARRIETTE: After years of working in human resources, I can say a vast majority of employees who believe they do “great work” and are “assets to their companies” are, in reality, mediocre and frequently refuse to accept any feedback that isn’t positive.

Many managers are reluctant to deal with disgruntled employees and don’t give performance reviews that help their staff to improve or evolve. These are difficult conversations, but, if done correctly, professionally and with tact, their employees will not be so surprised when they are handed a pink slip. -- Reality Check

DEAR REALITY CHECK: Thank you for writing in with your wisdom. You are absolutely right to point out that what one person calls “great work” may likely be what’s known as “doing your job.” There is a generation of people who grew up getting a trophy just because they ran the race -- literally. Many of those people naturally believe they should be cheered on for doing just the basics. Yet, reality is different. In order to excel and grow in a company -- or anywhere in life, for that matter -- you have to stretch. You have to do more than what is expected and truly strive for excellence consistently. To figure that out requires being crystal clear about what is expected of you and about what a reach looks like. That calls for active communication with your manager, team leader, co-workers, etc.

One final thought: A leader in HR once told me that a smart employee always knows what will be said in a performance review because that person has done the due diligence to learn how well they are doing all along the way.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a 29-year-old woman from Phoenix. My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for five years. I thought that he was "the one" for a long time -- until this year when he fell terminally ill. I’ve had to watch him slowly fade away for three months now, and the doctors say he will continue to do so until the end of the year.

I don’t know if I can watch the love of my life die anymore. Every day is a struggle, and I feel an overwhelming mix of sadness, helplessness and heartbreak. I want to be there for him, but at the same time, it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to cope with the emotional toll of his illness.

How can I support my boyfriend during his final days without completely losing myself in the process? I love him dearly, but the thought of losing him is tearing me apart. Any advice on finding strength and making the most of the time we have left together would be greatly appreciated. -- In Sickness?

DEAR IN SICKNESS?: While you and your boyfriend are not married, you are in a long-term, committed relationship. I do not recommend that you walk away now, at the point when he is most vulnerable and in need of your support. Of course things are tough right now. That’s the nature of illness. If his prognosis is terminal, no matter how hard it is at the moment, do your best to stick by his side and support him in whatever ways you can. It would be wise to enlist the support of his family and close friends so that you don’t have to help him on your own.

At the same time, get support for yourself. You need somebody to talk to, a good ear when times get tough. Be with your boyfriend when you can, but also carve out time for yourself. That includes spending time at work, with friends and living your life. Remember to breathe and do your best to have patience.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am struggling with feelings of guilt and remorse after cheating on my husband. Though he doesn’t know the extent of my betrayal, he has chosen to forgive me for my distance and accept me back into his life.

I am finding it difficult to move past the guilt and shame of my actions. Should I continue to carry this burden alone, or should I confess my wrongdoing to my husband and seek his forgiveness once again? I fear that revealing the truth may jeopardize the progress we have made in repairing our relationship. -- Struggling With Guilt

DEAR STRUGGLING WITH GUILT: You should consider going to a therapist, a professional who can help you look more deeply at your life so that you can face what happened. Confessing to your husband that you feel guilty will help nobody. Examining your behavior and the events or circumstances that led up to it could be extremely helpful. Do your best to assess the why of the situation. What happened that made you decide to cheat? If you are able to address whatever the weakness was in yourself and in your marriage, you may be able to heal from that and strengthen your relationship with your husband.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)