Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm being offered a job I'm not qualified for. Should I accept it?

During a recent job application event, there was a process that tested each person’s comprehension and attention to detail. The person who used the computer before me did not close his tab, revealing his almost perfect result. I didn't think much of it at the time. I took the test and ended up teetering on the line between passing and failing. I had already accepted that I wouldn't get the job, but then the company called me with a job offer. As I sorted through my papers during onboarding, I realized that the assessment score displayed was not mine; it belonged to the person before me. They must have made a mistake in recording it. What do I do now? -- Borrowed Skills

DEAR BORROWED SKILLS: The best thing you can do in this situation is speak up and tell the truth. Since you did take the test and did not sneak that person’s scores in as your own, you were honest in the application process, though they mistakenly assigned you someone else’s score. Contact the hiring manager and express your sincere interest in working for the company, and add that you are concerned that your skills may not be up to par for them. Point out whatever your score was compared to what was listed in your onboarding package. Be clear that you would like to accept the job, but you want to make sure that you have the requisite skills to do it effectively.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I graduated college magna cum laude, yet my aunt appears displeased. While she congratulated me in an online post for everyone to see, she cannot stop boasting about her daughter, a college freshman who made the dean's list. In every conversation within our extended family, she manages to interject her daughter's achievements when other family members congratulate me in our family group chat. She even suggested to one of my aunts to split the congratulatory money I am about to receive, since her daughter received a certificate. Her constant antics are quite annoying to me. I’m not sure if I’m just being too sensitive about it, though. -- Magna Cum Laude

DEAR MAGNA CUM LAUDE: First, congratulations for such a significant accomplishment! To get through college, learn and experience social dynamics and the growing pains of becoming an adult is a lot. To do so with high honors is incredibly meaningful. You deserve to be lauded.

I don’t think your aunt is displeased with you. I’m sure she is proud of you. Yet she is also fiercely protective of her child who is beginning the college process. She wants to make sure that her daughter keeps her confidence and understands the value of her achievements. Is your aunt insensitive to your feelings? Yes, but what you described sounds like she is cheerleading her daughter who has begun the journey that you just completed. Do your best to forgive her as you turn the page to the next part of your journey. You are doing great!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I find myself in a difficult situation with my father. I recently graduated from college and secured a job, but my father keeps asking me for money. The challenging part is that he didn’t contribute financially to my college education, and he hasn’t supported me financially since before I turned 18. While I understand that he may be facing difficulties of his own, it feels like my accomplishments are seen as a means to provide for him.

I worked hard to earn my degree and establish myself in my career, and I had hoped that my family would take pride in my achievements rather than view me solely as a source of financial assistance. I want to support my father, but I also feel frustrated and resentful of his constant requests for money. How do I set boundaries without causing strain on our relationship? I want to find a solution that honors both my father's needs and my own financial stability and independence. -- What Is My Duty?

DEAR WHAT IS MY DUTY?: This is a difficult situation. On one hand, your job is to become independent now. For many college graduates, it doesn’t happen so quickly, and they continue to rely on their parents for years. Good for you that you can begin to be self-sufficient.

It may seem impossible to deny your father, so maybe you shouldn’t. The two of you could establish a budget. What can you afford to give him on a monthly basis? Define a specific amount, and the next time he asks for money, give him that. If he asks for more, apologize and tell him you have no more to give. You don’t have to tell him that you have allocated a monthly allowance for him, but you can have it available on reserve in case he asks.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Dating my girlfriend can be costly. She is the most amazing person I know; she’s thoughtful, kind and a joy to be around. However, she always prefers to dine at pricey restaurants. While we take turns paying for dates, it is hard to keep up with the expenses. She is accustomed to this lifestyle from her upbringing, and I understand that. I feel hesitant to discuss this with her, as I feel embarrassed about not making more. -- Expensive Girlfriend

DEAR EXPENSIVE GIRLFRIEND: It is essential for you to be honest with your girlfriend. If the reality is that you cannot keep up with the cost of being in relationship with her, she needs to know. It may also be that you don’t want to spend all of your money on immediate pleasures. What about the future? If you like this woman enough to consider being with her long-term, put your foot down. Admit that you can’t afford to keep up, and you don’t want to drain your bank account in the ways that you two have been doing. Decide what you are willing to afford on a monthly basis to entertain her. Tell her what that amount is, and see how she responds.

Beyond that, though, think about what you really want. If this woman is worth it, tell her your thoughts for the future, and learn if you two can get on the same page. If not, it’s best to let her go now before you get too wrapped up in each other.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had a huge falling out with one of my best friends. We hadn’t spoken for about three months until the other day, when we got together to talk. We shed a lot of tears and spoke our minds about what happened between us, but we didn’t find resolution. I walked away feeling like I was being blamed for something that I don’t think was my fault. I already forgave my friend for being what I thought was mean and callous to me during a tender time, but I’m not quite sure what to do next. I want us to be close again, but I struggle with how to get past the way she talked to me so judgmentally when I was having a hard time. What do you recommend? -- Hurt

DEAR HURT: It sounds like you value your friendship more than holding a grudge. If that’s the case, you need to search your soul for the deepest level of forgiveness you can find. You need to be able to forgive your friend for the things that hurt you. That means accepting her, flaws and all. It also means that you need to protect yourself. When you are feeling vulnerable or tender, don’t go to her for solace. Perhaps she doesn’t have the capacity to offer that. Find another shoulder to cry on, or you may find yourself licking your wounds again. Rebuilding this friendship may take time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just had a heart-to-heart conversation with my husband about our marriage, something I have been begging to have for years. It was hard to listen to all of his complaints, but I did. I think he listened to me a little bit better than during normal conversations.

We have been at an impasse in our relationship for a long time, pretty much retreating to our own corners of our house, hardly talking to each other when it’s just the two of us. We do have fun sometimes and put on a good face when we are spending time with other people, but mostly we are existing more than living. We certainly aren’t happy. I have asked him to go to counseling for years. He always refuses. My concern is that normally we argue. On that one day during our heart-to-heart we mostly were civil, but without professional intervention, I don’t know how we get to the other side of our difficulties. -- On the Battlefield

DEAR ON THE BATTLEFIELD: What if you get counseling by yourself? You cannot make your husband do anything, but if you don’t have the tools to communicate better with your husband on your own, a therapist may be able to help you find the words. A mental health professional can guide you on a discovery tour of yourself -- of your wants, needs, challenges and desires. You can gain insight into how your behavior impacts your life and his, how to identify your triggers and how to use tools to manage your emotions and your interactions with your husband.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)