DEAR HARRIETTE: I've been dating my girlfriend, Sarah, for a year now, and she has become increasingly insecure about my friendships with my childhood buddies -- both men and women. Sarah often expresses her discomfort when I plan to hang out with them, fearing that I might grow closer to someone else. Despite reassurances of my commitment to her, Sarah's insecurities persist, making it challenging for me to enjoy time with my friends. This results in me going out without her knowledge and lying to her. How can I address Sarah's concerns and help her feel more secure in our relationship while maintaining my friendships and personal space? I want to find a balanced approach that respects her feelings and my need for social connections. -- Outgoing Boyfriend
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DEAR OUTGOING BOYFRIEND: You and Sarah need to talk about who you are as people and what you need in order to be fulfilled. She must understand that you are a social person and that you need such connections in your life. Explain to Sarah what makes you happy. Tell her what you do when you hang out with your friends and why that is important to you. Further, tell her what has been happening: Because you don’t want to hurt her or be bound by her insecurities, you have resorted to sneaking out. That behavior is unhealthy and a surefire way of destroying a relationship. If the two of you are to have a chance at a future together, you will need to determine what makes each of you happy and find ways to make space for that to happen.
On a deeper level, you should talk to Sarah about her past. Why is she so insecure about you being with your friends? Did something happen that led her to distrust so deeply? Whatever is making her so worried needs to be addressed so that you both can move forward.