Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am very introverted, and I find it challenging to find my footing when I’m in group settings. I recently moved to a new city and have been trying to build up my social network, but I’m struggling to make genuine connections because of my introversion. When I am one-on-one with a person, I feel more comfortable, but as soon as another person gets added to the mix, I become the third wheel. I often find myself on the sidelines, watching everyone else interact without participating in the conversations. It feels like everyone around me effortlessly engages in jokes and storytelling; meanwhile, I struggle to insert myself into the flow of conversation. By the time I think of something to say, the topic has usually changed, and I miss my chance to contribute. This leaves me feeling isolated and somewhat invisible, despite being physically present. I want to break out of my shell and find ways to engage more confidently in group interactions. Is introversion something that I can change about myself, or is it something that may stay with me forever? -- Don’t Want To Be Introverted

DEAR DON’T WANT TO BE INTROVERTED: I have spoken to a number of people who consider themselves to be introverts who have “overcome” their inability to engage in the ways that concern you. One successful CEO told me that she prepares in advance so that she has a few key topics she wants to discuss when she is speaking with others in social settings. That helps her not to be flat-footed in awkward moments. She also admits that she uses a tremendous amount of energy to be engaging when in the company of others and needs quiet recovery time later. When she allows time for being still and alone, she is able to collect energy for the next social engagement.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm 28 years old, and ever since my husband and I got married two years ago, my in-laws have been pressuring us to have children. Despite my career as a software engineer, which they know about, they continually make remarks about starting a family and emphasize not waiting too long. While my husband verbally supports my career goals and dismisses his parents' comments, I can sense his subtle desire to have children, making our conversations about this topic uncomfortable. How can I respectfully handle this pressure from my in-laws while maintaining my career focus and addressing my husband's unspoken feelings? Any advice on the situation would be greatly appreciated. -- Family Expectations

DEAR FAMILY EXPECTATIONS: First, get in alignment with your husband. Have you two talked about having children and when you want to do that? The fact that you are focused on your career is fine, but the two of you should have a plan for if or when you want to start a family. When you are in alignment, it will be easier to speak to your in-laws.

I remember my in-laws giving me a decorative picture frame for a baby’s room as a wink-wink encouragement to have a child early on in my marriage. I didn’t respond to it. When we finally did have a child 10 years later, my husband’s 92-year-old grandmother told me, “You took long enough.” I understood her desire to know our child, but we wanted to have a child on our terms, not anyone else’s. Form a united front with your husband. It will make your life easier.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years. He recently proposed to me, and his parents personally contacted me for a get-together. My boyfriend was not included, as they claimed they only wanted to get to know me. I work as a bartender, which is what they know about me. However, besides that, I have investments and properties, and I actually earn more than their son. Bartending is just something I enjoy because of the lively community.

In the middle of our dinner, my boyfriend’s mother said that I needed to sign a prenuptial agreement because I am just a bartender, and it would solve financial problems in the future between me and my husband. Feeling humiliated, I told them about my businesses and highlighted that I earn more than their son and have no problem with a prenuptial agreement. They have since apologized and requested that I don't tell my fiance. I am still contemplating whether to tell him. -- Prenuptial Agreement

DEAR PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT: I don’t think it’s healthy to start a marriage with secrets, especially one that has to do with your future in-laws. You should tell your fiance, but you can frame it from the perspective that they were trying to protect him. Tell him what happened, and allow that to be a segue into a conversation about money and the future. Being clear about money and how you earn, manage, save and invest it is important for your alignment as a couple. So, tell him, open up the discussion and make it a valuable conversation for the two of you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: It is my day off work today, and I noticed a stack of unopened parcels in my living room, which got me thinking. I've been noticing a worrying pattern in my spending habits lately. Despite having a good income, I find myself frequently making impulse purchases on items like electronics and clothing. Although this isn't causing financial strain -- I can pay all my bills on time -- I find that I'm unable to save anything for my future. As a 25-year-old, this concern is growing because it impacts my ability to save for important goals like buying a home or planning for retirement. How can I regain control over my spending and develop better financial habits? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. -- Concerned Spender

DEAR CONCERNED SPENDER: You’ve taken the first step, which may be the most important: acknowledging that you have a problem. Take a moment and write down everything that you have purchased, and add up the total. What does that number represent to you? What else might you have done with that money? Don’t beat yourself up. Just be aware of the impact that this money could have had on your life if you used it differently.

Now look at your life and think about your future. What do you want for yourself? You mention buying a home. You likely also want a cushion of savings. Make a plan so that you can have that. Ask your employer to automatically deposit a portion of your paycheck to your 401(k) or other savings instrument so you never see that money. Talk to a financial planner to create a strategy for investing and saving. Allow a professional to guide you to use your resources more wisely.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m a recently divorced mom with three adult children. My husband was physically and emotionally abusive throughout our marriage. He originally left me and my young children when they were just toddlers, but we eventually reconciled. When the kids were in college, he sent me divorce papers, but he eventually reneged after I begged him to reconsider. Several years later, after two of our children got married, he again filed for divorce, moved out and purchased a new home without me. The divorce was acrimonious and, to this date, despite the judgment against him, he has failed to pay alimony and still owes assets from the original settlement. Because of this, I haven't been able to properly settle down. Meanwhile, he appears to be living happily ever after and has even remarried.

My two sons don't want anything to do with him, but my daughter continues to communicate with him. She has even hosted him at her house. I can't believe she would want anything to do with him after all of the terrible things he has done. She has mentioned that he will be visiting and bringing along his new wife. I have tried to explain to her how hurtful it is that she is letting this new woman into her life, but she doesn't seem to understand. How can I convince her to change her mind, or at minimum persuade her to tell her dad that his new wife is not welcome? -- Devastated Mom

DEAR DEVASTATED MOM: Your relationship with your ex is separate from his with his children. Stop trying to control how they engage with him. You should get therapy to help you heal. Your children are going to forge their own path with their father. Don’t try to guilt them into siding with you. Do your best to live your life and get stronger for yourself and your family.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Regarding “Time to Make a Move,” the reader whose boyfriend hasn’t proposed after five years, I like your advice. It reminded me that 73 years ago, my girlfriend came to New York City from St. Louis to spend a week with me and my family. When it came time to go back, she said, "Where do we go from here?"

I was in the military and didn’t know where they would send me, possibly even farther from her. We had had enough of writing to each other, and phone calls were too expensive then. That left two options: Forget about each other or get married. I never asked her to marry me, nor did she ask me. We simply agreed that marriage was the right way to go. She was the love of my life. We made it 71 years with children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She passed away last year. She was in a care home with dementia, but I visited daily for close to three years. Toward the end, she said she wanted to marry me. That was the best parting gift anyone could give to one's partner. -- Memories

DEAR MEMORIES: What a perfect love story! Thank you for sharing how you and your partner made a beautiful life together. Even in the later years, for you to experience joy through dementia is a sign to others who may be struggling with that disease that joy can be found in the direst places. Blessings to you!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)