Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I moved to New York City this summer, and a friend of mine wanted to stay with me for a weekend. However, the weekend didn't go as well as I had hoped. My friend seemed to expect me to know everything about the city, even though I’ve only lived here for three weeks. She relied entirely on me for directions, and when we inevitably got lost or confused, she had a miserable attitude and complained instead of helping me figure out where we needed to go. She also made several impractical choices that complicated our plans. For instance, she wore heels on the day we walked all over the city -- all because she wanted to take pictures in them. I had advised her against it, knowing it would make her uncomfortable, but she insisted. As predicted, she ended up in pain.

Financially, the weekend was also a strain. I’m quite frugal and prefer to stick to a budget, but she likes to spend lavishly. I ended up spending more money on food and Uber than I was comfortable with because she wasn’t willing to walk or take public transportation.

After all this, she still thinks she is welcome to visit again this summer, and I’m dreading the possibility of a repeat experience. How can I set boundaries without coming across as rude or ungrateful? -- Bad Guest

DEAR BAD GUEST: Be direct when you talk to your friend. Let her know that her visit did not go as planned, and while you were happy that she came, you did not appreciate how she behaved. Be honest. Remind her that you are new to New York City; you are learning the layout of the city, just like she is. The things that you do know, she ignored, which led to frustration and unneeded expense. Tell her if she visits again, you have to agree on what and how you will manage the trip. Otherwise, it’s best for her to stay home.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a 35-year-old marketing manager juggling a demanding job that requires constant focus, and family responsibilities on top of that. Over the years, my weight has crept up, and I find myself struggling with unhealthy eating habits. After a hectic day at the office, I often resort to fast food or snacks, which has contributed to unwanted weight gain and a constant feeling of fatigue. How can I realistically incorporate nutritious eating habits into my daily routine? Given my schedule, I need practical advice: quick meal ideas or easy recipes tailored to a busy lifestyle. I'm eager to make sustainable changes to improve my health and energy levels. -- Seeking Balance in Seattle

DEAR SEEKING BALANCE IN SEATTLE: Make an appointment with a nutritionist. This may be covered by your insurance. Not only will you get a full assessment of your health -- with recommendations for easy meals -- you will also get monitoring of your progress. A nutritionist will give you a list of healthy foods, including snacks to keep on hand. Stop buying junk food. If it’s not in your home or office, you can’t eat it. Look online for quick and healthy recipes to support your weight-loss plan.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm reaching out for your advice regarding my elderly neighbor, “Mrs. Thompson.” Over the years, we've developed a good connection, and I've gladly assisted her with tasks like fetching her mail and running occasional errands. However, Mrs. Thompson has been increasingly dependent on me for these tasks. While I genuinely want to help her, the growing frequency and extent of her requests are starting to overwhelm me. I'm struggling to find a balance where I can continue being a supportive neighbor without feeling burdened. How can I gently set boundaries with Mrs. Thompson while ensuring that she still feels supported and cared for? -- Elderly Neighbor

DEAR ELDERLY NEIGHBOR: Now is the time for you to do some research on behalf of Mrs. Thompson. Do you know her family? Can you find out what blood relatives she has? If and when you do, get in touch with them and let them know that Mrs. Thompson is in need of a new level of support. While it is kind and thoughtful of you to continue to help her as best you can, now may be the time for those responsible for her to step up.

If she does not have family, talk to her about her plans for the future. Has she thought about whether she might one day move to assisted living or hire someone to help her around the house? Be gentle yet firm with your questions. If you are unable to do the things she needs at the level she currently needs them, you must let her know. Do your best to help her find alternative care.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a situation involving my teenage daughter's 17-year-old friend. Over the past few months, she has been regularly coming over to our house after school and on weekends. Initially, I didn't mind, as I enjoy having her around and she gets along well with my daughter. However, she has overstayed her welcome for the past five months or so. She often stays for dinner without being invited and sometimes even spends the night without prior arrangement. This has started to disrupt our family routine and create some inconvenience. I talked to my daughter about it, and she got mad at me, saying she likes having her friend around because they relate to each other, and I am being too strict. Am I? -- Overstaying Daughter’s Friend

DEAR OVERSTAYING DAUGHTER’S FRIEND: Sounds like something is not right at home for this young lady. It is time for you to check in with her parents. Call or visit her home to see what’s going on in her life. Talk to her mother. Tell her that you have enjoyed getting to know her daughter, but you have noticed that she has been spending a lot of time at your house. Ask about the mom’s schedule and what her expectations are for her daughter. Feel her out to learn what their family life is like so that you can discover what’s going on behind the scenes.

If you want to have certain times reserved just for your nuclear family, make that clear to your daughter, and then to the friend. On any given evening, you can tell her it’s time for her to go home as you intend to have a quiet night with the family. Your daughter may not approve, but you have every right to limit how much time this young lady spends at your home. Just make sure she is safe in her own home environment before you do.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a housewife and mother of nine children, ranging from toddlers to teenagers. Yesterday, my husband told me he wants a divorce. He says he no longer loves me and believes we should part ways. I have to face the reality of supporting our large family on my own. He proposes splitting custody of the children, but I have no clue how I am going to manage financially when the children are with me. I understand that child support will help, but it won’t cover the high cost of raising nine children, especially considering their varying needs, such as education, clothing, food and extracurricular activities.

I haven’t worked in 17 years, having dedicated my life to raising our children and managing our household. The thought of reentering the workforce after such a long break is daunting, particularly in today’s competitive job market. My skills are outdated, and my resume has a huge gap, which I fear will be a major obstacle in finding employment. I want to provide stability and reassurance, but my own anxiety and uncertainty about the future make it difficult to maintain a positive outlook. How can I begin to address these challenges? -- Jilted Housewife

DEAR JILTED HOUSEWIFE: I’m sorry that this has happened to you. To start, find an attorney who can walk you through the legalities of your situation. That you have not worked for 17 years so you could care for your family will be fuel to help you regain financial control of your life, as it will most likely entitle you to alimony in addition to child support. You need to know your rights and carve a way forward. At the same time, begin to create a resume that lists both your academic and professional achievements. Work to redefine your at-home skills in professional terms. You have done far more than you realize. Now is the time to quantify that.

Work with your attorney to reach a settlement. Allow your attorney to be aggressive for your children and for you. It will be hard to care for your large family alone, especially since you have not worked for a long time. This is why you must give your attorney the leeway to push hard for the financial support that you will need.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am getting married in a month, and as a 27-year-old perfectionist, I've meticulously planned a fairy- and nature-themed wedding. The search for the perfect shoes to complement my reception dress has been challenging, but with my artist nephew's collaboration, we've brought my vision to life over the past three months. However, as the wedding approaches, my in-laws are refusing to invite my nephew, citing a rule against minors attending due to the presence of alcohol. Despite this reasoning, my nephew is nearly 18, and he was the only young family member involved in the wedding preparations.

The real issue appears to be their discomfort with his LGBTQ+ identity and viral TikTok presence. My fiance's conservative and religious family is adamant about this “rule.” I feel frustrated because my nephew deserves to be there after his significant contribution, but my in-laws are threatening to withdraw financial support for the wedding, which is crucial for us as there are still a lot of unpaid arrangements. Any advice would be helpful. -- Bride in Distress

DEAR BRIDE IN DISTRESS: What an awkward situation to be in. If you absolutely need your in-laws’ financial support, you may have to accept their rules. If so, talk to your nephew and explain the situation, but also agree with each other that he will be in your life. In the future, be prepared to butt heads with the in-laws over values, and be willing to fight for what you believe -- even if it costs you money.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)