Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm feeling really hurt and confused about a situation with a close friend of mine. We were close before we both moved to new cities. Since then, I've noticed that my friend never returns my calls or texts anymore. I've tried reaching out multiple times, leaving voicemails, sending texts and writing emails, but I rarely get a response. When I do hear back, it's often brief and doesn't lead to any meaningful conversation. This has left me feeling abandoned and wondering if I've done something wrong.

I understand that moving to a new city can be overwhelming and that people get busy with their new lives, but I can't help but feel like I'm being shut out. Our friendship was very important to me, and I'm struggling with the lack of communication and the emotional distance that seems to have grown between us. Should I keep trying to reach out, or is it better to give my friend space and hope she comes around? -- Alienated

DEAR ALIENATED: Stop chasing your friend. Of course it hurts that she seems to have abandoned you, but your efforts are not yielding the desired results, so it is time to stop. Focus on building your life where you are. Look around and notice people and activities that interest you, and work to plant seeds where you are. Over time, you and your friend may rekindle your bond, but now is the time to pay attention to yourself. Some relationships last a lifetime; others last for a season. Only time will tell how long this one will last.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently broke up with my boyfriend of three years because he cheated on me, and now I find myself single at 30. I couldn't feel worse about the situation. I always imagined that by this age, I would at least be married or well on my way to building a family. This breakup has left me feeling devastated, lost and uncertain about my future. The societal pressure and my own expectations have made this period even more challenging. I'm constantly worried about my ticking biological clock and the fear that I may not find someone else in time to have the family I always dreamed of. I'm also grappling with feelings of failure and disappointment in myself for not being where I thought I would be in life. I'm trying to stay positive and focus on the opportunities this new chapter might bring, but it's hard to see past the immediate pain and anxiety. How can I cope with these feelings of sadness and disappointment? -- What’s Next

DEAR WHAT’S NEXT: Pivoting from a failed relationship is difficult -- especially when your vision of your life has been shattered. Do your best not to fret, though. You are still young, and there’s a whole world out there. Remind yourself of what you want in a relationship. Who is your ideal partner? What life do you want for yourself? As you go about your daily life, pay attention to others and notice people who share your worldview. It is not too late to find a partner. Have faith that your match is out there. Live your life doing what you love, and keep your eyes open. If you need a bridge of support, seek therapy to help you work through the pain of your past relationship and set you up for what’s next.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I moved to Chicago this summer, and while I'm enjoying the new environment and opportunities, I'm facing a bit of a dilemma. I've managed to make some friends so far, but I haven't formed any super-close connections yet. It's been great getting to know new people, but these relationships are still in the early stages.

My birthday is coming up soon, and I'm starting to worry that I might have to spend the day alone. The combination of being new to the city and not having close friends yet is making me anxious about how to celebrate. I don't want to feel lonely on my special day, but I'm unsure how to approach this situation. Should I try to organize something with the acquaintances I've made, even though our relationships are still developing? Or would it be better to focus on treating myself to a solo celebration and make the best of it? I'm also concerned about appearing too forward or desperate if I invite people I don't know very well yet. -- Birthday Blues

DEAR BIRTHDAY BLUES: Your new friends don’t have to be besties to celebrate with you. Choose a bar or restaurant where folks can gather casually to ring in your new year with you. Invite the people you are getting to know, and tell them it’s your birthday and you’d like them to celebrate with you. They know you are new to town.

If they can’t make it, that’s when you go for the solo plan. You can treat yourself to a massage, a movie, an outdoor concert -- something fun!

DEAR HARRIETTE: During a family gathering, my mother-in-law made some hurtful comments about my daughter's appearance, effectively body-shaming her. These comments were unkind and insensitive, and they hurt my daughter, causing her to cry. As a parent, it was difficult to witness my child's pain and to see her self-esteem take such a hit from someone who is supposed to be family. My daughter is now more self-conscious and upset, and I'm worried about the long-term impact these comments might have on her self-image and confidence.

I'm struggling with how to address this issue with my mother-in-law. I want to protect my daughter and ensure she feels safe and loved, but I also don't want to create unnecessary family conflict. How can I find a way to communicate to my mother-in-law that her comments were hurtful and unacceptable without causing a major rift in the family? -- Crossing the Line

DEAR CROSSING THE LINE: Visit your mother-in-law privately, and tell her you need to talk. Remind her of what she said to your daughter, and tell her unequivocally that she hurt your daughter’s feelings and you do not appreciate it. Now is not the time to mince words. Describe to her the impact that her words had on your daughter’s self-esteem. Tell her that as her grandmother, you expect her to uplift your daughter, not to tear her down. If your mother-in-law's feelings are hurt, so be it. She needs to know that it is not OK to belittle your daughter.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a 20-year-old who has been in a relationship for two years. My boyfriend has always been supportive and follows my lead in many aspects of our lives together, from the food we order to the places we visit. He even chose to attend the same college as me because he does not know what he wants yet. Initially, I appreciated his consideration for my preferences, but things clicked into place when I met his family. In his household, his mother is the breadwinner, and his father defers to her for all major decisions. She controls the finances, and everyone seeks her permission for everything. The possibility of that being my future makes me feel exhausted already.

My boyfriend did mention once that the reason he and his ex-girlfriend broke up was because she is the type to be submissive and didn’t have an opinion on anything. I didn’t think much of that. I wonder if this is a valid reason to consider breaking up, or if I'm unfairly judging him based on his family's dynamics. Could he eventually become like his father, or am I overthinking things? -- Making Assumptions

DEAR MAKING ASSUMPTIONS: It sounds like your boyfriend is like his father already. Further, he has told you that when he was in a relationship with someone who did not take charge, he was lost. The question is whether you can accept being in a relationship with someone who needs you to be in charge. That isn’t the worst thing in the world, but it is real. You may be able to teach him how to take charge of certain things. Partners are “trainable,” so to speak, in the sense of learning how to adapt to their partner and be in sync with them, but your boyfriend has shown you who he is. Believe it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My spouse and I were profoundly disturbed by the letter from "Overstaying Daughter's Friend" and your response to it. Both of us experienced severe abuse as children, including neglect and molestation. Consequently, we immediately recognized signs that this teenage girl might be seeking safety and refuge with this family.

Your advice to contact the girl's parents, without first ensuring the girl's safety, could potentially expose her to further abuse. We strongly urge you to reconsider and address this matter with greater sensitivity and awareness of potential child abuse. It is imperative to provide guidance that prioritizes the girl's well-being and ensures she is not placed in harm's way. Please follow up and take steps to ensure her safety, as we truly believe she could be in danger. -- Disturbed

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)