Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family came to visit me this summer for the first time in many years. We had such a good time together, but I fear it won’t happen again because it was expensive for everyone to come to my summer community -- it was a large group, so they had to rent a house. I treasure spending time with my family and want to figure out how to make it easier to get together more frequently. My sister can afford to rent the house, but it’s a lot to ask for her to do it. Do you have any ideas on getting folks together? -- Family Reunion

DEAR FAMILY REUNION: Why not start by talking to your sister? Thank her for coming with her family to spend time with you. Point out highlights of your visit that made you all happy. Ask her if she thinks they can come again or if you should all consider alternate places to gather to be together. Invite her to participate in the decision-making. It could be that the cost is of no consequence to her. On the other hand, she might have ideas on other activities you can engage in that may vary the experience and have less of a financial impact. Talk it out.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a big presentation at work next week that I am nervous about. Public speaking isn’t my strong suit because I trip over my words. I often find myself getting sweaty palms, my heart races and I struggle to maintain eye contact with the audience. It's gotten to the point where I dread any situation that requires me to speak in front of a group.

This presentation is particularly important as it could impact my career growth, and I really want to make a good impression. I've tried practicing in front of a mirror and even in front of my family, but the anxiety doesn't seem to go away. I'm worried that my nervousness will show and that I'll forget everything I've prepared. Do you have any tips or strategies that could help me overcome this fear and deliver a successful presentation? -- Stage Fright

DEAR STAGE FRIGHT: Consider changing your attitude about this presentation. It’s not about you; it’s about the work. You have been invited to make a presentation that will benefit your company in particular ways. Align your thinking with your purpose -- to be successful at coming up with and sharing a plan that will serve a client or your team. To do well, you have to SERVE the moment. Looking through the window of service can dissipate the anxiety and help you refocus on the task at hand. Yes, you should continue to practice in front of the mirror so you can own the talking points, but in the end, your job is to get the points across clearly and enthusiastically so that others will understand and appreciate their value. Breathe. Always know that you are talking to people who are just like you. Remember: You are offering a service.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My younger sister and I are planning on taking a vacation together, and she expects me to pay for her portion of the trip. She is 22 years old, and I am 30. While I want to spend quality time with her and make this trip memorable, I feel it's unfair for me to bear the entire financial burden. My sister is currently working part-time and still in college, while I have a stable job and a steady income. However, I believe she should contribute to the expenses in some way, even if it's a smaller portion.

I'm struggling with how to approach this topic without causing tension or making her feel bad. I value our relationship and don't want this to become a source of conflict. At the same time, I want to make sure that we both take responsibility for the costs involved. How can I have this conversation with her in a way that is both considerate and assertive? -- Share The Cost

DEAR SHARE THE COST: You two need to have a simple conversation. Tell your sister that you are excited that she is going on vacation with you and that you are willing to pay for most of the trip, but you expect her to pay for some of it. Ask her how much she feels she can contribute. Whatever that amount is, invite her either to give it to you upfront or -- even better -- to use it to pay for taxis, a few meals or other smaller expenses. Tell her you think it's important for her to participate in the cost of the trip even as you know she can't afford to fully pay her own way.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My nephew was recently born, and he is the most precious child. I was so happy for my sister because this is her first child as well as the first grandchild born in our family. She kept his gender and name a secret from the family until he was born. She named her baby "Raymond," the name I have been saying I would give to my son if I ever had one.

I am 32 years old and single, but I still want to have children one day. I feel hurt and betrayed that she used the name I had always dreamed of for my future child without discussing it with me. I don't want to make a big deal out of it and overshadow her joy, but I'm struggling to deal with these feelings. I also don't want this to create any tension between us or within the family. Should I talk to my sister about how I feel, or should I just let it go and focus on celebrating my new nephew? -- What's In a Name

DEAR WHAT'S IN A NAME: I reserved my grandmother's name for my future daughter when I was a child. My sister had children before me and had a vision of our grandmother as her daughter was being born. She added her name to her planned name, thereby giving her a hyphenated name. That softened what might have been a blow. (I had my only daughter 10 years later and still gave her the name.)

Tell your sister that you are disappointed with her decision, given that she knew your plan. Should you have a son, you can give him the name anyway, perhaps with a hyphenation. Your sister can't control that.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend forgot my birthday this month, and I have felt so sad ever since. This year, I went all-out for her birthday and threw her a huge party, making sure every detail was perfect to show how much I care. It hurts that she couldn’t even remember when my birthday is, especially since we have been friends for six years and both live in Washington, D.C. We have shared so many important moments together, and I thought our friendship was strong and meaningful to both of us. Her forgetting my birthday has made me question how much she values our friendship.

I don’t want to seem petty or make her feel guilty, but this has really affected me. I feel neglected and unappreciated, and it's hard to shake off these feelings of disappointment. I value our friendship and don’t want this incident to create a rift between us, but I also want her to understand how much her forgetting my birthday hurt me. What’s the best way to communicate my feelings and ensure that our friendship remains strong? -- Hurt Feelings

DEAR HURT FEELINGS: Sadly, you cannot assume that your best friend realizes she forgot your birthday. It is understandable that this hurts your feelings. The only way she will be clear on how you feel is if you tell her. Do your best to be calm when you two speak. Inform her of how slighted you felt that she let your birthday pass without a word, let alone a celebration. Tell her that while you did not expect her to go all out as you did for her, you never imagined she would simply forget.

You have to decide what a strong friendship looks like and if she can deliver her side to it. If forgetting your birthday was an anomaly, you can give her a pass. If she has forgotten your birthday and other special moments before, you need to either accept that this is how she is or take her off the “best friend” list.

DEAR HARRIETTE: How can I encourage my frugal boyfriend to spend on himself? My boyfriend and I both grew up struggling financially. While his family isn't wealthy now, they're getting by. I've stayed with his family a few times. The issue is, my boyfriend hates going to the mall and buying things for himself. When he needs new clothes and is with me, we always go thrift shopping. To be honest, the price difference between thrift store items and new ones isn't that significant. I think he's just afraid of the idea of spending money on new items, assuming that mall prices are too high.

Every time I want to see him in new clothes, like for a special occasion or our anniversary date, I end up buying them for him. He never asks for them; I do it because I know he'll wear them for the occasion if he has them. I enjoy giving gifts, but sometimes I wonder why I'm scraping together my last bit of money when he actually has more than I do. Any thoughts? -- Gift-Giving Dilemma

DEAR GIFT-GIVING DILEMMA: Stop buying your boyfriend’s clothes for him. Let him buy what he wants and offer guidance when needed to be sure it is appropriate for the event at hand. He is a grown man and can buy whatever he chooses. Give him space to decide how he wants to spend his hard-earned resources. Clothing clearly is not high on his list.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)