Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m really stuck right now and could use some advice. I’m 29, and I work as a babysitter for a family that pays really well, which is crucial for my daughter’s therapy bills. The problem is that the parents have been treating me poorly -- lots of verbal abuse and unreasonable demands. I’m concerned about my safety if their behavior escalates, but I also can’t afford to lose this job due to my financial needs. I’m trying to figure out how to deal with the family or look for another job, even if it means facing financial uncertainty. What do you think I should do? -- Abusive Employer

DEAR ABUSIVE EMPLOYER: Whenever you feel stuck, take a pause. Be still. Review your situation and your options carefully, and look for a solution. When we worry about things, it can be impossible to find a way out. In your case, the good news is that there are many families that need babysitters and many that are willing to pay well. There is no reason you should stay in an abusive relationship of any kind, including one at your job. Still, you must be strategic. Do your best to find a new job before you walk away from this one. Look online. Go to schools and post your information on their bulletin boards or do so online if they are set up with that option.

While you are still working for this family, find ways to speak up for yourself. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, push back and explain that it will not be possible. When they verbally abuse you, step out of the room. Walk away. If they ask where you are going, say that it is hard for you to do your job when they are yelling at you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I inherited a vintage pocket watch from my grandpa before he died. It’s not just any watch; it’s got a lot of sentimental value.

One of my best buds visited me recently; he is a watch collector, and he offered me a pretty hefty sum for it. I like holding onto it as a family keepsake, but at the same time, I am considering cashing in on the offer. I’m worried that it might feel like giving up a piece of my grandpa’s legacy, though I could use the financial help. How should I think about this decision? How do I balance the emotional value with the money? -- Family Heirloom

DEAR FAMILY HEIRLOOM: It sounds like you were not looking to sell the watch until your friend dangled a lot of money in front of you. First, I want to say that this person was not being such a good friend at that moment. Instead, he saw an opportunity and pushed to capitalize on it.

I highly recommend that you do all you can to keep your grandpa’s watch for as long as you can. Treasure it as the heirloom it is. Treat it with respect, and be of the mind that you would like to pass it down from generation to generation. Sell only if you think you cannot survive without the dollars it would bring.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating my partner, “Harper,” for over a year, and we have a strong and supportive relationship. On her birthday, Harper expressed her desire to take a yearlong sabbatical to travel and pursue personal interests, which has been a long-held dream of hers. While I fully support Harper’s decision, I’m concerned about how this extended separation might affect our relationship. We’ve always been close, and the idea of being apart for a whole year is challenging for me. Additionally, my job responsibilities might prevent me from visiting her frequently during this time. How can I best support her plans when my own concerns are overshadowing my thoughts? Can we still maintain our connection and keep our relationship healthy during this period? -- Maintaining Connection Through Distance

DEAR MAINTAINING CONNECTION THROUGH DISTANCE: A year is a long time and also a blink of an eye. It will likely feel like that for you as time passes. Yes, it will probably be tougher for you because you will be at home living your regular life while your girlfriend is on a huge adventure. You cannot control what happens during this period, but the two of you can talk about what you hope for the future as well as what may happen during the next 12 months. Put everything on the table, including how frequently you hope to communicate and whether you will date other people. Talk through it all so that you have a sense of where you both stand. It will also be good for you to take on a new hobby, pick up a big project at work or otherwise occupy your time with something that you can focus on rather than obsessing about her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m really stressed and need some advice. I’m a 21-year-old business major working part-time as a cashier. I’ve been struggling to balance work, classes and studying, and recently I made a huge mistake: I cheated on an important exam. My professor found out, and now I’m being dropped from the class. I’m really anxious about telling my parents. They’ve always been super supportive and have high hopes for me, so I feel terrible about this. I need to explain what happened and hopefully get their support. What’s the best way to talk to them about this without just making excuses but being honest about the stress I’ve been under? -- Facing the Consequences

DEAR FACING THE CONSEQUENCES: Go to see your parents. Tell them that you have been struggling, and you want to tell them what’s going on. Explain everything that has been happening -- including cheating on the test and the aftermath. I assume you have to retake the class, which will cost more money. Talk to your parents about what it will take for you to get back on track and what support you hope to get from them. Be clear in expressing your remorse for putting yourself in a situation like this. Promise not to cheat again, and seek out the academic support you need in order to continue on your journey.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex-boyfriend is graduating, and I wonder if I should go to the ceremony to congratulate him. “Rem” and I were in a relationship from high school until the end of freshman year in college. We made a pact to attend each other’s college graduations wearing our favorite color, blue, with me in a dress and him in a tie.

Rem and I went to different colleges, and we drifted apart due to the distance. Eventually, we had a bad breakup. He tried to pursue me for six months, constantly messaging to get back together, and I ended up having to block him on social media. We have had no contact since.

Unlike Rem, whose family supports him financially, I had to stop attending college to fend for myself. I know he is graduating because we have a mutual friend on Facebook, and I also know he has a new girlfriend. I am in a healthy relationship right now, and I am planning to re-enroll in school next year. I’m wondering if I should go to his graduation ceremony and keep the promise we made or ignore it. I don’t want to appear as an obsessive ex or make his new girlfriend uncomfortable. On the other hand, he was a big part of my younger years, and I would like to congratulate him on his success. -- No Bad Intentions

DEAR NO BAD INTENTIONS: If you have a way of reaching out to your ex, contact him. Congratulate him on his upcoming graduation and ask him how he’s doing. Allow him to introduce whether he wants you to attend or do anything you had agreed on many years ago. Reaching out may be all he needs to feel honored on his special day. Do not show up unannounced, though. That could cause unnecessary conflict.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work at a local pastry shop as one of the cashiers, and I have discovered that someone is stealing. The missing money is being recorded as “pastries not sold.” Although this hasn’t affected the wages of other workers, it has created additional work for our manager, I’m unsure whether to report the theft or turn a blind eye. The person I witnessed stealing is one of our new crew, a single mother with four young children. I feel a lot of pity for her situation. Despite this, I can’t decide between doing what is right and addressing the theft or choosing not to report it due to my sympathy for her. I would appreciate your perspective on whether I should report this issue or handle it differently. -- Ethical Choice

DEAR ETHICAL CHOICE: Speak to the new employee privately. Tell her that you observed her stealing and wanted to let her know. Tell her you are obligated to report it if she does it again. Ask her if she is OK, if she needs support and how you might be able to support her. In this way, she will know that you care, but also that theft is not tolerated. If she does it again, you need to report it.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)