Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: The past year has been full of change for me ... way too much change. Early last year, I lost my job. It was a job I had nurtured for the past 25 years, a place I’d been attached to since I graduated college, a job that saw me get married and have two children. That was a hard loss.

Not long after, my youngest child graduated from high school and went away to college. Both of my boys are away now, and my husband has a demanding schedule. Career loss and empty nesting have been weighing heavily on me, and it’s even impacting my friendships. I miss my friends, but I don’t know how to show up or be positive anymore. I want to feel better. I want to change my circumstances, but I don’t know where to start. What should I do? -- Pivot Point

DEAR PIVOT POINT: Many people suffer an emotional crisis when they become empty nesters. It is natural, though it can be uncomfortable. Couple that with your job loss, and it’s no wonder that you are feeling unsure of your next steps.

You need to find constructive ways to fill your time. What are your interests? Do you have hobbies? Look in your community for organizations and causes that appeal to you, and reach out to them to volunteer. Get involved in an activity that will occupy your time and your mind for several hours each day. You may discover a whole new career path by putting yourself out there.

Also consider therapy. A lot has changed in your world this year. Talk with a therapist about your feelings, hopes and desires, and work toward creating an action plan for this next chapter in your life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Lately, I’ve been finding myself feeling boxed in as I’m trying to get to know myself better and figure out what I like and who I want to be. I keep getting reminders from old friends of who I was. It feels like I’m not allowed to change. I can’t be in new settings without hearing someone tell my story for me or tell people what I like. I’m still figuring out what I like! My longtime friends seem to think they know me better than I know myself. I’m not totally sure why it makes me so angry, but it does. I guess I just don’t like being subjected to such narrow or outdated narratives. Do I set them straight, or is this a sign that I need to move on? -- Reassessing

DEAR REASSESSING: Allow yourself space to figure out your next steps, and forgive your friends, as they are simply reflecting back to you what you have shown them about yourself. Don’t be mad at them; just focus on this next phase of your life.

Ask yourself what you want. Meditate on this moment, and pay attention so that you notice signs of how to move forward. Test out options that come to mind, including activities to do and interests to explore.

You can also tell your friends that you appreciate them and that you need their patience. You are in transition mode and are determining how you want to spend your time moving forward.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am in a relationship with a man who is a single parent of two children. It seems as though his ex left their family not too long after their second child was born -- perhaps postpartum. My partner and I have a great relationship, and I love his girls. They are sweet and funny, and I’m always happy to help and support them. Recently, he expressed to me that he doesn’t want his daughters looking to anyone as a mother figure other than their biological mom. Their mom is in the area, but she has remained distant. When I help him with his children, he welcomes it, so how should I interpret his stance, especially when we are looking forward to building a future together? -- Unclear Role

DEAR UNCLEAR ROLE: Your partner’s desire for his children’s mother to be more present in their lives may or may not manifest. When you talk, remind him that he has no control over her and that he is doing a great job of parenting his children. You are happy to be supportive; you love the girls and him. Note that it is natural for children to grow close to the people who spend time with them.

Talk to him about his hopes for the future with you. If you two continue to build a life together, his children will likely grow closer to you -- and perhaps even think of you in a filial way. He cannot control that. That bonding happens naturally. What you can do is assure him that you will not intentionally push their mother out of the picture. Her level of presence and bonding will be up to her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father is and always has been emotionally abusive. For most of my childhood and teenage life, I opted not to speak to him. Later in my life, he got married and had two more children and seemed to be doing really well with them. In an effort to forge a relationship with my young siblings, I embarked on a journey of giving my father a chance. Things were going well for a few years, but as of late, I worry that all the progress he made as a person and parent has gone out the window. My siblings seem either afraid of him or fully disconnected. It seems like the relationship between my father and his wife has become toxic, and it’s impacting my siblings. They’re both under 10, and I don’t want them to know the same father I knew. What are my options? -- Bad Dad

DEAR BAD DAD: Sadly, you have little power in this situation. It is tragic that your father has not done the work to heal himself from whatever causes him to be unkind to his family. If you have the space and time, you can invite them to spend time with you in your home, letting them know that you are always a safe place to land. If you have the resources, you can even try to adopt them. That process is legal and will likely be messy, but if you feel that their physical or emotional well-being is at stake, it could be worth it for you to attempt to rescue them.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been in touch with someone I have been meeting online for the past two years. We both have the same physical condition, but he's more outgoing and has a full social life, whereas I am the opposite. I have started attending events at the organization where he works to get support for my needs, but we have never introduced ourselves in person. I have anxiety and codependency issues, which I told him in a direct message when he said to let him know when I wanted to meet with him.

I got too nervous to introduce myself the other day at the office, and I don't go again until next week, though there may be events coming up in the next few days that he may attend. I don't want to pester him or drive him away, but I don't know how to initiate anything. I have never formed a relationship on my own in my life; I’ve made friends in school and through family, never organically. This person is there for everyone else, but will he be there for me? I'm afraid of dying alone and having to plan for a public funeral because I'm better with cats than people. I have been late at things all my life. How do I approach him without being needy or resorting to drink? -- Lone Wolf

DEAR LONE WOLF: Take a deep breath and calm down. Don’t place all of your emotions at this man’s feet -- that would be off-putting. Instead, start by telling yourself that you would like to meet him in person as your first step. Invite him to meet you. Agree on something simple, like grabbing tea or ice cream: something noncommittal that allows you to sit and talk for a few minutes. Don’t go in with an agenda or worried thoughts about your end of life. Just be present. Talk about things you have discussed over the time you have been communicating online. Don’t allow yourself to draw conclusions. Decide that you will enjoy the moment. Then see what happens.

DEAR HARRIETTE: When I left my childhood home, I knew only how to make my mother's meatloaf, open a can of baked beans and bake a potato. This was even the dinner I served on dates. I branched out on my limited budget by trying different meatloaf recipes, then chicken. My love of foreign food has made me try new recipes as I grew more confident, and today I am known among my circle of friends as a great cook -- though I still read recipes to get new ideas.

It is surprising how many good recipes are simple. I try to keep it manageable -- if I have a more complicated recipe, I will pair it with something simple that can be made ahead. Most people are delighted to be invited to dinner and aren't aware when something isn't perfect. So your advice to “Cooking Anxiety” to start small was on point. -- Good Cook Today

DEAR GOOD COOK TODAY: One small step at a time and a willingness to learn: the magic ingredients!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)