Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: A woman at my job has been giving me hell. She works nonstop. She’s often sending emails at 9 p.m. or 4 a.m. -- and she actually expects a response! Recently she chewed out one of my colleagues because she requested something at 6 a.m. and didn’t hear back until 8 a.m., which is still outside of our normal business hours. It may come as no surprise but, yes, she is single and a bit older. She has thrown her whole self into work and expects everybody else to do the same. Her team is made up of all kinds of people, from young people who are just starting their careers to single parents with young kids and other people who don’t necessarily put work over everything even though they do a good job. I’m worried that people may start to leave because of how she’s treating them. How can I give feedback to someone who is above me without having to worry about backlash? -- Higher Rank

DEAR HIGHER RANK: If you have a relationship with this person, you could pull her aside and ask her if you can share something sensitive with her. After getting her blessing, tell her that you have noticed that she works odd hours and has become known for expecting staffers to respond immediately, outside of regular office hours. Some team members are getting frustrated, and you worry that it is impacting their attitude and productivity. Let her take it from there.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating someone for the past year, and I think we make a great pair. For a number of reasons, I feel like he’s my person. Over time, we’ve had some conversations about what the next step would be between us, and although he’s told me that he loves me, he’s also expressed that he’s not sure about committing to a monogamous relationship. In our latest conversation, he finally pitched the question I feared, and he asked me to be in an open relationship. He’s invited me to establish boundaries that he would happily abide by and says that I am the only one he would be emotionally attached to. Should I give this a try, or am I bound to get hurt? -- Polygamy Proposal

DEAR POLYGAMY PROPOSAL: Ask yourself what you want out of this union. Do you feel that you can be in an intimate relationship with this man if he is involved with others? How would you feel if you knew he was going to spend time with someone else? He can’t guarantee that he won’t get emotionally attached to another person. What’s more important, though, is how you are able to handle knowing what is or could be happening.

I will give your boyfriend this: Rather than cheating and lying about it, he is being upfront with you about his desires and intentions. You now need to be honest with yourself about whether this is something that you can or want to handle.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over a year now, and we get along great in most areas. However, I’ve noticed that we have different approaches to money. I’m focused on saving, investing and planning for the future, while he prefers to live in the moment and spend freely. He likes to buy random infomercial items off of the internet or spontaneously buy new items like expensive appliances.

I told him that these aren’t smart financial decisions, and he told me to not worry. I worry that our financial differences could lead to conflict down the road, especially when it comes to major life decisions like buying a home, traveling or retirement planning. I love my boyfriend, but I don’t want money to become a constant source of stress. How do I determine if this is something we can work through? -- Conflicting Values

DEAR CONFLICTING VALUES: Talk about your views on money in the context of your desires for the future. Ask your boyfriend how he sees his life in five to 10 years. Does he want to buy a home? What type of work will he do? Does he want to travel? Whatever you care about, ask him his views on it. Then describe to him your dreams and interests and your thoughts on how to manifest them.

Bring up your ideas on saving and investing in the future. Ask him if he is willing to work with you to make a plan that includes putting money away rather than spending it. Perhaps you can agree to create a joint account for savings or investing, to which you each deposit a fixed monthly amount. This can allow him to continue to have some money to spend as he pleases while also contributing to the plans for the future.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I love my friends, but I can’t help feeling like the least impressive one in the group. They’re all beautiful, stylish and successful. They have great jobs and exciting social lives and always seem so confident. When we go out together, I feel like I fade into the background. Guys approach them first. People compliment them more, and I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t measure up. It’s not that I’m unhappy with myself, but being around them sometimes makes me question my own worth. I start picking apart my looks, my career progress and even my personality.

I know they don’t intentionally make me feel this way. They’re supportive and kind, but I still find myself struggling with insecurity whenever we’re together. I hate feeling like I’m in constant comparison mode, and I don’t want my self-doubt to ruin these friendships. How do I stop feeling like the least impressive friend? How can I build my confidence without distancing myself from the people I love? -- Less Than

DEAR LESS THAN: Take a step back and assess your attributes. What is special about you? Be honest. Then look in the mirror and remind yourself of those qualities. You have to love yourself first.

Consider expanding your friend group. You don’t have to dump your current group of friends, but open your eyes and notice other people with similar interests who aren’t part of that clique. See if you can be comfortable around other people without too much self-judgment. If so, continue to spend time with them.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I think one of my friends might be working for a pyramid scheme. I can’t be sure, but he basically plays the role of a financial adviser and “helps” people invest their money. When they turn a profit, he gets a percentage. The more they invest, the more he gets paid. He offered me his services recently -- encouraging me, really pushing me, to take the leap and invest. I felt uneasy about it, so I did some research, and the company has a horrible reputation according to reviews on Google and the Better Business Bureau. I’m upset because it feels like he was hoping to profit off of my ignorance, but he doesn’t seem to get it. How can I explain to him that his company is taking advantage of vulnerable people? -- Dodging Scams

DEAR DODGING SCAMS: Talk to your friend and keep it personal. Tell him that you wanted to be able to support him in his new business, but something felt off about it to you, so you did some research. Show him what you found. Pull up the Better Business Bureau and Google records. Don’t just tell him your concerns. Let him see for himself what the reviews have been. Express your genuine concern that he is trying to get innocent people, friends even -- just like you -- to invest in something that does not seem safe. Tell him you are uninterested, and further, that you feel it is unethical for him to do this considering what you have learned about the company.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am coming up on the one-year anniversary of losing my mom. I’ve never lost someone so close to me before, and I’m really not all that close with the rest of my family. Part of me wants to do something in her honor. The year went by so fast, perhaps because I’m still grieving. I just don’t know what to do, though. She was cremated, so there’s no burial site to visit, and a party seems weird, but I don’t just want to sit at home alone on the day in question. Have you ever put together any anniversary memorials? What can I do that’s small and intimate, celebratory but still respectful? -- Grieving Son

DEAR GRIEVING SON: Do you have friends or other loved ones who knew your mother? Perhaps you can create a small gathering with people who know you well and would appreciate honoring your mother. Host a small dinner where you serve her favorite foods and have a toast in her honor.

What you do doesn’t have to be fancy. It truly is the thought that counts. You may also want to extend the invitation to family members. You may be surprised that some may want to attend. Your mother’s passing could turn into a renewal of closeness in your family. Who knows?

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)