Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m getting out of prison soon, and I'm worried about what comes next. When I left home, things were a bit rocky with my family. Some people have stayed in touch, and others created distance, but I wonder if there is space for reconciliation. I am truly sorry for any difficulty I have caused my family. How can my family and I heal and move forward? -- Coming Home

DEAR COMING HOME: Take things one day at a time. Set yourself up for success by making sure that you have a place to live. If you have a parole officer or other representative of the law with whom you need to connect, get that sorted immediately. Next, be in touch with the family members who have been supportive. Thank them for being there for you, and tell them that you will appreciate it if they continue to have your back. You know it will be challenging to ease back into life outside, and you don’t want to feel alone.

For the other family members, reach out to each one and tell them that you intend to turn your life around. Pledge to show them by your actions that they can be proud of you. Then, do it. Rebuilding trust takes time. You can do it if you put your mind to it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I think a friend of mine may have a food addiction. Over the years, I’ve noticed that she has an unhealthy attachment to food. If we’re at a dinner party, her plate is piled high, or she is stashing away a to-go plate or eating multiple servings throughout an event. I have tried to encourage her to have some self-control -- as have other friends and loved ones -- but it doesn’t work. The other day she continued to complain about needing food before going to a dinner party, and I couldn’t take it. I told her to drink some water and stop asking about food. That did not go over well. She told me that I was rude. I’m worried about her eating habits, but I don’t know how to get through to her. -- Overeater

DEAR OVEREATER: Follow up with your friend. Tell her that you did not intend to hurt her feelings when you talked to her about food, but you need to share some feedback with her. Get her to agree to listen before you proceed. If she is able to hear you, explain that you have noticed that she seems to have an unhealthy relationship with food, and you are worried about her. What you described sounds like she may eat as a security blanket.

A psychologist may be of help to her. Talking to a professional who understands human behavior, especially around food, may provide the support she needs to talk through what’s going on with her and address whatever issues she may have. Know that you can make this recommendation, but she has to believe it’s important and take action herself. If she does not, do your best not to judge her.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: A woman at my job has been giving me hell. She works nonstop. She’s often sending emails at 9 p.m. or 4 a.m. -- and she actually expects a response! Recently she chewed out one of my colleagues because she requested something at 6 a.m. and didn’t hear back until 8 a.m., which is still outside of our normal business hours. It may come as no surprise but, yes, she is single and a bit older. She has thrown her whole self into work and expects everybody else to do the same. Her team is made up of all kinds of people, from young people who are just starting their careers to single parents with young kids and other people who don’t necessarily put work over everything even though they do a good job. I’m worried that people may start to leave because of how she’s treating them. How can I give feedback to someone who is above me without having to worry about backlash? -- Higher Rank

DEAR HIGHER RANK: If you have a relationship with this person, you could pull her aside and ask her if you can share something sensitive with her. After getting her blessing, tell her that you have noticed that she works odd hours and has become known for expecting staffers to respond immediately, outside of regular office hours. Some team members are getting frustrated, and you worry that it is impacting their attitude and productivity. Let her take it from there.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating someone for the past year, and I think we make a great pair. For a number of reasons, I feel like he’s my person. Over time, we’ve had some conversations about what the next step would be between us, and although he’s told me that he loves me, he’s also expressed that he’s not sure about committing to a monogamous relationship. In our latest conversation, he finally pitched the question I feared, and he asked me to be in an open relationship. He’s invited me to establish boundaries that he would happily abide by and says that I am the only one he would be emotionally attached to. Should I give this a try, or am I bound to get hurt? -- Polygamy Proposal

DEAR POLYGAMY PROPOSAL: Ask yourself what you want out of this union. Do you feel that you can be in an intimate relationship with this man if he is involved with others? How would you feel if you knew he was going to spend time with someone else? He can’t guarantee that he won’t get emotionally attached to another person. What’s more important, though, is how you are able to handle knowing what is or could be happening.

I will give your boyfriend this: Rather than cheating and lying about it, he is being upfront with you about his desires and intentions. You now need to be honest with yourself about whether this is something that you can or want to handle.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over a year now, and we get along great in most areas. However, I’ve noticed that we have different approaches to money. I’m focused on saving, investing and planning for the future, while he prefers to live in the moment and spend freely. He likes to buy random infomercial items off of the internet or spontaneously buy new items like expensive appliances.

I told him that these aren’t smart financial decisions, and he told me to not worry. I worry that our financial differences could lead to conflict down the road, especially when it comes to major life decisions like buying a home, traveling or retirement planning. I love my boyfriend, but I don’t want money to become a constant source of stress. How do I determine if this is something we can work through? -- Conflicting Values

DEAR CONFLICTING VALUES: Talk about your views on money in the context of your desires for the future. Ask your boyfriend how he sees his life in five to 10 years. Does he want to buy a home? What type of work will he do? Does he want to travel? Whatever you care about, ask him his views on it. Then describe to him your dreams and interests and your thoughts on how to manifest them.

Bring up your ideas on saving and investing in the future. Ask him if he is willing to work with you to make a plan that includes putting money away rather than spending it. Perhaps you can agree to create a joint account for savings or investing, to which you each deposit a fixed monthly amount. This can allow him to continue to have some money to spend as he pleases while also contributing to the plans for the future.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I love my friends, but I can’t help feeling like the least impressive one in the group. They’re all beautiful, stylish and successful. They have great jobs and exciting social lives and always seem so confident. When we go out together, I feel like I fade into the background. Guys approach them first. People compliment them more, and I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t measure up. It’s not that I’m unhappy with myself, but being around them sometimes makes me question my own worth. I start picking apart my looks, my career progress and even my personality.

I know they don’t intentionally make me feel this way. They’re supportive and kind, but I still find myself struggling with insecurity whenever we’re together. I hate feeling like I’m in constant comparison mode, and I don’t want my self-doubt to ruin these friendships. How do I stop feeling like the least impressive friend? How can I build my confidence without distancing myself from the people I love? -- Less Than

DEAR LESS THAN: Take a step back and assess your attributes. What is special about you? Be honest. Then look in the mirror and remind yourself of those qualities. You have to love yourself first.

Consider expanding your friend group. You don’t have to dump your current group of friends, but open your eyes and notice other people with similar interests who aren’t part of that clique. See if you can be comfortable around other people without too much self-judgment. If so, continue to spend time with them.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)