Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been reading your column for several years, and I’ve noticed how you are a big advocate for communication. Yay! I agree that communication is key.

Sometimes you provide words or sentences your readers can use. However, in some of the cases people ask you about, it seems like they are talking to a wall, and the other person involved just doesn’t get it. Could you give me and your other readers advice on when and how to communicate, as well as what to do if the person isn’t listening, misunderstands your words or reacts badly? Thank you. -- Woman Communicator

DEAR WOMAN COMMUNICATOR: The best way to determine if someone is going to make the effort to listen to you is for you to listen to them first. Pay attention to the person in question. What state of mind is he or she in? Do you think the person has the capacity to hear you at that moment? Is the person distracted? Inebriated? Agitated? Sleepy? Any of these states can make it impossible for that person to pay attention to you.

Before speaking, you can ask, “Do you have a moment now? I would like to talk to you about something.” You can ask for the TV or video game to be turned off, for the phone to be silenced, for the person to look at you. When you address someone, speak in a respectful, non-accusatory tone. If you are upset and cannot be neutral, delay the conversation or say that you are upset and you are sorry if your words come out wrong. Choose your words carefully. Speak in short, descriptive sentences that make it easy for the person to understand what you are saying. Check in along the way to learn if what you are saying makes sense to the listener.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am getting married soon and drafting my guest list, and I am having a hard time making certain decisions. My dad and I have had a bit of a strained relationship since he realized my sexuality was not a “phase.” He’s attempted to accept it, and I know he still loves me, but he has a hard time concealing his discomfort. As time passed, I’ve stopped inviting him around my partner because we couldn’t be ourselves fully.

My dad and I stay in touch, but he rarely asks about my fiancee, and he doesn’t ask about that part of my life. I love my dad and would love to have him join us at the ceremony, but I don’t want to feel concerned with his opinions or perspective on my big day. Is it enough that he still loves me and tries? Or is the fact that he doesn’t try hard enough more important? -- Wedding List

DEAR WEDDING LIST: Talk to your father about your concerns. Remind him that your wedding is coming soon, and ask him directly if he wants to participate. Acknowledge that you know how difficult it has been for him to accept your sexuality and your partner. Tell him you appreciate the effort he has made thus far and that while you would like for him to be a part of your wedding, you do not want him to feel uncomfortable -- and you don’t want his attitude to put a damper on your joy. Ask him if he thinks he can be there and remain respectful or if it is better for him to sit it out.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I think I’m still in love with my ex. Is it possible it just wasn’t the right time for us?

My ex and I ran into each other for the first time in a long time at a party back in December, and it’s as if we picked up where we left off. There was some subtle avoidance at first, but he checked on me throughout the night and insisted that he drive me home afterward. I always appreciated how he would take care of me.

Since it was only one night, I decided not to make it more than it was. I didn’t want to kick off some on-again, off-again pattern. Then last week he reached out and invited me to see his music group perform -- something I used to do when we were in a relationship. All these reminders of the past are stirring up feelings I had for him, and it makes me wonder if I’m still in love with him. If so, should I act on it? -- Right Timing

DEAR RIGHT TIMING: Take a pause and assess the situation as objectively as you can. Write down what worked about your relationship in the past -- and what didn’t. What made you happy about being with him? What prompted you to end the relationship?

If your assessment suggests that there could be something real that’s worth exploring, go forward. Be sure to talk it through so that you both go in with open eyes.

DEAR HARRIETTE: It seems like, aside from inflation, the world is almost back to pre-pandemic order. Some of the changes that came with COVID-19, like wearing masks and working from home, seem to be less important to some people. For the past two years, my job has been hybrid, working four days in the office and one day at home. Overall, company performance has been stellar.

Despite that, the higher-ups are saying that they want us to work in-office five days a week, which I think is inconsiderate to the employees. We get one day at home to get a break from commuting, get an extra hour of sleep, run an errand on our lunch breaks -- and still work! Why do they have to take that away if the company is still doing well? I know the job market is tough, but do you think this is a valid reason to leave my job? I want to be somewhere that recognizes that there is more to life than just work, but I’m not sure if that truly exists anywhere. -- In-Person Employee

DEAR IN-PERSON EMPLOYEE: I’m sorry to report that many companies have been trying to figure out how to get their staff back to the office full-time. Once the United States government required every federal employee to rejoin the office workforce full-time, many other companies fell in line.

Should this new rule send you looking for a new job? I don’t think so. Instead, open a dialogue with your supervisor to see if there is any wiggle room for a four-day week -- if not every week, maybe sometimes. You can keep your eyes open for remote job opportunities, but it is wise to accept that the way the people work is ever-changing, and you will need to be willing to be adaptable.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My neighbors are from another country, and honestly I think they have the worst body odor ever. Their house isn’t dirty; I think it must just be what they eat. All I know is that the smell seeps into the hallway and makes me gag. There’s nothing I can say about it, but is there anything I can do? We live in an apartment building, so we are physically close to each other. I feel sick every time I walk past their door. -- Bad Body Odor

DEAR BAD BODY ODOR: What people eat can impact how they smell. Think about how your breath smells after you eat onions. Then amplify that based on a steady diet of some kind of pungent food. You are right that you cannot ask them to do something to make a difference.

You can use incense, candles or room fragrance in your own apartment to cover it with a scent that you prefer. If there is a table or surface in the hallway of your building where you can put scented reeds, try that. There’s no risk of fire, but it will alter the scent of the space.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Recently, one of your readers, “Health-Conscious,” asked how to inspire diabetes-prone family members to begin better health practices. According to medical statistics, however, diabetics are the second-LEAST compliant patients a doctor sees. That means that even when diagnosed, diabetics are among the least likely patients to follow medical advice and protocols or use medication. (The No. 1 least-compliant patients are those with COPD.)

I know of at least one patient who ignored his symptoms until one leg was necrotic and had to be amputated above the knee. Due to continued noncompliance and complications, he spent 13 months in the hospital, required 3 more surgeries, contracted pneumonia and has accumulated approximately $2.5 million in hospital bills. He has major organ involvement and is disabled for the remainder of his life.

This man keeps ignoring consequences, and his partner suspects that when he's able to make trips on his scooter around the neighborhood, he stops at coffee shops and eats sweets "on the sly."

While the letter-writer is well-meaning and probably afraid for their relatives, there's little that can be done other than point out the risks and be a good role model. I also come from a high-risk family and have maintained a healthy lifestyle for 75 years without incident.

I wish everyone in this situation the best, but realize that trying to change a diabetic is basically impossible; they need to do it themselves, and all one can do is offer support if they do. -- Reality Check

DEAR REALITY CHECK: Thank you for this sobering reminder to families and those who are living with diabetes. As I researched further on how caregivers can protect themselves and their loved ones, I noticed the insights are slim. Here are a few pointers that suggest you stay practical as you love them and tend to yourself: medtronicdiabetes.com/family-and-children/tips-for-caregivers.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)