Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: A close friend of mine likes to play the role of cupid. Her interest in other people’s love lives might be well-meaning, but for me it feels invasive. I’m generally a bit reserved about my love life, but my friends know about a certain someone I am interested in. There has been some subtle flirting, and so far, I like the slow burn. The last time we were all together, my friend took it upon herself to tell my crush that I’m shy and I just need a push in the right direction. I was peeved and uncomfortable for the rest of that night, while she was quite proud of herself. I thought it was immature, and that’s not how I want to be perceived by anyone, let alone someone I might get involved with. Since then, he has asked if just the two of us could do something, and I told him I’d let him know. I still like him, but I feel so embarrassed and self-conscious now. Am I overreacting? -- Unsolicited Help

DEAR UNSOLICITED HELP: Look past your pushy friend for a moment at the opportunity before you. The guy you like has asked you out. Go for it. He may be like you, a bit shy and needing a push to make a move. While your friend should mind her own business, she may have done you a favor by generating a reaction. Don’t allow your anger at her to cloud your vision.

You can simply go with the flow to see how the date unfolds, or you can directly address the elephant in the room: Tell him that your friend made you embarrassed, but you are glad the two of you are sharing a moment together.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Two years ago, I was in an abusive relationship -- definitely emotionally, and eventually physically abusive. The person I was with had abandonment issues, and I stayed because I wanted to show him that not everyone leaves. After staying through the abuse, I realized that I wasn’t what would heal him or change him. When I finally ended it, I severed all ties. I thought I had covered all my bases, and nearly two years of zero contact fooled me into thinking it was all behind me. Then I got a long email from him asking if I might allow him the opportunity to apologize. He explained that he is now in therapy dealing with all the things that made him so angry to begin with and recognizes that I didn’t deserve any of what he put me through. I feel so proud of the two years of no contact that I gave myself, but part of me feels owed an apology. Will his apology help me move on? Am I taking steps backward? -- Cutting Ties

DEAR CUTTING TIES: From personal experience, I suggest that you not open that door again. When I allowed my abusive college boyfriend to talk to me years after we broke up, I ended up upset all over again because his apologies were not enough.

Let your ex deal with making his amends from a distance. Don’t turn back. Live your life.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: I haven’t done this before -- run a whole day of your responses to a single letter -- but I’m doing so now because you got so fired up I want you to see how you reacted to the situation. Here’s what a few of you had to say about “No More Babies,” the woman with five children whose husband wanted her to have a tubal ligation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: If the burden on the body of a vasectomy and a tubal ligation were comparable, I think your advice would be (almost) fair. However, the reality is that vasectomies are less invasive, require less recovery time and are more easily reversed than a tubal ligation. For that husband to ask his wife to go through a more complicated, more painful and more permanent procedure after she has already put her body through five pregnancies is incredibly selfish. Even if they were comparable, sure it would be "fair" to both subject themselves to the procedure, but it would also be inefficient at best and cruel at worst. He should get the vasectomy and leave her body out of it. -- Duh?

DEAR HARRIETTE: Really? "No more sex until you both have undergone the procedures." Withholding sex to get what you want is NEVER good for a relationship; it turns a shared intimate, emotional experience and expression of love into a transaction. I agree that this couple has a serious problem that needs to be worked out together. This disagreement could also be a sign of other issues in their marriage that need to be addressed. However, using sex as a bartering chip to manipulate and control your partner is not the way to go. -- More Than One Way To Avoid Pregnancy

DEAR HARRIETTE: Sorry, Harriette, but I'm going to have to totally disagree with the advice that you gave “No More Babies.” You suggested that she stand her ground and declare no more sex until he got a vasectomy. Nope! HER body has gone through the changes of five pregnancies, not his. For her own peace of mind and body, she should get her tubes tied. -- Tubes Tied After Two

DEAR HARRIETTE: To “No More Babies”: Forget about having a tubal ligation and urge your husband to get over himself. He's being immature and selfish.

Your body has been through enough! It's much easier and less expensive for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation. My husband had it done, and it was a breeze. -- Happy in Ohio

DEAR HARRIETTE: Although I think they both need better communication, I feel your answer has now turned sex into a weapon, which is NOT good or healthy for any relationship -- married or not. I’d suggest the husband wear condoms. It still forces your point without weaponizing something that is a big part of a relationship. -- A Man’s Perspective

DEAR HARRIETTE: Recommending no sex until the husband changes his mind without questions about condoms or other birth control? Sure, punt them on their way to divorce. -- No Help at All

DEAR READERS: Thank you for your care and outrage -- at both the couple and me -- as well as your thoughtful responses. Marriage, building family and dealing with change along the way can be tough. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes with compassion can be extremely helpful.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been reading your column for several years, and I’ve noticed how you are a big advocate for communication. Yay! I agree that communication is key.

Sometimes you provide words or sentences your readers can use. However, in some of the cases people ask you about, it seems like they are talking to a wall, and the other person involved just doesn’t get it. Could you give me and your other readers advice on when and how to communicate, as well as what to do if the person isn’t listening, misunderstands your words or reacts badly? Thank you. -- Woman Communicator

DEAR WOMAN COMMUNICATOR: The best way to determine if someone is going to make the effort to listen to you is for you to listen to them first. Pay attention to the person in question. What state of mind is he or she in? Do you think the person has the capacity to hear you at that moment? Is the person distracted? Inebriated? Agitated? Sleepy? Any of these states can make it impossible for that person to pay attention to you.

Before speaking, you can ask, “Do you have a moment now? I would like to talk to you about something.” You can ask for the TV or video game to be turned off, for the phone to be silenced, for the person to look at you. When you address someone, speak in a respectful, non-accusatory tone. If you are upset and cannot be neutral, delay the conversation or say that you are upset and you are sorry if your words come out wrong. Choose your words carefully. Speak in short, descriptive sentences that make it easy for the person to understand what you are saying. Check in along the way to learn if what you are saying makes sense to the listener.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am getting married soon and drafting my guest list, and I am having a hard time making certain decisions. My dad and I have had a bit of a strained relationship since he realized my sexuality was not a “phase.” He’s attempted to accept it, and I know he still loves me, but he has a hard time concealing his discomfort. As time passed, I’ve stopped inviting him around my partner because we couldn’t be ourselves fully.

My dad and I stay in touch, but he rarely asks about my fiancee, and he doesn’t ask about that part of my life. I love my dad and would love to have him join us at the ceremony, but I don’t want to feel concerned with his opinions or perspective on my big day. Is it enough that he still loves me and tries? Or is the fact that he doesn’t try hard enough more important? -- Wedding List

DEAR WEDDING LIST: Talk to your father about your concerns. Remind him that your wedding is coming soon, and ask him directly if he wants to participate. Acknowledge that you know how difficult it has been for him to accept your sexuality and your partner. Tell him you appreciate the effort he has made thus far and that while you would like for him to be a part of your wedding, you do not want him to feel uncomfortable -- and you don’t want his attitude to put a damper on your joy. Ask him if he thinks he can be there and remain respectful or if it is better for him to sit it out.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)