Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband recently came home from a business trip, and as I was doing the laundry, I noticed a condom in his pants pocket. I am so upset, but I’m afraid to approach him about this. My husband travels a lot for work. I never thought that he might be having sex with someone while he’s on the road. Now it seems like it’s a certainty. What can I say to him to address this? I know I can fuss and complain, but in the end, he can do whatever he wants to do when I’m not around. I am so hurt. -- Broken Vows

DEAR BROKEN VOWS: Be direct: Tell your husband that you found the condom and ask him who he is having sex with. Don’t sugarcoat it. Tell him how hurt you are and that you know you cannot control his actions, but you are saddened to learn that he would break his vows. Ask him what he is doing and why. Probe to see if he is actually in a relationship with someone else or engaging in short-term flings.

Your directness may be so surprising that it will get him to answer honestly. In the end, you have to decide what you can tolerate. If you are willing to accept his explanation and forgive him, so be it. If you are not and he is unwilling to stop, you may have to part ways. You aren’t close to that place right now, though. Now is the time to talk it all out.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is in hospice, and my family and I are trying to make sure that her final days are as comfortable as possible. The problem is that the hospice doctors and nurses are continually pushing pain meds on her, even when she doesn’t say she is in pain. We are frustrated because they act like they know better, but they don’t know her. When they give her the meds, she is totally out of it -- even if whatever was bothering her was momentary.

How can we get these people to treat my mother with more dignity? What they told us they were going to do for her is very different from how they are behaving now. -- Pushing Her Out

DEAR PUSHING HER OUT: Request a meeting with the team that is caring for your mother and state your concerns. Make it clear that you understand that this is a tender time for your mother and that you want only the best for her. Acknowledge that pain medication may be necessary at times, but request that there be more communication with the family before decisions are made that essentially render her uncommunicative. Remain vigilant and polite, as you want them to give your mother great care even if it is necessary to tweak it. Stand firm when you believe they are being too aggressive.

Just like in other phases of her health care journey, continue to be a fierce advocate for her, even if they push back. You may want to read the book “The Good Death: A Guide to Supporting Your Loved One through the End of Life” by Suzanne B. O’Brien.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: A close friend of mine likes to play the role of cupid. Her interest in other people’s love lives might be well-meaning, but for me it feels invasive. I’m generally a bit reserved about my love life, but my friends know about a certain someone I am interested in. There has been some subtle flirting, and so far, I like the slow burn. The last time we were all together, my friend took it upon herself to tell my crush that I’m shy and I just need a push in the right direction. I was peeved and uncomfortable for the rest of that night, while she was quite proud of herself. I thought it was immature, and that’s not how I want to be perceived by anyone, let alone someone I might get involved with. Since then, he has asked if just the two of us could do something, and I told him I’d let him know. I still like him, but I feel so embarrassed and self-conscious now. Am I overreacting? -- Unsolicited Help

DEAR UNSOLICITED HELP: Look past your pushy friend for a moment at the opportunity before you. The guy you like has asked you out. Go for it. He may be like you, a bit shy and needing a push to make a move. While your friend should mind her own business, she may have done you a favor by generating a reaction. Don’t allow your anger at her to cloud your vision.

You can simply go with the flow to see how the date unfolds, or you can directly address the elephant in the room: Tell him that your friend made you embarrassed, but you are glad the two of you are sharing a moment together.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Two years ago, I was in an abusive relationship -- definitely emotionally, and eventually physically abusive. The person I was with had abandonment issues, and I stayed because I wanted to show him that not everyone leaves. After staying through the abuse, I realized that I wasn’t what would heal him or change him. When I finally ended it, I severed all ties. I thought I had covered all my bases, and nearly two years of zero contact fooled me into thinking it was all behind me. Then I got a long email from him asking if I might allow him the opportunity to apologize. He explained that he is now in therapy dealing with all the things that made him so angry to begin with and recognizes that I didn’t deserve any of what he put me through. I feel so proud of the two years of no contact that I gave myself, but part of me feels owed an apology. Will his apology help me move on? Am I taking steps backward? -- Cutting Ties

DEAR CUTTING TIES: From personal experience, I suggest that you not open that door again. When I allowed my abusive college boyfriend to talk to me years after we broke up, I ended up upset all over again because his apologies were not enough.

Let your ex deal with making his amends from a distance. Don’t turn back. Live your life.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: I haven’t done this before -- run a whole day of your responses to a single letter -- but I’m doing so now because you got so fired up I want you to see how you reacted to the situation. Here’s what a few of you had to say about “No More Babies,” the woman with five children whose husband wanted her to have a tubal ligation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: If the burden on the body of a vasectomy and a tubal ligation were comparable, I think your advice would be (almost) fair. However, the reality is that vasectomies are less invasive, require less recovery time and are more easily reversed than a tubal ligation. For that husband to ask his wife to go through a more complicated, more painful and more permanent procedure after she has already put her body through five pregnancies is incredibly selfish. Even if they were comparable, sure it would be "fair" to both subject themselves to the procedure, but it would also be inefficient at best and cruel at worst. He should get the vasectomy and leave her body out of it. -- Duh?

DEAR HARRIETTE: Really? "No more sex until you both have undergone the procedures." Withholding sex to get what you want is NEVER good for a relationship; it turns a shared intimate, emotional experience and expression of love into a transaction. I agree that this couple has a serious problem that needs to be worked out together. This disagreement could also be a sign of other issues in their marriage that need to be addressed. However, using sex as a bartering chip to manipulate and control your partner is not the way to go. -- More Than One Way To Avoid Pregnancy

DEAR HARRIETTE: Sorry, Harriette, but I'm going to have to totally disagree with the advice that you gave “No More Babies.” You suggested that she stand her ground and declare no more sex until he got a vasectomy. Nope! HER body has gone through the changes of five pregnancies, not his. For her own peace of mind and body, she should get her tubes tied. -- Tubes Tied After Two

DEAR HARRIETTE: To “No More Babies”: Forget about having a tubal ligation and urge your husband to get over himself. He's being immature and selfish.

Your body has been through enough! It's much easier and less expensive for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation. My husband had it done, and it was a breeze. -- Happy in Ohio

DEAR HARRIETTE: Although I think they both need better communication, I feel your answer has now turned sex into a weapon, which is NOT good or healthy for any relationship -- married or not. I’d suggest the husband wear condoms. It still forces your point without weaponizing something that is a big part of a relationship. -- A Man’s Perspective

DEAR HARRIETTE: Recommending no sex until the husband changes his mind without questions about condoms or other birth control? Sure, punt them on their way to divorce. -- No Help at All

DEAR READERS: Thank you for your care and outrage -- at both the couple and me -- as well as your thoughtful responses. Marriage, building family and dealing with change along the way can be tough. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes with compassion can be extremely helpful.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)