Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister won’t answer my calls or call me back, and I have no idea what I did wrong. She has never been great at communicating, but now she has gone radio silent. At first, I thought she was just busy, but it’s been a while now, and I’m starting to worry that something is really wrong between us. I’ve tried texting her, leaving voicemails and even reaching out through social media, but I haven’t gotten any response. Unfortunately, she lives across the country from me, so I can’t just visit her house.

I’ve called my parents to see if she’s been in contact with them, and they say that she has. I don’t want to push too hard and make things worse, but at the same time, I don’t want to sit back and let our relationship fade. Should I give her space and wait for her to come around, or should I try to get to the bottom of what’s going on? I love my sister and don’t want to lose our connection, but I’m not sure what to do next. -- Sibling Chasm

DEAR SIBLING CHASM: Clearly, your sister does not want to talk to you. Whatever her reasons are, you are not going to find out right now. You have no choice but to wait. You can write her a letter telling her that you miss her and are concerned that she has cut off communication with you. Apologize for anything that you may have said or done that caused her to disengage from you. Ask her to reach out when she is ready.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a basketball coach, and I have two players on my team who just can’t seem to get along. No matter what I do, they are constantly bickering, and it’s starting to affect not just their performance but the entire team’s dynamic. I’ve already tried sitting them down to talk things out, hoping they could find common ground, but I haven’t seen much of a difference. They’re both talented players, and I know they care about the game, but their inability to work together is becoming a real problem.

I don’t want this tension to bring down the morale of the rest of the team, but I also don’t want to pick sides or handle this unfairly. What’s the best way to encourage teamwork and resolve conflicts between players who just don’t see eye to eye? Should I involve their parents, or would that just make things worse? -- At Odds

DEAR AT ODDS: If you have a deep enough bench that you can do without these players for a bit, replace them with others and tell them that they cannot come back unless they figure out how to behave better. Yes, do speak to their parents to inform them of the bad behavior and to ask if anything is going on in their kids’ lives that would lead to the agitation that you are witnessing. Ask the parents to support their children by talking to them and helping to get to the reason for this behavior. You can work with the school’s guidance counselor on an intervention as well.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband recently came home from a business trip, and as I was doing the laundry, I noticed a condom in his pants pocket. I am so upset, but I’m afraid to approach him about this. My husband travels a lot for work. I never thought that he might be having sex with someone while he’s on the road. Now it seems like it’s a certainty. What can I say to him to address this? I know I can fuss and complain, but in the end, he can do whatever he wants to do when I’m not around. I am so hurt. -- Broken Vows

DEAR BROKEN VOWS: Be direct: Tell your husband that you found the condom and ask him who he is having sex with. Don’t sugarcoat it. Tell him how hurt you are and that you know you cannot control his actions, but you are saddened to learn that he would break his vows. Ask him what he is doing and why. Probe to see if he is actually in a relationship with someone else or engaging in short-term flings.

Your directness may be so surprising that it will get him to answer honestly. In the end, you have to decide what you can tolerate. If you are willing to accept his explanation and forgive him, so be it. If you are not and he is unwilling to stop, you may have to part ways. You aren’t close to that place right now, though. Now is the time to talk it all out.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is in hospice, and my family and I are trying to make sure that her final days are as comfortable as possible. The problem is that the hospice doctors and nurses are continually pushing pain meds on her, even when she doesn’t say she is in pain. We are frustrated because they act like they know better, but they don’t know her. When they give her the meds, she is totally out of it -- even if whatever was bothering her was momentary.

How can we get these people to treat my mother with more dignity? What they told us they were going to do for her is very different from how they are behaving now. -- Pushing Her Out

DEAR PUSHING HER OUT: Request a meeting with the team that is caring for your mother and state your concerns. Make it clear that you understand that this is a tender time for your mother and that you want only the best for her. Acknowledge that pain medication may be necessary at times, but request that there be more communication with the family before decisions are made that essentially render her uncommunicative. Remain vigilant and polite, as you want them to give your mother great care even if it is necessary to tweak it. Stand firm when you believe they are being too aggressive.

Just like in other phases of her health care journey, continue to be a fierce advocate for her, even if they push back. You may want to read the book “The Good Death: A Guide to Supporting Your Loved One through the End of Life” by Suzanne B. O’Brien.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: A close friend of mine likes to play the role of cupid. Her interest in other people’s love lives might be well-meaning, but for me it feels invasive. I’m generally a bit reserved about my love life, but my friends know about a certain someone I am interested in. There has been some subtle flirting, and so far, I like the slow burn. The last time we were all together, my friend took it upon herself to tell my crush that I’m shy and I just need a push in the right direction. I was peeved and uncomfortable for the rest of that night, while she was quite proud of herself. I thought it was immature, and that’s not how I want to be perceived by anyone, let alone someone I might get involved with. Since then, he has asked if just the two of us could do something, and I told him I’d let him know. I still like him, but I feel so embarrassed and self-conscious now. Am I overreacting? -- Unsolicited Help

DEAR UNSOLICITED HELP: Look past your pushy friend for a moment at the opportunity before you. The guy you like has asked you out. Go for it. He may be like you, a bit shy and needing a push to make a move. While your friend should mind her own business, she may have done you a favor by generating a reaction. Don’t allow your anger at her to cloud your vision.

You can simply go with the flow to see how the date unfolds, or you can directly address the elephant in the room: Tell him that your friend made you embarrassed, but you are glad the two of you are sharing a moment together.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Two years ago, I was in an abusive relationship -- definitely emotionally, and eventually physically abusive. The person I was with had abandonment issues, and I stayed because I wanted to show him that not everyone leaves. After staying through the abuse, I realized that I wasn’t what would heal him or change him. When I finally ended it, I severed all ties. I thought I had covered all my bases, and nearly two years of zero contact fooled me into thinking it was all behind me. Then I got a long email from him asking if I might allow him the opportunity to apologize. He explained that he is now in therapy dealing with all the things that made him so angry to begin with and recognizes that I didn’t deserve any of what he put me through. I feel so proud of the two years of no contact that I gave myself, but part of me feels owed an apology. Will his apology help me move on? Am I taking steps backward? -- Cutting Ties

DEAR CUTTING TIES: From personal experience, I suggest that you not open that door again. When I allowed my abusive college boyfriend to talk to me years after we broke up, I ended up upset all over again because his apologies were not enough.

Let your ex deal with making his amends from a distance. Don’t turn back. Live your life.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)