Miss Manners^®

GENTLE READERS: We really must protest. It is the American way to speak up against what is wrong, even if we can’t agree about what is.

With that privilege, Miss Manners is lodging a protest against the use of rude confrontations -- public name-calling, in the streets or electronically -- as a form of protest. She expects to be called naive, cowardly and a lot worse. Vented upon. But then, who isn’t, these days?

There are many legitimate forms of protest: voting, marching, demonstrating, chanting, lobbying and participating in public life -- whether to seek office or to help like-minded people do so. These may or may not accomplish the immediate objectives, but they are important expressions of public opinion that can build strength and ultimately prevail.

Even the rate of failure is not like that of venting, which has never accomplished anything. Has even a single person who was called nasty names stopped and thought, “Well, perhaps that’s fair; I should change”?

Predictably, Miss Manners objects to venting because it is rude. Its target is not only the designated one, but everyone else, as it pollutes the public environment. And we are all aware of how often it leads to violence.

But her deepest objection is that it is counter-productive of the very point it wants to make. And by that, she does not count on polite restraint providing a good example, however valuable that would be. People do not admire their victims any more than those under attack admire their attackers.

It is that public confrontation is so conspicuously disruptive and potentially dangerous as to give those who engage in it the false sense that they have accomplished something. Indeed, they have succeeded in upsetting numbers of people, possibly even some unintended targets who would have agreed with them.

Exhilarated by the attention, they stick with that method, thus squandering any time and energy they might put into the forms of protest that might lead to actual change. Miss Manners supposes that if you oppose them, you should be grateful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We received a wedding invitation that we are unable to accept. I wrote a regret and sent it to the address on the reply card. We would, however, like to give the couple a gift. In looking through the invitation enclosures, we found, to our dismay, that the only “item” for which they registered was money to fund their honeymoon.

I find this distasteful in the extreme, and wonder if Miss Manners has any suggestions for gifts for this couple.

GENTLE READER: A begging bowl in their pattern?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a party, a woman I know fairly well came up behind me and ran her fingers up and down my back in a scratching sort of way. I asked her to please stop, saying that I did not like it.

Her response was, “I know you don’t like to be touched, and that’s why I do it.” She repeated this comment.

I am at a loss as to how I could have responded. Am I doomed to be hugged and pawed by people I would be comfortable only touching me with a handshake?

GENTLE READER: As your acquaintance considers that annoying people is amusing, Miss Manners hopes that she will enjoy your giving a piercing scream the minute she touches you and shouting, “What are you doing?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a young woman finishing up her degree at a local community college. I must admit to being very fond of my cellphone; I read the news on it when I wake up, play games while waiting for the bus, listen to music during my ride and so on.

However, even I’m surprised by the number of people who pull out their phones in (what I believe to be) wholly inappropriate situations.

Not only do people take out their phones in class (distracting me and other students who are trying to pay attention to the lecture), but worse, there seems to be NO place they won’t take out their phone.

For example, I was in the locker room after my aqua yoga class, changing back into regular clothes. All of a sudden, I heard a camera shutter go off. Frightened, I pulled my towel around myself tightly and turned around to locate the noise.

As it turned out, it was simply another young woman (fully clothed, thankfully) taking a selfie in the large locker room mirror. After getting my wits about me, I managed a pointed “Do you mind?”, which she seemed baffled by.

Leaving alone my fear at the sound that someone was specifically taking pictures of women in the locker room, Miss Manners, what if she had gotten me in the background of her shot? What if she had not cropped it out? I would be horrified that such a picture of me existed.

Was I wrong to call her out? Was there something else I should have said, either initially or after she didn’t seem to understand my upset? And finally, could I please implore other Gentle Readers not to take photos (or do other public business, such as phone or video calls) in such a private environment?

GENTLE READER: If common sense is not prevailing, you might ask the establishment to post a sign: “No cameras in the locker room -- without a warrant.”

Miss Manners sees nothing wrong with your quite understandable reaction. If you felt the need to explain --and potentially avoid a repeat experience -- you could have said, “I am sorry for my reaction, but I was startled. I do not think that people want their pictures taken when they are in various states of undress. At least not without signing a waiver first.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was young, I was taught by nuns in elementary school. And when I went home at night, my mother was there to control and teach me.

The nuns would never have allowed the language I hear from children today. I’m not sure how happy they would have been to hear it from the parents, either. I’m increasingly bothered when I hear “oh my God.”

Is there any way to get people to stop? I see videos online of parents saying it, children repeating it. I find it so offensive. Especially that the parents are not teaching the children that they are too young to decide to use such language. They could at least learn to withhold it in public.

GENTLE READER: Or cloyingly abbreviate it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter and I disagree on a very touchy subject. She thinks that it is appropriate to call someone out on something that they have said that is racist or bigoted in any situation. I feel that there is about one time in 20 where it is not appropriate.

I think that if you are at a social event with co-workers and your boss says something in this manner, you should turn and walk away. She says that I am not standing up for others who are different. She thinks it’s worth losing your job over. Who is doing the correct thing in this situation?

GENTLE READER: Gone, thankfully, are the days of saying “that’s just the way he is” as an excuse, or of shrugging about a boss’s being “old school.”

However, Miss Manners is not unsympathetic to people who need the work -- and there is a time and a place to fight one’s battles. But if one is willing to quit a job, it behooves that person to quit in a responsible way that gets the point across, but is also professional.

“I am afraid that we do not see eye-to-eye on several issues, so I think it best that I leave the company. I hope that you will make your next employee -- no matter what their race, religion or sexual orientation -- feel welcome.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sent out invitations for a small party, quite some time in advance, and received prompt RSVPs declaring that almost everyone would attend. In the week leading up to the party, almost everyone has revoked their RSVP, for various entirely plausible reasons.

Of the 15 or so who agreed to come, only three now intend to grace me with their presence. Those who are no longer attending are chums of mine of various stripes.

I am confident that I am not being shunned for any reason, and I don’t want to stir things up by holding a grudge. However, I do not know how to politely respond to suggestions that they “swing by at the end” without seeming passive-aggressive. My instinct says I should tell them not to bother, as I will feel embarrassed if they show up and find such a small crowd -- or, worse, everyone already gone. But this feels rather like rescinding the invitation, which I do not want to do.

GENTLE READER: Just because your guests have issued themselves new invitations does not mean that you have to honor them. Your party was for a certain time. Sadly, if they cannot make it, that is their misfortune.

Miss Manners cautions you that allowing them to show up “whenever” would be rewarding bad behavior, however well-intentioned, and virtually ensuring that it continues.

Try saying pleasantly, “Oh, I am afraid that we might not be going that late. But I am sure that we will have another party one day and will try harder to suit your schedule.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)