DEAR MISS MANNERS: I host all holiday celebrations. This is because I have the space and the cooking skills, and for the most part, I enjoy spending time with family and friends and preparing a huge, elegant meal for them. With one exception, the crowd seated around the table always seems to enjoy the feast very much.

However, we have one family member, an older woman, who acts like a spoiled toddler at the table: making faces, gagging and spitting out any food that is not to her taste, then loudly announcing the specific reasons she does not care for the food, and what I should have made instead. She has even gone as far as to remove family favorites from the table, throwing plates full of food in the trash, yelling that she is protecting everybody else from being made ill by that horrible slop!

What she does like are instant foods and canned goods that are doctored up with sugar, garlic, prepackaged seasoning mixes and sometimes bacon. I cook from scratch and have a lighter hand with the seasonings. I try to make sure there are things on the table that she will eat, but she is the only one who wants that stuff, which also makes her very angry. Otherwise, I do my best to ignore the insulting and childish behavior.

My immediate family and I have had a terrible year, full of grief, stress, physical pain and illness, with more troubles on the horizon. I am having difficulty dealing with this extended family member’s outspokenness at times that are not so emotionally loaded as holiday celebrations, and have, on a couple occasions, snapped at her. If it were possible to be out of town for the holidays to avoid the unpleasantness, that is exactly what we would do, but we have obligations at home.

How do I keep my temper in check and create some boundaries while still being a good hostess? Do I somehow find the energy to cook her a big, separate meal in an attempt to keep the peace? Do I do it her way to shut her up, and let everybody else complain? Do I suggest that she go to the Asian restaurant down the road, the only business open over the holidays, if she cannot eat what is on my table? Do I confront her about her behavior? If so, how do I do it in a way that does not make others uncomfortable?

I need a plan, or I am afraid I will be unable to keep from sharing a few honest opinions of my own, and things will get ugly!

GENTLE READER: Take the family member aside -- privately and well before the appointed meal -- and ask how you can help. “I do not seem to be able to please you. I know you have your favorite dishes, but the rest of the family does, too. Perhaps you can help me with a few things that everyone will like.”

There are no guarantees in managing someone whose bizarre hostility has gone untreated. But in Miss Manners’ experience, there is nothing quite so disarming to a tantrum-prone individual than to be spoken to calmly and rationally -- and more important, to be taken seriously.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I went to a restaurant with another couple, they ordered an appetizer of Parmesan fries in addition to their entrees. My husband and I just ordered entrees.

The waitress placed the appetizer in the center of the table, and our friends told us to help ourselves. My husband and I only ate about two fries each, since it was not our appetizer.

When the check came, we noticed that the waitress split the price of the appetizer between the two checks. We didn’t say anything and just paid our half without protest. After all, it wasn’t as if paying for half an appetizer was going to set us back.

I honestly don’t think our friends even realized that we were charged for half of their appetizer. While this isn’t something to be petty about, I hope that this is not a common practice, as I really don’t want to pay for other people’s food. Was the restaurant correct for assuming that the cost should be split, and what should we do if it happens again?

GENTLE READER: Given how strong feelings run on the subject of bill splitting, Miss Manners advises waitresses and waiters, since they are barred from hiding under the table, to request specific instructions from the diners. If they do not, you could turn to the other couple and ask, “How would you like to split this?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a wedding of a friend who lied to me about having a bridal party.

When she moved to a different state, she started referring to me as her “best friend back home.” Before she left, I threw a going-away party with a guest list she chose. She asked me not to post the pictures on social media because she didn’t want to offend another “friend.” Why didn’t she just include that friend on the party list, I asked? I talked to her about it, and she apologized and “allowed” me to post my pictures, but I felt like the secret friend.

When she told me she wasn’t having a wedding party, it just gave me a bad feeling. I had a huge medical bill right before the wedding and decided I wouldn’t go. She wanted me there, so she paid for my flight.

The “non”-wedding party members were color-coordinated, did all the bridal duties, sat in the front row AND treated me like trash. One of them slammed the door on me and another snapped at me for coming to check on my friend in the bridal suite. It’s like they saw me as the reason that they didn’t get official titles. Despite her gesture to fly me in, I felt horrible and went home with hurt feelings.

I was treated badly and lied to, but I feel ridiculous bringing it up because she paid for my flight. I wish I’d never gone. Would you keep a friend like this?

GENTLE READER: No.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My supervisor came into our office today and began describing to my co-worker, who is also a friend of hers, her intimate encounter with her husband the night before, including frequency, locations and method.

Now, I am a senior lady, married for many decades and hardly a prude. But I was very dismayed by their conversation, and it is not the first time this has happened. I was a captive audience, as it is not possible for me to leave my office.

I need the job and have no desire to irritate anyone by making disparaging remarks.

What can I say or do to extricate myself from having to listen to these conversations and, by my silence, perhaps inadvertently signal my approval of them?

GENTLE READER: It is time to remind the participants that these days, such stories can be misunderstood and result in everyone’s being called into Human Resources for harassment training -- or worse.

Miss Manners intends you to say that the misunderstanding will be someone else’s, while implying that the someone else might be too nearby to proceed with safety.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a dinner party with a friend who claims to be a strict vegetarian. The host served some pre-dinner snacks, and my friend began to eat lots and lots of Parmesan cheese.

I know that this food contains veal rennet, but was unsure if my friend was aware of this. Since she had already started eating the food, I didn’t want to embarrass her in front of everyone else, or make her feel sick by telling her on the drive home. I still feel a twinge of guilt about not sharing my information.

Is it rude to call someone out for breaking their eating practice, or should I mind my own business and leave it to them to know their facts?

GENTLE READER: The term “strict vegetarian” only became necessary when it was discovered that no two people could agree on the definition of “vegetarian.” And Miss Manners suspects that the more restrictive term is also subject to creative interpretation. She therefore considers it a blessing that it is impolite to comment on what someone else does or does not eat -- much less on what has already been eaten.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We had a police officer refer to a crime victim in her late 50s as “elderly.” I don’t think it is an adjective that ever needs to be used; stating only the age should be sufficient. It is a word that doesn’t add any valid information to a newspaper article, and it is based on personal biases. Do you think I am overreacting?

GENTLE READER: Someone would have reacted badly even if the victim had indeed been elderly. The descriptor was, as you say, unnecessary. Miss Manners only hopes that the police officer learns from reactions such as yours to omit the adjective next time, rather than to refer to the next victim as a “youthful octogenarian.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)