QUESTION: Our 14-year-old granddaughter was recently staying with us. After she left, I looked at the history on our Internet browser and realized that she had been visiting porn sites and sexually explicit chat rooms. What do I do with this information?

JULI: I'm so sorry to hear about your discovery! Unfortunately, we hear stories like yours on a daily basis. Young teens, both male and female, are falling prey to Internet pornography. It represents a lethal combination of excitement and sexual curiosity that can quickly become addictive.

As difficult as it may be, I recommend that you talk to your granddaughter about what you discovered, ideally in person. It is really important that you approach her with a spirit of love and concern, wanting to help without judgment. She probably already feels a lot of shame about what she is doing. She is in over her head and doesn't know how to stop. Offer to help her in any way that you can. Encourage her to share her struggle with her parents. If she is unwilling to tell her parents, tell her that, out of love, you will share the information with them.

Some might argue that viewing porn has become an accepted norm for teens in our culture, so why make a big deal about it? Remember, just because so many teens view pornography doesn't make it any less dangerous to your granddaughter. It poses a serious threat to her mental health, emerging identity and future relationships. Her parents need to be involved in installing home Internet filters and helping her process what she has seen, perhaps through counseling.

QUESTION: Should my husband and I talk to our kids about drugs? We have a third-grader and a sixth-grader, and we're not sure whether their schools' drug education programs will be sufficient. But we don't even know how to begin to broach the subject at home.

JIM: For many parents, this is a topic that's almost as scary as the dreaded discussion about "the birds and the bees." Nevertheless, you need to have this talk with your kids. No school program or curriculum will carry the weight of your wise counsel and example. Joseph A. Califano Jr., a former U.S. Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare, put it best when he said, "The severe problem of substance abuse in this country will not be solved in courtrooms or government chambers, but in living rooms and across kitchen tables."

And yes, this ongoing dialogue should begin before your children reach adolescence. My friend Glenn Williams, who co-authored "How to Drug-Proof Your Kids" curriculum, says: "Would you wait until your child is past puberty to discuss with him the realities and responsibilities of sex? Would you wait until your child turns 16 and drives the family car onto the highway to teach him how to drive? No, of course not. And neither should you let your child get to the point of greatest vulnerability to drugs and alcohol before presenting the topic in the way you want your child to learn it."

Our boys are both under the age of 10, so drug abuse might not be an issue in their school yet. But that day is coming sooner than my wife and I would like to think. That's why we are seeking out resources that will help us tackle this important subject proactively. I believe it's critical that every parent do the same. You might start by visiting focusonthefamily.com, which offers a range of helpful articles and other materials on this issue.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

QUESTION: I keep a separate bank account for personal use -- nothing nefarious or illegal, just the occasional impulse purchase. Here's the thing, though: my wife doesn't know about the account. Should I 'fess up?

JIM: Absolutely, positively, you should tell your wife! The concern is not so much that you're spending money outside the family budget (although that's certainly a consideration), but the damage that this sort of secrecy can do to your marriage.

Others have fallen into the same trap. In an online survey by Forbes and the National Endowment for Financial Education, about one in three Americans admitted lying to their spouse about money, and another third said they were the ones who'd been deceived.

This "financial infidelity" took on many forms. The leading offenders either hid cash from their spouses, or covered up minor purchases and bills. But a significant number also said they hid major purchases, lied about their debt or earnings, and, yes, kept secret bank accounts.

Among those affected, 67 percent said the deception led to an argument, and 42 percent said it caused less trust in the relationship. More than a quarter said lies about money led to either a divorce or a separation.

Don't let this happen to you. Your wife will likely be hurt when you tell her, but your honest confession might make the revelation less painful than if she were to "catch you in the act," which would inevitably happen at some point. I implore you to see a pastor or marriage counselor and work through this issue together. It's better to get things out in the open now rather than let the deception continue. Honesty and trust are the foundation of a healthy marriage.

QUESTION: How much should I tell my fiance about my past? I realize that honesty and transparency are important in any relationship, but there are times when it can be harmful to "let it all hang out." I don't want to keep secrets, but neither do I want to cause hurt or damage. Where do I draw the line?

JULI: You're absolutely right that there is danger in erring by both keeping secrets and telling too much detail. I'm glad you're asking this question while you're engaged, before making a lifetime commitment to each other. While dating, people naturally present the best of themselves. They talk about their victories and put their best foot forward. In the intimacy of marriage, however, everything will be revealed. All of your weaknesses and insecurities will be uncovered. Even if you never speak of them, wounds and choices from your past will impact your marriage. This unhindered intimacy is what makes marriage so great and so threatening at the same time. Your engagement is the "in-between" period. It's the time to reveal significant things from your past and aspects of your personality that you may not let most people see.

Your fiance should know about things like your financial situation, any sexual relationships from your past, abusive relationships and addictions you may struggle with. These can present some very scary conversations, wondering how he will respond. It may feel like you're taking a step backward, but it's actually a giant step toward true intimacy. Your fiance's response will show you a lot about his character and willingness to embrace all of you within the intimacy of marriage.

There's a limit, however, to how much you share. The goal of sharing is to build trust. It takes discernment to know which details will build a foundation of trust, and which will erode it. Your fiance may even ask for details that would be hurtful for him to know in the future. As you wade through these difficult waters, I highly recommend premarital counseling to help you develop that solid foundation of authenticity and love.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

QUESTION: Our son just got married, and while he and his wife obviously love each other, I'm worried about their long-term prospects. He travels a lot, and there are so many temptations out there. How can I help him avoid the same terrible mistakes I made as a younger man?

JIM: At Focus on the Family we hear from many hurting people whose homes have been destroyed by infidelity. However, no matter how great the temptations out there, your son needs to know that disasters like this (BEGIN ITALS)can(END ITALS) be avoided.

You can encourage him in that regard, but it's a battle he must fight himself. Marriage counselor David Sanford has noted that nobody wakes up one day and suddenly decides to have an affair. Infidelity takes root in the heart and mind long before the physical act.

The opposite is also true. Marital fidelity starts well before marriage. It begins as a promise we make to ourselves -- to be a person of character. Being faithful is a lifelong commitment. It means seeking the best for your spouse and your family on a daily basis, at home or on the road.

Dr. Sanford has outlined several steps to help strengthen marital fidelity. These include affirming and listening to your spouse, seeking to meet her needs, and setting healthy boundaries for relationships outside the home. Hopefully your son is doing these things.

On the other hand, marital fidelity weakens when you devalue or avoid your spouse, instead focusing on yourself. It might start when a husband looks at pornography online, or when a wife gets too close emotionally to a male co-worker. But it always ends in heartache.

Even for those who have broken the bonds of marital trust, there is hope for healing and restoration. But the path is long and painful. It's so much better not to start down it in the first place.

QUESTION: Because of the downturn of the economy, I've found myself the primary breadwinner in our family. I grew up in a very traditional home, so this is an unknown for me. I can already tell it's causing friction with my husband. What do I do?

JULI: The Pew Research Center reported that in 2007 approximately 22 percent of wives earned more than her husband, so you're not alone. While there's nothing morally wrong with a wife being the primary breadwinner, it does present some unique marriage challenges. These difficulties are not often discussed because they represent traditional ideas that are not considered "PC." Politically correct or not, the problems are real.

Regardless of who earns more money, the fundamental needs of men and women in marriage haven't changed. A man needs to feel like a competent contributor and protector of his family. For the past several generations, the fundamental way men have measured their role as husband and father is how they provide financially. When he's unemployed, or his wife outearns him, a husband's confidence can take a big hit.

One of a wife's primary needs in marriage is to feel protected by her husband. This is echoed in the storybook romances of knights in shining armor rescuing damsels in distress. Although you may not feel like you (BEGIN ITALS)need(END ITALS) rescuing, your heart probably longs to rest in your husband's strength.

When a woman outearns her husband, these primary needs can easily go unmet. He feels useless, and she starts to resent having to carry the whole load. If by choice or necessity you continue to be the breadwinner, I recommend that you address these issues with your husband, perhaps with the help of a counselor. Making sure that both of your emotional needs are met will determine the health of your marriage.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.