Dear Ilana and Jess: I have two young adult children: One is 22 and the other is 24. Both are considering having Thanksgiving with their significant others’ families. This would be the first year apart for us. How do we navigate this? — Ray

Dear Ray: Your family is approaching a major developmental milestone and it’s certainly bittersweet. As hard as it may be to let the “kids” go, so-to-speak, keep in mind that they’re doing what you’ve prepared them to: launch their own lives. Just as your family has established traditions through the years, your adult children are starting their own.

In order to be a part of the conversation about the holidays, you might want to start it. In the process, encourage your kids to enjoy this new chapter while honoring their commitment to your own family. Discuss how the holidays will be divided between families and be sure to keep an open mind. Flexibility goes a long way, here. For example, let’s say your family does a Christmas tree hunt the day after Thanksgiving. The kids may spend Thanksgiving with their significant others, then return to find a Christmas tree with you. Throughout the conversation, make sure you’re not placing unwavering demands. Share your expectations, while allowing the kids to create their own.

Say This: “We’re happy you’re happy and we want to make this as smooth as possible. Let’s talk about how we’re going to divide the holidays between families. We’ll tell you what our hopes are and we’d like to hear yours.”

Not That: “I can’t believe you’re not going to spend Thanksgiving with your family.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: Our family is going away for the first time this Thanksgiving. Normally, we have it at the house, but we thought we would try something different this year. The kids have had mixed emotions about it and we’re not sure how it’s going to go. How can we make this trip successful? — Roxanne

Dear Roxanne: A lot of factors make for a successful trip, but keep in mind that you can’t control everything. Since this is a first attempt, consider it experimental. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be good.

Because holidays are centered on tradition, you’ll probably want to preserve your own, despite the change in location. If you can, have the same Thanksgiving meal (the kids may have a harder time adjusting if that changes). Either way, you should also maintain some of the same holiday rituals. For example, if at home you decorate for the rest of the holiday season on or after Thanksgiving, bring a little bit of decor to your hotel. You might find a special ornament to commemorate the year you went to ______.

Prime your kids to keep an open mind by using hopeful language. For example, if the kids complain or dismiss the plans, teach them how to think differently: “Since we haven’t done this before, we want to give it a real try and be open to new experiences. Instead of saying, ‘I’m not going to like it,’ I want you to say; ‘I’m not sure if I’ll like it, but I won’t know until I try’”

Finally, lay out the basic expectations and plans before you go. If the kids know what’s likely to happen, there’s less room for disappointment. Making it clear in advance what will and will not occur will help them adjust to the changes.

Say This: “Since we haven’t done this before, we want to give it a real try and be open to new experiences. Instead of saying, ‘I’m not going to like it,’ I want you to say; ‘I’m not sure if I’ll like it, but I won’t know until I try’”

Not That: “You should just appreciate the fact that we get to go on a trip!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I have two daughters, Sienna and Riley, ages 8 and 12. My younger daughter always wants to play with my older daughter’s friends, but does not handle it appropriately. For example, Sienna will bang on Riley’s door until she opens it. Riley doesn’t mind spending time with Sienna, until Sienna gets boisterous. How do I handle it? — Mike

Dear Mike: As their parent, you’re going to have to set some boundaries. First and foremost, establish ground rules for playdates. Even if you want Riley to let Sienna play with her friends, this is a privilege that must be earned. Every time Sienna gains access to Riley’s room by banging on the door, she’s learning that using force is effective for getting what she wants. This must be unlearned.

When your daughters don’t have friends over, roleplay asking to play appropriately with Sienna. Preface the exercise by telling her that you’ll be on the other side of the shut door. If Sienna asks you to open it appropriately, you’ll do so. Before you allow her to try it out, model the behavior you want to see. For example, knock lightly on the door and say, “It’s Sienna, can I please come in?” Let Sienna know that she’ll earn a small reward each time she does this correctly, so she’s got some incentive to do so.

The next time Sienna has an opportunity to put these skills into practice with her sister, offer her a big reward for getting it right. It could be a special family outing or a new toy she’s been wanting. (Of course, you’ll want to create opportunities for Riley to earn rewards too, but that’s a separate column). For now, make sure Sienna has strong motivation to ask her sister to play appropriately. If she doesn’t, tell her to step away from the door and try again. Only when she treats her sister respectfully should she be allowed to join their friends.

Say This: “Sienna, we’re going to practice asking to play appropriately. I’m going to show you how to do it, first. While we practice, each time you ask politely, you can earn_____. If you ask Riley to play appropriately the next time her friends are over, you can earn _____.”

Not That: “You need to learn to play nice!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION