Dear Ilana and Jess: My teenage daughter has such a brutal time with self-esteem, specifically in terms of her looks. I don’t know how to help her. Advice? — Rudy

Dear Rudy: As you can imagine, teen girls get little reprieve from the pressure to look good. Social media has made unattainable success in all domains — including conventional beauty — feel unrealistically attainable. It’s all too easy to detach from reality and get lost in fantasy. With that in mind —

Remember that compliments won’t do much. You’re her parent, she’s your daughter. She will dismiss certain praise out-of-hand. Besides, you’re fanning the fire by implying that she has something to compete with or live up to.

Help your daughter focus on what makes her look her own. She can’t be just like those Instagram influencers, but she can be herself. Have your daughter make a list of what she likes about her own appearance, specifically. Don’t be particular about what she includes on the list — it can be her toes for all that matters. The point is to get her in the habit of thinking about herself positively. Expect resistance and heavy sarcasm and don’t be deterred.

Take a social media cleanse. While it may feel like a right to your teen, social media is a privilege. If it’s not being used appropriately or healthfully, it’s time to step back. If you need to impose parental restrictions on the phone, go ahead and do so, but start by framing it as a shared undertaking. Take a break yourself and do it as a family. Start by having a phones-free dinner or a one-night “fast” from the phone. The more your daughter is thinking about the world outside Instagram, the less focused on it she’ll be.

Say This: “I want you to make a list of ten things you truly like about yourself and/or your appearance. It doesn’t matter what you put on it, as long as it’s true. And yes, you can think of ten things.”

Not That: “Stop comparing yourself!” (It’s good advice, but it won’t change her behavior).

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

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Dear Ilana and Jess: The new year always starts with big ideas and resolutions, but my family can never seem to follow through. One of our goals as a family is to reduce conflict in the new year, but we aren’t sure how to go about it. Any suggestions? - Freida

Dear Freida: Happy New Year! Your problem is a common one, and we’ve talked about goal-setting plenty of times. Now, let’s tackle yours.

First, keep in mind that this goal, like all others, needs to be clearly outlined. Figure out as a family how you define conflict. Some conflict is healthy and necessary; make sure you’re not conflating disagreement for disarray. Once you’ve defined conflict, you can make a concrete plan to reduce it.

Create rules of engagement. Make sure to fight fair by setting and keeping boundaries. A good one that we always recommend is no yelling or screaming; if you feel yourself becoming that heated, take a break and try the conversation again in 10 minutes. Whatever rules you decide on, they should make sense for your family and help to increase respect between all members.

Learn how to say, “I don’t understand where you’re coming from.” The best way to decrease conflict is to increase empathy. Before you jump in with the hot take, try to understand where the other party is coming from. If you can’t, that’s a problem. Before you proceed, ask to hear their thought process. And, when they explain it to you…

Be willing to listen. You don’t have to agree to understand. When someone is sharing a perspective, pay attention to how they drew their conclusions. Remember that every conversation is an interaction of personalities, mood, and past experiences; there are a lot of reasons we are the way we are. Keep them all in mind when you try to understand why someone thinks the way they do.

Say This: “I genuinely don’t understand what makes you say/think that. Could you please explain it a little more?”

Not That: “Are you serious?!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

This week, we want to wish everyone a very Happy Holiday Season! From our family to yours, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year. We’ll see you in 2020! – Ilana & Jess

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION