Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter, Myra, is 15. Her friends have started getting very competitive with her and I think she’s taking the bait. How can I get her to opt out of cattiness and competition? – Stephanie

Dear Stephanie: The teen years are tricky and tenuous. There are many pitfalls and you just named two of them. Here are a few things you can do to help Myra rise above.

A great deal of identity formation happens during the teen years. Unfortunately, this means that it’s easy to become enmeshed with the people around us. Competition can be healthy; if we start it with ourselves. Help Myra get serious about minding her own business. Sit down together and have her write a list of things she’d like to accomplish in the next day, week, and year. Then, talk about concrete steps she can take to reach these goals. When she knows exactly what she wants, it’ll be harder to get distracted by what other people are doing.

Help Myra stay engaged. We all want (and need) down time, but too much of anything is a bad thing. Make sure that Myra isn’t devoting all leisure time to scrolling Instagram or watching videos on Tik Tok. If the schedule is too sparse, consider incorporating another extracurricular activity.

Expand the social circle. If Myra’s friends are truly toxic, it’s time to reexamine who she spends her time with. Remind Myra that real friends are mutually supportive and authentic. If her friends can’t be happy for her, and the reverse is true, then they’re doing each other a disservice.

Say This: “Myra, I want you to keep your eyes ahead. Forget about what ____ is doing for a second. We’re going to make a list of your long and short-term goals and talk about how to make them a reality.”

Not That: “Who cares what ____ is up to? It’s not a competition!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books

Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter struggles with travel anxiety and has a big trip overseas coming up. How can I help her actually enjoy her time away? - Merida

Dear Merida: Preparation is the antidote to anxiety. Because travel is something that many people do infrequently, it can be difficult to become desensitized to it. In turn, travel feels foreign and can be conflated with something threatening to the anxious person. Although you can’t necessarily do a dry run when it comes to flying, you can help your daughter take charge of all other advance preparations. To do so —

Be proactive about packing. Let your daughter take the lead by creating a list of what she needs. If she isn’t sure, there are plenty of online resources that can serve as a reference. If she finds the array of lists online overwhelming, select one for her and have her stick to it. The more control your daughter has, the less anxious she’s likely to feel.

Research the trip in advance. Leave nothing ambiguous. If your daughter has an itinerary, review it with her. If she doesn’t, create one. Google the locale, activities, hotel; any contextual information that’s relevant to her trip. Really get to know the place; for example, your daughter might follow the hotel’s Instagram page or the hashtags for the cities she’s traveling to. Make sure you also nail down transportation to and from the airport each way, so she knows exactly what to expect, in terms of navigation.

Write out the fears. Help your daughter identify what, exactly, she’s concerned about. Most often these fears, while very real to her, will be objectively irrational. For each realistic fear, create a plan to deal with the worst-case scenario. For example, if your daughter is worried about losing her luggage, help her outline the steps she can take to reclaim it. Research the appropriate contact information and have your daughter make a note in her phone. You can construct similar plans for all worst-case scenarios. In addition, your daughter should know how to use her insurance information and access medical care abroad.

Finally, have your daughter make a list of all that she has to look forward to on this trip. Remind her that the best-case scenarios are the most likely scenarios when traveling for fun. Pair each list item with pictures and specifics. Consider adding new activities your daughter is interested in to the itinerary, to really ramp up the excitement.

Say This: “Sweetie, I want you to enjoy this trip and feel prepared. It’s going to be a good thing! To start, make a packing list. I’ll help you review it when you’re done. Then, let’s take a look at your itinerary so you feel familiar with everything on it. When you’re done, I want you to write out your fears so we can prepare for any tricky situations. Then, we’ll make a list of all the things you’re looking forward to the most — that’s where your focus should be.”

Not That: “What are you worried about?! It’s going to be fun.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My eight-year-old daughter, Sheila, has developed a serious attitude. When I ask her to do something, she ignores me or tells me she’ll do it later. How do I get her to respect me? - Meredith

Dear Meredith: We’re going to stop you right there. The first problem: you’re asking her, not telling her. When giving a command, make sure it’s just that. Avoid phrasing requests as questions or suggestions. So, instead of saying, “Could you please do ____?” say, “Sheila, I need you to do ____.” In addition, make sure you’re specific about what you need her to do, so she can’t find a loophole.

Make eye contact. Before you start talking, make sure Sheila gives you her full attention. If she isn’t looking at you, call her name and pause. If, given a beat, she still does not look at you, prompt her directly to do so. Don’t continue talking until she complies.

Give a deadline and a consequence. If Sheila ignores you the first time you prompt her to do something, give a warning. You might say, “Sheila, I told you to take out your backpack once. If you don’t take it out now, I’m going to take your phone away until the homework is done.”

Finally, mind your tone. Make sure you’re speaking in a clear, authoritative voice. You don’t need to be loud or domineering, but give commands with confidence.

Say This: “Sheila: Look at me, please. I need you to take out your backpack and start your homework.”

Not That: “Sheila, do you want to start your homework now?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION