Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m 23-years–old and enjoying postgraduate life. My internship turned into a successful job and things are going well. Now, I just want to find someone to settle down with. Any dating advice? - Kyle

Dear Kyle: Congratulations on your success! Dating can feel like a difficult undertaking, but there are lots of ways to conquer adulthood’s next challenge.

Be proactive. In good or bad times, your life shouldn’t be something that happens to you. In the same way that you work toward professional and academic goals, make dating a priority.

Go where the people are. You should take the old adage “put yourself out there” literally. Research local community events and groups in your area, like trivia nights — Meetup.com can be a helpful resource for this. Make sure you’re attending groups and events that reflect your interests, so you can meet like-minded people.

Cast a wide net. If you’re on dating apps, consider setting your location to the nearest, major city. This will expand your pool of options, which is always helpful at the onset of the dating process.

Use your resources. It never hurts to ask friends and family if there’s anyone they might introduce you to. Don’t assume that they’d do so without you asking; they may not know you’re looking to date or interested in being set up. Open the door and see what happens.

Be consistent. Meeting people is a numbers game, so keep at it. Find events you can attend regularly. For example, if you’re religious or spiritual, a house of worship can be a wonderful place to meet people who share your values. Consider other activities you can attend with regularity as well.

Do This: Be proactive, engage with your community, speak to your existing social circle, and keep at it.

Not That: Hope you meet someone randomly.

Good luck and Happy Valentine’s Day!

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books

Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter, Myra, is 15. Her friends have started getting very competitive with her and I think she’s taking the bait. How can I get her to opt out of cattiness and competition? – Stephanie

Dear Stephanie: The teen years are tricky and tenuous. There are many pitfalls and you just named two of them. Here are a few things you can do to help Myra rise above.

A great deal of identity formation happens during the teen years. Unfortunately, this means that it’s easy to become enmeshed with the people around us. Competition can be healthy; if we start it with ourselves. Help Myra get serious about minding her own business. Sit down together and have her write a list of things she’d like to accomplish in the next day, week, and year. Then, talk about concrete steps she can take to reach these goals. When she knows exactly what she wants, it’ll be harder to get distracted by what other people are doing.

Help Myra stay engaged. We all want (and need) down time, but too much of anything is a bad thing. Make sure that Myra isn’t devoting all leisure time to scrolling Instagram or watching videos on Tik Tok. If the schedule is too sparse, consider incorporating another extracurricular activity.

Expand the social circle. If Myra’s friends are truly toxic, it’s time to reexamine who she spends her time with. Remind Myra that real friends are mutually supportive and authentic. If her friends can’t be happy for her, and the reverse is true, then they’re doing each other a disservice.

Say This: “Myra, I want you to keep your eyes ahead. Forget about what ____ is doing for a second. We’re going to make a list of your long and short-term goals and talk about how to make them a reality.”

Not That: “Who cares what ____ is up to? It’s not a competition!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books

Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter struggles with travel anxiety and has a big trip overseas coming up. How can I help her actually enjoy her time away? - Merida

Dear Merida: Preparation is the antidote to anxiety. Because travel is something that many people do infrequently, it can be difficult to become desensitized to it. In turn, travel feels foreign and can be conflated with something threatening to the anxious person. Although you can’t necessarily do a dry run when it comes to flying, you can help your daughter take charge of all other advance preparations. To do so —

Be proactive about packing. Let your daughter take the lead by creating a list of what she needs. If she isn’t sure, there are plenty of online resources that can serve as a reference. If she finds the array of lists online overwhelming, select one for her and have her stick to it. The more control your daughter has, the less anxious she’s likely to feel.

Research the trip in advance. Leave nothing ambiguous. If your daughter has an itinerary, review it with her. If she doesn’t, create one. Google the locale, activities, hotel; any contextual information that’s relevant to her trip. Really get to know the place; for example, your daughter might follow the hotel’s Instagram page or the hashtags for the cities she’s traveling to. Make sure you also nail down transportation to and from the airport each way, so she knows exactly what to expect, in terms of navigation.

Write out the fears. Help your daughter identify what, exactly, she’s concerned about. Most often these fears, while very real to her, will be objectively irrational. For each realistic fear, create a plan to deal with the worst-case scenario. For example, if your daughter is worried about losing her luggage, help her outline the steps she can take to reclaim it. Research the appropriate contact information and have your daughter make a note in her phone. You can construct similar plans for all worst-case scenarios. In addition, your daughter should know how to use her insurance information and access medical care abroad.

Finally, have your daughter make a list of all that she has to look forward to on this trip. Remind her that the best-case scenarios are the most likely scenarios when traveling for fun. Pair each list item with pictures and specifics. Consider adding new activities your daughter is interested in to the itinerary, to really ramp up the excitement.

Say This: “Sweetie, I want you to enjoy this trip and feel prepared. It’s going to be a good thing! To start, make a packing list. I’ll help you review it when you’re done. Then, let’s take a look at your itinerary so you feel familiar with everything on it. When you’re done, I want you to write out your fears so we can prepare for any tricky situations. Then, we’ll make a list of all the things you’re looking forward to the most — that’s where your focus should be.”

Not That: “What are you worried about?! It’s going to be fun.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION