Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m worried that my preteen kids have started fibbing. Fortunately, both of my children are good and don’t break the rules so much as they bend them. Still, I need honesty. How do I get that? - Katie

Dear Katie: Put in checks and measures. If you can’t take the kids’ word for it, don’t. Require confirmation that they’re doing what they say they will (and not doing what they say they won’t). This could be photographic evidence, for example: if you’re not home to check homework, ask them to send you a picture of their completed assignments. The more consistently they prove themselves, the better. These measures don’t need to stay in place forever, but be careful not to fade them too rapidly.

Promote honesty at every opportunity. Each time you get confirmation that your kids are telling the truth, reinforce it. This can be as simple as providing positive praise: “Thank you so much for sharing that with me.” If you’re implementing checks like those suggested above, offer rewards for successful completion. For example, the kids can earn extra screen time for every completed homework assignment they submit to you.

Keep confrontations short and sweet. If you do catch your kids in a lie, be careful not to shame them. Be frank and direct in addressing what’s happened and don’t word your confrontation as a question. Give the kids one opportunity to tell the truth. Make sure that your prompt is leading; the goal is to be specific enough that your kids get the picture, while leaving things open-ended. For example: “I’d like you to tell me honestly what happened when _____.” If they don’t fess up, then tell them directly what you know and implement a consequence for lying.

Say This: “I’d like you to tell me honestly what happened when _____.”

Not That: “Are you lying to me?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

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Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m 23-years–old and enjoying postgraduate life. My internship turned into a successful job and things are going well. Now, I just want to find someone to settle down with. Any dating advice? - Kyle

Dear Kyle: Congratulations on your success! Dating can feel like a difficult undertaking, but there are lots of ways to conquer adulthood’s next challenge.

Be proactive. In good or bad times, your life shouldn’t be something that happens to you. In the same way that you work toward professional and academic goals, make dating a priority.

Go where the people are. You should take the old adage “put yourself out there” literally. Research local community events and groups in your area, like trivia nights — Meetup.com can be a helpful resource for this. Make sure you’re attending groups and events that reflect your interests, so you can meet like-minded people.

Cast a wide net. If you’re on dating apps, consider setting your location to the nearest, major city. This will expand your pool of options, which is always helpful at the onset of the dating process.

Use your resources. It never hurts to ask friends and family if there’s anyone they might introduce you to. Don’t assume that they’d do so without you asking; they may not know you’re looking to date or interested in being set up. Open the door and see what happens.

Be consistent. Meeting people is a numbers game, so keep at it. Find events you can attend regularly. For example, if you’re religious or spiritual, a house of worship can be a wonderful place to meet people who share your values. Consider other activities you can attend with regularity as well.

Do This: Be proactive, engage with your community, speak to your existing social circle, and keep at it.

Not That: Hope you meet someone randomly.

Good luck and Happy Valentine’s Day!

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books

Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter, Myra, is 15. Her friends have started getting very competitive with her and I think she’s taking the bait. How can I get her to opt out of cattiness and competition? – Stephanie

Dear Stephanie: The teen years are tricky and tenuous. There are many pitfalls and you just named two of them. Here are a few things you can do to help Myra rise above.

A great deal of identity formation happens during the teen years. Unfortunately, this means that it’s easy to become enmeshed with the people around us. Competition can be healthy; if we start it with ourselves. Help Myra get serious about minding her own business. Sit down together and have her write a list of things she’d like to accomplish in the next day, week, and year. Then, talk about concrete steps she can take to reach these goals. When she knows exactly what she wants, it’ll be harder to get distracted by what other people are doing.

Help Myra stay engaged. We all want (and need) down time, but too much of anything is a bad thing. Make sure that Myra isn’t devoting all leisure time to scrolling Instagram or watching videos on Tik Tok. If the schedule is too sparse, consider incorporating another extracurricular activity.

Expand the social circle. If Myra’s friends are truly toxic, it’s time to reexamine who she spends her time with. Remind Myra that real friends are mutually supportive and authentic. If her friends can’t be happy for her, and the reverse is true, then they’re doing each other a disservice.

Say This: “Myra, I want you to keep your eyes ahead. Forget about what ____ is doing for a second. We’re going to make a list of your long and short-term goals and talk about how to make them a reality.”

Not That: “Who cares what ____ is up to? It’s not a competition!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books