Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter, Larissa, wants a super sweet 16 and expectations are high. There’re limits to what my husband and I can afford, but we don’t want to disappoint our daughter. How do we make this work?

Dear Pam: As your daughter reaches the peak of her teen years, it’s more important than ever to prepare her for adulthood. Teaching values – including fiscal responsibility – is a part of that. Now is not the time to mask reality to meet unrealistic expectations. Gratitude is much more valuable than a memorable birthday party.

First, tell Larissa truthfully what you can and cannot afford. Boundaries are healthy and, in this case, (as in many) necessary. If you imply or behave as though Larissa is owed an over-the-top party, she will internalize this message. This is something you don’t want to teach. Once you set the limits, stick to them. If you acquiesce, you’ll breed entitlement.

Second, have Larissa contribute to the party fund. It’s important that she understands the value of a dollar and the process of earning what she wants. If Larissa is responsible for contributing to the party payments, she’ll better appreciate what she gets. At the same time, she’ll learn that she’s responsible for putting in the work.

Say This: “We want you to have a wonderful party, but we need to be realistic. We are willing to contribute ____ dollars. This should cover ______. Anything else you’d like to have, you’ll need to pay for.”

Not That: “Whatever you want, we’ll make it happen!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter is newly two-years-old and we’ve entered the tantrum phase. Plus, every time I tell her to stop doing something, like throwing her toys, she ignores me. How do I get her to listen better? — Blair

Dear Blair: First, learn the power of extinction. “Extinction” is a behavioral term that refers to withholding reinforcement for a problem behavior. What does that mean? In the case of tantrums, the problem behavior is, well, the tantrum. The reinforcement is any and all attention; that includes telling your two-year-old to stop. While it may seem counterintuitive, any talk during the course of a tantrum, even scolding, is reinforcing to the attention-seeking toddler. This means that every time you talk to her while she’s mid-tantrum, you’re encouraging her to keep going and to tantrum again in the future.

Instead of engaging, make sure your daughter is in a physically safe space (as we all know, tantrums often include kicking and screaming). Then, remove all attention until she stops. It will take a long time, but the moment will come. Ideally, you’ll leave the room so she has no audience whatsoever. With that said, safety comes first. It may be best to keep an eye on her and remain in the same room without talking to her; especially if you don’t have a baby monitor. Use your judgment and remember that nothing is more important than your daughter’s safety.

Telling a toddler to “stop” is rarely enough to get them to do so. If she’s misusing an item, like a toy, tell her specifically what she should not be doing and what she should be doing instead. Then, tell her what will happen if she does perform the problem behavior. For example, “Do not throw the toy. Put it down nicely. If you throw the toy, Mommy will take it away.” Most importantly, follow through on your warning when necessary.

Finally, don’t forget the power of positive praise. If your toddler is only getting attention for misbehaving, they have good cause to keep acting up. Focus on what they’re doing right and make your praise specific. For example, “I love the way you’re listening to Mommy right now!” or, “You’re eating your food so nicely. Great job!”

Say This: “Do not throw the toy. Put the toy down nicely. If you throw the toy, Mommy will take it away.” (Once the toy has been placed appropriately) “Great listening!”

Not That: “Stop!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: I’m worried that my preteen kids have started fibbing. Fortunately, both of my children are good and don’t break the rules so much as they bend them. Still, I need honesty. How do I get that? - Katie

Dear Katie: Put in checks and measures. If you can’t take the kids’ word for it, don’t. Require confirmation that they’re doing what they say they will (and not doing what they say they won’t). This could be photographic evidence, for example: if you’re not home to check homework, ask them to send you a picture of their completed assignments. The more consistently they prove themselves, the better. These measures don’t need to stay in place forever, but be careful not to fade them too rapidly.

Promote honesty at every opportunity. Each time you get confirmation that your kids are telling the truth, reinforce it. This can be as simple as providing positive praise: “Thank you so much for sharing that with me.” If you’re implementing checks like those suggested above, offer rewards for successful completion. For example, the kids can earn extra screen time for every completed homework assignment they submit to you.

Keep confrontations short and sweet. If you do catch your kids in a lie, be careful not to shame them. Be frank and direct in addressing what’s happened and don’t word your confrontation as a question. Give the kids one opportunity to tell the truth. Make sure that your prompt is leading; the goal is to be specific enough that your kids get the picture, while leaving things open-ended. For example: “I’d like you to tell me honestly what happened when _____.” If they don’t fess up, then tell them directly what you know and implement a consequence for lying.

Say This: “I’d like you to tell me honestly what happened when _____.”

Not That: “Are you lying to me?”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION