Dear Ilana and Jess: My kids have a lot of questions about the coronavirus and I don’t know how to go about this. Any words of wisdom? - Mindy

Dear Mindy: We, the authors, support individuals and families through all of life’s vicissitudes. From the daily common occurrence to crises, we see our clients through each trial and triumph life brings. Below are several guidelines you can adopt to communicate with your children about tough topics, including the coronavirus. 

     Remember that communication does not begin and end with words. When talking about the coronavirus, use a neutral, even tone: it is comforting in the midst of seeming chaos. It also teaches your children that there is a way to express their worry without being overcome by it. 

 Answer all questions, but don’t speculate. Stick to the facts and give your kids age-appropriate information. If your kids ask about virus symptoms or its status, refer to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention or another reputable source for information. Omit details that are unnecessary to convey; for example, specific death rates. Be sure to remind your kids of what’s being done to address the issue as well. For example, “health officials are working hard to stop the virus from spreading.”

Acknowledge their feelings. Let your children know that you understand and that it’s okay to feel concerned, but don’t leave it at that. Assure them that they have your support. For example, “I know this can be confusing and concerning. But, we are doing everything we can to keep our family safe and have every reason to believe that things are okay. I’m here for you.”

Say This: “I know this can be very confusing. But, we are doing everything we can to keep our family safe and have every reason to believe that things are okay. I’m here for you.”

Not That: “We don’t really know what’s going on or how this is going to end.”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

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Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter, Larissa, wants a super sweet 16 and expectations are high. There’re limits to what my husband and I can afford, but we don’t want to disappoint our daughter. How do we make this work?

Dear Pam: As your daughter reaches the peak of her teen years, it’s more important than ever to prepare her for adulthood. Teaching values – including fiscal responsibility – is a part of that. Now is not the time to mask reality to meet unrealistic expectations. Gratitude is much more valuable than a memorable birthday party.

First, tell Larissa truthfully what you can and cannot afford. Boundaries are healthy and, in this case, (as in many) necessary. If you imply or behave as though Larissa is owed an over-the-top party, she will internalize this message. This is something you don’t want to teach. Once you set the limits, stick to them. If you acquiesce, you’ll breed entitlement.

Second, have Larissa contribute to the party fund. It’s important that she understands the value of a dollar and the process of earning what she wants. If Larissa is responsible for contributing to the party payments, she’ll better appreciate what she gets. At the same time, she’ll learn that she’s responsible for putting in the work.

Say This: “We want you to have a wonderful party, but we need to be realistic. We are willing to contribute ____ dollars. This should cover ______. Anything else you’d like to have, you’ll need to pay for.”

Not That: “Whatever you want, we’ll make it happen!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter is newly two-years-old and we’ve entered the tantrum phase. Plus, every time I tell her to stop doing something, like throwing her toys, she ignores me. How do I get her to listen better? — Blair

Dear Blair: First, learn the power of extinction. “Extinction” is a behavioral term that refers to withholding reinforcement for a problem behavior. What does that mean? In the case of tantrums, the problem behavior is, well, the tantrum. The reinforcement is any and all attention; that includes telling your two-year-old to stop. While it may seem counterintuitive, any talk during the course of a tantrum, even scolding, is reinforcing to the attention-seeking toddler. This means that every time you talk to her while she’s mid-tantrum, you’re encouraging her to keep going and to tantrum again in the future.

Instead of engaging, make sure your daughter is in a physically safe space (as we all know, tantrums often include kicking and screaming). Then, remove all attention until she stops. It will take a long time, but the moment will come. Ideally, you’ll leave the room so she has no audience whatsoever. With that said, safety comes first. It may be best to keep an eye on her and remain in the same room without talking to her; especially if you don’t have a baby monitor. Use your judgment and remember that nothing is more important than your daughter’s safety.

Telling a toddler to “stop” is rarely enough to get them to do so. If she’s misusing an item, like a toy, tell her specifically what she should not be doing and what she should be doing instead. Then, tell her what will happen if she does perform the problem behavior. For example, “Do not throw the toy. Put it down nicely. If you throw the toy, Mommy will take it away.” Most importantly, follow through on your warning when necessary.

Finally, don’t forget the power of positive praise. If your toddler is only getting attention for misbehaving, they have good cause to keep acting up. Focus on what they’re doing right and make your praise specific. For example, “I love the way you’re listening to Mommy right now!” or, “You’re eating your food so nicely. Great job!”

Say This: “Do not throw the toy. Put the toy down nicely. If you throw the toy, Mommy will take it away.” (Once the toy has been placed appropriately) “Great listening!”

Not That: “Stop!”

Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.

DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION