DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: How does one distinguish between a person signaling an interest in platonic friendship and a person signaling an interest in a romantic relationship?

It seems to me that many of the behaviours that signal a person is romantically interested could be fairly interchangeable with someone with whom you get on really well as a friend (e.g., teasing, Duchenne smiles, remembering small details from previous conversations). And logically, that makes sense, since flirting and friendship are ultimately about producing/reinforcing some sort of emotional bond. Granted, there’s the physical proximity thing, but even that can get a bit muddled as I often find that I’ll sit quite close to my friends or lean into them while looking at something on their phone – and to make matters even more confusing, because I suffer from social anxiety, I actually tend to instinctively increase my physical distance, face away, and avoid eye contact when I am attracted to someone, because I get painfully nervous. I imagine the same may go for others dealing with the lovely anxiety beast.

In the past, I’ve misinterpreted signals from people I thought were ‘just friends’, and I’ve also long been quite petrified of misreading a guy’s ‘just friends’ signals as something more. So:

1) How does one distinguish between ‘friend’ signals and ‘potential romantic partner’ signals?

2) How does one determine whether someone is flirting/interested when communication is mainly online? I’ve noticed that despite the increasing prevalence of people forming friendships and romantic relationships online (particularly in the nerd/geek community), the topic of ‘reading signals’ from online behaviour is rarely addressed.

3) What happens to flirting dynamics when you’re *both* socially anxious/awkward/generally terrible at the whole dating thing?

Thanks again for a great resource!!

– Avoiding False Positives

DEAR AVOIDING FALSE POSITIVES: As a general rule, the biggest difference between “friend” signals and signaling romantic or sexual interest is, well, sex. Attraction is, after all, a mix of emotional and physical chemistry; if all you you are doing is trying to build an emotional connection while neglecting the physical aspects, then you’re going to have a platonic relationship instead of a sexual one.

Touching is one of the biggest differences; while touchiness and comfort with physical proximity is highly cultural, there are differences in how you touch someone who you’re interested in getting to know as a potential BFF and someone you’re hoping to see naked. For example, while we may let friends into our personal space, we tend to move closer – or allow others to come closer – to us than we would friends and acquaintances; this is known as “intimate” space and it’s usually reserved for very close friends, family members and lovers.

Generally, the more interested someone is in you physically, the more likely they are to move touch up the intimacy ladder. For example, you’re unlikely to sit with your legs pressed against a friend’s legs unless you have no room to space out; however, to a couple looking for some quality naked time, putting your leg against the other person’s – more-so, if you’re sitting across from one another – is a flirting signal. Even the way you lean in can make a difference; a friend isn’t likely to lean into someone in such a way that it presses her breasts against the other person unless the two already have a comfortable and intimate friendship. Similarly, friendly hugs are usually an a-frame – strictly upper body contact while keeping the lower bodies apart. As a general rule, lighter touches, such as gentle brushes with the fingertips, tend to be flirtier than the palm of the hand firmly on the shoulder.

Someone who’s flirting or interested in another person as a potential romantic or sexual partner will also tend to preen and show themselves off a little. Both men and women will make points of adjusting and straightening clothes when they’re interested in someone, as an attempt to fluff up their appearance in hopes of impressing the other person. The hair-toss is a classic sign that women give – not always consciously – because it draws the eye to her face and neck. A man will stand up a little straighter, puff out his chest (and suck in his gut).

Flirting and antagonistic teasing also tends to have more of a sexual edge than basic friendly ribbing. Flirty teases tend to be more challenging rather than just ego-poking; the unspoken message is “show me that you’re worth it” or “I dare you to try”. One of my go-to’s for absolutely intense flirting is to watch Vesper Lynde and James Bond square off on the train to Montenegro in Casino Royale; the tension between the two of them is palpable even as they jab one another.

But the key to picking up on signals is to watch for clusters of signs – signals that come either directly on top of the others or occurring in close proximity. One sign could be anything, so you want to watch for groups of three or four; this is known amongst body language experts as the “rule of four”. This helps you sort the signal from the noise and cut down on false positives. For a geeky example, watch how Han Solo and Leia Organa act and react around each other all throughout The Empire Strikes Back – you’ll see how their teasing is more challenging, how Han closes the distance from social to intimate and how Leia responds to him.

But if you’re unsure or you and the person you’re interested in are both anxious and feeling awkward about the whole thing? Toss subtlety out the window and just use your words. It’s a lot harder to be misunderstood when you tell someone you really like them and want to go on a date/make out/what-have-you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, I’m 27 years old and I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve always been nervous about pushing for anything more than friendship, and to be perfectly honest, I was actually okay with that… Until recently.

I met this woman a few months ago, having relocated to find work, and I feel completely lost. Suddenly, I’m focused on losing weight and exercising, I’m trying to develop better interests, and I spend a lot of time thinking about starting a family.

The problem? She has a boyfriend.

I feel like I’m genuinely in love, but I have no idea what I’m supposed to do or how I’m supposed to act. I see her and her family a lot, since my best friend is married to her best friend. I’ve always been fairly negative about myself, but when I’m around her, that all just disappears. She makes me want to be a better person, but I’m also terrified that it still won’t be enough. I think she likes me well enough as a friend, but I don’t know if I should tell her how I feel, or if I should just keep these feelings bottled up unless she just happens to break up with this guy?

For that matter, having been really overweight when I initially met her, am I just kind of doomed to always fit that initial first-impression?

– A Helpless Romantic

DEAR A HELPLESS ROMANTIC: Dude, you know what’s up here. You’re just hoping I’m going to give you a different answer. She’s got a boyfriend and she’s not giving you any signals. Telling her how you feel isn’t going to change anything except make things unnecessarily awkward and hanging around just “in case” she breaks up with him is a deeply sh

ty thing to do to somebody who thinks you’re her friend.

Look, I get why you’re doing this, even if you’re don’t: you’re chasing after somebody who’s unavailable because they’re safe. You don’t have to worry about having to measure up to a relationship or screwing up and getting dumped because you know on some level that this isn’t going to happen.

Living in hope without expectation of actual fulfillment is considerably less intimidating than having to actually be in a relationship. But being a Nice GuyTM isn’t the answer. If you want to find a relationship, then you need to let go of this unrealizable crush and take some risks, pursuing women who are not just available but actually interested in you. 

Let this one go, man. Holding on is only going to bring you pain and hold you back from achieving your true potential.

You’re on a good path right now, don’t screw that up by getting hung up on someone you know isn’t into you. You can be better than this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am utterly in love with the geek of my dreams. It’s the kind of romance I’ve always dreamed of. We met on a dating website and within five minutes of meeting in person we were chatting as though we had known each other for years. We are equally happy going out to dinner or spending a night in playing video games. We both fell hard and fast and have recently started to look at engagement rings. He is extremely socially awkward and I have a temper, I’m an extrovert and he’s an introvert so the two of us have our share of arguments, but we always manage to work it out. It’s not a perfect relationship, but I tend to describe us as perfect for each other since we balance each other’s flaws exactly as we both need. All in all I’ve never been happier with a partner.

I’m giving all this background because with how excellent things are, I am currently feeling like the worst person in the world. I have a crush on someone that I have only ever met online.

This other person is very different from my boyfriend. Self employed musician and indie comic book publisher. He’s smart and funny and we have engaged in some very light flirting via FB posts. I’ve never seriously hit on him, in fact I’ve flirted harder with my male friends in front of my boyfriend (he’s very secure in the fact that I love him and just happen to have a flirty personality), but the fact that there is this mildly sexual edge made me feel like a douchebag after it happened. I almost feel like it’s safe to flirt with him because we’ve never met in person, but since he is a musician he has invited me to several of his gigs. I think he might not even be aware of my crush since he says when are you and your man coming to see me play? Even if I brought my boyfriend with me I feel like actually meeting this guy in person would be a form of betrayal.

I have no intention of ever cheating on my boyfriend. I love him and am absolutely committed to starting our life together. So why do I have a crush on this other guy? And more importantly how do I make it go away?

The Worst Girlfriend Ever

DEAR WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER: I object to your use of pseudonym, WGE, because honestly? What’s going on here? It’s no big deal.

I want to say this again just so you get it: it’s no big deal.

Back away from the ledge, WGE. You’re not destroying your relationship, you aren’t betraying your boyfriend and, critically, there’s nothing wrong.

You’re dealing with a very popular misconception about love and romance: that being in love with someone, especially being monogamous, means that you don’t ever look at or think about or have sweaty pants-feelings about somebody else. We’re taught to believe that love is all-consuming, that if you love someone you never ever ever think of anyone else at all forever period the end. And that’s just not how humans are wired. Loving somebody doesn’t make you blind and deaf or illiterate and it doesn’t lock your junk up in a room that can only be unlocked by one specific set of genitalia.

You’re still going to see other people and think they’re hot. You’re going to realize you’ve got crazy chemistry with people. You’re going to get inconvenient crushes on other people. That’s part of the glorious human experience. Monogamy just means you choose not to sleep with other people; it doesn’t say a damn thing about not wanting to.

But because we have this social narrative that says being in love means you only ever think of your lover (singular, I might add), as soon as our primate hindbrains rear up and says “hey, that person over there is pretty hot!”, people freak out and assume that something must be drastically wrong with their relationship. Why else would they suddenly be having sweaty naked thoughts about that hot guy at the office? Or, in your case, the hottie you’ve been talking to on Facebook?

Well, like I said: that’s just being a mammal with a libido. That has absolutely nothing to do with the state of your relationship and everything to do with being alive. It happens.

Moreover: just because it happens doesn’t mean that it’s any sort of betrayal. Even if you were to indulge in a little self-lovin’ thinking about this guy, that’s not a betrayal. What goes on in between your ears is yours and yours alone. The only time this becomes an issue is if it’s actually materially affecting your relationship – not in the sense that you’re feeling guilty but in the sense that you’re actually neglecting your relationship with your snugglebunny to give priority to your crush. And from the sound of it: that’s not what’s going on.

I think you’ve got an overactive sense of guilt plaguing you right now and that’s making things worse. In a lot of ways, it’s a self-reinforcing situation; you’re enjoying the frisson of a crush, but you’re feeling guilty about it which makes it taboo and making it taboo makes it even more appealing, which makes it even more enjoyable so you feel even guiltier. The more you obsess about it, the worse it gets because you keep thinking about it.

Here’s what you need to realize: crushes go away on their own. You go about your daily business and you start to realize “hey, I haven’t thought about wozizname in a while. Huh.” And then you keep going about your business.

So what do you do about it? Well, this is going to sound weird but: enjoy it. Crushes are fun. Crushes are harmless, as long as you’re not trying to actually do anything about it. You’re buzzing with energy that only makes things worse by trying to bottle it up when what you should be doing is using it. Take that sexual energy and excitement and channel it back into your relationship. When you’re feeling all keyed up because you’ve had a flirt-session with the musician, grab your boyfriend, drag him back to the bedroom and bang his brains out. Trust me: you two will have some of the most amazing sex of your lives. It’s a win-win situation for everyone involved.

Well. Except for your crush. But that’s kind of the point, isn’t it?

Meanwhile, if you’re really worried about things (you shouldn’t be), then dial things back a little. Be less flirty, be less available on IM. You don’t need to cut him off, just turn it back a notch.

And hey: take your boyfriend and go see one of the dude’s gigs. Then drag your boyfriend into the bathroom and have incredible, nasty concert sex. You’ll both love it.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:   am a 25 year old successful man in a progressive city in America. I’ve been on a few dates (more in the future) with a girl I am very interested in. She is 26 and we connect on large number of things! She is very intelligent, driven, beautiful, etc…

The thing is, I find myself getting really excited about the possibilities, and worry I will become too interested too quickly. Our dates are long 2-4 hours each, and she never cancels postpones, or leaves future dates “open” in terms of scheduling.

My problem: Our dates are pretty infrequent by my previous experience. She’s available once every 7-10 days and is not someone who texts much or talks on the phone. I want to make sure things move in a healthy positive direction, but don’t know how to walk the fine line of being interested but not desperate/too available. Should I just take it easy and let things figure themselves out? Is it wrong that I want to see more of her after 3 dates that went well?

- Overthinking Oliver

DEAR OVERTHINKING OLIVER: Stop overthinking this, my dude.

One of my personal pet-peeves is the idea of “(s)he who cares less, wins” in dating. It teaches people to play bulls

t head games and pretend to be less interested than they actually are because relationships are about power instead of, y’know, feelings. Worse, it makes people confuse actually being interested in someone with being needy and clingy and they end up coming across as “not interested at all”. And it sounds like you’re caught up in that particular trap.

I mean, let’s go over what you just told me. You’re going on long(-ish) dates. You’re having an amazing time together. You’ve got crazy chemistry and you’re connecting on an intellectual and emotional level. She’s giving you every indication that she totally digs you and has fun with you… what in pluperfect hell is the problem again? She sounds awesome. Why wouldn’t you want to see more of her? You should want to see more of someone you’re having an incredible time with.

And trust me: it’s a little difficult to be “too available” when your schedules only synch up once a week. Too available is when you’re clearly dropping everything – even things you should be doing – in order to be with her whenever she wants. When there’s literally only one day a week that both of you are free, that’s not being over-eager, that’s just scheduling. 

Now, I can see the differing communication styles potentially being a problem but hell, that’s how those of us olds who grew up before texting and Snapchat had to date.

Seriously: you’re freaking out over nothing. Take a deep breath, pour yourself a tall glass of chill the frack out and realize that everything is fine. Now that you’re calmer, you know what you need to do: use your words. You want to see more of her? You want to take this someplace more serious – or at least see if it’s got potential? Then you need to use your words. It’s important to make sure you’re on the same page; if she’s thinking this is a casual thing and you’re not, then you need to sort that out sooner rather than later.

But seriously. Calm down. Have a quick talk with her, take it all one date at a time and you’ll be just fine.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a year now and things are going great. My girlfriend doesn’t have a problem with watching pornography and vice versa.

The problem is that recently when I was on a particular chatroom, I ended up having a conversation with a random stranger. They started giving me compliments and it lead to us sexting (without webcams, just text). Now I have no plans on talking to this person ever again, so it was just a one off masturbation session in front of my pc, but is this worse than watching a porn, or even a form of cheating?

One Free Hand

DEAR ONE FREE HAND: Well I will give you this much: what you did is definitely not the same as watching porn. Porn is a one-sided event. You watch the video, maybe interact a little if it’s a Japanese eroge, but ultimately it’s a solo endeavor. There’s you and a box of tissues, that’s it. Porn doesn’t care about getting you off specifically. It’s tossed out to the world for whomever buys it. 

Striking up a sexting session with a stranger, on the other hand, is interactive. There’s another person involved, even when it’s just text back and forth. It’s the difference between watching April O’Neil in a Naughty America video and paying for a one-on-one webcam show where she performs specifically for you.  

It’s not just masturbating, it’s an assisted play session. Someone else is directly contributing to your resulting orgasm.

So no, this isn’t the same as a solo session with the Brazzers site open in a tab with your mouse in one hand and your junk in the other.

Is this a form of cheating? Well that’s where you get into a questionable area.

Some people – and you’ll be hearing from them in the comments – will tell you that yes, that is unequivocally cheating. Some would argue that it’s not that different from going to a strip-club and getting some high-contact lap-dances.  Some will say that because there was no actual contact involved, it’s not quite the same; at the very least, it’s a lesser offense than actually going out and getting a hand-job by somebody in person.

Ultimately it comes down to the arrangement you have with your girlfriend. Some people have complete monogamy – no kissing anyone but your partner, no touching of boobs, butts or genitals, no outside help getting any orgasms at all. Some are more monogamish, where there is somewhat more leeway in what is or isn’t cheating – maybe hands are ok but not oral. Or oral’s cool but no penetration. Some are completely open – not quite anything goes, but within certain restrictions.

Now someone call Sir Mixx-A-Lott because there’s a big but coming…

BUT! 

The key to all of these is that they are negotiated in advance. Going outside those agreed-upon rules means that yes, you’re totally cheating.

Now my recommendation when it comes to issues of “what counts as cheating” is that you discuss this when you have your Defining The Relationship talk. Laying out what you each consider to be within bounds and out of bounds helps ensure that everyone is actually on the same page instead of each party having completely different ideas about what does or doesn’t count.

You didn’t do that.

So what do you do now? Well, let’s put it this way: do you feel that if you were to tell your girlfriend about this, she’d be upset? If so, then yeah, she’s going to consider it cheating and your a

is going to be in trouble.

And to be perfectly honest, it’s not an unreasonable thing to be upset about. It’s not what I would consider a relationship-destroying event, but it’s definitely something that would put you in the doghouse until your girlfriend decided to forgive you. Now, maybe she wouldn’t consider it cheating. You don’t know until you’ve talked with her. Maybe it could be a way of firming up relationship rules and boundaries.

So ultimately, if you want a definitive answer: ask your girlfriend.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  Some background before I get onto the playground: I’m a sophomore in college, wrapping up my second year. I’m fairly heavily introverted, and I tend to relegate my free time to online gaming, which is more socially manageable. At least that’s what I tell myself.

About three years ago, I was introduced to a female gamer, “Player X,” by a male online acquaintance of ours, “Player Y.” Unfortunately, it was at a time when I was headed out the door as far as online activity goes. I had just finished high school and gotten a crummy full time job until college. For all intents and purposes, I dropped off of Player X’s radar for two years. During that time, she developed a close friendship with Player Y, although they don’t call it more than that.

At the start of my sophomore year, I got back into the gaming scene with the release of the sequel to the popular MMORPG that we played. I reconnected with Players X and Y, and we’ve been doing online activities together almost daily for the past nine months or so. I’ve really taken a liking to her, and I awkwardly let them both know, individually, in December. Player X didn’t confess a reciprocation or flat out reject me in the moment, and she seems to have taken it well. However, Player Y finally admitted to me that he also has feelings for her; he’s apparently been patiently waiting for her to turn to him in a romantic sense all this time. My relationship with Player Y has been strained since then.

In the past months, Player X and I have become somewhat closer at the expense of my friendship with Player Y. He’s somewhat jealous and controlling, which has led to the formation of a certain distance between the two of them. They recently “patched things up” after a lengthy ordeal that hasn’t fully resolved. I’m worried that their relationship is unhealthy, but I went out of my way to support her by letting her know that I was ok with him being around if that’s what she wants. It’s difficult because I can be passive aggressive about these things.

In June, Player X graduates from college. I don’t know how available she will be for online activities, and I’m guessing that she probably doesn’t either. She’s got her whole life ahead of her, after all. Nevertheless, I feel like I’m approaching this unfathomable cliff as time rolls on. She’s shared a decent amount of her personal life with me up to this point, but she’s held onto her anonymity this entire time. Somewhere along the lines, it got into my head that I could blink and she’d be gone. I’ve asked about contact information previously on a similar matter (I was going to be away for work for a couple of weeks), and she gave me an email address associated with her online pseudonym, keeping her identity on the quiet side. Neither of which were comforting but accepted.

Lately, I’ve been wanting to talk to Player X about slowly moving our friendship from online to offline. I want to meet her someday for lunch, drinks, a concert, dancing, etc. I don’t know where to begin to communicate any of this with her without potentially pushing her away. I’ve been working on building trust and stability between the two of us, but it hasn’t been easy with her attention divided between Player Y and me. The whole thing seems like a mess when you get down to the details, and there’s days when I feel like walking away from it all. However, spending time with her has become an integral part of my life, and it I don’t want to give it up. Any advice you have would be welcome.

Thanks for your time,

Ready Player None

DEAR READY PLAYER NONE: I hate to say it, but you’re not playing the game you think you are.  You think you’re on the road to romance with the mysterious Player X. You’re working under the idea that every time Player Y comes into the chat room with the two of you, somebody’s just stepped up, slapped down his quarters and he’s competing with you for the hand of Player X.

In reality… not so much.

You and Player Y aren’t in competition here because a) women aren’t a prize to be won and b) she doesn’t want to take things offline.

Sorry.

I hate to be the one to tell you this but if X was interested in getting in contact with you out in the real world, she wouldn’t still be holding off on giving you her real name or a burner email account that’s not connected to her real-world identity. You’ve been hanging out with her and your buddy/rival Y for the last 9 months – that’s more than enough time for her to get comfortable enough with you to at least give you her first name, which she hasn’t. This should be your big clue as to where this is all going. She has made the conscious decision to keep you at a few steps removed from her real life. You’re not Facebook friends, you don’t follow each other on Twitter or Spotify. You just have the game. And that’s where she wants to leave it.

Maybe she has reasons. Maybe the Player X you know is a fiction, a persona. Maybe she’s had a bad experience with stalkers. Or maybe she doesn’t want to encourage your crush but doesn’t want to hurt you by outright rejecting you either.

This has nothing to do with her relationship – platonic or otherwise – with Player Y; this has everything to do with the fact that you’re a gaming buddy, maybe a Guild-y but that’s it. Even if Player Y were to suddenly disappear in a cloud of logic and sulfur, Player X just isn’t into you. If she were even slightly interested in being more than a gaming bud – even just platonic friends –  you’d know more than her handle. But you don’t. And that, ultimately, is that.

(And as an aside: Player Y isn’t exactly covering himself in glory by waiting for her feelings to turn romantic. He’s likely going to be waiting a long, long time.)

The best thing you could do is accept this and move on. There will be other women – women who want to actually get to know you in real life and actually go do date-type things out in the real world instead of in the Searing Gorge.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)