DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time lurker, first time writer here. I’m a college boy dating a fellow student that we’ll call J. I’ve dated only a few times in the past, mostly out of shyness, but never consistently until I met her. We’ve been going out for a bit more than a year now, and I’ve never been happier. She’s the kindest, smartest, most caring person I know, and I love every moment we spend together. But a few years ago, before I met her, J was diagnosed with lupus, an incurable disease that has a number of awful, sometimes visible side-effects including hair loss, facial rashes, mood swings, and joint pain. Most of the noticeable side-effects have lessened in severity with a combination of time and medication, but they’re still there, and will always be a part of her life. Add the fact that one of her old medications made her gain some weight that she’s still working on losing, and it understandably left J with very low self-esteem.

We’re both in the same major and she does consistently better than most of the students, including myself, in every class we share, but she tells me that she’s not that smart, or that she’s just a good guesser and didn’t really deserve the good grades she’s earned. Whenever we start to get intimate, she always apologizes profusely for her inflexibility and stretch marks, things that I honestly couldn’t give a damn about when she shoves me onto my bed with that irresistible, wicked smirk and starts riding me like a Harley. And when I tell her as much, she says that I don’t have to pretend not to notice them to make her feel better, but thanks me for trying anyway. Recently she told me that I’m too good for her, that she doesn’t deserve me, and that she’s just waiting for the day I’ll get tired of her problems and leave her. I have no idea how I stopped myself from crying when I first heard that, and I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t even sniffle by the fourth time J said it.

I will never, ever claim to know what this horrible disease has put her through, but I have dealt with my own self-esteem issues before, so I have no delusions that I can just “fix” her in a week with the power of love and compliments. But J isn’t broken, she isn’t a failure, she isn’t a problem, and even if she did lose her hair again, I would still think she’s just as beautiful as she is today. I guess what I’d like is some way to help let J see herself the way I see her. Not to “cure” her of her low self-esteem, but just to let her know that I love her, and that I think she’s a charming, sexy, intelligent, and just overall brilliant woman, no matter what her stupid immune system has to say about it.

Thank you,

Livin’ La Vida Lupus

DEAR LIVIN’ LA VIDA LUPUS: Damn it, LLVL, this is the first time in my career that I have the opportunity to make a “It’s Not Lupus” joke and you have to undercut me by making it a serious, emotionally tense issue.

But. Y’know. It’s not lupus. It’s the way that society teaches women that they’re only valuable when they’re beautiful and sexual and to downplay their own accomplishments, lest they seem immodest.

Let’s take Hermione, for example. Part of what made her a revolutionary character in YA fiction isn’t that she’s brilliant; it’s that she’s brilliant and doesn’t hide it. She’s smart, she knows she’s smart and it’s just how she is. Girls are taught over and over again that being visibly competent is a bad thing and that things like intelligence or talent are things to be apologized for or hand-waved away. Hell, you can see it with all the BS about Rey from The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi being a Mary Sue because she’s following the same arc as Luke Skywalker.

Having flaws are acceptable as long as they’re minor or quirky. Serious issues like, say, hair-loss – and not “gives you a beautiful shaved scalp” hair loss but “falling out in uneven clumps in the shower” hair loss – are hard to accept. Doubly so considering how much stock is put in gender presentation for women by having long, flowing locks of hair.

Your girlfriend has, in all likelihood, been hearing trash all her life about not showing off or being a know-it-all or being too proud or vain. And when she’s suddenly “deficient” (for suitably false definitions of deficient) in the areas where women are supposed to excel (but it’s better if they don’t realize it – looking at YOU, One Direction…). Mix that in with the difficulties of dating in general when you have a chronic condition, the literal pain of said condition, already existing low-self-esteem issues and… yeah, it’s going to seriously mess up somebody’s view of themselves.

But you know all that already. The big question right now is: what do you do?

Well, part of it is: tell her all the things that you just told me. She needs to hear all of that. But you also don’t – and shouldn’t – pretend that her flaws aren’t there. She knows you see them and pretending they don’t exist (which is what she thinks you’re doing) doesn’t help. Instead, acknowledge them but point out that they’re part of her and part of what makes her the person you love. She wouldn’t be who she is right now – the person you have chosen to be with – without all these component parts that add up to a bigger whole. Tell her this. Tell her this regularly, not just with words but with your actions and behavior. Holding her and telling her you care, quietly helping when she needs it, being her support when times are difficult, giving her space when she needs that instead… all those little ways of letting her know you’re there for her add up over time.

The other thing is to not lie. She believes you’re lying to make her feel better when you say that you’re OK with all of this. And just to be honest: yeah, dating somebody with a chronic condition can be hard. It can be frustrating. It can be tiring. And you feel like an asshole for feeling that way. But the fact is, even for those times when it is frustrating or exhausting, it’s ok because she’s worth it all to you. Hearing that moment of honesty from you might help it sink in that you’re not sticking things out until you can find an exit strategy, you’re in it because you want her, specifically.

I know that the traditional response is to quote Shakespeare’s sonnet 130, but I think that a better idea might be to acquaint her with the concept of kintsugi – repairing lacquerware and pottery in such a way that illuminates the breakage and repair instead of hiding it, usually by filling the cracks with gold or silver. It treats the process of repair as part of what makes the object unique and special by acknowledging it’s history. Your girlfriend isn’t broken by any stretch of the imagination, but she feels like she is. She has a condition and it sucks and pretending that it’s not there doesn’t help… but it also doesn’t make her less beautiful or desirable or special.

You know this. I know this. She needs to know this. Tell her.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’ve got a very…odd situation with a woman friend that I’m “sort of” seeing. Let’s call her Alex. We’re not at the point of kissing, but our nights out and conversations tend to be somewhat more intimate than what would be expected of friends around here. She has a girlfriend but both she and Alex say they potentially wouldn’t mind a three-person relationship).

That’s not the situation I’m referring to here though.

Basically, Alex hates receiving compliments of any kind. And not in the sense that “oh she gets so embarrassed and flustered and blushes and she’s so damn cute I can’t help but tease her.”

I mean, she legitimately gets pissed off when someone compliments her for anything. Her personal rule is: If you want to compliment or praise her for something she accomplished, you have to have been there with her and witnessed her accomplishment first-hand. If you weren’t there and you try to compliment her, she reacts like she’s being sucked up to, that someone can’t truly appreciate or properly be impressed with her accomplishment because they weren’t there to see it themselves.

So…Yeah. She’s been described as coming from an alternate universe where compliments are insults.

I’m not going to speculate about whether she’s been diagnosed with anything, that would just be shitty. I simply consider it a personality quirk that I have to keep in mind if I want to be with her. And she’s not really meant to be the focus of this question; I’m more curious about the challenge it represents.

Namely, what non-verbal ways are there to show your appreciation and respect for someone and all they’ve done, but without simply complimenting her with “Good job!” or stuff like that? Again, we aren’t quite boyfriend/girlfriend yet, so I assume extravagant gifts and expensive fancy restaurants wouldn’t be appropriate. Despite how it may sound, our relationship is certainly not toxic. She has never tried to dictate or control what I say to her, and she has respected my own personal quirks as well. She’s simply made it clear what she likes and what she hates in regards to people speaking to her, but otherwise she has no interest in trying to force anyone to say or do anything.

Really interested in what you have to suggest, as well as what any of the site’s commenters can come up with.

Doesn’t Mind The Quirks.

DEAR DOESN’T MIND THE QUIRKS: That is… an interesting outlook on life, I guess? It kind of seems like a fun-house mirror version of the issue I mentioned in my response to LLVL – trying to avoid praise but feeling like accepting “undeserved” praise means you’re being immodest or conceited. Y’know. If you squint.

Well, she’s pretty much told you what the secret is: praise or compliment her for the things you do see or that she does for you. 

Failing that, if she can’t handle being praised, then simply make it about you. You appreciate what she’s done  – it was a great help, it’s something you hadn’t seen or experienced or thought of before, etc. The other option is to focus on the achievement itself, rather than the fact that she did it – especially if you can see the results in some way, shape or form. Thus, you’re saying that $THING is really cool in and of itself, however it happened or that other people must have appreciated that someone went through the trouble to do $THING or that $THING must have been difficult or challenging and it’s pretty impressive that it was accomplished. You’re basically paying a bank-shot compliment; the final result was cool or appreciated or what-have-you, with the unstated “…and you’re cool for having done it” hanging invisibly but making it’s presence known like perfume in the air.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a gay man in a relationship with long-term potential. I love my boyfriend so very much, for so many reasons. I want him to be a part of my life until death. I’ve been with my boyfriend for going on 2 years, but it seems as though some things in my mind have changed. At this point in time, I’m kind of lost with what to do and how to respond to those changes that have a direct affect on him.

Firstly, I’d like to let it be known that I am not a fan of homosexual sex, but I definitely am gay. I told him all this in the beginning, but I went that extra mile for him because I love him and wanted him to be happy. A couple months in I couldn’t bear it anymore and it needed to stop, so at that point we would only do so much, and not frequently because I don’t really enjoy it. A little bit further in time and now we don’t really do it at all, it stresses me out to much and makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious. This has led me to believe that I am somewhat asexual. I expressed this to him and he understood, now there is a clear line between what we can do and not do, but he is unhappy with the lack of sex mostly because he feels like he’s missing out on life.

I was fairly attracted to my boyfriend in the beginning, but we have both physically changed quite a bit and now, I am no longer sexually attracted to him and it might be the reason why I can’t do anything at all anymore. This may be why it stresses me out so much.

Lastly, I’ve discovered that although I love my boyfriend and will certainly always put him at the top of my priorities, I genuinely enjoy flirting with others and getting to know them. I don’t care to kiss and obviously sexual, but the process of getting to know somebody and that period of flirting feels so great. I’ve started to believe now that I might have a desire to be polyamorous, something he is totally not on board with.

I feel bad, I feel like I’m hurting him with these desires and lack of sexuality, it’s not fair to him. I’ve offered to bargain but he wants this idealistic stereotypical standard definition monogomous relationship and he loves me but not more than he loves what a monogomous relationship is.

We’ve discussed breaking up, a possible solution but we love each other and shouldn’t have to put our relationship down over it. I’ve also brought up an open relationship so he can hook up with others but he doesn’t want it.

I am at a loss for what to do, I dont want to hurt him or waste his time but I love him and don’t want to loose him. He wants what he wants without any changes and I’m afraid that if I commit to him that it would destroy us as well as our relationship.

I don’t want to burn this amazing bridge that we’ve built, but my desires have changed so much and he doesn’t share them.

Thank you!

Mid-Relationship Crisis

DEAR MID-RELATIONSHIP CRISIS: There’s a trope in our culture that’s become somewhat universal, MRC, and I kind of hate it: the idea that love is the only thing you need to make a relationship work. It makes for memorable pop songs (and bad poetry) but poor relationships. Love is a cornerstone to a relationship’s long-term success, yes, but it’s not the ONLY factor. Nor, for that matter, is it the most crucial one. Mutual respect, compatible lifestyles, beliefs and goals, and of course, sexual compatibility are all vital for making a relationship work.

But there’s another factor that nobody ever really talks about: the fact that people change and grow and the way that affects the relationship. Humans are protean creatures; we’re never the same person from one minute to the next and sometimes those changes mean that what works for you now may not work in the future.

When we don’t acknowledge that those changes happen, we make it harder for the relationship to grow and change with us. Relationships are living things too, and the ones that last in the long term are the ones that are flexible enough to change as the people involved in them do too.

This is no small part about what’s happened with you and your boyfriend, MRC. The things that brought you together in the beginning are great… but you’re not the same person you were when this relationship started. And in fairness: you warned your boyfriend up front that you’re not a sexual person. You were willing to give it the old college try for his sake but at the end of the day, this was simply something you couldn’t do any more. And while it’s true any physical changes that come with both time and settling down may have affected your willingness to keep trying, it sounds more like you’ve just reached a point where you just couldn’t any more.

And that’s real. That’s valid. While it’s good to be what Dan Savage calls Good (in bed), Giving (of pleasure) and Game (to try things, within reason), there’s also a point where you have to be willing to admit to yourself that you just can’t do some things. And for you, that may well be sex.

The other issue at hand is the that while you may be asexual – and I suggest you check out the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network – you’re not necessarily aromantic. In fact you, like many people, thrive best with the thrill of what the poly community calls New Relationship Energy. You love the emotional excitement of flirting and the novelty of a new partner, even if you’re not necessarily getting a sexual charge out of it. And again: that’s valid. That’s part of who you are. If that’s the sort of dynamic you need in your relationships to be happy, then hey, you do you, my dude.

But the things that you need to be happy in a relationship aren’t the things that your boyfriend needs. He wants a sexual connection with the person he’s in love with. He’s a happy monogomist. These are also real, valid and good. The problem is that… well, these are things that you can’t give him. You’ve tried to find compromises that worked for both of you and that hasn’t worked out either. That doesn’t make you a bad guy any more than it makes him the bad guy for not being able to be happy with what you can give him. It just means that you two may well legitimately love one another… but you simply can’t give each other what you need to be happy. Which sucks.

It’s always sad when a relationship can be loving and committed but still not work in the long term.

However, this leads to another destructive relationship trope: that a relationship that doesn’t last a lifetime is somehow bad or inferior. We’re awash in stories about Happily Ever After and loves that last Until Death Do We Part, and treat the ones that end in break-ups as tragedies. This is actually both sad and incredibly unrealistic. In promoting the idea that the only love that counts is the one that ends with one of you dying in the saddle, we devalue relationships that are loving and rewarding and short. While it’s a shame that the two of you need different things in a relationship, that doesn’t mean that you’ve wasted two years of your life. I’d say it’s quite the opposite: you two had two great years together. To quote the sage: one year of love is better than a lifetime alone. If the two of you have to end things – and I’m going to be honest, that’s where this is going – then if you can look back on your time together with fondness and hold on to the affection and respect you had for one another? Then that relationship is a success in my book. The fact that you didn’t leave the relationship feet first doesn’t negate all the good that you two had together.

I wish I had better advice for you, but the fact is, you’re right, MRC: trying to commit to what he needs will break the two of you. You’re trying to make the proverbial square peg fit into a round hole. Trying to make the relationship work out of some desire to prove that it can work, even when your basic needs are different, is a great way to foster bitterness and resentment. It’s better to part now, when you still have those positive feelings for one another, than trying to ride the relationship into the ground in an attempt to defy gravity.

But again: the fact that it seems like a break-up is in your future doesn’t mean that the relationship failed, or that your time was wasted. Not every relationship needs to be for a lifetime to be valid; not every commitment needs to be unto death in order to be sincere and real. As I’m always fond of saying: not every love story needs to be an epic poem. Some of them are only ever meant to be short stories. Some are just meant to be a dirty limerick. And that’s fine.

What’s not fine is trying to force yourself to be happy with something that, ultimately, you can’t be happy with. If you want to hold on to your love for your boyfriend… you’re going to have to let go of your relationship with him.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I never thought I’d say this, but I think I’m getting too comfortable being single. And that is not code for “I’m having all the casual sex” – since breaking up with my ex about eight months ago, I haven’t had any sex at all, and while I would like to I’ve mostly just been thinking of other things. I’ve been working on my life and enjoying experiences I wasn’t able to enjoy during my previous relationship; I have hobbies, take classes, got a new job, lost about 30 kg/66 pounds, and am really enjoying life.

For context: I’m 27, and my last partner (~2 year relationship) had serious jealousy issues after one of her exes cheated on her. She was very insecure and very, very controlling of me, to the point where I lost touch with all the friends I had had before because soothing her anxiety that I was cheating on her when I was just hanging out with friends was exhausting, and I ended up living in fear of her exploding at me if I glanced the wrong way at a woman on a billboard. She always wanted me paying attention to her, so my ability to pursue any of my hobbies collapsed, and she looked down on the hobbies I tried to maintain anyway. And she didn’t like my dietary habits, and guilted me into eat things I wasn’t comfortable eating in quantities I knew weren’t good for me, sometimes because she thought I “needed” it (I don’t need giant buttered potatoes on the regular, thanks) and sometimes because she wanted to eat something she knew wasn’t healthy but didn’t want to feel like I was judging her by not partaking. Those 30 kg I’ve lost? They weren’t there before the relationship.

So now I’m single and I don’t need to make any compromises any more. I have all the autonomy I never had in my last relationship, I can pursue any hobbies or interests I want, I can take classes and volunteer and go to community events, I can eat what makes me feel healthy and happy, and I can interact normally with other human beings without feeling like I’m being evaluated for signs of betrayal. It’s great!

It’s so great that when I recently started looking into the dating pool again, when I meet women who seem nice, I start to get really really hesitant. I do want to have someone I can share an intimate emotional bond with, and I do miss having a sexual partner, but I feel like I would end up having to close up shop in the rest of my life and submit myself to constant scrutiny if I started another relationship.

I know not everybody is my ex, but damned if it isn’t hard to feel like any relationship I get into will inevitably end up making me cut off some piece or another of my life that helps me feel fulfilled and happy now. And to some extent that’s okay – I imagine you’re trading some autonomy and space for the security and joy of a happy partnership. But I’m at a place now where I’m concerned the price is going to be too steep no matter who I end up with, and I know this isn’t a healthy place for my mind to be sitting. How can I be more thoughtful in pursuing relationships that won’t screw up my entire life, while also managing my expectations for how much compromise I’m going to need to make if I want a partner again?

Slap some sense into me with your nicely framed diploma, Doc.

-Too Happily Single

DEAR TOO HAPPILY SINGLE: There’s nothing wrong with enjoying being single for a while, THS. Hell, there’s nothing wrong with wanting strictly casual relationships if that’s your thing. If you just want to go live your own life and not have to worry about trying to fit another person into it, then by all means, you do you. That’s totally fair.

However, I would caution you against cutting yourself off from relationships out of fear of every woman being like your ex. Don’t get me wrong, I totally get why you feel the way you do. I’ve been in toxic relationships before that left me gun-shy for quite a while. It can take some time to undo the whammy your ex put on you and recognize that not everyone is like her. But you can get past it, if you’re willing to try.

So here’s what I’d suggest for you: take some time to just live your life. Date casually, with no expectation of commitment. Have no-strings sex if that’s what you want, or dates that are about going out and doing things together rather than looking to sharing your life with someone. But while you’re enjoying your life, just… pay attention. Notice how different these women are from your ex and how they’re not making demands of you. That’s all.

It’s true that there’s no settling down without settling for – if you’re going to share your life with someone, that means sharing their life too and making compromises. But by the same token, that doesn’t mean that you’re giving up your autonomy; it just means that you’re making different choices with your time because you care about your partner. That’s all. Yeah, it can take work, but it’s also not hard labor either.

But it’s totally ok if you’re not ready to date like that again. And hey, if you’re happy never doing that again, then you do you; that’s valid. Take some “me” time, let yourself recover and just live your life. You’ll know when – and if – you’re ready to date again.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was in a relationship with a woman that lasted for two years (including a year of living together until financial obstacles ended that arrangement) and then a further two years of on-again-off-again. Most of the time, I was the one who ended things, until recently. The most recent started when we had gone to meet some friends of mine at a women-only gay bar that was having an open night for guys. While I was in the bathroom, my girlfriend had kissed another woman. When I confronted her about it, gently letting her know that although we hadn’t discussed our situation properly, I considered that close to infidelity. She said she thought she might be lesbian, something I was aware had been a possibility before we got together all those years ago. I had even prided myself on “turning her”, dumb as that sounds (we had joked about it).

Now, to be honest, I felt relief, believing that what was obviously not a sustainable relationship could now be ended through circumstances beyond our control. I offered to remain friends. And we did, for a while, until I started feeling like our dynamic seemed unchanged except for the absence of intimacy. I told her that I wanted to scale back our friendship and that I could not be relied on to be her go-to source of comfort and validation. She made it clear that she wasn’t interested in meeting up once in a blue moon and hanging out superficially, so we agreed to keep our distance.

And then things got bad. Due to both missing her, family problems and some escalating drug and alcohol use, I got what I’m pretty sure in retrospect could be classified as depressed. So when we bumped into each other in a bar a few months later and started hooking up again, I foolishly told myself that it was on again and all my problems would be solved. She did give me plenty of signs and indications that she didn’t want to keep hooking up until I finally took the hint. At the time I felt like she was ghosting me as if I was a persistent Tinder-date, and I resented her for not having “had the guts” to say it explicitly. Now, I realize I should have understood the situation (or rather, admitted to myself what was going on), and that I had no right dumping mye mental issues on her. So I stayed clear, avoided gatherings with mutual friends and cut off contact.

Then she got a boyfriend. My lesbian ex-girlfriend found a handsome, adventurous, charismatic, man’s-man boyfriend who she started a long-distance relationship with. This caused a personal crisis in masculinity on my part. Even though I knew that sexuality is a fluid and difficult thing that’s rarely black-and-white, even though I knew we had slept together after her coming out, it made me feel incredibly emasculated. Hearing hints and tidbits of information from mutual friends (who on the whole tried to not mention either of us to the other), taught me more than I probably needed to know about her sexual experiences with women and her relationship with him.

When they broke up, circumstances had changed for me and life seemed a lot better. I had a new job and was hanging out with a larger group of really great people, including our mutual friends. I felt ready to start meeting her again and catching up like old friends. However, her break-up being very recent, those conversations revolved around him, for which she apologized several times.

So here’s the rub, Doc, if you’re still with me. Cognitively, I know that her sexuality is her own business, and her experiences both sexual, romantic and otherwise have nothing to do with me or my own insecurities. I know that the characteristics of my “successor” do not diminish my qualities or impact on her life. I know that passing judgment (on either myself or her) after the end of our relationship is toxic BS.

But even though I’m not really heartbroken anymore, I can’t shake this feeling of emasculation. Of being the Best Actor in a Supporting Role, rather than the romantic lead in the movie of her life. Meeting her again, I realize that we are incompatible, and that all I really have left is a sort of muted affection – but the jealousy and insecurities and the need to prove my manhood bubble up.

So what did I miss? How do you move on from knowing that you’re projecting, that there’s this black little cloud inside you making these Madonna-Whore intrusive thoughts burst through? How do you find long-term interest in someone else when there’s this constant voice telling you to “re-conquer” your ex so you can validate your identity as a man?

How do you turn that knowledge into practical change?

Sincerely, 

A Neutered Housecat

DEAR NEUTERED HOUSECAT: Here’s what you’re missing: your ex’s new squeeze – no matter their gender, no matter how stereotypical they are in their presentation or not – has nothing to do with you. Your reaction, on the other hand, totally does.

The reason that this is tripping you up is that you seem really hung up on her sexuality. Yeah, you may be joking with her about how you “turned” her, but let’s be real: you were doing the “joking-but-not-really” bit. Yeah. it’s something you chuckle about but it’s also something you’re quietly proud of.

Now allow me to disabuse you of this notion.

No, you didn’t turn her. You didn’t “turn” anyone. Sexuality is a spectrum and a sliding scale at that and when a person’s junk is involved, logic goes out the window. There are men and women at the far ends of the Kinsey scale who have found times that suddenly there’s this person who gives them sweaty thoughts and sticky dreams… and they’re absolutely not their preferred gender. Gay men suddenly realize they’re into a woman, straight men realize they can’t stop thinking about how soft another guy’s lips may be and lesbians realize that the person they’re fantasizing about is dude. Sometimes it’s a case of finding out that they’re more bisexual than they realized. Other times, it’s literally a single-target sexuality; that person is the exception to their sexual preference for whatever reason.

So the fact that you dated someone who was lesbian-identified or bi-curious didn’t “change” her sexuality or turn her, it just meant that there was something about you that she dug. Maybe you were an exception, maybe she was bi, who knows. But the issue is in how you made her sexual identity so front and center of things. That’s part of why Dirk Chestmeat is so challenging to you. If you were sleeping with a lesbian, it meant that you were special. But once Dirk Chestmeat was in the picture… well hell, then he must be even more special than you were. Your magic wand is clearly less potent than his blasting stick because your lesbian ex is with the butchest hunk of man-meat she could find.

This is why it’s bugging you so much. You’re wanting to plant your flag again – as it were – because you want to reaffirm that you were the one who “changed” her. It’s not her specifically, it’s what she represents. Until she banged out with another dude post-coming-out, you were ANH: The Lesbian Whisperer. And now that Crunch ButtSteak came on the scene, it diminishes you. Either you weren’t that special to begin with, or if you “turned” her, then he super-duper turned her.

But here’s the thing: you were never in the mix. I can all but guarantee you that when she started sleeping with Biff Hardcheese, you were the furthest thing from her mind. She wasn’t weighing his manliness against yours. She was with him because she wanted to be with him, specifically. Just as she wasn’t sleeping with you despite her sexuality because you’re just that manly, she was sleeping you because she liked you.

I say this with all sincerity and absolutely no sarcasm:  it’s hard to process that you’re not the center of her universe, especially when she’s still the center of yours. You were a part of her life, but you weren’t her entire life. She wasn’t thinking about you when she decided to go date Slab Squatthrust, she’s thinking that there’s something about him that appeals to her. Maybe she dug his masculine energy. Perhaps he sings a beautiful tenor. Maybe he had hidden depths that you don’t see. Maybe he can lick his eyebrows and breathe through his ears. Here’s the thing: you don’t f

king know because you’re not there. Doesn’t even matter what your mutuals told you; they don’t know the full story either, and they weren’t getting the full story either.

So what do you do? You let this go. You stop digging into the wound that is her sleeping with other people, you stop paying attention to her sexploits and you just handle your shit. Quit treating getting up in her as “planting a flag” or otherwise validating anything about you. Make up your own closure and stop letting absurd ideas about sexuality define the strength of your masculinity. Her sexuality has nothing to do with yours and the sooner you accept that, the happier you’ll be.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a divorced father of 2 kids. I started dating my current girlfriend – call her R –  about a year after my ex and I split.  We’ve been together for about a year and a half now, and I’m wondering how to proceed… 

When we first met and R learned I had kids, she expressed no interest whatsoever in having kids of her own, or really wanting anything to do with mine.  She doesn’t hate kids, like some Disney villain, she’s just not interested.  

Because we had started pretty casually, I was fine with that, and just implemented a very clear separation.  I wasn’t planning for it to be long term, wasn’t looking to get remarried or find a “new mom” for them.  

We agreed that any time I was with the kids – usually a couple times a week – she just wouldn’t be around.  R was eventually introduced to them as a friend of mine in a very large social setting, and they like her fine, see her every once in a while, but it’s never been more than that.

That’s gone on successfully for over a year and a half now.  When I had my boys, we’d do father/son stuff.  When the kids were with their mom, R and I would get together and go out dancing, dinner dates, good sex, trips together, lazy days binge watching Netflix.  She gets along well with my friends and the small family I have in the area…all in all we’ve been having a great if somewhat superficial time together. 

I’m the kind of person who doesn’t mind alone time.  In fact as something of an introvert, I need it to recharge.  But R eventually started to resent the time we are apart – though she didn’t say anything at first.  And because she never said anything about it, I just kind of assumed she was okay doing her own thing on the days or weekends I was with my kids.

Recently we had a big talk about The Future, and Where This is Going, and R said she was having trouble dealing with the time apart.  She didn’t like not being allowed to come over when I had the kids, or having to plan our activities around them.  She said it wasn’t fair that when we weren’t together, I had them and she had no one else.

So she asked to start getting more involved in their life and to slowly start coming over and being around us as a family more.  And that’s where I’m stuck.

R’s fundamental position hasn’t really changed.  It’s not as if she suddenly likes kids, or wants to help raise mine – she doesn’t.  I suspect that she wouldn’t even really be around that much, and it’s more of a situation where she just wants the option.

I’m afraid of letting R get close to them and them getting attached and then her deciding it’s too much and bailing, or of the kids making requests that she’s not prepared to deliver on.  I also don’t want to have to split my attention between her and the boys when we are all together.

And lastly, I LIKE the arrangement we have now, though I do recognize it’s not exactly equitable on both sides.  I get the best of both worlds, while she’s being told she has to keep her distance when the kids are around.  

My marriage fell apart in large part because I gave up a lot for my partner and ended up resenting it.  I almost never got what I wanted and just went along with it because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do as a husband and it ultimately created a very toxic situation.  So now my instinct is to say “What we have now is all I am prepared to offer.  If it’s not good enough, I understand, and I wish you the best.”0

Should I stick to my guns, or try incorporating her into my kids’ life and see?  Am I being over protective of the boys?  Or am I just using them as an excuse to keep things casual with her even though she wants something more serious?  Is she too needy?  Or am I being selfish?  All of these things at once?

Sincerely,

Somewhat Stuck

DEAR SOMEWHAT STUCK: Here’s the thing about dating as a single parent, SS: your kids come first. They’re going to get the lion’s share of your time. The decisions about who you date and the way your relationship is going to progress basically has to go through the filter of “how will this affect my children?” This is why it’s generally not a good idea to introduce one’s current squeeze to the kids until things are getting serious. Like, long-term commitment serious.

This is doubly true if they’re old enough to form solid memories – around 5 or 6 years. You don’t mention how old your kids are, but the younger they are, the more likely it is that they’ll be hurt if they bond with her and then she suddenly leaves. That ain’t fair to them. So setting a fairly clear line between your relationship with someone and your relationship with your kids at first is pretty good parenting over all. It may not be fair to your girlfriend, but your kids come before everything else.

I have a certain amount of sympathy for the frustration of a partner having to give up time with her new squeeze for someone else but frankly, that’s part of the price of entry for dating a single parent. It comes with the territory and it’s something you have to accept is going to be a permanent part of the relationship.

This is why some of the things in your letter set my Spidey-sense tingling. It doesn’t seem as though she accepts that your kids are more than inconveniences. And when she says things like “It’s not fair because you have your kids and I don’t have anyone”… well, that’s when my Spidey-sense goes from tingling to car-alarm levels. That strikes me as being really unhealthy. Neither does the part of “well I don’t actually want to spend time with your children, I just like having the option.” That… doesn’t strike me as being terribly healthy for you, your kids or your relationship.

And I have a question for you: why are you dating someone who seemingly just tolerates you having kids? Children aren’t something you can compromise on. They’re a vital part of who you are. It’s not like she can reasonably say “ok, I tried being a parent, it didn’t work, time to send them back,” nor can she really just leave it all to you. Being neutral on your kids isn’t that much of a step up from “definitely doesn’t like them”; benign emotional neglect is still neglect. Kids are emotional creatures and when a parental figure doesn’t love them back, that can really hurt.

I get that you like her, but I’m going to be blunt here: I think R is the wrong person for a serious relationship. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting children, but that’s not something that can co-exist with a serious relationship with a single parent. A serious relationship with a single parent is a “love me, love my kids” situation… and your squeeze doesn’t. That’s pretty much the definition of a dealbreaker.

Plus, it doesn’t sound like you want something more serious. That may be selfish, but you aren’t obligated to get serious with someone just because they want it. It may mean having to end the relationship, but it’s better to end things and let everyone find a relationship that they do want then try to shove square pegs into round holes.

If I were you, I’d be asking myself some serious questions about the future of this relationship, SS. As it is: stick to your guns.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)