DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a freshman in college with little dating experience, and I could use some advice on a situation I don’t know how to read.

So a little while back I met this girl at a team party (school sports) and it was one of those instant attraction types of things; for whatever reason I was just really into her right off the bat. Nothing happened that night, we just talked and flirted a bit (didn’t get a number, damn.) but I enjoyed myself. This was right before winter break so there was no real opportunity to keep up emotional momentum and I filed her away into the “nice girl, glad I met her” category. 

Anyways, the first time I saw her after break was at another team event. This time a day trip where we just all had some fun times and chilled out. Again, we flirted and got on well, I was really enjoying myself. After the trip some of us met up at a party later in the evening and there we shared a brief but sweet make-out session. I got her number and things were going great, but after this point that she got considerably more difficult to read.

I texted her the next morning and she seemed kinda cold and stand-offish. I didn’t really try to milk it and figured she had enjoyed last night but didn’t want anything else. That was that.

A week or so later I got a text asking me to go out to the club (I’m Canadian, so drinking age is lower) with her and a few of her girlfriends, unfortunately I wasn’t able to go but made sure to mention that I’d love to get together some other time. Anyways, I texted her the next morning asking her how the night was etc. and got roughly the same treatment as before; polite indifference. Again, I dropped it, figured she was a few drinks deep and wanted some company and that it wasn’t anything serious. The next few times I saw her we were friendly and flirted a little, but nothing to really change my feeling that she just wanted to be friends. 

Anyways, last weekend we had another team party and she was all over me. I had her friends and mine telling me to go for it and what-not but ultimately didn’t do anything. She was wasted by the end of the night and it was hardly fair to her especially given my doubts about how she feels about me in the first place. I didn’t get to talk to her after that, but I can’t help but think it would’ve been the same story.

You’ve said a few times that alcohol doesn’t create feelings, it just lowers inhibitions and I guess I’m wondering if that’s what’s happening here. I figure either I’m being absolutely brain-dead and should just ask her out, or I should run the other way given that I’d like a relationship and she doesn’t seem all that interested when she’s sober. 

Send help? 

Sincerely, 

Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High?

DEAR WHY’D YOU ONLY CALL ME WHEN YOU’RE HIGH: First of all: you made the right call to not make a move while she was drunk. She was at the point of being unable to give consent, so the only choice to make is to let her get home and nurse her hangover in the morning. Regardless of how she actually feels about you, hooking up with her in that state would have been assault at best.

Now, as for what’s going on?

Well, asking you to go to the club with her could just be she was looking for some more friends to hang out with. Or she could have been inviting you down because she wanted to hook you up with one of her girlfriends. Or (and this is strictly based on the way you report her behavior) she was looking to hook up and kind of felt awkward about it the next day when you didn’t show. She put herself out there – kinda – and now is feeling a little weird about it.

The thing is: I don’t think she’s that into you. Not that she dislikes you, mind, but simply that she’s not really interested in dating… but she’s feeling lonely and/or horny, she’d be down for a quick bootie call. People do this all the time; there may be someone we’re casually friends with (or acquaintances, or what-have-you) who we’re not really interested in dating, but we know they’re into us and hey, they’re not bad looking, a good kisser… and on those nights when we’re feeling like we need some action, we think “hey, maybe So-and-So would be down for it.” And in the cold light of day the next day we think “Well, hell, that was awkward.” Now you’ve gotta get them out without letting them think that this is going to be a thing and… yeah, better to just not say anything and hope the other person doesn’t bring it up.

This, I suspect, is why she blows hot and cold. She knows you like her. She likes you too, at least a little. However she believes that you’re interested in something she’s just not offering (in this case, a relationship) and doesn’t want to give you false hope or string you along. But there’re times when there’s an itch to be scratched and hey, it wouldn’t hurt to see if you’re willing to come by.

What should you do? It sounds to me like you’re not someone who’s down for casual sex or a friends-with-benefits relationship. Unfortunately, that seems to be all that she’s offering.

However, it also sounds like these apparent mood-swings are getting under your skin, and who could blame you; the whole thing feels like a constant game of “go away a little closer”. So I would suggest you just talk to her. Find some time to get together with her and just lay it all out there: here’s how you’re feeling, here’s why you’re confused, and you’d really like to know just what’s going on.

Don’t be accusatory or put her on the defensive, just explain how you feel and that you’d like to understand. If she’s not interested in dating you and you’re not down for being an “in case of bootie emergency break glass” kind of friend, then ask her to please stop because that’s not what you’re down for and it’s confusing and frustrating. But if she is open to actually going on a proper date, you’d love to take her out and see how it goes.

And if you and I are completely wrong about what she’s doing… well, at least now there’s a chance to clear it all up and you can both laugh over the crazy miscommunications and part as friends.

Good luck!

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I just found your site and and eagerly reading and devouring everything I can. 

My situation is there. There is someone at my work I would really like to ask out. Let us call her Miss X. Now my problem is I have a stutter that is at its worst when I am nervous and I feel like the environment is not relaxed. I am much better one on one, but at my work often this is just not possible. I feel I am already at a disadvantage when I engage anyone. 

Now regardless of whether or not Miss X and I ever go out, I feel asking a person out is a weak point. I have relationships in the past, one even until last year. But many of these were friendships that grew into relationships. Simply going up to a woman, talking to her, and asking her out is something I probably have never done successfully. Therefore I want to improve. 

My strengths are there. I have many friends, I know a lot of women in fact. I can be funny and intelligent in abundance. On my terms however. However I feel like I am entering a boxing ring with one hand tied behind my back when I open my mouth. I begin to have trouble and my confidence collapses.

Any advice would be very helpful and thank you for all the work you have done.

Mister E

DEAR MISTER E: Buddy, I feel you. Approach anxiety is a rat bastard in and of itself. When you’re dealing with a stress-amplified speech impediment, I can totally understand why you’d be hesitant to go up to your Miss X and ask her out.

So here’s something you can use to get your anxiety under control: you’re environment may not be relaxing, but you can force you to relax and calm down.

First of all: the body controls the brain. Our brain reacts to physical stimuli, and our emotions tend to spring from how we feel physically as much as to whatever’s going on in our heads. By forcing yourself to relax, you’re slowing your heart-rate down, easing the adrenaline out of your system and getting your muscles to quit tensing up in misplaced fight-or-flight prep.

The easiest and quickest way to do this is to take a minute – a literal minute, counting down from 60 to zero in your head – and control your breathing. Breathe in through your nose for a count of 8, hold it for a count of 8, breathe out for a count of 10. This keeps you from hyperventilating – one of the key symptoms of anxiety and nervousness – floods your blood with oxygen and causes your heart rate to slow down. You literally can’t panic when you’re keeping your heart rate low.

Trust me, I do this every time we hit turbulence when I fly. 

Taking that minute gives you a better sense of being in control, rather than having to react instantaneously.  This will help keep you relaxed and feeling like everything’s fine.

Now, when you talk to her, you need to recognize that this isn’t a battle between you two. You’re not in the boxing ring and she’s not your opponent. She doesn’t need you to batter down her defenses in order to get her interested in you, and not every conversation is a duel. Just slow your roll and talk to her like a person. You don’t have to be Mr. Lightning Wit at first, dropping bon mots like the Atlanta Falcons dropping passes, just be calm and let your personality come through. If you’re worried about your stutter, take a second to consider your reply; you’ll look thoughtful and confident rather than being an impulsive motormouth.

Don’t get hung up on “must get her to like me” or “need to make her laugh before I ask her out”; your goal, your only goal, is to talk to her and have a good conversation. When you disconnect the outcome (getting a date) from the process  (talking to her), it’s much easier to just be in the moment and not worrying that you need to be absolutely perfect or that everything is riding on this one conversation and if it doesn’t go right, she’ll never talk to you again. That’s how you psych yourself out and end up choking. Just talk with her.

Now, if you want to seed the possibility of a date without giving yourself the stress of “ok, gonna ask her out… NOW!”, talk about something cool coming up that you’re looking forward to – a museum, a band, a cool bar, something that you like that you’re excited about doing. Don’t ask her out, just talk about it with her, then let the subject change. Then later, when when you’ve hit a mutual emotional high-point or the conversation is beginning to wind down, say “hey, you know what? You’d probably like $COOL_THING, and I’d love for you to come with me.”  It’s low-stakes and low pressure. If she’s down: awesome! You’ve got a date. If not, then “hey, no problem. So did you hear about…” No muss, no fuss, no stress.

And one last tip: if talking in person stresses you out… there’s always texting or instant messaging. It’s instant one-on-one communication, even if you’re in a room full of people.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

(Doctor’s Note: one of the letters for this week’s column involves the description of a sexual assault.)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a strange situation, but I’m sure you’ve heard it all.

I live in a house with three other people. Two of the people are married, and the other is recently divorced and is 33 and the niece of the woman in the married relationship. I have been friends with the 33 year old for about 12 years. I am 20 years older than her, and when are friendship first started we would mostly go hiking and see movies (we didn’t live in the same house then either). We were both attracted to each other and the friendship remained platonic, but something was always there. We always had a tacit agreement that the age difference was too great.

She met a guy and got married and I was really happy for her. It worked out that I bought a house with her aunt an husband, and they rented a room from us. This worked out fine until the marriage started getting rough, and she would ask me questions like “you still love me, right?”. The marriage ended about nine months ago and it has been strange living in the house across the hall from someone I have feelings for, and having her aunt there complicates things more. I still get comments from her like “what would I do without you” and “if we were the same age”.

I can’t stay in this situation a lot longer, my thoughts are:

 – Tell her yes, I do love her and age is just a number let’s give this a try.

 – Asking her to move out because the living situation is no longer healthy (this may wreck the relationship with people I own the house with)

 – Deciding it is time to sell the house and move on to the next phase of my life

 Any advice on how to proceed?

Landlords In Love

DEAR LANDLORDS IN LOVE: Let me ask you something, LIL. Did you two actually discuss your attraction to one another? Like, actually said the words “I want to date you and totally would if you weren’t older than me?” Or is this you rounding a close, maybe even flirty friendship up to attraction? Because, frankly, phrases like “you still love me, right?” don’t suggest romance, they suggest friendship or even quasi-familial love.

I see a lot of people who have that kind of close, even intimate friendship and someone assumes that the emotional intimacy there also translates to actual, romantic attraction. And when they find out that no, it really is just friendship – even friends that say “what would I do without you” or ask “You still love me, right” – they’re devastated because they’ve built this into something it’s not.

I mean, if I were going to turn someone down as gently as I could, “the age difference is so great” would probably be one my first go-tos. Nothing to be done about it, nobody’s fault, oh well, who wants Chinese?

You’re going to need to be the one to answer that, LIL, because I’m not there. And if this is friendship that you’ve been reading too much into and one that you’ve been holding a torch for… well, that’s going to cause some unnecessary heartbreak.

Now, assuming that there is an actual romantic and sexual connection there… well, there are complications, not the least of which being that you at least partially own the building she lives in. That ain’t the most equitable start to a relationship, to be perfectly honest. I mean, if you have the power to evict her (subject to tenant/landlord laws in your city and state) that’s kind of a big club to be wielding over someone.

And then there’s the fact it’s only been nine months since the marriage ended. You don’t mention how long they were married for but something tells me she’s still working on processing being single again. Hell, she may well not want to be dating anyone for a while.

My advice is that you’re better off letting this be and pursuing other relationships, with people who don’t live in a building you own. And if you’re going to insist on asking her out (seriously, I think it’s a bad idea), then go slow. Don’t assume that she’s interested in you romantically and leap in with both feet. Start with a date – an unequivocal date – and work from there.

But seriously. I think this is an absurdly bad idea. There’re just too many complicating factors here.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need your help.

My wife was on business trip and had to stay over weekend. I encouraged her to go out and enjoy drinks with friends. She didn’t really want to because she is an introvert, but after we talked she agreed to try to make new friends.

A male co-worker met her at a restaurant and from there he drove her to a few night spots where they met up with several more new people. She isn’t much of a drinker, but her coworker continue to give her drinks. He told her that she could really drink well. It was just about closing when he left her and brought back one last drink. Minutes after sipping on this drink she felt extremely drunk. He suggested they get some food. She was surprised the restaurant was part of his apartment and he got the food to go.

She was now nervous as they got on elevator to his place. After they ate, she asked to go but he insisted that they talked and he then made a move on her. She said “NO… I want to go… If you don’t take me I will find another way”. He said “It’s late just stay and sleep nothing will happen. I am tired.”

He then left and went to his room leaving her alone. She sat there 30 minutes and finally walked to his room and again asked to be taken back to her hotel. He pulled her down on bed and again started things but this time she said “I passively consented. I knew I wasn’t getting out of there”. He started the intercourse and she told him “Stop …I am married…you have ruined my marriage.” He stopped but didn’t seem particularly sorry and drove her back.

This has affected both of us deeply. We have a beautiful Christ centered marriage and now we are left to figure out how and why this happened. She certainly blames herself and I am hurt as well. 

Do you have any advice for me on how to view this and help her.

Traumatized

DEAR TRAUMATIZED: I’m not going to mince words Traumatized: your wife was raped. Her co-worker got her drunk, took her back to his place and assaulted her. She didn’t “passively consent”, she was forced into a situation where not only could she not give consent, but where she couldn’t leave and almost certainly felt that trying to do anything else might have ended up with her being hurt or even killed.

So I want to be abundantly clear here: this is not her fault. Let me repeat that for emphasis: This. Was. Not. Her. Fault. This happened because a co-worker abused her trust, plied her with alcohol to make her compliant, trapped her at his apartment and raped her.

Once again for emphasis: THIS WAS NOT HER FAULT. She is not to blame here. The only person to be blamed is the rapist. 

What you need to do now is focus on your wife’s healing. She’s been through a traumatic experience and, frankly, she’s likely going to need help processing what happened and accepting that this was not her fault. One thing I would suggest is that she call RAINN (The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.4673. It’s open 24 hours and completely confidential. They have support specialists who can help her find therapy, give her tips for effective self-care after her trauma and advice on what she may want to do next – whether it’s to talk to the police and press charges or not.

I would also suggest checking out their website’s resources for recovering from sexual violence for both victims of rape and sexual assault and their loved ones at https://bit.ly/2aM4nM2. This can give you a number of options on how to heal, how to move forward and how to avoid triggering any emotional aftershocks, as well as give you resources on how best to talk with her and to help and support her.

One thing I would strongly suggest she do is to tell her manager and the HR department at work. Not only should she not have to keep working with a predator, but the odds are good that he’s done this before, to other women. Telling management and the HR department can help her feel safer and more secure, as well as bring some measure of punishment down on this guy.

I’m so sorry this has happened to her, Traumatized, and I want to reiterate this one more time: THIS IS NOT HER FAULT. She’s going to need love and support right now, so be the man she can depend on for love, for security and for compassion.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Dear Dr. NerdLove,

First off, thank you so much for all that you do. It was due to one of your articles that, about six months ago, I went to see a therapist about some issues (mainly confidence and anxiety) and I’m on the right track toward being a happier person. I owe you one.

My question has to do with the appropriate way to leverage my job to finding dates. I work at a library (yes, it’s the best job ever, if you were wondering) and as a result I get to meet and chitchat with people on a consistent basis. Sometimes these people are women, and sometimes I just really want to ask them out.

I mean, not only do I get to see and talk to them, but I’ve got a leg-up on what they’re into and a conversation topic built right in, you know?

“Oh, you’re learning Sanskrit, that’s neat!”

“Is this your first time reading A Canticle for Leibowitz? It’s my favorite book!”

And so on.

So conversation and small talk aren’t the issue. That comes automatically with every patron. The problem is that I don’t know how, or if it’s even appropriate, to take it to the next level with some of them.

I’ve spent a lot of my life telling myself that a waitress or a cashier or whoever isn’t into me, it’s just their job to be friendly. Now I’m the one whose job is to be friendly, so how do I actually make myself clear that I’m not just being nice to a person because I have to, I’m being nice because in the space of about five minutes I’ve decided that she’s pretty neat and I’d like to know her better?

Thanks so much for all you do,

Crazy In The Stacks

DEAR CRAZY IN THE STACKS: Hoo boy. Don’t take this the wrong way, CITS but… this is a REALLY bad idea.

Now strictly speaking, yes it’s possible to successfully ask a customer or patron out while you’re at work. But a) it’s Dating 301 at best and b) it has the potential to go horribly, catastrophically wrong all over the place if you screw up.

Let’s put it this way: depending on the type of library you’re working at, people are rarely going there just to hang out and socialize. Most of the time, they’re there with a purpose – to study, to find specific resources, etc. Your job is to assist them in this matter and to help keep the library organized and in working order. This makes you, in many ways, part of the public face of the library. If you’re busy flirting with a patron, then you’re not doing your job, which is hindering their goals. Worse, if they feel like you’re using your position at the library to try to pick up women… well, that can make some people feel incredibly uncomfortable and then they’ll feel less comfortable using the library. And that, in turn, can make trouble for you. Like, lose your job trouble.

And as much as I hate to say it: there’s a gendered element to this. As I’ve said before: women have more to fear from men than men have to fear from women, and most women have had the experience of dudes hitting on them and not taking “no thank you” very well. And when they’re in a position of needing something from you… well that’s not a comfortable place for them to be in.

So having said all that: there’s nothing wrong with chatting and being friendly to the patrons while you’re on the job. That’s just good customer service. But while you’re on the job, unless you’re VERY well socially calibrated, flirting is a bad idea. The best thing you can do is keep things very light and very low-key and let them lead with any flirty behavior. Make yourself approachable and let things build over time – be the cool, fun-to-talk-to guy at the library that they’re happy to see when they come in. That way, when they realize that they’d like to get to know you better, they’ll feel more confident about either sending very clear signals that they’d like to see you after work… or they’ll ask you out.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I read your piece about asking for help, and it really struck a chord with me, because last year I was diagnosed with depression. The good news is that I’m getting counseling and medication to help me with the issue, and shortly after the episode that led to the diagnosis I met someone who has now become my first girlfriend. I’m not out of the woods yet, but the issues are easier to handle now that I can open up and talk about them with my family.

My question is: when would be an appropriate time to tell my new girlfriend about these issues? I’ve come a bit later to dating/relationships than most other people do, so this is kind of an unusual situation for me. But I feel like she could be a really good support, particularly since she’s the only person (besides my therapist) living in the same city as me who I might feel comfortable talking about this stuff with.

No Clever Acronym

DEAR NO CLEVER ACRONYM: First of all NCA, congratulations on doing so well. Depression is a heavy burden to bear (Winston Churchill – who dealt with chronic depression himself – used to call it “the black dog”) and there are a lot of well-meaning-but-ignorant people who don’t get just how hard it hits you. The fact that you’ve gotten treatment and have someone you can talk to is huge and you should be proud of yourself for taking those steps. And it’s great that you’re able to talk to folks who aren’t your therapist; the support of your social circle is incredibly important when it comes to your mental health and emotional well-being.

Now, as for when you should tell your girlfriend? Honestly, the quick and dirty answer is “when you feel comfortable doing so”, which I realize isn’t necessarily helpful when it comes to issues like mental health. Some people are understandably nervous about divulging that they have an issue like depression and get worried about when, how or even if to disclose. As a result, they tend to end up overthinking things.

The biggest questions are, simply, where are you in the relationship and how much does your issue affect your day to day life? If you’re sharing intimate details of your life beyond the surface issues – less “what do you want to do with your life in the future” and more “here’s these deep and meaningful things about me” – then you’re likely in a good position to talk about your depression. Similarly, if you’re still having black days on the regular – and believe me, even with meds and therapy, they can happen – then it’s worth bringing up just so that she understands what’s going on in your life.

Now as for how you tell her: just lay it out there as plainly and neutrally as you can. People – especially people you’re intimate with – will follow your lead on how you tell them about things from your life. The last thing you want to do is roll this out like it’s something dark and shameful; it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s an issue that you have that you’re dealing with and are bringing under control, and one that lots of people have. When I’ve told people, I usually phrased it along the lines of: “Just so you know: I’ve been wrestling with chronic depression. I’m getting treatment and talking to a counselor, but occasionally I’ll have bad days; don’t worry, I’ve been learning how to handle them.”

Your girlfriend may have some questions – answer them as best as you can, even if the answer is “I don’t know”. She may not fully understand at first, but if she’s a cool person (presumably she is, otherwise you wouldn’t be dating her) and she cares about you, she’ll at least try to.

While not exactly guidebooks on dealing with depression, you may want to check out Marbles: Mania, Depression, Michelangelo, and Me: A Graphic Memoir by Ellen Forney and Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened by Allie Brosh. Ellen and Allie both write about life and relationships while dealing with depression (or bipolar manic-depression in Forney’s case) – including talking to friends and lovers about the issue. And they’re excellent books as well.

And while I doubt you have anything to worry about, it’s understandable that you may be nervous about telling your girlfriend that you’re dealing with depression. Even in this day and age, there’s still stigma attached to mental health issues. But here’s the thing: if someone reacts badly to your telling them that you’re dealing with depression, they’ve just told you something critical that you needed to know about ’em: that you’re probably better off not seeing them. To paraphrase Dan Savage: you’ve told them one thing about yourself; their reaction tells you everything about them.

But honestly? I think you’re gonna be fine. If she’s as awesome as you think, then yeah, she will be a good source of support for you.

Good luck, NCA.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)