DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a geeky girl who needs some help figuring out how to bring up an awkward topic with her boyfriend. I noticed your site is very sex positive, so I thought you might be able to give some advice from a non-judgmental standpoint.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year with a really great guy. He is not only affectionate, but appreciates my affection towards him; we share a lot of interests and communicate very effectively under nearly all circumstances (I’ll get to the exception soon). The icing on the not-at-all-a-lie cake is our sexual compatibility. He is very dominant and I am reciprocally submissive. Our personal boundaries are complimentary and the master/servant dynamic ends as soon as the act is done and we fall into an oxytocin-induced snuggle coma. He has never tried to use this power structure to make me do something I am uncomfortable with and we employ enthusiastic consent into our role-play to make sure things do not get out of hand. I feel incredibly safe with this man and fulfilled in a way I didn’t know was possible.

However, twice in the past couple weeks, my boyfriend’s sexytimes alter ego has said something that has upset me. He always asks if I am prepared to be dominated by him, but a couple times after my affirmation, he replied “good, because it’s happening either way.” I was raped three years ago and still struggle with the aftermath and my boyfriend is aware of this, so his use of such a triggering phrase is particularly hurtful.

I meant to bring it up, because I am sure he is saying it as a character and unaware of its impact on me. On the day I psyched myself up for the conversation, he told me how grateful he is that I am accepting of his desires because he was ashamed and afraid of them in the past. He seemed like he had struggled a lot with his sexuality, so I chickened out.

I am certain he does not intend his words to hurt me and they don’t routinely show up in our dialogue. I do not want to cause him further anguish about his certain proclivities because he would be very distressed that he said something upsetting to me. But I do want to ensure that he doesn’t use that phrase again. I feel I am caught between our fragile and still-struggling psychologies. I know I should tell him how I feel, but I don’t want to hurt him. How should I approach this conversation?

Between a Rock and an Innuendo

DEAR BETWEEN A ROCK AND AN INNUENDO: First of all Rock: I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. It’s a testament to your strength as to how much you’ve healed  – even thrived – after everything. It also sounds like you’ve chosen a great guy and have an amazing relationship. But as great as he is, he is tripping over an emotional land-mine you have – however unintentionally – and that’s something that needs to be addressed.

And the only way for that to happen is for you to tell him. Kink and power exchange requires trust and  safety – physical and emotional – and that’s not going to happen if he keeps triggering you during your sessions. The other thing to keep in mind is that you’re not playing “dueling emotional scars”; the efforts it’s taken your boyfriend to come to terms with the fact that he’s a dominant and gets off on power exchange doesn’t negate or supersede the fact that his comments hurt you and bring you back to a place where you were assaulted.

Honestly: he’s not going to know he’s doing this unless you tell him, and I’m pretty sure his feelings can take the hit.

Now you don’t need to roll it out like he’ s a horrible person or shaming him for being into power exchange and master/servant role-play and this doesn’t mean that you can’t continue having the kinky sex you enjoy. You should tell him that some of the things he’s said hurt you and explain why and how. Even when you’re both doing a scene and he’s in his role, he’s still him and once you’ve let him know that he’s been hurting you and how, he’ll understand where the line is and know not to cross it again. This isn’t about blaming him, it’s simply informing him of a limit he was careless over and now you’re renegotiating the rules under which the two of you play. That level of implied non-consent, even in the context of a D/S scene, is a hard “no”. And if he does trip over that particular line again, don’t be afraid to use your safe word and put an end to the scene. That’s the whole point of safe words, after all.

If he’s as good a guy as you say he is – and nothing you’ve said implies that he isn’t – he’s probably going to be a little horrified that he’s been hurting you accidentally. Don’t let it go beyond “Oh God, I had no idea, I’m so sorry!” to “Oh God, I’m scum”; that’s the point where it’s no longer about you but instead becomes about his fee-fees… which is not only not the point but can be a passive-aggressive way of making you feel bad and having to comfort him.

But like I said: he sounds like a good guy. Let him know and soon enough you’ll be seeing this as just a rough patch in the early days of an amazing relationship.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have what might be an unusual question, and it has to do with the general theme of working on the image your project.

Without giving too much detail for personal reasons, I was at work, and a female coworker was giving me a hand. I announced myself before entering a room, and had to pause because my coworker immediately gasped, and when I looked at her, she just said “That voice!”, before laughing at my expression. It took me a second, but I realized she had probably never heard me when I speak to a customer in my Work Voice.

Naturally, I have a very low voice, that can sometimes be a little raspy, so when I’m in a professional setting dealing with customers, I make sure to project and speak very clearly. I’m aware there is a distinct difference in my tone, and the general sound overall when I do this, but had never put much thought into it beyond “it’s easier for the people with hearing issues I work with every day to understand me.”

Leaving the room, I decided to go have some fun, and in a quieter version of my Work Voice said something along the lines of “Liked that, did you?” And winked. Of all things, she nodded, and giggled. And not in a “laughing at you” kind of way. It was a rather nice reaction, beyond the general amusement. Walking back, she commented that she’d never heard me speak that way, and it really surprised her.

This really got me thinking: All this effort we put into what we say, and how we stand, and how we dress, and not panicking on just talking to a girl… How many of us have honestly ever put serious thought into what our specific individual voice sounds like while doing any of it?

And it seems to me a serious lapse in judgement, especially after that exchange.

So, Doc… Any tips for how to train a Sexy Voice?

– “In A World…”

DEAR IN A WORLD: Voices are hugely sexy. Vin Diesel wouldn’t have quite as much sex appeal if his voice wasn’t a bass so low that it registers on the Richter scale. Neither would Benedict Cumberbatch. Or Alan Rickman for that matter. Nor would Tom Hiddleston be quite as attractive if it wasn’t for his very posh, cut glass accent and diction as Loki.

Thing is: most of us don’t speak in our “real” register. We tend to speak with our “head” voice rather than with our “real” voice, speaking more through our noses than through our throats  – and usually higher than our natural pitch. So the first step to having a sexier voice is to find your true register. It’s actually surprisingly easy: you just hum. As you’re humming, you want to vary the pitch a little up and down as you try to find a level that feels right and natural to you. Too high and you’ll feel it more through your sinuses; too low and you’ll feel it more in your chest. You’ll know it when you feel it. After you find the right pitch, you’ll want to practice talking. At first you’ll sound a little monotone as you attempt to get used to the way that it sounds to you, but with practice you’ll start to be able to speak in a normal tone with all the usual inflections and emoting. Spend some time recording and playing the sound back so you’ll understand how it sounds to others.

But the appeal of a person’s voice isn’t just the pitch and timber, it’s the way they talk. This is why you need to focus on how you’re saying things. You said it yourself, IAW: you project and speak very clearly. Let’s get on YouTube and take a look at those Jaguar ads that featured Mark Strong, Tom Hiddleston and Ben Kingsley – all men with sexy voices. They enunciate their words – meaning you can hear them clearly and understand them. Muttering and mumbling isn’t cool or sexy; making the other person say “What? What?” over and over again is going to negate any impact your voice or words might have. Similarly, they speak with a deliberate, measured rhythm. All too often, we speak way too fast; speaking slowly indicates confidence while speaking quickly comes of as nervous, and as we all know, confidence is supremely sexy.

You also should practice breathing from your diaphragm, not from your upper chest. Learning how to breathe deeply and properly means that not only will you be able to project without straining your throat or vocal chords, but it also ensures you’ll have the breath control and air flow that will help your voice resonate and flow smoothly.

When in doubt: watch some Shakespearean movies, especially anything with Ian McKellan, Kenneth Brannagh, Derek Jacobi or other Royal Shakespearean Company veterans; you’ll notice how much effort they put into using their voices to convey character. Practice some of their lines out loud – record them into your smartphone and play them back. The more you become aware of your voice, the more control you’ll have over it… and the sexier you’ll be able to make it.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader, first time writer. Thank you for putting out so much good stuff, you're a big help for a lot of people.

A bit of backstory for me, I had an interesting childhood, abusive father, bullied in school etc. which really hammered my self esteem. I basically bottled everything up for years until it all exploded. Ended up spiraling into depression, had a passive suicide attempt about 3 years ago and hit rock bottom really. The good news, since then I've had 2 spells of counseling and my mental health is now much better. I've also worked quite a bit on myself, to the point where I've come from never having a date to having a couple of short relationships, couple of casual things and I've improved immensely in that part of my life. This is way more success than I ever thought I'd have.

The thing that's inspired me to write in today is that even though I can see how far I've come and all I've achieved, I still find everything absolutely, painfully difficult. Socializing exhausts me in general, but especially in bars and clubs. I always seem to be on guard and frankly it's all wearing me down. There is still this block I have mentally, where I'm so scared of getting hurt again or opening up that I can't really just let myself go and make the moves I want to, or I shut down interactions/ relationships that could go somewhere due to fear basically. I'm also incredibly nervous about doing anything that would jeopardize my mental health. I left my last job because it was causing me to slide again and I don't want to risk ever getting near to where I was 3 years ago.

Another thing that's laying it on right now is that I'm currently traveling. A couple of my friends are absolutely amazing with women, they make it look ridiculously easy and go from one hot girl to the next like they get handed out with the cereal. They are great guys who absolutely deserve their success and I'm happy for them, but it just highlights to me that even after all this work I've done I'm still no better than bang average on a good day at all of this. This is what is getting me down. I've read all the articles you've written about staying internally validated and not comparing yourself to others and it's all good advice, but I'm struggling to keep everything focused on the right things, which ends up with me taking nut shots to my self-esteem over the frustration.

I'm still young, mid 20s in decent health and everything, so I know I have the time, but it's just so draining to actually realize how far I've still got to go after all this work. My motivation to keep going with the whole self improvement thing is waning, I've stopped approaching, don't do speed dating or anything else that I had success with. I went on a couple of dates with this girl 2 months or so ago and just had no emotional energy left to give. I just see it all as a grind and I struggling to deal with it at the moment. I know you went through similar sorts of challenges back in your "bad old days", so any advice you could give would be hugely appreciated. How would you recommend I get through this?

Thanks

Tired of The Grind

DEAR TIRED OF THE GRIND: First of all, ToTG: congratulations on all the work you've put into your mental and emotional health, and all the progress you've made. That takes a lot of grit and courage, and you should be proud of just how far you've come.

In fact... that's part of what I want to talk to you about. See, you're doing one of the things that I used to do back in my bad old days: you're so focused like a laser on the end goal - being able to get women like your buddies - that you're missing just how much progress you've made. The problem with what you're doing is that you're working under the assumption that you and your friends started at the same place and the fact that you're not doing as well as them means something's wrong with you. But that's not it. That's not it at all. You didn't start at the starting line; you had to sneak your way past guards, climb over walls and through air ducts just to get into the goddamn arena, never mind into the race itself. 

But here's the thing: you freaking got there. You made it past all of those hurdles, things that would make most other people say "screw this noise" and turn around, and got your ass into the game. Yeah, you're not at the same point as people who had some advantages you didn't... but they didn't have to fight the way you did or as hard as you did. So you need to take a moment and recognize that you've fought long and hard to get where you are and that is goddamn amazing. You're not some third-string bench-warmer, you're Rudy at the championship game, man.

Of course, all of this means that you're going to have some scars. I mean, c'mon: you've been through the fires of hell and you've got the ashes to prove it. But that block you're dealing with right now isn't fear, it's the anticipation of fear. You're so worried about the feeling of "Oh god does this mean it's going to happen again" that you're trying to avoid anything that might trigger that fear... including the things that you long for. And that's understandable. That part of what makes us human. But the fear is an illusion. It's a phantom. It's the exaggerated, funhouse mirror version of reality. The fear is honestly worse than the reality.

Right now, you're spending a lot of your energy trying to avoid your fears - more energy than it would actually take to confront them, in fact. You just keep convincing yourself that you're going to lose, that you are inevitably going to fail, so there's no point in trying. Small wonder you're drained; you're letting that fear sap everything from you, without even taking the little victories that tell you that you've got far more going for you than you realize.

The sooner you learn how to grapple with that fear and push through it, the sooner you'll realize you're further along than you believe you are.

And the easiest way to deal with that fear? Plan for failure. Expect failure. Because you know what? Failure's gonna happen. A lot. To everyone. Even your buddies, who attract women the way cheese attracts mice, fail. You just don't notice it because you're paying too much attention to their successes. But success doesn't teach you anything. A lot of times success is just luck - or you end up taking the wrong lessons from those successes. When a plane comes back from a mission shot full of holes, you don't patch those holes and assume you fixed the problem; those are clearly places where it could get shot up and still make it. You want to pay attention to the places where getting shot full of holes brought down the plane and work on those areas.

So it is with failure. Failure teaches you valuable lessons. You learn to recognize what went wrong and how to avoid it next time. You start to learn your real strengths and weaknesses, not the ones you think you have. And the most important lesson you learn is this: failure isn't fatal. You can mess up - badly, even - and still survive. You may not get with that one woman... but you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again with someone else. 

Pain's inevitable. Nobody can avoid getting hurt. But while pain may be inevitable, suffering is optional. And you suffer far more from trying to avoid pain than you do learning how to take the hits, roll with them and pop back up again because you've given up on even the chance of success.

These are choices you're making, my dude. You're choosing to believe that you will fail and it will break you. It won't. You're stronger than that. Yeah, you'll fail. It's part of the learning process. Everyone fails. But when you learn from those failures, when you dare to push yourself back up to your feet again? That's when you win.

You have to believe that you can survive. You hold that power in your hands.

You can win if you dare.

You've got this.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have an ethical question.

The short version: a decade ago I met someone, we talked online a lot, those chats got steamy, and I saved them. Now I'm debating if I should get rid of those saved chats.

Long version: when I met J, I was in a terrible place: 25-year-old virgin with body image issues and depression, under-employed, and self-harming. J (who is gender-neutral) essentially made helping me a short project, out of the goodness of their heart, and we had what I call a "two-month-long one-night stand". Since we lived in different cities, we communicated online only, until J invited me to their city for a weekend of sex and sex ed. This did wonders for my confidence, and our friendship helped me stop cutting. (Nine years clean!) A critical step in the process came when J laid out for me, in considerable detail, what they would do in bed with me once we were in the same place. Until that moment I had not really believed I was physically attractive to anyone. I saved that chat so I could look at it again later and remind myself it actually happened, and I saved other (sometimes steamy, usually very personal) chats as well.

Ever since then, we have been supportive friends. We don't talk all the time, but we always know the other person will always be there. We've watched each other go through all sorts of relationship ups and downs. When we're both single (and only then) we flirt, though this hasn't happened in a while and nothing comes of it.

J's in a relationship "up" -- getting married to a truly marvelous person -- and I'm in a relationship "neutral" -- single for a year. The wedding has made me think about those saved chats. I look at them maybe once or twice a year, if that, but while they aren't the same level as nudes, they are they are personal and intimate, and critically I don't think J knows I have them, so it feels a little non-consensual. So on the one hand, it seems like the ethical thing to delete them.

On the other hand, I'm a very history-oriented person, so deleting those chats would be like deleting all evidence of a key turning point in my life. Also, while my depression is much more under control, it's never gone -- so having evidence of J's validation is sometimes very nice.

On the third hand, I know I'm still attracted to J, so I'm a little suspicious of my judgment on this.

What do you recommend? Delete the sexy chats, or preserve the historical artifacts?

Ethical Historian

DEAR ETHICAL HISTORIAN: Y'know, there's a lot of debate about that to do about the artifacts of our past relationships. Almost all of us tend to have keepsakes of our happier relationships; letters, photos, little trinkets that remind us of the good times we had. Most of the time, these are fairly harmless bits of nostalgia that we can take out, enjoy that warm hit from times past, then put 'em back and call it good. Now there are often people who feel threatened by the evidence of past relationships - the story of the Jealous Girlfriend is a well-worn routine from the early days of the Pick Up Artist scene - but for the most part, these are just reminders of days gone by. Getting rid of them just because the relationship ended smacks of trying to pretend the relationship never happened, an emotional damnatio memoriae that ultimately denies how we became the people we are today.

But some of those mementos can be of a sexual nature, and that's where things get tricky. We live in a culture and society that's profoundly sex-negative, and sees sexual expression as something shameful and degrading, even when it's in the context of a committed, monogamous relationship. And in the aftermath of a break-up, the question of "what should we do about with these mementos" gets thorny.

On the one hand, there are those who insist that they should be destroyed; after all, you (so the theory goes) no longer have that person's consent to see their naked bodies. But at the same time, if you take this argument to it's logical extension, then you're no longer allowed to remember them or the way their skin felt or their hair smelled because hey that relationship's over.

On the other hand, there are those who will say that these were given consensually between two partners and like all gifts, there's no obligation to return them later. But then there's the fact that they were given under a specific context; if the relationship ended badly, those relationship artifacts can go from being mementos to weapons that can be used against the giver.

And sometimes, those memories can be weaponized by a third party. In this day and age, securing those particular relics is difficult. Cloud storage sites get hacked, computer repair techs steal people's nudes from their hard drives and sexy files of unsuspecting innocents get shared far and wide. One only need look at The Fappening or boards on Reddit, 4chan, 8chan and elsewhere that are dedicated to sharing "found" nude images. Even purely physical keepsakes can get out into the wild; the infamous Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton sex tapes were on physical media, not digital storage.

These are all issues that've become part of the modern dating landscape. If we share those sides of ourselves with our partners - as many, many people do - there's the chance that they won't just stay with our partners.

Now in your case, EH, the odds of some spicy chatlogs getting out and causing problems is low. Not zero, but pretty darn low. So the bigger question here is: why are you holding on to them? As you say: you still have some feelings for J. Is this a way of holding onto the relationship, instead of letting it be part of your past? There's nothing wrong with the occasional naughty trip down memory lane, but if this is a way of keeping the hope alive, even as they're getting married... well, that's not healthy. It may be good to interrogate your feelings on this and see if your desire to keep that validation and evidence of your past is exactly that, or the fig-leaf you use to justify keeping them.

The other question involves the ethics of having them in the first place. While it's generally a good rule of thumb to assume that anything you send to another person is likely stored and archived somewhere, a lot of folks tend to assume that hot chats and sexting conversations are lost to the ether; hell, that's part of the whole point of services like Snapchat. As far as violations of trust go, it's pretty far down the list, but some folks might still feel weird about knowing that those records exist.

So with all of this in mind, here's my guideline for when it comes to things like nudes and sexy pics from past relationships: if you're on good terms with your ex, ask what they'd prefer you do. Of course, in your case, EH, first you're going to have to explain that you have them in the first place. Which is gonna be awkward. But honestly? I suspect this will cause more amusement than consternation.

Some people are cool with their exes - especially ones they're still friendly with - keeping the pics. After all, just because the relationship ended doesn't mean that you now hate that person and want to retcon the relationship into having never happened. Others may prefer that you'd delete them, if only to keep them from ending up on dodgy blogs and subreddits.

In your case, you don't need to explain about how they give you validation or that you feel like they're an artifact of your past. Just say "Hey, turns out I have logs of some of the chat sessions we had, would you prefer I delete them or is it ok if I save them?" and let them have the final say.

And as a general rule: if you aren't in contact with your ex - it was a bad break-up, you never want to hear from them again or vice-versa - go ahead and securely delete them. It's better all around to err on the side of "get rid of them" than it is to have trouble down the line.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been through an ordeal that is really tempting me to swallow the red or black pill. My girlfriend of nearly a year dumped me. She said I was too nice, a pushover, cute but not sexy, and she wants to see other people.

So she dumped me, but later tried to bargain an open relationship but I put my foot down and said no. Things were good through most the time as far as I can tell and she even admits that early on things were great and the sex was pretty good. But as time went on she expressed some sentiments that stirred greater insecurity in me. I developed a premature ejaculation problem but we still had pretty damn good sessions at several points throughout the months.

But now I feel like everything the incels believe is true, she’s going off to see the chads while I’m left to rot in all the insecurities that were just confirmed. I feel resigned to swallow the red or black pill and just cannot bring myself to believe in any optimistic projection given by my friends, family, or those such as yourself. Where do I go from here?

At The Crossroads

DEAR AT THE CROSSROADS: There’s some critical information you haven’t given me, ATC: you haven’t told me how long it was between when your girlfriend dumped you and then asked if you were ok with an open relationship and how long it’s been since the two of you ended things for good.

Because, honestly? You sound like this happened a couple of weeks ago and you’re still hurting from the fact that you were dumped. And hey, that’s legit. Being dumped is an awful feeling. But it sounds to me like you’ve been sitting around and stewing in your resentment instead of doing what I usually recommend for the newly single.

As it is, the only things that the Red Pill (Reddit-based men’s rights movements) and the Black Pill (Incel communities) actually offer you is justification for your anger. All either of these are intended to do is keep you feeling awful and make you angry at women for… well, pretty much for existing and not being mindless sex-dolls.

Hey, man, I get that you’re hurt.  But I’m gonna be honest with you: right now, you’re mostly looking for reasons to STAY angry with her. And hey, I get it. I’ve been there, done that and built a career out of it. I got dumped by someone I thought was the perfect girl just after I got fired from what I thought was the perfect job. And at the time? The most charitable thing I called her – when I wasn’t trying to be above it all – was a stinking pirate wh

e. But the truth is that anger eats at you. It may feel good to hate and to lash out at that bitch as what done you wrong at first. But honestly? There’s only so long you can insist that God has s

t in your dinner before you are just angry for anger’s sake.

I mean, none of the various flavors of Men’s Rights Advocates –not the Red Pillers, not the MGTOWs, not the incels are actually happy. The incels are all currently crabs in a bucket, busily sharing “suicide fuel” trying to goad each other into being the first to off themselves and everyone else is busy arguing over who hates the femoids more.

Now, let’s look at what you’ve actually said about your relationship. First: your girlfriend told you that you were too nice and a push-over. Ok… that’s valid. It sounds a little paradoxical – how could someone be too nice? – but nobody worth dating actually likes being with a doormat. Being the only person with an opinion in a relationship is shockingly draining; it feels like the other person has basically abdicated their entire being to you. Being someone who actually has some spine, an opinion, some confidence is an important part of making a relationship work.

But let’s look at this next part. So your ex wanted to see other people. Not going to lie, that can sting. Some people don’t do monogamy well, and if you’re one of those people who needs exclusivity, that can really hurt. You’re left asking yourself “why am I not enough?” Except it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Some people ultimately need novelty and new partners. Now someone call Sir Mix-A-Lot because there’s a huge “but” coming…

BUT

It’s not that your ex didn’t care for you, or that she didn’t enjoy banging you, ATC. In fact, the fact that she came back after you broke up and asked about an open relationship is as clear of a sign that she enjoyed being in a relationship with you… it’s just that she couldn’t be exclusive with you. I mean, come on. She’s seeing other guys but she’s asking if she can come back for you, specifically. That’s a pretty big sign that no, she DOES want you, too.

Now, that wasn’t a relationship you wanted or could handle and that’s fair. That’s valid. But the fact of the matter is that while she didn’t care for you the way you need, it doesn’t mean that she didn’t care as best she could. You just weren’t compatible is all. Which again, completely sucks… but at the end of the day, that’s life. It’s better to find that out sooner, than later.

Look my dude. If you want to sit around stroking your rage boner, that’s your prerogative. But that’s all it is; empty angry masturbation. If you want to actually feel better, actually let the pain fade away? Then you need to take care of yourself and give yourself some closure.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My fiancé is crazy and controlling. She has pretty much isolated me from all of my friends. All of my friends actually hate her. They think she is trying to change me and forcing me into a lifestyle I’m not ready for. We even share a cellphone because she doesn’t want me messaging people without her knowing. If she doesn’t want to do something, we sure as hell will not do it because she has the final say in everything. We even work together and share a house together and we’re supposed to be getting married in October. I’m honestly not sure if I’m ready. She wants kids and I really don’t like kids. I’m still deeply in love with my ex-girlfriend. If she ever got married, I think it would destroy me. I think she is my real match in every way but she lives really far away and always seems to be in a relationship. I don’t think she will ever be ready to settle down. I know she still cares about me too but again, she’s far away. She has been e-mailing me for 2 years now because we used to be best friends for years before we dated and my fiancee forced me to stop talking to her even though I really want to speak with her. I think I’m settling for my fiancee. I’m afraid to be alone and now I’m getting near my 30’s and I just don’t want to be the last person to be getting married and starting a life. What should I do?

Cold Feet

DEAR COLD FEET: I’m just curious, CF, did you see this horror movie that came out last year? Made a big splash, lotta Oscar nominations? First time director? What was it called again?

Oh yeah…

GET OUT.

Quite frankly my dude, you’re giving this list of things your fiancee does and I don’t quite get how in the pluperfect hell she became your fiancee in the first place. Like… are you being held hostage? Does she have your soul in a jar? Blink twice if she has your soul in a jar.

More seriously: you DO realize that you don’t have to be with her right? Like, you can break up with her. Right now even. Right this second. Before you even finish reading this. You could dump her so hard that her great grandparents would say “dude what was that?”

You could, and I’m just spitballing here, ditch your phone, change all of your passwords, clean out your bank account, pack up your things, get copies of all of your important documents, throw it in your car, and get the hell out of there over the course of a morning and be entirely free of this entire mess. Because, honestly? You sound like someone who’s asking permission to make a jailbreak.

So hey, permission granted. Your fiancee is a controlling, abusive awful and you need to get out of there like all of Hell and half of Hoboken were after you.

Right now, your ex-girlfriend isn’t a concern. What you should be doing is paying attention to the fact that your fiancee is waving more red flags than a military parade in Tiananmen Square. Because if any of these behaviors sound familiar:

Insult you or humiliate you, especially in front of your friends and colleagues

Belittle you, minimize your accomplishments and repeatedly tell you that you’re worthless or a failure

Tell you that their abusive behavior is your fault

Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful or require you to “prove” you’re not cheating on them

Keep constant tabs on you, demanding that you check in with them regularly. They may also monitor where you go and with whom

Isolate you from your friends and family

Accuse your friends and family of lying in order to “drive you apart”

Restrict your access to money or finances

Use or deny sex and intimacy as a form of control

Snoop through your emails, texts, instant messages, phone calls and social media profiles

Hide your keys or your phone to keep you from seeking out help

Use false accusations (or the threat of accusations) of abuse to keep you in line

…then it’s time to recognize that you’re in an awful, abusive relationship and you need to peace the hell out, Cub Scout.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)