DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a geeky girl in college, a gamer, very socially active, and generally a direct person.  I’ve been asked out a few times at parties and I’d like to switch things up by asking (other geeky) guys out myself, but… there’s always a but.

What’s holding me back is, well, sex.  Or more like expectations about sex.  The impression I’ve generally gotten is that the older my peers are, the less time they wait before having sex.  I’d like to date and get to know some guys, but I’m not interested in hooking up or doing anything sexual with a relative acquaintance or someone I’m not in at least a semi-serious relationship with.  The other thing is that if a woman is forward and initiates contact, the expectation seems to be that she’s experienced and well aware of how to flirt, and I don’t really have any experience with guys romantically or sexually.  

So basically, how do I flirt with guys and ask them out while making it clear we’re not about to tumble into bed at the end of the first date… or the second… and so on without scaring them off?  And while minimizing potential awkward and misunderstandings.  I’m not looking to ~wait til marriage~ or set a strict time for when I’m down to do what, but I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable being intimate with someone I’m not already close to.

Takes Her Time

DEAR TAKES HER TIME: There’s a pretty simple answer to this, THT; you just tell ’em.

Now, it’s true that there are a lot of guys who expect some sort of accelerated time-table when it comes to sex; some will expect it as soon as humanly possible, others have their own version of the three date rule, where if the girl doesn’t put out within three dates, he moves on to the next one in line.

Thing is: this isn’t all men by any stretch of the imagination. I mean, yeah, just lots of guys out there will want sex as quickly as he can get it. After all, sex is pretty damn awesome when you do it right. But just because men are willing to bang out as soon as it’s offered doesn’t mean that there aren’t plenty of guys who will quite happily take the time that is required for the two of you to reach the level comfort and intimacy you feel you need before you’re ready to sleep with him.

Don’t let random bulls

t ideas about gender roles hold you back from being willing to make the first move. Just because you were willing to approach a guy doesn’t automatically mean that you’re obligated to move faster than you feel comfortable with.

Now, as for how you tell them? Well, you said it pretty well in your letter. “I’m not looking to wait til marriage or set a strict time for when I’m down to do what, but I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable being intimate with someone I’m not already close to,” is concise, to the point and sets up exactly what to expect.

When you tell them can be tricky; you don’t really want to blurt it out between the endive salad and the coq au vin, when it would be a bit of a non-sequitur but you also don’t want to wait until his pants are around his ankles and he’s giving you then “Eh? Eh?” head-gestures. I would recommend relatively soon once you’re having your first significant make-out session. Find a moment to pause — before things have progressed significantly — and let him know where you stand.

And don’t stress out about chasing guys off or standing firm. A guy who isn’t willing to accept your limits is not a guy you want to date. If knowing he’s not getting laid by the second date is going to make him look for other pastures, you really aren’t suffering any great loss. He’s just putting you one more step closer to finding a guy who is right for you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question that has to do with “Friends with Benefits” relationships. An old friend and I have slipped into one of these after drunkenly hooking up one night. I have no interest in dating her at all and she says that she is ok with that, and she just wants to hook up. However I’m really nervous now because this relationship is secret and we basically have the same circle of friends. And I’ve heard from people that these types of relationships always end in disaster. While I’m enjoying the “benefits” of this relationship, is it really destined to end terribly? And when I meet a girl that I want to start a real relationship with, do you think we will be able to end it with her without hurt feelings?

Trying To Stay Casual

DEAR TRYING TO STAY CASUAL: Here’s a line I’ve borrowed from Dan Savage, TTSC: every relationship ends until one doesn’t. Friends with benefits end one of two ways: either you quit having sex, or you quit being friends. This doesn’t mean you’re doomed either way. You may decide to stop having sex because one of you has fallen for someone else, or because you decide you’re better off as friends rather than lovers. You may stop being friends because you fell in love and now you’re “officially” dating or you may drift apart naturally.

The way you keep a FWB relationship from ending badly is the same way you keep any other relationship from ending badly: open communication and honesty. Be straight forward with how you feel, be open and receptive to how she feels. Want to know how to poison a FWB relationship from the get-go? Treat it as something shameful or something that’s doomed. I can appreciate wanting to be discreet, but you need to keep in mind: this isn’t about how your friends may feel, this is about the two of you. It’s up to you two to decide what the rules are for your relationship; nobody else gets a say.

It’s impossible to say whether you would be able to end the sexual aspect of your relationship without pain or tears – there’re so many variables that you’d get better results rolling a d20 and hoping to make your Save Vs. Drama. But then again: there are no guarantees that you can end any type of relationship, sexual or platonic, without hurt feelings. All I can say is that being a stand-up, honest and compassionate guy will make things easier regardless of how it ends.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have something that I need to get off of my chest: I dislike one of my girlfriend’s guy friends. Let’s call him Q to protect the names of the innocent and not so innocent, as you say. 

Whenever someone mentions Q my girlfriend lights up and says how much she loves the guy, I usually have a brief moment where I think about fighting him. That kind of reaction is not healthy and I should stop, but given the history between Q and I stopping is difficult at times. 

A while ago Q and I were acquaintances and we were messing around with each other play-fighting and then he got pissed off and punched me in the face. Since we were at university, I didn’t fight back because I knew we would both be expelled with no questions asked. After that I decided I’d rather not hang out with him. In a separate incident, Q took out his switchblade and publicly threatened to kill one of my friends because my friend had a bad break up with a girl Q liked. That threat really exacerbated my friend’s anxiety and he ended up leaving school and it worked out great for Q because he ended up sleeping with that girl. No one at the university took action over that threat (dozens of people saw it) and I feel guilty for not reporting it myself. My girlfriend doesn’t know about any of this as far as I know.

I really don’t like Q and I feel like I have good reasons not to, and yet my girlfriend likes him. Now don’t get me wrong; I think my girlfriend can choose whomever she wants to be her friend. Maybe she knows things about Q that would make me change my mind despite the way I know him. But I don’t know how to tell her I dislike Q without hurting the relationship I have with my girlfriend. I also don’t know how to act if I am in a room with Q and my girlfriend at the same time. That scenario hasn’t happened yet, but I have a feeling it could and I want to be ready. I’d also like some general advice about how to deal with people my girlfriend likes but I can’t stand.

Thanks for your reality slap,

-Off My Chest

DEAR OFF MY CHEST: You have a completely legitimate reason not to like Q, OMC. Dude punched you in the face and committed assault with a deadly weapon on a friend of yours! THESE ARE VERY GOOD REASONS NOT TO WANT TO HANG AROUND HIM.

Everybody is well within their rights to not want to hang out with their significant other’s friends. It’s good to try to at least be civil to them – after all, they’re important to someone you theoretically care about – but you don’t have to like them, just be polite and willing to spend time in their company on occasion.

There is an unfortunate Geek Social Fallacy that friendship is transitive. It’s not. Just because you both have something in common (your girlfriend, in this case) doesn’t automatically mean that you’re going to be BFFs. In fact, you may very well seriously dislike them. But unless they present a serious problem – and I mean beyond “I think they’re a goddamn idiot” – then the best thing you can do is grit your teeth and deal with them every once in a while.

Except in cases like this.

When someone presents a threat to you (mental or physical), you aren’t obligated to tolerate their presence just because your girlfriend or boyfriend thinks they’re the the bee’s knees and the badger’s nadgers.

But I’m not the one you need to talk to. You need to talk to your girlfriend about how you feel. Communication is important and if you can’t have a serious conversation about how you feel about something with your girlfriend without it potentially destroying the relationship then, frankly, that’s a relationship that needs to be destroyed.

Besides: I don’t know about your girlfriend, but if MY significant other knew that one of my friends was a violent hothead who was prone to threatening people’s lives, I’d want to f

king know about it.

I’d wait until you’re likely to be actually having to share space with Q; bringing it up too early and you may seem as though you’re threatened (metaphorically) by him and you’re trying to get your girlfriend to cut him out of her life.

Here’s what you say when the time comes: “Listen $GIRLFRIEND_NAME, I know that Q’s your friend, but I really don’t like him. I don’t think he’s a good guy. I don’t know if you know this, but I’ve actually seen him threaten to kill somebody. Do you remember $FRIEND_NAME? Remember when he broke up with his girlfriend? And how he dropped out of college afterwards? Q had a crush on $FRIEND_NAME’s girlfriend. When they broke up, I watched Q literally pull a knife on him and threaten his life. That’s why he dropped out.

Maybe he’s an awesome guy. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be friends with him. But I don’t want to be in the same room with him and I thought you should know the reason why.”

(I’d leave the “punching you in the face” part out unless it becomes relevant as part of a pattern of his behavior; if she’s the type to assume her friend can do nothing wrong, you could be accused that you’re only doing this because you’re upset that he sucker-punched you.)

If she asks, direct her to some of the other people – including your friend – who witnessed the event.

You want to keep as calm and neutral as possible. You don’t want to get angry or emotional. You don’t want to fling around accusations or make demands. You just want to state your feelings on the matter calmly and succinctly.

Your girlfriend should understand. Most people will be mature enough to. Some people aren’t. Some people will get angry when folks bad-mouth their friends.  Your girlfriend may well be one of them. If she is, she may accuse you of being underhanded or even jealous. Don’t get defensive if she does; these are your feelings on the matter and they’re based on your history with Q.

You have every right to feel the way you do about him. Getting defensive and trying to justify yourself just tells her that she’s correct and you do have underhanded motives. You’re not telling her to not see him any more, you’re just saying that you want to have nothing to do with him. How she feels about the matter is up to her.

Like I said: she should be able to understand and respect that. If she can’t… well, better to cut things off now and find someone who you can communicate with.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Our story begins with two nerdy people who find each other on a dating site, meet, bond over nerdy references, and through about 20 months of dating (the date is approximate because neither bothered to remember when they became “official”), became the centers of each other’s worlds. Eventually, organically, the conversations turned to marriage, and both parties agreed that life with each other would be infinitely better than life without. Being slightly traditional, they kept this decision more or less to themselves and continues to label their relationship boyfriend/girlfriend, until very recently, when a ring was procured and a very geeky proposal happened. The large families of each are thrilled, and the many people who have been important throughout their lives are already asking for the date.

I’m telling you our story, so that you won’t immediately jump to “cold feet” as the answer to my question. Which is: as the female half of this story, the idea of “weddings” (especially mine) breaks me out in hives. My male half is your typical not-comfortable-in-large-groups-or-with-being-in-the-spotlight person and he already looks resigned. There have been not-quite-joking discussions of elopement.

The rub is that neither of us really want to do that. Our families would be devastated and our friends would be disappointed. I honestly do want to celebrate with the people I care about. I just don’t know if I can handle what that is going to entail. Elopement is really out of the question, quite frankly. One of my cousins did that, and everyone is still mad. And the idea of saying “Oh, we’ll get married early and just have the party with everyone else” misses the point. The ceremony itself is not really the cause of our anxiety. The real points of contention are the process leading up to the wedding, where I’m referred to as “Bride” and it feels like the world is trying very hard to revolve around me (at the same time telling me to not let it go to my head) and the party itself, where I’m afraid I’m going to have to get my fiancé a paper bag to make it through.

I’m possibly the least romantic person ever, and mushy crying makes me gag slightly. And I hate having to make lots of decisions, and your typical wedding planning process involves an inordinate amount of those (and about things that I realize are needed but are really none of my concern, like table linens). When people ask me about my dream wedding, the honest answer is one that someone else planned and prepped for me and I just showed up to. This is usually met with disbelief, but I was serious about the not being romantic. As if the fact that we had to make up an anniversary just to have one didn’t tip everyone I know off. With friends and acquaintances, I try to gently direct the conversation away from me, but eventually I’ll have to do things like dress-shopping or talking to vendors.

I’m not excited about the means or the end. Last night I looked at wedding dresses online and almost cried, not in a good way. I know that the “industry” has a serious vested interest in emotional manipulation, but reading about people enthusiastically jumping into this process and making their dreams come true kinda makes me want to crawl back into bed and pretend to be a blanket-burrito. I would much rather skip the whole thing and just be married to my wonderful fiancé. The only bright spot in all of this is that the most important element (him) provides nothing but a safe harbor of not-panic. 

How do socially-adverse people deal with the largest social event of their lives? How do people who normally avoid the spotlight at all costs put up with being gushed over? I know this is later in the process than most of your readership might be, but I guess the fear of being in the spotlight is a pretty common one?

Wedding Jitters

DEAR WEDDING JITTERS: Here’s the phrase you need to remember: “It’s our wedding.” This is what you need to say over and over again. Why? So you remember who you’re doing this for.

Yeah, your family and friends are thrilled. But it’s you and your groom-to-be who’re the ones getting married. Which means that, ultimately, the two of you can put your feet down together about what you do and do not want.

Which includes keeping it simple and small.

Not every wedding needs to be Disney-esque extravaganzas of opulence and pageantry. You don’t need to have 300 guests, two bands, a catered sit-down meal of squab under glass with the flowers just so and the linens the perfect shade of cerulean while you release dozens of doves as some chanteuse sings “I Will Always Love You”.

Strictly speaking, all you really need is you, your fiancee, an officiant and a couple of witnesses. Hell, you don’t even need a ceremony, just someone to sign the license.

Over the years, I’ve attended (and officiated) more weddings than I can reasonably count. Some of them have been grand galas, destination weddings in exotic locales with so much extravagance that they wouldn’t be out of place on the New York Times’ society pages… and were kind of meh. Some of them took place in the couple’s back yard with a dude’s iPod hooked up to a PA system, a keg of Shiner Bock, a rented chocolate fountain and lots of Hooter’s buffalo wings, and were amazing.

Size and spectacle doesn’t automatically make for a perfect wedding. The love of the people involved do, whether they’re being married in a cathedral with the Archbishop of New York officiating or in a public park dressed as pirates.

(Incidentally, I officiated that last one. I was the Dread Priest Roberts.)

Neither of you want to be gushed over? Keep it all to a level you’re comfortable with. Let the ceremony itself be small; immediate family and closest of close friends only. You’re not any less married if you have a backyard barbecue for the reception instead of trying to recreate the end of Sleeping Beauty.

If you don’t want to handle even that much, delegate some responsibility – put your mom in charge of decor, a sibling or cousin in charge of the food and drinks and a friend with the best musical taste to put a playlist together. Give them the general outlines of what you want, what sort of budget they’re each working with and then turn ‘em loose.

Just remember the key phrase: “It’s our wedding.” Not your aunts’, your uncles’, your cousins three times removed. It’s yours and your fiancee’s. You get to decide how you want to spend it, and everybody else gets to abide by your decisions.

Don’t let folks bully you into a wedding you don’t want. Put your foot down if you need to and tell them “It’s our wedding.”

They can do whatever they like with their party. This one’s yours and yours alone.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m really curious what advice you may have for me here, just because I think this may simply be an issue where I’ve made my bed and now I have to lie in it. Nevertheless, I think you’ll ‘get’ it and if nothing else I’m going to use this as an opportunity to get something off my chest.

So first things first. I’m 29, and I just got married. I completely adore my wife, what we have is as real as it gets, and our relationship just ‘works’ for so many reasons. We’re on the same page about not wanting children, and I’m just really happy and proud about the life we’re building together.

A bit of background…we were close friends throughout college. She had several boyfriends and I was obsessing over other girls and doing nothing about it, and we really just never thought of each other in that way until right before graduation when we fell in love and have been together ever since. Another piece of the puzzle here is I was completely celibate during college, not by choice haha. I had a girlfriend for the last 6 months of high school, so I wasn’t a virgin going into college but I just didn’t have my s

t together… nerdy before I knew how to make nerdy work for me, massive crushes that I was too scared to act on because I was putting them on such a pedestal and just generally too focused on finding the magic fairytale love story when I should’ve been more go with the flow and open to fun experiences.

Hey, I get it. We all have to live with some regrets, obviously. I can’t change the past. But I have to say, it’s been challenging at times over the last decade seeing things like the rise of swiping dating apps that would’ve made things SO MUCH easier for shy guys like me in college to at least initiate contact, or even just the rise of nerd culture and nerdy things becoming way more socially acceptable. It is hard for my mind not to sometimes ponder how successful I’d be if I were single today. I feel like I’m infinitely more dateable at 30 than I was at 20. I have a stable career, I know how to dress, I think I’m reasonably attractive, I’m not terrified of women anymore and have more sexual confidence– simply put I just have more mileage, better self-worth and am way more comfortable in my own skin than I was in college.

I think it’s probably very normal for married guys to think about the good ol’ days of being single, but I guess my issue is I regret not doing anything with those good ol’ days and sometimes I get a bit freaked out that I will never experience another first kiss or see what my sexual chemistry with someone else might be, or experience the thrill of the chase– no matter how much I love my wife (and I do, and I believe our sex life is healthy). It’s just the curiosity that gnaws at me. I’m not saying I have any plans to do anything, because I really have it great now and definitely don’t want to screw it all up for something I’d instantly regret. I don’t believe I could ever cheat. I just worry that if I’m feeling this now, will it ever get any better, years down the road? Or will it turn into more of an obsession that eats away at me? I really don’t want to feel resentment about my marriage. I try to stay focused on all the positives. I know for a fact that a lot of my married friends have similar regrets, and I wonder about how common of an issue this is overall.

I’ve done research into open relationships and “hall passes” and honestly…while I love the idea in theory of getting a small window of time try and sew a few wild oats and get that out of my system (I’d be be willing to reciprocate that)…at the same time, I know all those paths have significant risks and downfalls, and based on comments she’s made in the past I don’t think she’s open to that. So me even trying to broach that subject would probably just be hurtful and pointless. She’s not a jealous type, we have a lot of trust in our relationship, but I think her hearing that I’m even daydreaming in those terms may be a shock to her and I really don’t want to hurt her just because I’m having a quarter life crisis. And it’s not only about wanting some strange (although that certainly factors in). I’ve thought a lot about it, and honestly I think I just also just craving the validation that yes, I can be desirable to other women too and to see if I’d have any ‘game’ now, because I had 0 before…I’ve literally never asked a girl out on a date in my life. I’ve never been on a first date with someone who I wasn’t previously friends with. It’s not that it’s a bad thing, but I guess it just feels like there’s this whole side of myself and the dating world that I never got a chance to explore.

It’s quite possible there is nothing to be done here except for me to just suck it up, be grateful that I have something that most singles are looking for, and move on. But these thoughts have gotten frequent enough that I wanted to take the first step of acknowledging that there may be a problem here.

Thanks,

Fear of Missing Out 

DEAR FEAR OF MISSING OUT: You’re not wrong that this is an incredibly common issue, FOMO. Lots of people – men and women both – have moments of wondering what might be if they were single right now instead of in a relationship. The fact that you’re in a monogamous relationship with someone doesn’t mean that you won’t be interested in other people. You agreed that you weren’t going to sleep with other people; that doesn’t mean that you won’t want to. This is true of pretty much everyone; welcome to being a primate with a sex-drive.

Similarly, the fact that you’re fantasizing about being single again doesn’t mean that you don’t love your partner, or that something’s wrong with your relationship. This is also something a lot of partnered people experience, for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes it’s the desire for novelty; that first kiss or the excitement of the initial courtship and getting to know somebody new. Other times it’s simple boredom; even the hottest and most passionate relationship will cool over time, especially as the day-to-day responsibilities of a life together pile up. Still other times, it’s the idea of “what did I miss out on” and still other times it’s that the person in question entered into a monogamous commitment that they weren’t actually suited for.

There’re the folks for whom it’s not even a matter of desire, so much as wanting to be desired. It’s a wish for validation, the knowledge that you still (or finally) have it. Sure, your partner may want you and need you… but that’s hardly the same as a stranger thinking that you’re hot sex on toast, is it? Or the knowledge that if you wanted to, you could hook up with that hottie you saw at the gym or Starbucks or what-have-you.

And then, of course, there’s the dawning realization that maybe, just maybe, you made a mistake. You overestimated your feelings and rounded up what would’ve been a happy short-term relationship to a lifetime commitment or just agreed to something that you didn’t realize you didn’t actually want until it was too late.

To answer your question: yes, this is going to be something that you’re going to feel, whether you’re with your wife or any theoretical future partner. Regardless of whether you stay with her or you find yourself free to date again, if you’re pursuing monogamous relationships, there’s always going to be a “no more first kisses” moment. That’s part of the price of entry to the relationships you seem to want.

The key to handling this – especially without making a mistake and detonating your relationship in the process – is to understand exactly what’s at the root of this interest.  Is it that you feel like you have something to prove to your past self? Are you someone who just can’t make a long-term monogamous commitment and require sexual novelty? Do you legitimately want out? Or is it just old-fashioned “what-if”ing?

The more you understand just what the problem is, the more you’ll understand how to navigate the issue. There’s nothing wrong, for example, with harmless sport flirting if the opportunity arises. Flirting without intent is one way to get the charge of knowing that other people think you’re hot without actually risking your relationship; plus, you can take that erotic charge and plow it into your relationship with your wife. If it’s a case of missing the early spark in your relationship, then the answer is to remember why those early days were so exciting. Part of what makes the sex so enticing when you’re just starting out is that it’s new and risky. You have to put in work to make it happen and actually seduce your partner – even as the two of you may be determined to rip the clothes off one another. In a long-term relationship, it’s easy to fall into a rut where sex just happens. The more the two of you have to work for it, the more excitement you can bring back to it, the hotter it gets. So start breaking out of the routine and screw like teenagers again. Take some risks – find a quiet place to park and sneak into the back seat of your car, hook up in the bathroom of a bar or a broom closet at work. The novelty and the effort and the low-key risk will give sex a spice and urgency that it doesn’t currently have.

If it’s just a case of wanting new and different… well, that’s what porn and sex-toys are for. Either by yourself or with your wife.

However, I don’t think an open relationship is necessarily what you want right now. While I certainly wouldn’t argue against your studying up on them, I don’t think your issue is that you’re not built for monogamy, I think it’s that you want the validation of being desired by other people and having the game you didn’t have when you were younger. And while I understand the desire to go out and test this, I think the potential cost to your relationship – one that you say you’re otherwise satisfied with – is far greater than the reward.

All things considered, this is a relatively minor itch, FOMO and one that’s easily scratched. It’s not something to get overly concerned about or to risk your relationship over. Focus on the underlying cause rather than the symptom, and you’ll be fine.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question about “how to handle women with poor social skills”.

While dating and approaching women I have had the problem that some women can’t pick any signal that I give and it is really really frustrating. The lack of response or follow up to a signal makes wondering if the other is interested at all. At some point, I retreat to avoid an awkward situation. However, lack of a signal doesn’t always imply lack of interest (sometimes it does imply lack of interest – especially when the woman is socially skilled and proactive).

I would guess that this problem may be more common that one would guess initially. The reasons for inactivity and lack of response could be shyness, lack of social skills or some level of autism. The woman can be really sweet and interested but her social skills can be really bad. Lack of social skills makes reading the situation and the whole social interaction harder. Could you provide some advice?

Thanks,

Clueless

DEAR CLUELESS: There’re two possibilities here, Clueless. The first is that they legitimately don’t pick up on your signals, either because you aren’t great at sending them or they just don’t get them.

The other is that they know exactly what it is you’re saying and they’re just not interested and they’re hoping that by “missing” your signal, you’ll get the hint and move on.

But as a general rule, if you think they’re not picking up what you’re putting down for whatever reason, then use your words. Don’t give signals, say it explicitly. “Hey, I think you’re awesome and like to take you out on a proper date. How do you feel about $COOL_THING_A and $COOL_THING_B?” “I would love to kiss you right now.” “Want to make out?” “Should we take this to the bedroom?” etc. There are a lot of folks out there who’d appreciate it if people would just straight up say what it is they mean instead of hinting or dropping clues like the Riddler. You may well be dealing with people like that. And if you are? Being the person to just lay it out there without any room for misunderstanding would make you exactly who they’re looking for.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)