DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have an odd situation at hand that definitely needs advice from an expert.

A bit of backstory, I’ve known “Se” since we were in college, and I fell hard for her. The only problem was that she’s a lesbian. Back in the day, I hadn’t had a girlfriend, but I worked up the courage to ask her out. She didn’t quite reject me, she just said that at that moment, she couldn’t. Since i’m an idiot, I burned bridges with her and moved on with my life. In the meantime, I feel that I’ve acquired experience with my past girlfriends, and I’m a bit better at the subject.

Since November, we reopened communication, and it’s been great. Turns out she just got out of a serious relationship and for whatever reason she thought of me. She told me that she misses me, since then we’ve been hanging out a lot, going to the cinema, eating and that sort of things.

But now we’re more touchy than ever, getting real close and personal. We’ve been cuddling for hours at my place, sending us texts about how much we like each other, and how much we miss each other, but I’m kinda scared about my next move. I’m dying to kiss her and roll the dice once more. Now that we have a trip to the beach in the horizon, I really don’t know what to do. I really, really like her, and it’s evident to me that she also likes me. I don’t know if she does it in a relationship kinda way, but she has feelings for me, that much I know.

I need help with this. The only question in my head (as Van Halen once said), “It’s got what it takes, so why can’t this be love?”

Thanks

So Confused

DEAR SO CONFUSED: let’s talk a bit about sexuality and sexual identities.

One of the (many) things that isn’t covered in sex ed these days is that sexuality is fluid. There’re gay people, straight people, bisexual people, pansexual people (that is: people who don’t believe in the gender binary and are attracted to individuals regardless of gender) and everything in between… and some people will slide around a little in their sexual identity. There are people, gay or straight, who may discover that they’re attracted to a specific person outside of their preferred gender. There are guys who like trans women because they are turned on by the idea of a woman who also has a penis. There’re straight people who will say “a mouth is a mouth” and accept a blow-job from a gay guy while they close their eyes and think of Christina Hendricks.  And there are gay men and women who’ve discovered to their surprise that they may be more bisexual than they previously thought.

So in the strictly hypothetical sense, it’s possible that your friend is bisexual or sexually fluid and open to a relationship with a man.

HOWEVER.

It’s equally as likely that she just feels comfortable with you as a friend. There are many forms of love; not just eros (love of the body) but agape (romantic contentment) and philia (platonic affection for friends).  You can love someone, enjoy your time with them and be open about missing them when you’re platonic friends, not just when you’re both in romantic love.

But what about the cuddles?

Well, women are socialized to be more touchy-feely in general, but especially with people they’re close to, and it’s entirely possible that she feels comfortable cuddling with you because she sees you as someone safe who respects her boundaries.

Or hey. It could mean she’s a little more fluid than she thought and you’re in a Chasing Amy situation. I doubt it, but it’s possible.

So how do you sort this out without ruining your friendship? By using your words. You just ask her. Say “Hey, I feel like I’m picking up on a vibe here and you can feel free to tell me I’m nuts, but I just want to make sure I’m not misreading things. I’m really enjoying our friendship, but at times it feels like maybe there’s more? It’s cool if I’m wrong, because I really appreciate what we have; I just want to make sure whether I’m just completely off base.”

You want to make sure that she understands a) that she’s free to tell you that you’re misreading things (if that’s what’s going on) and that b) you’re good with being friends in the event that you are wrong. After all: it was your freak-out at her rejection last time that lead to the two of you being out of touch with one another. So when/if she reminds you that she’s gay… be cool this time. Just say “OK, I just wanted to make sure,” and let it go. Don’t make your being friends contingent on your feelings for her; that’s not fair to her, and it’s a great way to actually ruin a friendship.

You’ve got a good thing going with your friend, even if it’s not necessarily the relationship you’d prefer. That’s something worth holding on to, even if you wish it could be different.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently had to block a guy on Facebook… 

We met at an event I was hosting and when he messaged me (after finding out I was single), I told him I wasn’t ready to date. He said he wasn’t either; he just wanted to be friends….

Over the last two months I’ve encountered the same situation with other guys, where I’d tell them I wasn’t ready to date, they asked to just be friends and we’d chat for a while only to find they kept pushing me to meet them or start dating. I would end up telling them flat out I wasn’t interested and then when they wouldn’t take “no” for an answer I’d end up blocking them because they obviously weren’t respecting my boundaries.

So now this guy comes along with the same song and dance, and naively I assumed maybe this guy would be different (Lesson learned! No more adding guys to my Facebook unless I’m willing to date them!).

On the first day he messaged me eight times in 4 hours without me even having responded. The next day was the same thing and I was having flashbacks to my previous Facebook encounters; so I told him to tone it down and back off a bit. I reiterated that I wasn’t ready to date. He listened and toned down on the amount of messages.

During this time I was working on self improvement and healing so I would be able to date again. I feel I’m almost ready to enter back into the dating world and this weekend I have an event where there is the potential to meet some single guys, but it felt like my new Facebook buddy was still trying to make a connection and I wanted to make it clear to him that I wasn’t interested in dating him. He’s a nice guy, but that initial contact screamed “I’m needy! Please pay attention to me!!” and that’s not what I’m looking for in a guy….

And it felt like he was still trying to flirt! He would send me pictures of his drawings; everyday! He would comment on a Facebook post I made, like the same Facebook post and then bring up the Facebook post again in a private message. There were several emotion icons in every email and  he would keep saying how appreciative he was that I was his friend….

Today I decided to be honest and tell him that I have no interest in actually dating him. I don’t want to drag that baggage into a new relationship and I don’t want this guy getting good hurt if in three months he sees I’ve changed my status to “in a relationship”; especially if this entire time he was hoping I would see the light and pick him.

I flat out told him that I wasn’t interested and was concerned that he was still hoping to more than friendship….

He was angry! How dare I accuse him of wanting to be more than friends? Why didn’t I believe him? He told me he was tired of my BS and I was being paranoid.

Once again, I blocked another guy on Facebook. Afterwards though I found myself wondering if I had actually misinterpreted his contact as flirting. Not that is really matters now; I’ll hopefully never hear from him again, but I feel like I’ve been out of the dating game for so long that maybe I’ve lost touch with what flirting is.

Was I right to assume he was still hinting at wanting more than friendship?

Thanks!

Dazed and Confused

DEAR DAZED AND CONFUSED: Honestly DaC, it’s a little hard for me to say definitively one way or the other without having been there to see the posts and the context. So I’m of two minds.

On the one hand, it’s entirely possible that you were a little hypersensitive – with good reason, to be sure – to the possibility that he was flirting with you. It’s entirely possible that he was a bit on the awkward side and more enthusiasm than grace – like the human equivalent of a golden retriever puppy stumbling over it’s oversized paws. If he was making a good-faith effort to tone things down after you asked him, I could see him feeling a bit put out when he was trying – in his awkward way – to be a friend.

That having been said, his reaction sounds over-the-top for the situation, and if he flips out that hard over being told “hey, it feels like you’re getting flirty again and that’s really not something I’m interested in…” then not only does it seem like a case of “he doth protest too much,” but weeding out someone who’s generally unpleasant and sets your Spidey-senses tingling.

In the future… honestly, like Private Number last week, I’d say let yourself be a little more on your guard and a little more hesitant to add people to Facebook if you don’t know them well. It’s possible that you’re a little hyper-vigilant, but that’s not a reason to ignore your instincts either. You can’t prevent dudes from pulling the Platonic Friend Back Door Gambit and trying to Nice Guy their way into your pants, but you can limit the access they have to you in your day to day life.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m an asexual woman in her early twenties. As much as I sometimes detest it, I really feel no sexual attraction at all, and I don’t think I ever will. Before I became familiar with the idea of asexuality, I assumed I was heterosexual with a low sex drive… but even back then I hadn’t had much luck in the dating area. I either thought myself too young for a relationship or focused most of my attention on education and hobbies. (I also struggled – and still do – with many self-esteem issues, but back to that later.) Up to this point, I’ve only been in one relationship, in high school – which was long-distance and lasted whole two months. Nothing physical happened, really, except for cuddling and kisses on the cheek.

I suppose it also might be relevant that I struggle with depression, anxiety and a bit of social phobia. Self-esteem issues, originating from not very pleasant experiences from childhood, are also a big factor in my romantic life (or rather: the lack thereof).

The problem is that, well, I do want a relationship. I’m interested in men and want a long-term partner – maybe even marriage at some point. The problem is that, mental health aside, I don’t feel comfortable pursuing a relationship or even encouraging possible affection, because I feel a bit like a fraud. Explaining asexuality to people tends to be awkward, virtually nobody is familiar with the term, and the thought of, for instance, creating a profile on Tinder immediately causes the internal response of “Even if someone does like me, how am I going to explain the ‘no sex’ thing? And what man is going to pursue a relationship with me, knowing that it means no sex at all for as long as we’re together?”. I feel as if I’d be deceiving the guys involved – thinking they’re going to enter a normal relationship and instead being forced to get acquainted with a totally new concept of human sexuality, which means that they’re not gonna get laid.

Now, I do realise that some asexual people opt for a compromise and agree for their partners to fulfill their sexual urges with other people, but I don’t really feel comfortable with that idea. I’d really like to be exclusive with whomever I pursue a relationship with… but that seems like an unattainable thing to dream of.

Working on my mental health is, of course, a priority, but I would really appreciate some advice with how to handle dating while being asexual. Are my worries unfounded? Should I just be more confident with my value as a person and a possible romantic partner?

Thank you so much in advance,

Ace Girl

DEAR ACE GIRL: This is going to be a thorny one and there aren’t any easy or clear-cut answers AG so let me start with this truth: you are absolutely deserving of and worthy of finding love and a relationship that makes you happy.

The tricky aspects come about when you want to define “relationship that makes you happy” and then going about finding one. As much as I promote maintaining an abundance mentality (more on this later), it’s possible to have things in your emotional or romantic make-up that’re going to restrict the size of your dating pool. If you (general you, not you, AG) are exclusively homosexual, then you by definition have restricted yourself to a much smaller pool of potential partners, just by dint of demographics; there are simply fewer gay, bi or pansexual people out there. That’s going to make things tougher.

In your case, being ace is going to cut down the number of potential partners; most people’s definitions of relationships include a sexual component, in one form or another. Now it’s entirely possible to have a companionate marriage – where your sex is de-prioritized or completely unimportant but the other aspects of your connection with your partner take priority instead. However, if you want a sexually exclusive relationship without sex… well, you’re going to have a much harder time finding someone who’s going to be on the same page as you. This isn’t to say it’s impossible, but the number of partners you might be compatible with will be very small indeed.

Now let me be clear: being asexual doesn’t mean that you’re not worth dating or defective. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have a lot to offer a potential partner or that there won’t be people who’d be lucky to be in a relationship with you. It just means that you’re not going to be compatible with a lot people… and to be honest, that’s for the best. Trying to make a relationship work with someone you’re fundamentally incompatible with is a recipe for heartbreak and sorrow, especially if you both really want to make things work.

So what about that abundance mentality I was mentioning before, when it’s pretty demonstrable that you’ve got a smaller pool of potential candidates than others? Well, abundance is about more than just playing the numbers, it’s about attitude. Maintaining an abundance mentality helps you develop and maintain your emotional resilience in the face of hard times and difficulties. It helps you not be destroyed by bad luck or dates that didn’t work out and encourages you to take risks that you might otherwise avoid if you believe that each rejection just means you’re one step closer to being forever alone. It means that you don’t get trapped in soul-crushingly toxic relationships simply because you think that’s this or nothing. So even when you can prove that your dating pool is more limited with charts and graphs, it’s still worth developing and maintaining that abundance mentality. Which actually brings us to the practical side of this ramble:

If you want a relationship, then you can and should look for one… just with a willingness to be creative and adapt to your circumstances. And a lot of that adaptiveness means deciding what compromises you are and aren’t willing to make in the name of finding a relationship.

To start with, you should do some deep thinking about just why you want an exclusive commitment. If sex is unimportant – or even repulsive – to you, then why would exclusivity be important? Is it because you worry that – even with an open relationship – your partner might want to leave you for someone who isn’t ace? Is it because you don’t know if you’re able to do the emotional balancing that open relationships frequently require? Is it because you’ve grown up with an expectation of exclusivity and you’ve gotten used to the idea versus what you actually want or care about? There’re no right or wrong answers here; you just want to make sure you understand yourself so that you can adjust your dating strategy accordingly. In terms of cold-blooded practicality, being open to a non-exclusive relationship will increase the potential number of candidates; however, in personal terms, this does you no good if non-exclusivity means you’d be carving out slivers of your heart every week.

You’ll have decide whether changing your standards is a compromise that’s worth making or if it’s a change too far.

The other thing I would suggest is that you adjust where and how you’re trying to find people. It may be in your best interest to find someone who is asexual, like yourself – it certainly simplifies the sexuality component of the relationship. I would also suggest that most online dating sites – particularly ones like Tinder – are not a good fit for you; most of the people there are looking for relationships where sex is going to figure in prominently. OKCupid isn’t going to do you much good if 99.999% of the people messaging you are looking for sex, after all. And while you can filter out the obvious bad candidates and search for people whose profiles de-prioritize sex, it’s still going to be looking for a needle in a haystack where the hay looks an awful lot like needles. Now there are ace dating sites or sites where people are looking for relationships where sex isn’t a priority, but you may have better luck simply building your social circle and finding your community. Cultivating a social network gives people a chance to get to know you and see all the wonderful things you have to offer instead of making a decision right off the bat like online dating does. This lets a potential relationship grow organically before they  have to decide whether they think a relationship with you is going to be worth the price of entry.

I’m not going to lie to you, AG: you’re going to have a harder time finding the sort of relationship you’re describing right now than most people will. It may well take you longer to find someone than you’d like. You may decide it’s easier to be single and find other things that fulfill you. It’s going to be up to you to decide whether or not you think the trials are worth it. But whether you do or you don’t: take care of yourself, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Find your Team You, who can provide you with support and encouragement when you need it. You should be your own first priority.

Good luck. And write back to let us know how things are going.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve just started dating a guy with some major sexist hang ups. He’s from another country so some of it’s cultural, but one of the big ones is that he kind of shames me for having slept with him so early (even though he did actually attempt to get me into bed even earlier). I’m not the sort of person who goes in for casual sex normally, so me sleeping with him so soon was unusual for me, but I don’t judge so-called sluts either, if you want to bang people you just met, have at, whether you’re male or female, you’re not hurting anybody. Because of my history he knows I’m not “a slut” but he’s completely blind to the double standard he has with regards to men vs. women in the matter of casual sex. He’s slept with about ten times as many people as I have, and some VERY recently before I showed up. Plus, he slept with me within the same timeframe, so how is that fair? He says that promiscuous people are more likely to cheat, which as well as being a generalization with no basis in fact, is twisted logic that if we were to follow to its conclusion, means he is more likely to cheat on me than me on him. How do I introduce him to the concept of equality in this area without completely bashing him over the head with a feminist tirade? You seem to be good at communicating these ideas. Language is an issue too as you might have guessed.

“Promiscuous” Girl

DEAR “PROMISCUOUS” GIRL: Gonna be honest, PG: I’m kind of wondering whether it’s worth sleeping with someone who’s carting around all of these sexual double-standards. To mis-quote John Waters: if you go home with someone and you find out that they’re carting around a lot of sex-negative, madonna-whore ideas about women and female sexuality, don’t f

k them. I’m also not terribly big on the “…but if you don’t teach me, how will I learn” argument that comes up a lot around matters like these, or the idea that women can or should be the emotional Sherpa to guide dudes out of their awful attitudes while putting up with their BS.

But hey, you know this guy and I don’t. Maybe he’s got qualities that otherwise make up for the fact that he’s kind of a chauvinist pig. Maybe I’m being unfair and there’s a legitimate chance to help this dude see the light. So how do you go about trying to change this guy’s mind without making him feel like going to get the Clockwork Orange treatment from Andrea Dworkin? Well, you challenge his beliefs… carefully.

One of the mistakes that a lot of people make when it comes to arguing with others is that it’s very hard to brow-beat someone into changing their minds; in fact, fighting with them is a great way to invoke the Backfire Effect, which means that they’ll just double-down on what they already believe, evidence be damned. On the other hand, one of the best ways to change somebody’s mind is to let them think it was their idea – to hide the fact that you’re Jedi mind-tricking them by leading them to a place where they start to question their beliefs themselves. It’s part of why the Socratic method is so effective; it feels more meaningful when it’s your own thought.

Challenging him head-on – telling him he’s wrong and a bad person (even though he is)  is a great way to make him get defensive and quit listening. It challenges his culture and world-view and that’s a hard thing to shake. Asking him leading questions, on the other hand, is a great way to start making him recognize the absurdity of what he’s saying – instead of your putting him on the defensive, you’re making him think about things he’s likely never examined critically in his life.

So the next time the matter comes up, talk about it… but from a questioning position, rather than a lecturing one. You want to emphasize that you respect his intelligence and see him as a partner instead of being ignorant. So taking up the point of “more promiscuous people are more likely to cheat,” then you point out to him the same logical fallacy you pointed out to me: doesn’t that mean he’s more likely to cheat on you? If he brings up the idea of women being sluts, then ask what makes the difference between a man with many partners and a woman with just as many. He’s slept with hordes of women, which puts him at far more risk for sexually transmitted diseases than you who’ve had far fewer partners. Why doesn’t this make him dirty? 

(For the record, I hate the idea that having an STI makes you “dirty” or “unclean” which is all kindsa crap. But using his language can sometimes get through in ways that using terms he’s not familiar with so…)

Make him explain the rationalization for it, then point out how it makes no sense. Ask what the magic number is for women – how many partners can she have before she’s a slut? Why is it that one time that makes a difference between a woman and a whore? What’s the evidence for why it’s ok for men to act this way but not women? Don’t accept “that’s just how it is” as an answer; ask why it’s that way. Make him explain it, in detail. Question each part – what evidence is there, why is it “just so”, who says this?

It’s also worth putting a face onto his ideas. Does he realize how insulting he’s being when he’s slut-shaming you for giving in “too quickly” when he’s the one who was pushing for sex. Point out that he was trying to have sex with you much earlier than you agreed to. Doesn’t that make him the asshole for wanting something from you then insulting you for providing it? Why should he want you if you’re “too easy”and – more importantly – why should you want him if he thinks that you’re not as “pure” as other girls? For that matter, isn’t it kind of insulting all around for him to assume that it’s just how guys are to want sex more than women? Are men just animals who can’t control themselves? Are men simply children who need to be reigned in by people more responsible than they are? If so, why should you want to date a child who’s ruled by his penis and needs someone to say “no” to him?

Another thing that’s worth considering is the “enlightened self-interest” angle – showing why his attitude makes things harder for him and why being more enlightened sexually helps create a world where sex is actually more available. I know a lot of people dislike this idea – it can feel like you’re telling dudes to collect feminist cookies in hopes of getting more sex – but studies have shown that demonstrating the material effects of an attitude or belief is one of the better ways to change someone’s mind. You’re not challenging their belief, you’re showing them a better way.

The other thing to do is that you want an alternative explanation to his just-so stories; leaving that informational hole without something else to take its place just means that he’ll fall back onto his original beliefs. It also helps to have a response for the usual tired old arguments. If he brings up the old “a key that opens a lot of locks is a special key, a lock that opens to any key is a bad lock”, then point out that a pencil that goes into many sharpeners gets smaller and more useless. If he goes into evo-psych about humans and primates and alpha males, you can point out that the only primates who have sex outside of estrus are bonobos, who don’t have male-dominated harems. You may want to look into getting copies of books like What Do Women Want and Sex At Dawn that help provide science-backed alternatives to the usual slut-shaming narrative and books like My Secret Garden that may help open his eyes to what women’s sexuality is really like.

It can also be useful to have a guy friend talk to him about it; not only do (sexist) men tend to listen to other men over women, but people in general tend to be more receptive to new information if it comes from someone who’s of the same “tribe”.

But again: that’s all assuming it’s worth making the effort instead of kicking the dude to the curb. Because quite frankly, someone insulting you for “giving it up too quickly” is a pretty good sign that they’re not worth sleeping with in the first place. Your call.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a long time reader and I’ve never needed personalized advice before (happy enough to read your advice to others), but here we are.

I have been dating Alpha for three years and a half now. We started having the best sex of our lives and then discovered we were meant for each other. He is intellectually stimulating in a way my former partners weren’t, he is caring (puts up pretty well with my ups and downs), he makes me laugh and he loves me unconditionally. These things have been there from the start and still are.

However, he’s also got pretty big family issues, he was depressed and addicted to drugs in the past and he probably has some kind of mental health problem – a mood disorder, I’d say. He refuses to seek help because of bad past experiences with psychiatrists and psychologists.

I’m 28 and he’s 26. I’ve got a degree, a nice job, plans for the future, lots of hobbies and tons of friends. He finished high school, dropped out of college, has no work experience, has isolated himself from his friends and, since we’re together, spends his time smoking joints, playing video games/instruments, reading and working on a crazy startup project (already for 2 years) which doesn’t look profitable at all.

I’m the caretaker type and I’ve reeeally tried. I’ve paid for a psychologist, but he stopped going. I’ve offered him love and all the space he needs (he’s a bit antisocial). About a year ago, I started feeling deeply unhappy: we spent almost no time together, no time with my friends ever and he talked all the time about moving together but didn’t seem to be getting anywhere with job/studies. I tried to talk to him many times, even sent him a letter. Nothing worked.

I recently moved out of my parents’ place, sick of waiting for him to get a job.

And then it happened. I went to a music festival and reconnected with a great friend, Bravo. I kind of liked him at university, but he was so difficult, and still is. Amazing, creative, fun to party with, a music connoisseur… but at 31 he’s still trying to finish his degree, has almost no work experience and is a bit of a mess. See a pattern there?

We started talking a lot, dancing and ended up making out while drunk. I felt so guilty. And Bravo doesn’t even remember!

The thing is Bravo and I have been having this weird story for 10 years. All we have had are drunken hookups because he was always so weird and I’ve always thought he found me hot, but he wasn’t interested. Sex has never been great cause he was always so drunk, too. I recently asked Bravo if he was interested in me at university and he was, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask if it was love or lust.

I was the first person with whom he cheated on his only girlfriend. I once kissed him while in a relationship crisis and broke up with the guy the next day. And now this: I’m in a crisis, and here he comes again.

After making out with Bravo and with another random guy, I told Alpha I needed a break. He didn’t think it was a good idea, suddenly realized how unfair he had been to me and surprise! the miracle happened. He got a job, he moved in with me and he started hanging out with my friends. He more or less forgave my infidelity, although he doesn’t know who it was with.

Fast forward two months and Alpha been having problems with getting paid. The little he’s got goes to the startup. I pay for everything. And he refuses to look for another job till they pay him, giving himself excuses. He tries to be tidy and clean around our home, but it’s not his nature. He tries to hang out with my friends, but I can tell he doesn’t enjoy it.

And last weekend I went partying. Bravo was there. My best friend and him are starting something long distance, and I’m happy for them – they’re a bit of a mess, but it might work. They’re two of my favorite people.

While drinking some shots, Bravo told me he’s starting to really like my best friend, and he doesn’t want to, he’s scared, since he always screws these things up. I told him he should really try this time, and also that I wish my boyfriend was partying with us, that things were better and that I loved him very much. We were happy for each other.

One hour later we were unspeakably drunk, kissing each other like teenagers and having to restraint ourselves not to go home together. We were even caressing and all fluffy.

And now I can’t stop thinking about Bravo, about our conversations and about having sex with him. He hasn’t texted me, but has replied to a text I couldn’t help sending. I don’t think Bravo feels the same way, he likes my best friend and it’s so difficult for him to like a girl.

So here I am. Alpha loves me deeply and has started to change (the job!!!), but it seems it’s not enough, and that he’s just doing it for me, not because he really wants to. I don’t want to leave him just when he’s trying so hard and make him move back with his family. I also don’t want to be unfaithful and I’m getting close to that every day.

And Bravo is starting something with my best friend. I don’t think I can compete with her, she’s great at charming guys. And I also don’t want to, since Bravo is basically like Alpha, the same red flags. Just a bit more of a party animal and more social, that’s it. And with a story of infidelity and fear of commitment, which makes him way worse than Alpha. Even if my body and feelings tell me so, I don’t want a relationship with him.

But what’s wrong with us? Why can’t we seem to move on after 10 years and still come back to each other even when it’s the worst idea ever?

What can I do, Doctor? I’m a bit desperate.

Attracted to Peter Pans

DEAR ATTRACTED TO PETER PANS: As similar as Alpha and Bravo are, you’ve got two different issues going on. But let’s start with Alpha.

Alpha is the classic definition of “wasted potential”. It’s not that he’s stupid, shiftless or otherwise a bad guy… it’s just that, at the end of the day, he has no ambition or motivation. He’s in a rut… and he likes his rut. It’s comfortable there. It doesn’t make any real demands of him. And that’s where he’s going to stay, an object at rest until acted upon by an outside force. It’s significant that he only started to change after you said you needed a break: up until now, his coasting along had no consequences. Suddenly, he’s faced with an existential threat to his relationship with you and he realizes that if he wants to date you, then things need to change!

And so they do. For a little while. The problem is that Alpha likes his ruts and he’s starting to settle into a new one. He may not be stoner slacker he used to be, but he’s gone back into autopilot again. He’s done enough to assure himself that the threat to his relationship has been removed and now he’s ready to get back to coasting. And that’s where he’s going to stay until there’s yet another threat to motivate him again.

But really, why shouldn’t he? As it is, there are no downsides to his behavior. He’s got you paying all of the bills and taking care of him like he’s a child. He’s got his minimal-effort life, just the way he likes it.

The problem is that he’s not a child, you’re not his mom and, frankly, you’ve got your own life to lead. It’s not your job to keep cracking the whip on him every time he’s about to settle into a new comfy rut. That way lies the path to resentment and bitterness on both sides: for you because you keep having to manage his life for him, and for him because suddenly you’re the taskmistress and harridan that keeps him from enjoying a fine indica and some Red Dead Redemption 2 marathons.

Then there’s Bravo. Bravo is like that song that gets stuck in your head. You may not think about it for years, but suddenly there it is again, that little refrain you keep hearing on repeat. The reason why those refrains get stuck in our head is because they’re incomplete; you didn’t get the closure of hearing the entire song so now you’ve just got the hook running in a constant loop. Like an earworm, Bravo is unfinished business. Yeah, you’ve had your drunken makeouts, but the emphasis has been on “drunk”. You two are clearly attracted to one another, but neither of you is willing to act on that attraction without the benefits of a little social lubrication. Maybe it’s because you recognize that Bravo is ultimately a bad scene and that there can’t be anything but a fling. Maybe it’s because neither of you is willing to take ownership of your attraction and need the convenient excuse of “what’s in that drink?” But whatever the reason is, Bravo is, in his own way, like Alpha: wasted potential. A potential good time, granted. But still only potential.

So what now?

Well, if I’m perfectly honest, my advice would be to ditch both of them. You’re presenting this as a choice between Alpha and Bravo and frankly, that’s a false dichotomy.

Alpha’s potential is vast, but he doesn’t need a girlfriend so much as a manager; he needs someone to put boot to ass and make him remember that he’s a grown-ass adult who has responsibilities. At the end of the day, the only thing that seems to motivate him is to hold the relationship hostage, and that’s not good for anyone. As awesome as Alpha may be otherwise, he’s going to be a millstone around your neck. Having to be responsible for him is going to make it that much harder to live your own life. Life is hard enough when you’re trying to live it on your own. Having to live it for two – especially for someone who doesn’t want to be an active participant – is just too much to ask. Even parents understand that at the end of the day, your job is to stop being a parent. Alpha needs to fly on his own, not drago you down with him.

Bravo on the other hand, is mostly appealing by contrast. Yeah, you two may have sizzling chemistry together, but right now his biggest draw is that he’s the opposite of Alpha. He’s dynamic where Alpha is passive, but that’s honestly about where it ends. And considering how many times that Bravo has cheated, or come close to cheating on his partners… well, I hope I shouldn’t have to point out that this it’s own box of red flags. Sure, they’ve all been with you… but that’s still a bad sign. He blows up every relationship he’s been in, and if he were to actually start one with you, then odds are that this pattern will continue to repeat itself.

Your best option is to leave both of them behind you and find yourself a guy who’s worth dating. Someone who’s emotionally healthy, has some actual ambition and drive and has his life together. Someone who isn’t like either of these guys in your life.

Really, if I were to be blunt, I’d say that you should dump Alpha, finally bang Bravo sober and then move the hell on. You deserve better than both of these guys, ATPP; you should find yourself a man instead of a couple of boys.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a situation that’s been in my head for days.

Thing is: I’ve been in the relationship with this girl. We’ve dated for few months, haven’t done anything further than kissing. Days ago I saw a receipt inside a bag, it turned out my girlfriend had bought a pregnancy test from a local shop. I was kinda shock and decided to do some Googling about the situation. Now, I don’t know if there is any other use of a pregnancy test, I haven’t talked to her about this. But is it what I think that is? Has she been with another guy?

Before I go ask her about this and try to understand the situation in a polite way, I just wanna hear some words from you Doc.

Thank you.

Jerk Brain Running In Circles

DEAR JERK BRAIN RUNNING IN CIRCLES: I think my first question would be… are you sure you’re in a relationship with her? If you’ve been on a few dates and all you’ve done is kiss, then I’d be kind of curious to know exactly how she would define the relationship. To be sure, everyone gets to define their relationship how they want and if that’s just how you two roll for now then more power to you… but this wouldn’t be the first time that I’ve heard someone who rounded up their situation to “dating” when the other person didn’t see it that way.

My second question would be: have you two ever actually had the exclusivity talk? I’ve also run into issues where one partner thought they were exclusive simply by dint of having gone on so many date; the other partner didn’t see it that way.

But let’s assume the answer to both is “yes”. In that case… well, I still don’t have any real answers for you because hey, I’m not there. There are plenty of reasons why she might have bought a pregnancy test that don’t mean that she’s cheating: she may well have slept with someone before the two of you got together and suddenly realized she was late. She may be buying it for a friend or family member who’s having a pregnancy scare but can’t get a pregnancy test for a multitude of reasons.

Or she slept with someone while you two were dating and now she’s worried that she may have gotten knocked up.

The only way you’re going to get an answer is to talk to her, not me.

If you want to know – and you may not want to know – is to ask her. But that’s up to you. I would suggest that the two of you have a “where is this relationship going” talk; at the very least, you should make sure that you’re both on the same page. But as for why she got the test? You’re going to have to decide for yourself how badly you want that answer, or if you’d be happier shoving that down the memory hole and pretending you didn’t see anything. Especially if it was a one-time mistake and not a pattern of behavior.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)