DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 25 virgin with no real experience with woman. I can make friends with woman but as for dating… nothing. I’ve always had confidence issues and just struggle to believe someone would like me that way. I am trying to break through this with therapy (Which won’t be starting till after the holiday) and I’ve joined a number of clubs but this could take some time to develop results.

I’m going to Amsterdam for a few days next month, basically a holiday with a few friends from college. Amsterdam is a nice city….but it’s also known for the red light district. So I think you can see where this might be going.

Being the only virgin left in my social group does play on my mind a lot. I know losing my virginity won’t solve all my problems but…. having it hang over my head is just exhausting. I also realize other people my age are in the same situation but within my social group I really am the last one left.

I just feel like such a loser when everyone’s drinking and talking about past sexual experiences. I’m also older than most my friends so being a virgin does get me down.

Overall my friends have been very supportive about it. My friends have teased me a little about it…with one hinting that I should go see a prostitute while in Amsterdam although I think he was just joking. Overall however they have told me it’s nothing to worry about and I’ve still got plenty of time. The group I’m going with have never asked but I’m pretty sure they know about it.

Honestly…. I don’t know what to do, I know people look down on this route of losing it….but at the same time the stress of being the last virgin really does get to me. I might feel worse afterwards but at the same time I might be relived to finally have got rid of it…. to be honest I have no idea.

I guess I’m just asking for any advice you might have,

Thanks

Red Light Green Light

DEAR RED LIGHT GREEN LIGHT: Here’s what I think, RLGL: I think visiting a sex worker is a valid option, if it’s going to ACTUALLY solve your problem.

What you need to do before you make up your mind is a little soul-searching and practicing some self-awareness. What, exactly is the issue you’re having with being a virgin? Is it just that you haven’t had sex? Or is it that you haven’t felt desired, that someone hasn’t felt like you were good enough to have sex with?

Part of why guys get hung up on being a virgin is that they see it as a Mark of Cain; they’re a virgin because it means that there’s something wrong with them. Just as dogs and bees can smell fear, women can sense whatever this flaw is and write them off as potential sex-partners. Other guys see it as a mark of accomplishment or skill – that having sex with someone means that you were able to seduce them or convince them to sleep with you.

In both cases, losing one’s virginity to a sex-worker is – for lack of a better term – cheating. It’s circumventing the system that regulates who’s supposed to have sex and who isn’t and thus… I don’t freaking know, the whole thing makes no sense. But the end result is a feeling of shame and remorse, that this somehow didn’t count and is just further proof that you’re dysfunctional at some level.

The problem is that this ignores the fact that sex isn’t a test of worth. As I’ve said bewfore: women aren’t Mjolnir. It’s not as though women only allow those who are worthy in. Women, like men, will often choose to sleep with people for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with the other person besides convenience. However, hooking up with a woman who has decided she’s willing to hang the nearest warm body is considered by many a “legit” to lose one’s virginity, while a sex worker isn’t.

The difference? One allows the fig-leaf of pretending that this followed the cultural narrative of how men are “supposed” to lose their virginity. It’s easy to tell yourself that you were chosen instead of “enh, you’ll do”. It also ignores that sex workers can and do choose their clients. An escort may well have put more thought and deliberation into accepting an appointment from a virgin than somebody who just wants to get laid that night.

The odds are also better that with the right sex worker, you may actually enjoy your first time more. A lot of people who lost their virginity the “traditional” way will tell you: it’s often a fumbling, confused mess. Having someone who’s focused on you, on your comfort and pleasure could make all the difference in terms of enjoying the experience.

Now: ignoring what other people will say about how you lost your virginity (since you don’t have to tell them) – how would YOU feel about losing it to a sex worker? Will you always think of it as not being “real”? Are you always going to worry that people are snickering behind your back, even if they don’t actually know? Are you going to think of it as “cheating” and keep holding onto these feelings of low self-worth because of it?

Then I’d say you’re better off to save your money and put it towards working with your therapist.

On the other hand, if you just want the act done and the knowledge that you’ve actually been inside another person and you aren’t going to get hung up on it being part of a commercial exchange, then hey, go for it. Do some research before you go. Read blogs written by sex-workers. Listen to their podcasts. This will teach you a lot about how to treat them with respect and find the right sex-worker for you — and to make sure that you’re booking with somebody who’s doing sex work of their own free will instead of having been trafficked. Visit the brothel’s websites, see what they offer. Read some reviews and see about finding a specific brothel that will suit your needs. You may even be able to book an appointment in advance instead of wandering around and getting increasingly intimidated and possibly picking someone at random and ending up disappointed.

As far as I’m concerned, virginity is an artificial construct with out actual meaning. It’s no different from going skydiving or having gone on a road trip; it’s just an experience you haven’t had yet. So visiting a sex worker for your first time is going to be as legit as any other method. It’s just a question of how you’ll feel about it afterwards.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m wondering if you can give me some advice about a sticky situation with a geeky friend?

I’ve a really close friend who’s on the spectrum - specifically an Aspie. He’s also a bit socially awkward and completely conflict averse. We’ve worked together on projects for years, usually one assisting the other, more often me being in charge. We’ve always worked well together and gotten along; we’re both nerdy and have a lot of the same interests, particularly in books and stuff. This friend would be someone I feel very close to, and since I was bullied a lot growing up I find being close to people kind of difficult. I look on him sort of like a slightly younger brother, and try to look out for him when we work together, since I’ve seen him be taken advantage of before. I also always try to make allowances for the fact that he’s not neuro-typical, because I know it makes his life more difficult.

Lately though we’ve encountered a problem. During a mutual project, one which he was leading, we ended up bringing in an outside person. This person was very rude and belligerent to me, speaking over me, belittling my contributions and generally behaving like a git. He also made some very unhelpful comments about people with mental health issues (and the project in question is about mental health issues, something I also suffer from). Suffice it to say the whole interaction was awful and uncomfortable as hell; everyone around the room felt it.

Unfortunately, because my friend was the lead on the project and I didn’t want to undermine him, I didn’t feel like I could call a halt to things myself as I usually would have, and my friend didn’t step up. He just doodled on his papers and said nothing.

When it was over I was quite shaken, and explained that I would prefer not to deal with that person again. My friend seemed to feel this was my being irrational, that I was finding fault where none was. Anything I said about how uncomfortable I felt was presented as my being “mean,” or trying to “cause trouble,” and “not being willing to hear feedback on my work.” I pointed out that I had no issue with feedback: I’ve taken it for years, and did indeed use anything this person said which I found interesting or helpful. I just didn’t like how he treated me.

This didn’t seem to matter, however, and I eventually disengaged from the project (my part was done). I have kept a distance since, only coming in when and if needed. It seems to be going well (as I knew it would) and I have no doubt it will be a success. My question though is, how do I deal with my friend?

I know he is quite stressed at the moment and also that he is conflict-averse. (He is currently seeing the person I didn’t wish to work with every day.) However, I don’t feel I can pretend that everything is ok and I would like to talk to my friend about my feelings when the project is over: do you have any ideas for how I might do this? Like many Aspies, he often misses social cues or finds things which would bother other people baffling because they wouldn’t bother him. I understand that. But I don’t think I should have to put up with nasty behavior (or his enabling and excusing it) because of that. I get enough of that s

t already.

Any advice you could give would be gratefully received, because I really care about this friend and I’m afraid this will poison our friendship. What can I do?

Yours

E the Super-Villain

DEAR E THE SUPER-VILLAIN: There comes a point in every relationship – regardless of the kind – where you have to make a choice: say take action and risk the friendship, or let things continue as they are. Because not taking any kind of action just means that you’re going to be dealing with this situation again in the future.

Now, the actions to take could range greatly. You could have a full-blown Come To Jesus with your friend and explain – with slides and graphs if needed – exactly why this guy was being a jerk and how it differs from “criticism” or your looking to “cause trouble”. You would likely need to go in point-by-point order to connect the dots, as well as require your friend to explain how and why you would be causing trouble in this case – possibly several times to get the point across.

I’ve got a friend who’s Christian. She’s pretty relaxed about things in general, but she feels her faith pretty deeply and takes it seriously. I, on the other hand, am somewhere between an agnostic and Taoist and have little regard for organized religion in general. I also swear like a sailor. It bothers my friend when I say “goddamn”, which is practically punctuation for me. I don’t get how it’s offensive, but hey, it bothers her so I do my best to not say it around her.

I mention this because the fact that I don’t share the same emotional twinge around the phrase doesn’t negate her offense. She’s my friend, this bothers her, I don’t want to bother her. Therefore I do my best to not say it around her.

Your friend may not understand how this dude’s behavior offends you. But that doesn’t let him off the hook, especially as project leader.  Even if he doesn’t feel the same level of offense doesn’t mean that he gets to ignore that it bothers you.

If your friend doesn’t recognize things as being a problem if he can’t perceive them as being a problem, and you are going to have to spell it out. This is likely going to end up being an ongoing discussion, possibly with reminders and a series of notecards.

(Say what you will about the Clara Oswald/Peter Capaldi era of Doctor Who, Clara providing a list of acceptable responses/ this is how you’re offending people for The Doctor may serve well for any number of geeks in similar situations)

Another option may end up having to be downgrading your friendship with this guy. If the risk of this conversation poisoning your friendship is high enough, then not saying anything may mean that you’re going to have to be less involved. Especially if your new co-contributor is going to be an ongoing part of his life.

If he’s willing to ignore or excuse your discomfort or mistreatment in the name of going along to get along… well that’s a pretty sh

ty way to treat a friend. Being conflict averse, awkward or on the spectrum doesn’t give him a “Get Out of Being a Decent Human Being Free” card.

I get that it’s hard to stand up to others, especially when you’re not sure about the social cues or rules in a situation. However, even if he can’t lead the charge, he can, at the very least, back you up as you enforce your boundaries and tell the other dude to STFU.

From the way you describe things, your friend may not grok the why, but he could certainly figure out that you were upset and being bothered by this guy. Your friend may not recognize social cues, but he does have a sense of empathy. It may well be that, for someone as conflict averse as him, it’s easier for him to just brush you off rather than put himself in a position to have to do something about this. You, after all, are less likely to get in his face than the new guy.

Hopefully he’s not actually that much of an a

hole.

If you’re going to hash this out, then be clear and be willing to connect a whole lot of dots for him. If he can’t necessarily make the intuitive leap from behavior to reaction, then you need to spell it out. Probably in great detail.

It may well be that what you need to do is – in addition to explaining why this other guy was being a dick to you, what you would like from your friend in situations like those. Having a set of guidelines to follow might empower him to speak up next time.

If you two are as close as you say, then I’d like to think he’s willing to listen and recognize your needs in this. Things may get tense for a time, but with luck, the love and respect you two have for each other will let your friendship recover.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m having a hard time maintaining a post-breakup relationship.

This is the first time I (she/her) am making an effort to stay friends with my ex (he/him). We’ve been together for three years, sharing an apartment for 1.5 years. I ended things 4 months ago and moved out 1 month ago.

Since the breakup, he has asked me multiple times in different ways if I could imagine some form of cuddling/sex and I have always clearly said “no”. This was even a source of arguments when we were still together because I hadn’t been sleeping with him for some months…

A few days ago we spent the first evening together as really just friends and just the two of us and contrary to my fears it went pretty nice! We cooked, talked, listened to music. To me it felt nice and friendly, not too close or boundary crossing. Two days later he messages me “I guess this still doesn’t change the fact that you don’t want us to be closer? Sure, we had tasty food, a bottle of wine, listened to some cuddle-compatible music…”

My first instinct: Damn it, I shouldn’t have done that! I was getting his hopes up with this atmosphere.

On second thoughts: Wait, I told him a million times that I don’t want to get physical with him. Do I really have to engineer our time in a way it does not get too cozy or send any ‘vibes’? Can I only put on death metal when we’re together so that there won’t be ‘that kind of mood’? Noooooo? Is it simply too soon to be friends like this?

So I messaged him that I feel like I have to state clearly for one last time that I won’t ever kiss him again or anything and that it stresses me out that I have to repeat it.

His reaction (in short): Stop mind-reading me, I was asking a question! Stop projecting your worries onto me! You don’t understand me anyways.

Grrrarg. Am I overthinking this? Am I mind-reading him? In a way I shouldn’t? I have a really hard time understanding his message any other way than “Is there a tiny chance we can bang now that we drank wine and listened to some mellow music together”? Am I crazy?

Thank you so much

Navigating Muddy Waters

DEAR NAVIGATING MUDDY WATERS: No, you’re not overthinking this. Your ex is invested in the idea that you’ve changed your mind – or that you will, eventually – about sex with him. He has his desired outcome – sex with you – and is working backwards from there. There’s literally nothing you could do that your ex isn’t going to take as a signal. If you were drinking Topo Chico and listening to Gorgoroth, he would still find some way to frame it as your sending him a vibe somehow.

This is a form of Nice Guy behavior; he knows what the answer is, but he’s trying not to hear it. He wants the answer to be yes – or at least “eventually” – so he will twist himself into logical pretzels to justify holding on to hope that your resolve is weakening. He will take almost anything as proof that maybe things are finally coming up Milhouse. Whether it’s the fact that you drank wine instead of beer or soft drinks, the music that was playing or just the tone of voice when you said “no”, he will latch on to anything that he can point to to say that you’re changing your mind. This way, he can frame himself as a romantic hero instead of a habitual line-stepper.

The problem is, well… you’re refusing to play along with his fantasy. You’re stubbornly refusing to heed the siren call of his boner and so he’s getting frustrated. Moreover, he also knows that his place in your life is precarious; as much as he keeps stepping over the line, he realizes that if he pushes too hard, you’re going to run out of patience. Since his plans to get you back in bed are predicated on maintaining this “friendship”, he knows that he needs to keep you from kicking him to the curb. Except you’ve just called him out on his crap. So he does what many, many lame dudes have done before: he puts it on you. You’re imagining things. You’re reading too much into it. You never understood him and that’s not what he’s like at all. It’s bulls

t; dude is as transparent as glass. But we live in a culture that continually teaches women to not trust their own instincts or even their own lived experiences and so you get that nagging feeling in the back of your mind. Is he right? Are you sending him mixed messages?

No. No you aren’t. You’ve been clear about your boundaries and that sex is never, ever going to happen. He just doesn’t like the answer.

And here’s the thing: under other circumstances, somebody wanting to make sure they weren’t catching a vibe would be reasonable. There’s nothing inherently wrong with a person double-checking about whether they were reading things correctly or not. But those aren’t the circumstances in your case. You’ve been saying “no, nein, nyet, nu-uh” over and over again. You have smacked him upside the head with a clue-by-four with the words “NOT INTERESTED” carved into it and he’s chosen to not pay attention.

So since the Clue By Four didn’t work, it’s time for the Chair Leg of Truth instead, and the Chair Leg of Truth is wise and terrible. This dude is going to keep pushing at your boundaries because he isn’t interested in being told no. So you need to tell him, for the last time: Not just no but HELL NO and not only do you not appreciate his constant pushing and line-stepping but the way he tries to put that on you instead. And if he’s going to keep acting like this, then you’re going to have to make sure he gets the message by choosing the Nuclear Option and dropping him like 5th period French.

You can give him a last chance if you really feel the need. But just between you, me and everyone reading this, I am here from the future to tell you: he’s going to pull this crap again. He’s a habitual line-stepper. It’s what he does. And I think you’ll be much happier in the long run if you kick him to the curb with the quickness.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So a girl I’ve hung out with constantly for the past 7 months turned me down when I asked her out for a date. I was cool with it and now she seems angry that I moved on and is trying to make me jealous on social media and showing up places I go with other guys. My guy and girl friends confirm this seems to be the case.

Why is she acting like this when she rejected me?

If it makes a difference, she’s really shy and introverted

Thanks.

Shot Down In Flames

DEAR SHOT DOWN IN FLAMES: There are two possibilities here, SDIF.

The first is that, as someone who’s shy and introverted, she changed her mind and doesn’t know how to tell you. So now she’s playing these weird games to try to get you to ask her out again instead of muscling up and using her words like a grown-ass adult.

The other is that just because she didn’t want to date you doesn’t mean that she didn’t like the attention, SDIF. Some people get a thrill about knowing that somebody’s got a thing for them, even if they themselves aren’t interested. It’s a boost to the ego to know that somebody’s into you and some people dig the sense of power it gives them over that person.

It sounds like your friend is one of those people. So while she may not have wanted to date you, she enjoyed the attention you were giving her. When you took “no” for an answer like a gentleman and moved on, it meant that she wasn’t going to have that same hold on you. So she may not want you, she doesn’t want anyone else to have you either. So now she wants you to get jealous and start competing for her attention and affection.

Either way, it’s a stupid game. And when you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. These aren’t the actions of someone with high social and emotional intelligence. Even if she is having second thoughts about turning you down, these games are a strong indication that you lucked out when she turned you down.

You made the right choice when you moved on. I suggest you keep on moving and leave her and her games behind.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m taking a big step this spring and moving in with my boyfriend. After a year of long distance, we can’t wait and it’s the first time either of us have lived with a significant other. But last night, as I clipped my toenails in bed, I asked myself – am I gross?

Being away from him, relishing my privacy, I might have picked up a few indecent habits along the way. And what about the rest of my adult life? My underwear is ancient (I’ve had it since high school). I really like the taste of anchovies. I pop the occasion zit. You get the point.

Should I clean up my act? Or expect him to embrace my foibles?

Sincerely,

(Probably) Kinda Gross

DEAR PROBABLY KINDA GROSS: Not gonna lie, PKG, I cringed a little about clipping your toenails in bed. Not the activity, just the location; I mean, the idea of those suckers getting caught in the sheets and scratching you as you’re trying to sleep? Geh.

But honestly, you seem, to be conflating “being gross” with “having a body and existing in physical space”.  We’re sacks of tapioca and bacon piloting meat robots, which means we’re going to experience the weirdness that flesh is heir to. You’re going to need to trim your nails. You’ll have ingrown hairs in inconvenient places that need to be taken care of. You’re going to fart, belch and piss. Unless you’re dating someone who is under the impression that you’re an incredible simulacra of a human being, biological processes are going to happen. Trying to pretend they don’t is just idiotic.

Now in fairness, there was a point where women were expected to pretend that they didn’t fart, sweat or require any maintenance whatsoever. There are women of our grandparents’ generation who would get up hours before their husbands so that their husbands never saw them without makeup on.

It was absurd then and it’s even more absurd now. Part of living together is the increased comfort and intimacy with living with someone. That means learning to adapt and live with their picadillos and all the various ways that our bodies do weird crap. And with that increased comfort comes increased acceptance that goes from “afraid to acknowledge that you use the bathroom on occasion” to “Hey honey, come look at this incredibly messed up thing.” Because there’s only so much pretending that you don’t have biological functions that you can do before you start getting weird.

To be sure, there are some things that are reasonable things to ask for. Cleaning one’s hair out of the drain in the shower, making sure one doesn’t miss the toilet in the middle of the night, not leaving snotty tissues on every flat surface… these are all things that should come standard when you’re shacking up with someone.

But loving somebody and living with them means accepting that they’re meatbags, same as you. That means there’re going to be times when one of you will rip a fart in the shower that’s so loud, the other will hear it in the kitchen. And then they can either pretend that they‘ve never had a gastrointestinal system… or you can give them the highest of fives.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 26 year old man in an open marriage that’s recently become long distance. This letter isn’t about my relationship with my wife; going long distance has been stressful and problematic but we’re finding ways to cope. There’s also a clear timetable for us to return to co-habitation.

Instead, this is about my former secondary partner, who I first met around the same time as my now-wife. She is a few years younger than me, and at the time that we met had only had one sexual or romantic relationship, while I was considerably more experienced. We quickly settled into a very close friendship with elements of casual sex and BDSM. She always knew about and was incredibly supportive of my relationship with my now wife.

This continued for around 18 months, until my elopement – which she was invited to, and initially planned to attend. She cancelled at the last minute, and we had to scramble quickly to find a replacement witness. A week or so later, she ended the sexual aspect of our relationship.

Fast forward eight months or so, and we rekindled that aspect of our relationship, but it didn’t last long; she started seeing someone new very shortly after, and chose to take a step back again, before starting to ghost me. After a few weeks of relative silence, I called her out on this behavior, which she acknowledged she had been doing; when pressed as to why, she pointed to “a

hole”-like behaviors of mine that I didn’t think were new aspects of our interaction.

At this point, I should point out that I have Asperger’s – which she knew about for a long time, and has experience with family members with the same diagnosis. I apologized without reservation for anything I had done to make her feel uncomfortable and asked for her help in mending any broken bridges. She refused and we haven’t spoken in the four months since; I chose to prioritize self-care as I was going through a difficult period between jobs, arranging my “official” wedding, moving country, and starting a new degree course.

Now that the transition period is over, I’m in a different country from my wife, and I’m finding not having the close friendship I had with my former partner to be very stressful. I miss the role she played in my life, but I also miss her just as a person. I don’t know if there’s any point in trying to talk to her again; when we last spoke, it felt like she made her decision to distance herself from me long before I challenged her over it.

Any ideas on how to fill this gap?

Lonely Poly

DEAR LONELY POLY: I have seen situations like yours before LP, so I’m wondering about a detail you left out: was your secondary partner interested polyamory before you two got together?

I ask because there’s a tale as old as… well, modern poly relationships anyway… where one party of the triad or quad or what-have-you got dragged into being in a polyamorous relationship as the only way of being with their partner. They aren’t happy with being poly, doubly so if they’re not primary, but they take it as a price of entry into the relationship with their snugglebunny. For a while everything tends to be fine… right up until their partner and his or her primary decide to be serious. Maybe it’s getting married, maybe it’s deciding to have a kid or buy a house together, but some form of “this is now a serious relationship” has taken place.

The problem is that, up until this point, the reluctant poly person was able to handle things. Maybe they harbor the fantasy that maybe they’d be primary. Or – even better – they may believe that if they stick in there, they may finally get to be the exclusive partner. But now that the primary pair have solidified their commitment, the secondary is in a quandary: either they have to give up on the fantasy that things will change or they have to give up on the relationship.

More often than not, they tend to choose the latter.

Is this what happened? I don’t know. The timing of your secondary’s exit – both from your wedding and the relationship – certainly implies this. The fact that your rekindled relationship didn’t last and she proceeded to start cutting you out also suggests to me that she tried again and just couldn’t handle it.

But again, I could well be wrong, and correlation isn’t causation. I’ve only got what you tell me to work with, and you kind of elide over certain details like what those “a

hole behaviors” were. It could just as easily be that she got tired of your s

t (you know, the “usual aspects” of your relationship) and the fact that things hadn’t changed meant that she decided to “Nope” the hell out again afterwards. Your behavior running up to the wedding could just as easily have become insufferable and while she was leaving you in the lurch, “that’s all she can stands ‘cuz she can’t stands no more,” to paraphrase my sailor grandpa.

The only person who can tell you the real reason is your friend and… well, she doesn’t seem to be in a sharing mood. Her continued radio silence is likely her own form of self-care. Maybe she’s still pissed at your behavior. Maybe she realized that she’s the Martha to your Ten and had to get out of a situation that she knew was bad for her. Either way, you’re probably going to have to accept that she’s gone. It’s good to want to be friends after a break-up but some people won’t want it back. Sometimes there really is no bridging that particular gap and there’s nothing left to do but just accept it and move on.

So as much as it sucks – and it really sucks when a treasured friendship ends –  you may just have to let this friendship go. If you can learn from it and not make any mistakes you may have made the next time, then that’s some value you can take from it. But unfortunately, the best thing you can do now is let her go and find some new friends. If she ever decides to come back, it’ll be her decision and on her terms.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m dealing with a guy who won’t take a hint, and it’s starting to freak me out. Imagine the most “Nice Guy” of nice guy behaviors, and you’ve got this fellow. I’ve worked part-time in a cafe for about three years, and he started working there about a year and a half ago. After a few months of working together he decided he had a huge crush on me. I rejected him, and he physically assaulted me by trapping me inside a booth against the wall at a bar and hugging me until I literally started screaming. (I was there with my friends, and he just decided to invite himself. I don’t know how he got the info about where we were.)

About eight months ago he told me again that he has a huge crush on me. I tried my best to deflect.

Fast forward to now. He’s been pushing his friendship on me really hardcore in the past six months or so. I try to keep it at arm’s length (I will never trust someone who has so blatantly ignored my “no”) but I’m non-confrontational and I’m definitely feeling the effects of my female socialization to “keep the peace,” despite the fact that I *hate* feeling like that. I partly thought that was a safer option because he’d been seeing someone else so I assumed he stopped liking me. Unfortunately, when I’m at work and he’s chatting my ear off or when he’s incessantly texting me, sometimes it’s easier to just reply than to ask him to back off. Because when I do put my foot down he throws a big “woe is me” party and is impossible to work with, not just for me but for everyone.

In the past month he’s been bending over backwards to try to hang out with me alone. No amount of me saying “I’m busy,” “I already have plans,” “no thank you,” or even “I have a date tonight” has hindered the attempts. This behavior clued me in that his romantic feelings clearly hadn’t died, but I tried to ignore it in a naive hope that it would go away. Then he recently sent me a long text message not just asking me out, but extolling all these reasons he likes me and thinks I’m basically more awesome than other people. (Ugh. I don’t want to be anyone’s unicorn.) Though he included a bit about respecting my friendship regardless of my answer, I’m (justifiably) skeptical about that.

I wrote him back and firmly said I’m not interested. He appeared to accept my answer. Since then, though, he’s texted me several times and mentioned the situation in a roundabout way, always implying that he wants to hear from me. Normally I would write back and tell him, straight up, that he needs to respect my boundaries and leave me alone. I’ve done it with people before. But because we have to work together I’m afraid that if I say something direct, he’ll just throw a tantrum and I’ll end up suffering. (For context: I told my manager about the physical assault, but because it didn’t happen at work there wasn’t much the manager could do other than ask me how to make work more comfortable for me.)

I KNOW I need to stop catering to him when he pushes his friendship on me, and I need to stand firm and tell him to respect my boundaries. I want to tell him to back off, but all I can think about is last time I rejected this dude I got physically assaulted. By the way, I’m 27, and he’s a decade older than me.

Seriously…please help me. I don’t know how to do what I know I need to do.

– Respect. My. Boundaries.

DEAR RESPECT MY BOUNDARIES: OK I’m going to start this with a HOLY HOPPING SHEEP S

T PINNING YOU IN THE BOOTH LIKE THAT IS GODDAMN NOT ACCEPTABLE. Jesus Christ, I’m kind of astounded you don’t mace the guy on principle at this point.

<ahem>

You know what you need to do, RMB, and I think you’re asking me for permission to do it. So… permission granted. You need to tell him, straight up, to step off. No soft “no’s” – he clearly gets them, he’s just ignoring them. No, you have to draw on your training in Kun L’un and focus your chi until your “no” becomes like unto a thing of iron. Leave no room for doubt: you don’t like him, you don’t want to be friends, you definitely don’t want to date him and you really don’t appreciate the bulls

t he pulls to get your attention. And then you go full nuclear on him: block his number, his Facebook account, his Twitter feed, everything.

Now, when you do confront him, you may want to have a friend (or two) for back-up. He’s already assaulted you once when you rejected him; it’s not unreasonable for you to be worried that he might do so again or – worse – escalate. So enlist some friends to be your brute-squad and, if necessary, run interference if he tries to roll up on you again. It may also be a good idea to tell your manager that this is an ongoing problem – one verging into harassment. Looping them in may well be a good idea, if only so that you can do things like get scheduled to work completely different shifts from this guy. If he does starts to get threatening or pushy after you’ve told him, then it’s time to seriously consider talking to the police and the wisdom of a restraining order.

What you shouldn’t do is shoulder any responsibility for what he does. Dude is a grown-ass adult; if he throws a tantrum or has a public sad, that’s on him, not you. You’re not responsible for managing his fee-fees, nor are you there to pick up the slack if his pity party makes him unable to do his goddamn job. Either he can put on his big-boy pants and deal with the rejection or he can suffer the consequences of his own behavior. You are not responsible for him in any way, shape or form. 

So. Tell him off (with backup), tell your manager and leave him to have his sad. And if he gets worse: talk to the cops.

Good luck, RMB.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Love your site and it’s definitely been an inspiration, I just recently bought your book New Game+ and have been reading through it to try to get more insight into all the areas of social interactions that I never understood.

Your story regarding being “The one who wasn’t good with girls,” really hits home for me. I’m 26 now and I feel like I’m struggling with trying to become a better version of myself as quickly as possible so I’m doing too much at once just so that I can attract women because I feel lonely and honestly go through long stretches of dry spells which compounds everything. It feels like I’m not being authentic and I don’t know how to get the constant drone of “Sex, sex, sex, sex,” from out of my head. The ironic process theory struggle is real, so any insight or wisdom you could offer on re-calibrating my goals and/or fixing my mindset so that I can actually progress would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for making an awesome site!

New Man Plus

DEAR NEW MAN PLUS: It’s awesome that you’re putting in the work NMP! But – as paradoxical as it may seem – the best thing you can do right now is ease back on the throttle. I get that you want to improve as quickly as possible, but it gets really easy to take on too much at once and end up not doing any of it well. Start by recognizing that this is an ongoing process, a marathon, not a sprint. You want to conserve your emotional and mental energy so that you don’t gas out midway through. This is a lifestyle change, not a crash diet; slow changes are easier to absorb into your life and make it part of you. Plus: as much as you may want to get to the end goal as fast as you can, enjoying the process of improvement can be critical… especially since you may find that what you want changes as you do.

So take a breath. You’ve started down the path. You’ll get there, as long as you don’t exhaust yourself in the process.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)