DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve got quite the problem, I’m shy, introverted, and never really get out. I’ll start with my biggest problem, I don’t get out much. I go to college and work and that’s about it. About once or twice a month I’ll hang out with friends but that’s as much as I get out of the house. I used to get out a lot more, but as my friends got older they took on more hobbies, extracurricular activities, and some got girlfriends, so all their time was taken up and that has left me with no excuses to get out of the house. I’d love to get out more but going places without people you know is always kind of intimidating. What would you recommend I do to feel more comfortable when I’m out without people I know? What are some kinds of places or activities would you recommend for going out to meet new people, maybe some new friends or maybe some ladies.

My other problem is partly because I’m shy. I’m not completely shy; like I can hold a conversation on something I’m knowledgable or passionate about, but I can’t carry on a conversation very long by myself. I also am clueless on how to start up a conversation (with the ladies) in a situation where you wouldn’t normally meet. If I were at school or at work,I can easily start up a conversation with my female coworkers or classmates since I have a solid reason to, like just talking to pass the time at work or start talking about something related to the class, and can go from there in the conversation. But, in a situation where it is a completely random girl, I have no idea how I would even say hello without it being weird. Since I’m someone she doesn’t know who doesn’t have any real reason to talk to her out of nowhere, how would I even approach her without being weird? So basically how would I start up a conversation with a girl I’ve never met before and have no reason to talk to her but I’d like to get to know her? And then even after that how would I direct a conversation so it could be something I am knowledgeable on or passionate about so I can actually talk and not sit there like a log awkwardly? And what are some ways to keep the conversation from being dull?

And lastly, I’m more of a person who only talks when the subject is about something I’m knowledgeable about or am passionate about because I don’t want to say something that would make me sound like an idiot, so I end up just being someone who only listens in most conversations. How could I enter a conversation on something I don’t know much about without sounding like an idiot or completely derailing the conversation?

Thanks,

Pink Slip

DEAR PINK SLIP: Ok PS, this is one of the times when the answers to your questions all build off one another. Take, for example, how you start overcoming your shyness and get out of the house more… even when you don’t have anyone to go with.

The first thing I always recommend to people is that they leverage their interests. You want to find ways of taking the things you already love or are passionate about and find ways to use them to meet like-minded folks. If, for example, you like tabletop games or RPGs, it’s worth hitting up your local gaming store. They’ll often have tabletop nights to bring people together to play boardgames, host RPG groups and have other get-togethers for people who’re into dice, boards and miniatures. You might also seek out events like pub-quizzes, especially if the group running them will help put you together on a team. If you’re feeling more physical, then you might try an amateur sports league. There are also frequently Meet-Ups on many different topics; finding a couple of these is a great way to meet folks who share your interests.

But one thing to keep in mind is that you need to go more than once. In fact, becoming a regular – whether it’s to a gaming event, a pub quiz or even a bar – is part of how you start learning how to overcome your shyness. The more you become a fixture at these events, the more comfortable you become; you’ll feel more familiar with the venue or the event, you’ll feel as though you have a better grasp on the unwritten etiquette and mores, and you’ll start seeing many of the same faces over and over again. Even if you’re only on a nodding acquaintance with them, it will help you feel more at home, as it were, to see folks you recognize. That, in turn, will help you feel like you’ll be in a position to join in conversations or to start them yourself.

Speaking of which: I think that you, like many folks, are seriously overthinking what it takes to start a conversation. How many times, for example, have you been standing around some place – at a bar, in line at Starbucks, waiting for class to start – and someone makes an idle comment or observation? Somebody else responds and suddenly, a conversation’s broken out.

That is 90% of starting a conversation. It’s almost always a simple question or observation and things go from there. If you look at the various “openers” that pick-up artists talk about, you’ll quickly see how many of them are simple questions. Even the more elaborate routines – like the famous “Jealous Girlfriend” opener – start as asking somebody for their opinion about something, then pivoting to getting to know them better. And honestly, you can start a conversation with just about anything, including a direct “hey, you seem like you’re really interesting and I wanted to say ‘hi’. My name is…”

What you don’t want to do is try to force a conversation to go in a particular direction. I realize you feel more comfortable when it’s a subject you know a lot about… but not everybody is going to be interested in those subjects, nor are they always going to want to talk about them right then and there. After all, other folks are going to have things they like to talk about. In fact, understanding that is like a conversational super-power. As I’m often saying: we all love to find someone who wants to hear what we think about something. Most of the time we meet people who are just waiting for their turn to talk; finding somebody who wants to listen is rare and precious. The thing to keep in mind is that not knowing something doesn’t make you stupid or foolish; it just means that you don’t know something. Instead of trying to pretend that you’re actually knowledgeable about the subject, ask questions. Let them tell you about it, while you ask clarifying questions or try to make sure you’re understanding them correctly.

This is why you shouldn’t be afraid of being an active listener and asking relevant questions – especially if you don’t know much about the topic. The fact that you’re paying attention and want to know more makes them feel good, and they’ll associate those good feelings with you. This, in turn, invokes the Reward Theory of Attraction – we prioritize our relationships with folks who make us feel good.

I realize that meeting new folks can feel intimidating, but I promise you: it’s not nearly as difficult or as intimidating as you think. A willingness to let other folks talk, to listen and to show that you’re listening, and to adopt a learning mindset instead of trying to show how big your brain is will go a long way to improving your social life and social skills.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have enjoyed reading your column and listening to your podcast. I’m a straight white cis male in my mid thirties just getting out of a relationship that lasted 10+ years. The type of relationship which I thought was going to be my last, where we lived together for years, where all our friends know each other, where we were the most important people in one another’s lives. Ending the relationship was my call and I know that it was the right thing to do. Things had been getting bad for years and weren’t going to get better.

I feel vaguely optimistic about what’s next in my life but also am aware I am in a pretty emotionally vulnerable place. Most days are good but this is a whole new world for me. I’m not looking for dating advice per se, that doesn’t seem like something I want to dive into right away, but life advice on how to keep in touch with myself, get ready for whatever is next and avoid any potential pitfalls along my way.  Any advice for the newly single and not really ready to mingle? 

Best,

Enjoying The Silence

DEAR ENJOYING THE SILENCE: My go-to advice for folks who are newly single – whether they want to be or not – is to focus on yourself. What are the things that bring meaning to your life, that make you want to get up in the morning? These are the things that you should prioritize in your day to day life. Is there a project that you’ve been meaning to start, a trip you’ve wanted to take or some other event that you’ve left on the back-burner for a while? Now’s the perfect time to pursue it. Not only will this help keep you from dwelling about being newly single, but it’ll make you feel better about yourself; you’ll have a sense of accomplishment and achievement and you’ll feel like you’re doing something with your life instead of being stuck in a rut or floating along aimlessly.

The other thing that you’ll want to do is start focusing on the other, non-romantic relationships in your life. One of the unfortunate side-effects of a lot of our relationships is that they tend to be the primary focus of our time and energy. As a result, we have a tendency to let our other relationships slip down the priority ladder. Taking the time to reconnect with friends you haven’t seen in a while and maintain the friendships with folks you have been seeing is an important part of anybody’s life, but especially when you’re single again. Not only is it important to have a Team You in your life, but it’s good to remind yourself that there are other folks in your life – folks who love and care for you.

Taking the time to rest up and build a life that you’re thrilled to live, single or otherwise, is going to be key for moving forward. Because when you have that awesome life and you’re ready to date again? Then it’ll be that much easier to find someone who’ll want to take part in it.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently read your book “I Got Her Number, Now What?” but didn’t think it completely applied to the situation I am in/ questions I have.

I met this woman in Vegas, she was in our group of friends but I didn’t know her prior. We ended up going on a mini date and kissing and cuddling. She lives in Pittsburgh and I live in Philadelphia. I texted her and based on the book, I can tell I made some mistakes by killing the momentum and being boring. She has left me on read twice, but after the first time she responded to my funny text, we had some back and forth and then once again she left me on read because of the momentum.

My question is should I apply the same fundamentals for someone that lives long distance? Keep the texts short, fun, and lead to a date or try and get to know her, since dates will be few and far between? Since it is long distance, we won’t be able to meet for a decent amount of time, in that case how much should I text her after she’s agreed to the date? Say she says she is free to go on a date in 3 weekends?

Thanks,

West Philadelphia, Born and Raised

DEAR WEST PHILADELPHIA, BORN AND RAISED: One thing you’re going to want to keep in mind: sometimes folks aren’t going to respond – keeping you on read – because they don’t have anything to say. It’d be nice if they sent an emoji or other indicator that they read whatever you sent and liked it, but on occasion there’s simply nothing to respond to.

Now as for your situation, distance is going to be a problem. The guidelines in my book were written with a view towards dating people who live within easy driving distance. Unless you and she are in the habit of travelling to each other’s cities on the regular, it’s going to be difficult to propose a date if the two of you haven’t already been a little flirty and leading towards a conversation of “well, I’d love to see you if you’re ever in town.” It’s easier to propose a date with someone who’s in easy driving distance because it’s less of an ask; it’s not as much time out of their lives, nor does it feel as though you’re asking for more than just a date.

It’s one thing to ask somebody “hey, how do you feel about cocktails and pinball?” when they live in town with you. There simply isn’t as much of an investment of time and effort. If someone’s coming to your town specifically to see you, then it can feel like there’s more on the line. After all, they’ve come all that way; that makes it feel like the expectations are higher and more impactful, and that can make folks a little uncomfortable.

Now, if you happen to have business – actual business, not a BS excuse – to go to her town or vice versa, then it’s much easier to propose a date. “Hey, I’ll be in town for a work thing, would you like to get together?” feels far less consequential than “I’ve spent X amount of dollars and hours just to see you”.

So were I you, I’d feel out just where things are going. If the conversation is already heading in flirty directions, then by all means, propose the date. If not, then I’d say focus on the getting to know one another more and see where things are going.

And if you do plan a date together, then keep things light, friendly and flirty in between. Just don’t make the date itself a constantly recurring subject of conversation, outside of firming up plans. If it feels like you’re obsessing about the date or making a big deal out of it, it may make her feel uncomfortable about what exactly you’re expecting. It’s one thing to be excited and looking forward to it. It’s another when you KEEP talking about it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a nerdy guy in high school and while I’m not particularly looking for any relationship, I never feel like I could ever be in one. My crush is way, way out of my league (not in a popular clique way, just in I assume I wouldn’t get the time of day and I’ve waited to long to make a move) and all the time I feel obscenely average. Sure, I get better grades than a lot of people, which then makes me feel guilty that I whine, but I don’t feel much in the self-worth department. Then there’s the guy I call TDP

TDP is Too Damn Perfect. He’s someone I am friends with but half the time want to rip his throat out. You see, I sit next to him in lessons, and every time he recites a particular anecdote, or performs some amazing magic trick or slight of hand, I want to punch him in the face then inevitably be destroyed by his black belt Tae kwon do skills (After mockingly berating my for calling it karate)

See where I’m going with this? From my perspective this guy has it all, a string of romantic interests, good sports skills, way better at all subjects, general knowledge, and most infuriatingly, nerdy interests that he can dive into.

He’s a good guy, and obviously not trying to make me feel like crap, but he does. If I ever brig up the subject he’ll just go on about how he’s not the best, and he hates that, and complain about it. Similar to what I do but, hey ho, I’ve never had a real relationship (move on to that later….)

It really doesn’t help that TDP is a member of the band I’m in (It’s definitely not mine). Playing bass is about the only interesting thing I do, and while I can play, I only have a basic knowledge of actual playing, rather than anything technical. So when TDP comes in talking about scales and fancy Italian words I want to hit him with his drumsticks. To top it all off he can play bass at what I perceive to be the same as my level, which brings me out in red. 

Usually I can suppress this anger and just hang around him. But every so often he’ll say one harmless comment which I take as particularly condescending and and up pissed for the rest of the day. I know I need to get over myself and live my own life, but this cycle and getting pissed and leaving it needs to stop and you’re the harsh talking kind of guy to do it. I feel insecure, worthless, and end up wondering just what are my chances with a woman if they can pick the superior guy next to me?

Now, I’ll mention relationships now. I’ve had pretty much no action in my life. I tried to get to know someone over Facebook (pathetic, I know) and that just fizzled, and while I’ve had a couple offers, they’ve all been from people I consider friends, nothing else there. The only action I’ve ever had is at a boozy party. My mates decided it was time they really got pissed, and being boring as hell, I didn’t like the idea at all. Still, I went, barely had a drop, but the interesting thing is a drunk chick (who I don’t know) coming onto me. Seeing because I’m lame and old-fashioned, I did not want to take advantage of her when drunk, so just pushed her away. At school I was getting ribbed by my friends and she was apologizing profusely , noting how she gave ‘a bad first impression’ and ‘would want to talk as normal people’. End of the week my band was playing an open mike night and she and her friends were there. After a crap load of peer pressure, I was pushed towards her sitting alone, and we talked. And kissed. I was pretty on top of the world- first kiss, first chance of a relationship, I was clapping myself on the back for not taking advantage…

Then it fell apart. I hung out with her and her friends for the day a few days later, and it was okay at first, but she seemed distant later on in retrospect. Day after, by text of all things, she confesses how she was only liking me as a friend and it wasn’t going to work out.

Fan-bloody-tastic. 

In retrospect I was more into the idea of a relationship than one specifically with her, but still it hurt. No-one seemed to ask about it at all, so I kept it bottled up. This came with the insecurities of thinking if one day is all it takes for someone to not stand me, then I must be unattractive as hell. Plus I haven’t talked to her since then, so I really have no closure whatsoever.  To bring it full circle though, she mentioned how someone was annoyed at her for coming onto me in the first place, because the other girl had a thing for me,  and then my crush, as a passing comment, noted she hated her (The drunk). My brain put two and two together, and I came to the conclusion my crush may like me!

Of course that is more wishful thinking. I know it is extremely unlikely it’s connected, yet it has brought my infatuation with my crush to new heights. My lack of self esteem, proneness to jealousy, hatred of the social hierarchy, fear of being a fool, and knowing I’ve missed my chance prevents me from doing anything. Besides, as you’ve said, high-school romances suck (though not from where I’m standing…)  

So what can you prescribe Doc? I am assuming a bottle of Man-The-Hell-Up and some Get-The-Hell-Over-Yourself are going to be useful, with some added Believe-In-Yourself and that snake oil. It’s been good to vent anyhow, I just want to know, when the hell can I stop comparing myself to others and start getting to places with women? I’m guessing college, but that’s just too far away…

Pretty Bloody Average

DEAR PRETTY BLOODY AVERAGE: You answered your own question, PBA. You’re in high school. I’ve written about dealing with dating and crushes in high school before, but the short version is: quit worrying about it. I know it seems like your entire universe now and escape seems like a lifetime away, but the purpose of high school is to lay the groundwork for who you’re going to grow into. Spend less time worrying about getting action now and more time putting in the hours that will lead to you being knee-deep in women later.

But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about, PBA.

I wanted to talk to you about Too Damn Perfect.

In some ways, it’s nice to have a nemesis. It gives you an external source that you can focus your attention on, someone who you can put all the blame on. He makes for an excellent excuse for everything that isn’t going right in your life.

‘Cuz in a lot of ways, that’s what you’re doing. You’re shirking your responsibility and putting it all on him. I don’t blame you. Who needs to scale Everest when Sir Hillary got there first? Right? Right?

You’re hardly alone though. Just about everyone has a nemesis like Too Damn Perfect. Hell, I had two; my brother and my friend Miles. Miles looked like the bastard love child of Rob Lowe and Zac Effron. He was popular. He could sing. He played guitar. He could be goofy in that endearing way that women adore. He excelled at sports. He was the genuinely the nicest guy you could ever meet. And there were times I wanted to throw acid in his face. As long as Miles was around, I would disappear into the woodwork; most of us would because well… c’mon. He was Miles. How the hell are you supposed to compete with that? I had women run right over me to get to him when we would hang out.

If he weren’t one of my oldest and dearest friends, I’d totally hate him.

And you know what? It was completely one-sided. Miles had no idea1 that I resented the hell out of him showing me up just by existing.

(Until now. Hey Miles! Love ya, buddy!)

As far as he was concerned, everything was great. Because if you ignored my self-centered emo bulls

t, it really was. Every problem I had with Miles was all in my head.

I hope you see where this is going.

You’re expending an insane amount of mental energy and wangst on your nemesis. I imagine you start grinding your teeth every time he just glides his cool-ass down the hall like the cool dude he is and you’re stuck wondering what he’s doing right that you’re not.

Wanna know what Too Damn Perfect’s doing right? It’s in what he’s not doing.

He’s not spending all of his time griping about someone else. 

It’s time for The Chair Leg of Truth: there will always be people who are better looking than you, smarter than you, smoother than you or more skilled than you. This is true whether you’re Pretty Bloody Average, Dr. NerdLove or Brad goddamn Pitt. The sooner you quit complaining that these people exist – as though they are somehow responsible for your failures – the sooner you will actually start seeing them as the resources they are.

Y’see, after I started working on how to get better with women, I quickly realized that the best thing I could do is to surround myself with people who are better than me. I hung out with some of the best pick-up artists, smooth talkers and natural ladies men out there. And you know what? It made me better. To be sure, it could be damaging as hell to my ego to watch my friends snag the hottest women at the bar while I was going home alone to an ever-increasing porn collection, but watching them drove me to improve myself. I had to make the mental switch from resenting them for their successes to being inspired to do better myself. If I had hung around with people at my own level or lower, I’d be enjoying the ego-strokes, sure… but I wouldn’t feel the need to push myself past my limits or to get out there and keep pounding away at my sticking points.

And this included Miles. Once I understood that my issues and shortcomings were my responsibility, I began to see him in a new light. He wasn’t my nemesis. He was (and still is) my friend and an inspiration to me.

Too Damn Perfect isn’t sabotaging you. He’s not letting you do all the work and then swooping in and stealing your girl out from under you. He’s not going out of his way to screw with your head. He’s just hanging out, being a genuinely good guy… who happens to be everything you wish you were. If you’re pissed about how you can’t meet a girl because someone so cool is right next to you, then you have two choices: you can either try to escape Mr. Cool – which is the coward’s way out – or you can cowboy the hell up and start making yourself cooler. The fact that TDP is awesome does not in any way limit your potential coolness. Only you are doing that. You’re giving him power he doesn’t have and attributing responsibilities for things that aren’t his fault.

You’re the one in control of your brain, PBA. Flip the switch. Reframe the situation. Too Damn Perfect isn’t holding you back or taking anything away from you. Once you realize that, you’ll come to realize that he’s one of the best potential friends you could have.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 22 years old student and I’m currently facing difficulties in my social life. Until the past 1 or 2 years, I was living a very asocial life. Even though I’m an introvert, I managed to get back on my feet quickly and I’m pretty happy with my progress. The problem is, living a big part of my life as an asocial person (Especially the teenage years) has almost permanent effects on my personality. Trying to change them for good becomes a frustrating struggle. Let me elaborate.

Nowadays I’m very good at networking and communication in general. In fact, I’m a talkative person. But when it comes to dating, since I don’t have much experience, I face with lots of problems.

After one or two dates, I struggle too much with trying to find things to talk about and things to do together. But I think I know the reason. A person with a background of active social life has lots of things to talk about because he/she have been to lots of events, met many people, gone to many places etc. But someone like me with asocial hobbies realize that you don’t have any interesting things to talk about, you don’t know much good places to take your date to. You realize how boring you became over the past couple of years.

I’m a guy and I really don’t have this problem in my normal day-to-day conversations, especially with guys since we usually have common interests. I mostly struggle during a date with a girl. I don’t have much experience with dating and I think I became too boring for a girl to spend time with. Maybe I’m too focused on my approaching career and working too hard. I need to take a break and become a more fun person to spend time with. But the process of trying to change my personality is hard. I’m getting tired, but learning a lot at the same time.

Physically, I’m not a bad looking guy but I can be considered as a shy “good guy”, which girls, especially the ones at my age, are not really into. Even worse, I’m very emotional and tend to overthink everything to an extend where it puts me in deep stress and depression. I get attached to a girl very quickly. But girls on the other hand are usually the exact opposite. Since there is always a guy trying to date with them, they don’t really care and go with the flow. This kills me because I care about every little detail and overthink everything just to realize the girl does not even remember my age (or any other basic information about me). The reason is, she knows there are plenty fish in the sea. But there aren’t plenty for me.

There are other side effects of my introvert personality such as not being able to make eye contact. But in short, I don’t know how to date. I want a girl to have fun spending time with me. And I want to be able to transition from casual coffee dates to an actual relationship. I don’t really care about casual hookups, I’m looking for a serious relationship. I know I’m young but I’ll graduate soon and I’m afraid I won’t be able to find the right person.

I fail a lot but keep trying. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks,

First Time Unlucky

DEAR FIRST TIME UNLUCKY: Ok FTU, I think you’re a classic case of “the problems you have isn’t the problem you think you have”.

Your biggest issue is that you’ve made a classic mistake – something that lots of guys before you have made. You’re treating dating and socializing like it’s a separate part of your life. You’ve created this false duality: the version of you who’s talkative and charismatic when he’s “networking”, and this person who’s shy and retiring when he’s “dating”.

But the thing is: that’s the same person. It’s not like you’re Dr. Jekyll as long as business cards are being exchanged and Edward Hyde when you’re hoping to get a phone number instead. It’s still you. It’s not even as though they’re completely unrelated skills. The principles that affect how that you connect with people when you’re networking are exactly the same when you’re trying to make friends… or when you’re trying to connect with someone on a date, for that matter. They’re all forms of fostering relationships; the only difference is the end goal. If you’re networking, you’re trying to build a relationship that will lead to a stronger professional connection. If you’re on a date, you’re hoping to build a relationship that will lead to a stronger personal connection. And to be perfectly honest, the changes you need to make to reach these different goals are fairly minor. You’re still looking for commonalities, because we instinctively like people who like us. You’re still looking to create positive feelings in the other person, because they’ll associate you with feeling good. The difference is that, on a date, you’re making a point to show sexual or romantic interest and you’re sharing a little more about yourself.

Your problem isn’t one of personality, or even an inability to change. You’ve already proven you can change. You said it yourself: “Nowadays I’m very good at networking and communication in general. In fact, I’m a talkative person.” Call me crazy, but that sounds like a pretty different person than someone who was incredibly isolated and asocial. But you perceive yourself as someone who Is Not Good With Girls and that makes all the difference.

And it’s perception that’s the problem. You’re making judgments that aren’t accurate based on mistaken perception. You see yourself as Not Good With Girls and so you frame every interaction in that mindset. You assume that you’re boring and so you come across as boring; you treat conversations as an imposition on women’s time and energy. You assume that women are drowning in men’s attention and so you have to compete with literally every other man out there. As a result, you’re continually convinced that you’re losing out to some phantom man. And literally none of that is true.

I mean, seriously. Talk to some of the women in your life and you’ll realize that not only that there isn’talways a guy trying to date them, but that all attention isn’t good attention. For a lot of women, all that attention isn’t Studly Goodnight asking them out for a night of wine and roses, it’s a horde of men saying “Want some dick? Want some dick? Want some dick?” It’s like saying that somebody is lucky that people are always offering them food when the food they’re offering is moldy garbage.

But you aren’t moldy garbage, FTU, you’re a tasty gourmet meal… so why are you selling yourself like you’re garbage?

Women aren’t forgetting information about you because they’re swimming in dudes, it’s because you’re not giving them any reason to remember you. Nobody is going to be interested in dating someone who presents themself as “It’s ok if you don’t want to date me; I wouldn’t want to date me either.” There’s a reason why Marvin the Android and Eeyore aren’t sex symbols, my dude. If you want women to give a damn about you, you need to give a damn about yourself first, not sell yourself short.

So the first step for learning to get better with women for you is learning to live like you give a damn. What is it about you that makes you unique? What makes you special? What would make any woman lucky if she had a chance to date you? And if the answer is “nothing”… then it’s time to go out and start finding those things. If you’re ashamed of your hobbies, then start finding some new ones. If you love the ones you got, then the key is to find people who love that stuff too.

It’s not that you have to be the brightest, shiniest penny. You don’t need to appeal to everyone; not only does this foster weak attraction, but it’s impossible on its face. As Dita Von Teese once said: you can be the biggest, sweetest, juiciest peach around and some folks just plain won’t like peaches. All you need to do is focus on being the best version of yourself. Yeah, this means that you won’t be everyone’s cup of tea… but you will be somebody’s shot of whiskey.

It’s not that you need to change your life, FTU, it’s that you need to change how you see yourself. You’ve achieved more than you realize, you’re capable of more than you believe and you’re stronger and more desirable than you know. You just won’t let yourself see it.

Start seeing yourself through different eyes and recognizing how much of a sexy badass you already are and you’ll start getting the results you’re looking for.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, I am a senior in high school and have been in a relationship with my lovely, wonderful, adorable boyfriend for about a year and a half. We communicate really well, but I’m a little socially awkward and I wanted to see if you could shed some light on a situation that I might be misreading.

My boyfriend is captain of a sports team at the school. He is very close with them and calls them his ‘family’ on many occasions. He seemed eager to introduce me to them, and though we probably wouldn’t usually run in the same social circles, we

seemed to get along well enough when in a group.

However, whenever they want to get together with him last minute and we’re together, he feels the need to ask them for permission before allowing me to come. Which I get, but they always says yes… He still seems really nervous about me coming, even if it’s just to chill, and avoids giving me a direct answer when I ask why. It’s not a dude thing either, because the girls and boys teams almost always mingle together. I’ve asked multiple times if I should just back off and never come to events, so he can spend private time with his team, but he always says that’s not necessary, asks permission, and then sits staring at his phone waiting for it.

One time, he held a traditional pre game dinner at his house. I was staying for the weekend, and both my parents were in different states, so I didn’t really want to go home and be alone. He said I could stay, but that some of the guys might not like it if I was upstairs. I was shocked. I hid in his room while he brought dinner down to me. I couldn’t even leave the room to eat, I guess.

I felt terrible about this situation, and he apologized, but it still felt really wrong. I felt like he was ashamed of me.

What gives? Is there a hint I’m not getting here? Should I back off from his team and just not say anything? What confuses me is I’ve offered and he’s never taken me up on it. This is the only consistent problem we’ve had.

Dirty Little Secret

DEAR DIRTY LITTLE SECRET: There’re a couple of possibilities here, DLS.

The first is that he worries that having his girlfriend around would shake up the vibe of the group, especially if his friends and teammates aren’t bringing their significant others to the shindig. Some people worry about being the person who’s always dragging their partner to stuff, even when it may not be appropriate for that partner to be there. It’s also possible that he worries that by bringing you to things, people might think that you’re forcing yourself along or that you’re so clingy or needy demand-y that he has to bring you along.

The second possibility is that he’s embarrassed to have you around. Now I want to insist: this doesn’t mean that you are the problem. Some guys, especially in high-school, are stupidly insecure about who they date. For many young guys, the goal isn’t to date someone they think is hot and desirable, it’s to date someone they think their friends would think is hot and desirable. If he thinks his friends might give him crap for dating you, then he may try to keep you away from them in an out-of-sight, out-of-mind scenario.

The third possibility is that he’s embarrassed about them. Maybe they’re assholes. Maybe they say stupid and hurtful crap and he doesn’t want you to hear it.

Or it’s possible that you and his friends weren’t a great fit and he doesn’t know how to talk about it with you.

But I have no way of knowing, especially since I’m not there. The only person who can tell you what’s going through his head is him.

(What I can say is that sure, I get that you guys are in high-school but JESUS this dude is handing things badly. Keeping you sequestered in his room all night? What the hell, actual?)

You need to sit your boyfriend down and have an Awkward Conversation with him about this. His behavior is making you feel like he’s ashamed of you and you’re his dirty secret. You don’t deserve to be treated that way, especially by someone you love and who loves you. So it’s time for you to explain to him how this behavior makes you feel and how you want an actual answer from him.

Just be ready; the answer you get may not be pleasant, for a multitude of reasons.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)