DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in one of those situations where you break up with someone, but they don’t take it seriously.

This dude. Just. Cannot take responsibility for his own emotions. I would appreciate any kind of advice or confirmation that I’m not completely insane (or if I am insane, let me know).

Back story:

I met this guy in Feb 2019. We had some things in common and were basically a couple of weirdos in a very conservative town, so we got along swimmingly. We dated for TWO WHOLE MONTHS and had a FWB thing going on for about seven months. I quickly discovered that he can’t function independently, is a giant man-child, and is completely unable to feel emotions in a healthy way.

Well. We officially broke up at the beginning of September. He actually initiated it. We both agreed we would be better off as friends, as we were completely incompatible in a relationship (something we discussed later as well). I told him I was ok with a FWB arrangement moving forward, but nothing more. He agreed. Well… despite all of this, he didn’t take the breakup seriously. He continued to treat me like we were dating and expected me to “come around” and take him back.

This made me uncomfortable because what he was saying and what he was doing were two very different things. It culminated in a discussion last week where I had to actually sit him down, look him in the eye, and give him T-Swizzle’s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together (Ever)”. I had to say “I do NOT want to date you again” multiple times before it really sunk in. He left, obviously feeling not great. But that’s what happens when you break up with someone.

Once he left, he messaged me and asked “when did you suspect I still had feelings for you?” and I was like… since we broke up, it was pretty freakin’ obvious, my dude (I was nicer about it when I told him). That did not go over well. He immediately blew up and directly blamed me for leading him on. Here are some direct quotes for your context and entertainment:

-“I am upset that you knew I had feelings for you and never directly addressed them before looking elsewhere.” (WE BROKE UP MY DUDE)

-“It sounds like you figured out how I really felt and you still allowed me to hold on to you like that while you were looking at other people.” (WE BROKE UP ALMOST TWO MONTHS AGO)

-“I would’ve rather you went no contact before you talked to other boys.” (IT’S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE DECISIONS FOR YOU)

-“You don’t seem to care that I’m struggling with this particular aspect.” (WE BROKE UP, YOUR EMOTIONS ARE NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY)

-“What you did was wrong, and I’m not engaging in any form of friendship with you until you’ve apologized.” (WAT)

-“You’ve been such a good friend, and I’m having a hard time… I basically can’t believe I called you my friend while you were doing that.” (MANAGE YOUR OWN EMOTIONS)

-“If I was aware of something I was doing that could hurt a friend, a romantic partner, or a family member, I would either 1. Not to do it or 2. Talk to them about it until we were on the same page and come up with the best solution to make sure no one got hurt.” (WE BROKE UP DUDE IT’S GOING TO SUCK. THERE IS NO SOLUTION WHERE NO ONE GETS HURT.)”

-I just feel really bad that I was seeing you the way I did while you were sending whatever my imagination can come up with to other people.” (COOL STORY BRO)

I keep replaying these messages in my head and I’m just… so confused. This does not fit my understanding of an adult relationship (and I’ve been reading your blog for years). Am I nuts? Am I wrong for expecting him to manage his own emotions and, if he had an issue, cut things off himself?

I super appreciate you and your time,

What Planet Is This

DEAR WHAT PLANET IS THIS: A lot of my answer is going to depend on your timeline, which is a little unclear in the letter, WPIT. If I’m understanding things correctly, you dated for two months, then broke up and had the seven month friends-with-benefits relationship before having to have a final Come To Jesus/We are Not Doing This conversation that lead to your contacting me.

Before I get to your question, WPIT, I want to talk about responsibilities when it comes to managing emotions and what we owe to our exes when you’re breaking up with someone. Break-ups are never pleasant, even when they’re relatively amicable. When we break up with someone, we’re drawing the curtain on our shared past and causing a fundamental change in our relationship. Sometimes that change is ending the relationship completely; we’ve decided that we don’t want to see that other person (or vice versa) for whatever reason. Other times, that change is to the nature of our relationship; what once was romantic or sexual has become platonic. It may turn into a close, intimate friendship. It may become a more nodding acquaintance as we go in different directions. It may become acrimonious and one that we are maintaining only because of outside forces (co-parenting children, having to live together in the short term, etc). But even pleasant change is still change and adjusting to the new status quo can be difficult.

This is why when we break up with someone, we ultimately owe them three things. We owe them respect, we owe them clarity and we owe them as little unnecessary pain as possible.

All of these are important. When you break up with someone you want to at least show respect for them as a person and be upfront about what you’re doing, rather than ghosting or passive-aggressively trying to get them to break up with you… though, that respect may be “we’re doing this from a healthy distance because I don’t feel safe doing this in person”. While no break-up is completely painless, if you’re leaving someone, you want to avoid causing pain that could otherwise be avoided. In practice this means not dragging it out, not being cruel and possibly even leaving out unnecessary information. Sometimes “It’s not you, it’s me” is the kindest true thing that you can say; leaving the “I can’t stand you/ I’ve been banging your brother/ I’ve been dying to leave you for years” unsaid is a kindness, because the full truth is painful and unnecessary.  And clarity is important, because otherwise you end up with people trying to re-litigate the break-up or even arguing whether you were broken up in the first place.

In this case, WPIT, and assuming the timeline is as I said: while I think you could’ve handled things better at the initial break-up, no, it is absolutely NOT your responsibility to manage his emotions.

Let’s talk a little about some best practices that might’ve helped. I think the segueing into a friends-with-benefits relationship might have been blurring the line between “broken up” and “not”, depending on how you were conducting it. If you were still going out on dates, hanging out and otherwise carrying on the way you more or less had been just without the labels of “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”… well, it’s understandable that he might have thought this was something more than casual. Especially if he still had feelings for you. Unfortunately, when someone’s been dumped and they’re still carrying a torch for their ex, there’s a tendency to undergo a lot of motivated reasoning about what’s happening. As with dudes dealing with oneitis, there’s a LOT of reading the tea leaves and trying to find “proof” that your ex is changing her mind. Even when you have to invent it whole cloth.

Honestly, I think the kinder option would’ve been to have called things quits entirely, especially if you knew he still had feelings for you. It’s not your responsibility to manage his feels, but making it clear earlier that this was strictly a “we are not dating, we are not getting back together, we just bang on occasion” would’ve spared him some heartbreak and you a lot of headache.

But all that having been said: you are correct, it’s on him to handle his s

t. While it would’ve been kind of you to apply the Hobnailed Boot of Reality to his dreams of getting back together… he was the one holding on to that possibility. If he would’ve preferred a “no-contact” option when you were meeting and dating other guys, then it was on him to decide to break contact, not you. You were also not responsible for whatever he imagined you doing with other guys, even while he was nursing his hopes that you would come back. And if he felt that things were unfair or unreasonable, he was perfectly capable of saying “hey, I’m having some issues here and I’d really like to discuss them with you,” which could’ve lead to a clarifying conversation. Not one that he would have liked, mind you. But a clarifying one nonetheless.

But since he couldn’t be bothered to do any of this, he’s putting the blame for his self-induced heart-ache on you. And while I can sympathize with the “continuing to have feels” part, the rest involves him having his head firmly wedged up so far up his own ass that he’s become a human Klein bottle.

The only solution for him is, frankly, to muscle up and deal with his own feelings, on his own time.

And you may have to help him with that by pulling the Nuclear Option and blocking every social media account, email and phone number he has.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I grew up in a religious household, one that strongly believed in the idea of no sex before marriage. I had chosen to remain a virgin until marriage, but wound up losing it anyway. This upset me pretty badly, made worse when my family found out. I’ve since had more experience (always feeling guilty), had in toxic relationships that I stayed in only to validate the activity. It’s been a long struggle, but I’ve become comfortable with myself and who I am and want to be, especially sexually.

I am now dating someone in my own faith and assumed I would wind up returning to my original choice to wait, especially since he was a virgin. As you may guess, this did not happen, but I find that this time, I’m actually comfortable with the result and enjoying myself and him in a way I never did before. I’m still having one problem, though. He is aware of my sexual history before him and, while he’s never said or even implied anything derogatory, I still feel embarrassed and ashamed at anything that hints at my past. I feel uncomfortable with the fact that I know what I’m doing and with telling him what I like. Half the time, I find myself laughing uncontrollably while I try to spit the words out, but mostly I just want to curl in on myself. I’m almost there, but can you help me cross that final barrier to being a confident sexual being?

– No Longer Waiting

DEAR NO LONGER WAITING: Oh man, there’s so much in this, NLW that I don’t really know where to start.

Actually, I take that back.

Your letter nicely illustrates one of the biggest injuries that our sex-negative culture inflicts on people – women especially. Now I’ll be the first to say that people are welcome to take sex at their own pace and wait until they’re ready. That being said, I think that waiting until marriage isn’t a good idea; sexual compatibility is an incredibly important part of a relationship and one’s wedding night is a very bad time to find out that the two of you have entirely different ideas about sex. I think that this attitude robs people of the opportunity to explore their own sexuality and get to know just what they want, how often they want it, how they need to get off and what they will or won’t consider when it comes to indulging a partner’s fantasies.

Just as importantly however, is that it perpetuates the commodity model of sex – that a woman’s worth is based on the amount of sex she doesn’t have – and perpetuates the Madonna/Whore view of women. And that’s where the damage really starts to sink in. It’s bad enough when guys internalize the idea that women who’ve had lots of sex have something fundamentally wrong with them, but the damage that it does to women, not just to their psyches but their lives.

Bad enough that you lost your virginity in a way that — from the sounds of it – was not the way that you wanted. Even more so that your family got involved – evidently blaming you, because of course women have to police men’s sexuality (he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm and trying not to vomit). But it was this line in your letter NLW really leapt out at me:  

“I’ve since had more experience (always feeling guilty), had in toxic relationships that I stayed in only to validate the activity.”

That, unfortunately, is an incredibly common story, especially among women I’ve known who’ve come from backgrounds similar to yours. One of the side-effects of the sex-negative culture in America – the wackos who insist that women should be virgins until marriage and have no sexual autonomy – is that it promotes the idea that “if he puts his d

k in you, he owns you for life.” There’s an implied sense of obligation to stay now because – as Elizabeth Smart articulated brilliantly – you’ve been taught that you’re worthless and nobody is going to want you now. I’ve got very good friends who, like you, stayed in toxic, even abusive relationships because they were taught that sex was dirty and shameful unless it gets the holy stamp of Church and State approval; leaving the relationship would only mean that they’d done something wrong in the eyes of God and man.

So, yeah. I’ve kinda got a beef with the people who teach sexual shame and trade on ignorance, fear and negativity, especially in the name of a caring and loving god. The damage they do is farther reaching than I think anyone realizes.

Case in point: you’ve had a long and difficult struggle with coming to terms with your sexuality and being willing to take ownership of your life… and frankly you should be applauded. This is an incredible testimony to your strength and perseverance and your determination to push past the bulls

t that people tried to instill in you. It’s awesome that you’ve come to a place where you can actually enjoy your sexuality like you should and be comfortable with yourself. You should be proud of yourself and your progress… and most importantly, you should not be embarrassed by your past.

Those last niggling doubts and feelings of shame are the last little tendrils of the utter crap you were taught, holding on for dear life around your brain, and it can be hard to extract them. In fact, your brain will actually fight against it at times, even though you know intellectually that it’s wrong. It is very difficult to break old patterns and habits, even when you understand that they’re bad for you. You may notice that these feelings crop up hardest when you feel like you’re about to make a breakthrough – just when you’re starting to truly feel like you’ve come into your own, suddenly there’s that little asshole voice in the back of your head that whispers “Don’t forget, you’re slut and nobody can possibly love you. If he knew what you were REALLY like he’d be disgusted.”

This is what’s known as an “extinction burst”. Because you’re getting close to overcoming this old programming, there’s a part of your brain – the part that absorbed all of these lessons – that says “wait, if I don’t do something, this is going to go away” and suddenly it floods you with feelings of shame and remorse. It’s the emotional equivalent of someone on a diet who suddenly goes on a binge of crappy food. The difference is that while breaking the diet is based on a physical reward system – your body’s used to the high it gets from carbs and sugar and fat – the other is psychological. You’ve been brought up to believe that questioning your beliefs were wrong and that any deviation from these strict teachings means you’re a horrible person who deserves to be punished. Now that you’re starting to step away from those beliefs – you have your faith, but you no longer believe in their dictates regarding sex – that little part that’s supposed to keep you from breaking away is firing up and trying to bring you back into the fold.

It’s also complete bulls

t.

The fact that you have a sexual past is inherently neutral. You’re not a bad person because you’ve had sex; the only bad parts were the ways that you were hurt in the process. The fact that you know what you like sexually and want to to tell him? This is unquestionably a good thing. In fact, this is an unbelievably desirable asset in a sex partner, especially when the other is relatively inexperienced. Let’s look at it from another angle: your boyfriend has somebody confident, caring and patient, who wants to teach him how to please a woman instead of letting him fumble his way, learning all the wrong lessons and getting frustrated in the process. Who wouldn’t want that in a partner, especially their first? 

This is what your jerk-brain is trying to deny you. It’s trying to take a strength – your hard-won experience – and turn it into a weakness. And you shouldn’t let it.

By all accounts, it seems like your boyfriend’s a cool person who’s not judging you by your number. You care for him and trust him… so take “yes” for an answer when he’s giving you every indication that he’s not intimidated by your past. And if he – or any guy you may date in the future – has a problem with the fact that you’ve had sex before… well, that’s their problem to overcome, not yours. A guy who can’t handle the fact that his girlfriend or wife has a sexual past can hand back his man-card; he’s not a man, he’s a boy and he’s got some growing up to do.

I’m the biggest believer in affirmations, but whenever you have that voice from you jerk-brain piping up,  remind yourself that you’re strong, that you’re desirable and that you deserve the sex you want and anyone who says otherwise is cordially invited to go f

k themselves. Your past – as painful as it was – has lead you to who you are today, and from the sounds of it, that’s a pretty amazing place. And that past includes the people you’ve slept with. It’s molded you. It’s shaped you, it’s tempered you and tested you and you’ve come out stronger and better for it.

Nobody can take that from you if you don’t let them.

Enjoy the sex you’re having with your boyfriend. Revel in it. Teach him how to f

k you in all the ways you want to be f

ked. Take pride in where you are and what it’s taken to get you there and reap the rewards of being a sexually confident woman. There’s nothing to be ashamed of; there are only small-minded chucklef

ks who’ve tried to convince you otherwise. And you’re stronger than they are.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader, first time (cis, female) writer. Recently my best friend in the whole world came out as a trans woman. I’ve known her for over 10 years and we spend most of our free time together. We’re your typical geek cloister: we live movies and comics and taking them way too seriously and having college-thesis level discussions on how media intersects with society, etc. I’m sure you know the type! I was so excited that she was finally leaning about herself and learning more about her true identity. I’m trying to be 110% supportive of her transition, but here’s the problem:

Now that’s she’s becoming a woman, I feel like I’m losing my BFF. Because the woman she’s becoming is this preening, pretty, make-up obsessed “girly girl” that I just can’t stand. Now, I don’t mean to s

t on any other fellow females who are into that scene – but its NOT ME. I’m NOT a girly-girl… in fact I’m pretty staunchly one of those women who is very outspoken by how “traditional femininity” is toxic and harmful. I hate how women are expected to adhere to certain beauty standards and are expected to wear make-up and do their hair to be taken seriously in almost any social situation – including job opportunities. I’m not against make up and pretty clothes on principal – but I do have issues when you’re not taken seriously as a woman if you’re not “made up” or skinny enough or adhering to a certain beauty standard.

But it seems with my friend – let’s call her K – is transitioning that’s what she’s obsessing over. She’s made changes to her appearance for her “every day” look that makes her feel more comfortable (she wears earrings, got a new hairstyle, paints her nails, etc) but whenever we want to go ANYWHERE where other people may be, she wants to be “dressed up” – and I mean to the nines. She spends about 2-3 hours doing her hair, make up, jewelry, fully co-ordinated outfit…even if we’re just wanting to grab a quick bite to eat or go catch a movie. She says she doesn’t feel “right” unless the outside world is treating her/recognizing her a woman so she’s become increasingly obsessed with clothes, shopping, make up, voice-training – basically all the trappings of “femininity” that makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. And while I can understand how she wants to “feel like a real woman” and be treated a certain way in public – my issue is that it feels like she’s succumbing to every little thing about what women are “expected” to look like, sound like, and behave like that I find so disturbing.

If she doesn’t feel like a “real” woman unless she meets these mental standards of what femininity is in her mind – in my opinion she’s feeding straight into the toxic subculture I hate so much. And again, I don’t have a problem with girly-girls if that’s what they truly enjoy (women can look however they want to – as long as it’s what THEY want, and not because they are bending to some societal pressure imho), but what’s terrifying me is that I feel like I’m losing my best friend. I want to go back to being best friends who talk all day about Marvel and politics and space…. not bras, dresses, and make-up.

I know there’s a lot of stages to transitioning, and I’ve tried to talk to K a bit about this and she basically just says I’m being intolerant and that it’s not her fault that society treats women like they do (which is true, but I think by succumbing to their demands you’re feeding into it) and that she won’t ever feel like a real woman as long as other people see her a woman. I’ve tried to explain to K that she’s a woman regardless if she’s just in a t-shirt and jeans or all decked out for a night on the town.

Help? Am I being unreasonable by being so dodgy and uncomfortable about her new obsession over being a “pretty girl” or is she just becoming a new person that I may have to let go? The thought of losing my best friend is devastating, but I kind of feel like I already have.

Not A Girly Girl

DEAR NOT A GIRLY GIRL: OK, I’m going to qualify this with a disclaimer: I’m a cis straight man, so this is all coming strictly from my limited perspective. I will probably miss some angles here that will be glaringly obvious to someone who’s trans, genderfluid or non-binary. So, everyone please take what I have to say with all appropriate amounts of salt and my sincere apologies if I step wrong.

That being said: welcome to a complicated intersection of gender performance, trans acceptance, passing, feminism, beauty standards and a whole host of other issues. This is one giant-ass knot that’s very nature is going to defy any easy unpicking. But let’s start with the most obvious. Your friend is transitioning and – quite understandably – is wanting to be accepted as her gender identity by the world around her. As I’m sure you already know, there’s a lot of pressure for trans men and women to pass or measure up to an “acceptable” level of masculinity or femininity. There are plenty of people who will take any example of a trans woman not being perfectly femme as proof that she’s not “really” a woman. This is a world where people still feel empowered to talk about “chicks with d

ks” or making jokes about dudes throwing on dresses and calling themselves women in order to win the Olympics or sneak into bathrooms. That alone is going to put a lot of pressure on her to “be a woman” in a specific manner; it’s easier to “pass” and be accepted as a woman if you present a more traditionally feminine exterior.

On top of that, there’s the fact that while you grew up with the cultural ideas of “what is a woman”, K… didn’t. Not the same way you did or the way that I grew up with the cultural ideas of “what is a man”. For us, our gender expression is second nature, even if our personal values may or may not conflict with the culture around us. Your friend K is having to learn and adapt to these. Yeah, she’s always been a woman, but she grew up being taught how to be a man. She’s correcting the mistake now but it’s still going to be closer to learning a second language instead of using the one you grew up with. You’re fluent in “being a woman”; she’s still learning. There’s going to be a lot of adjustment there and it may be easier to veer to the very traditionally feminine until she feels more fluent.

(Incidentally, if you want to see a great example of this from the other direction, writer, editor and podcaster-par-excellence Jay Edidin has written a fascinating series for MEL about having to learning how to perform masculinity as he transitions. Check it out.)

She could also be experimenting with just who she is and starting off at one extreme for a while and may decide she doesn’t want to be as girly later on down the line as she gets more settled into her life. She may decide that she isn’t as concerned being femme and could adopt a more androgynous or butch style.

Or she may just be really femme and likes feeling pretty. Gender performance does fall on a spectrum after all. Some people just like coordinating their outfits and making sure their hair and make-up is perfect when they leave the house. For the first time in her life, she’s now in a position to get done up the way she’s always wanted to, so she’s indulging. It may be a permanent thing – the tiger’s finally off the leash – or it could be that it’s new and shiny and for right now it’s where her interest lies. It may well be like someone who’s suddenly gotten into a new TV show or a new diet or some other new part of their life that takes up 90% of their attention for a while.

Is it excessive? Maybe? Is it permanent? Dunno. It’s impossible to say.

For right now, I’d say give her some space and find herself. She may level out, she may veer in the other direction. It may help both of you if you introduce her to some people who are more into her style of femininity. This way, you’re not feeling like you’re getting dragooned into being her guide to a form of femininity you’re not crazy about and she’s got someone she can geek out about makeup and dresses with. That may take the pressure off and she’ll be ready to talk more about comics and politics with you again.

The thing to keep in mind is that this is probably the first time in her life she’s felt entirely her. This is an exciting and scary and possibly overwhelming time for her so she could really use her friends right now… even if you were wishing she wasn’t quite so girly.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com