DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a problem. My marriage was failing, and I fell in love with our Jiu Jitsu instructor (we’ll call him Ethan). The biggest problem was that I was still married and he was somewhat friendly with my husband (we will call him Rick). But Ethan and I clicked right away. I had an instant attraction to him, but I did my best to squash it.

As time went on, Ethan ended up being there for me during a rough time, emotionally when my husband wasn’t. Eventually, I told Ethan my feelings for him and he reciprocated. We ended up having a sexting relationship that was hot and heavy, but also filled with true emotion. However, he started getting pressure from another friend, who ended up causing a big scene and telling my husband what was going on before I could even process what was going on myself. My husband freaked out, and we’ve spent the last two and a half years trying to make it work. However, he’s ended up having his own infidelities numerous times while I did not.

We’ve decided to separate and then divorce. I recently reached out to Ethan to apologize for how everything went down, and he responded saying he had just been thinking about me that morning. It was a very sweet conversation. He told me that he thinks about me all the time and that we should get a drink soon. He was at work and I was about to take my son for a walk, so I suggested we carry on the conversation later. He agreed. Then I didn’t hear from him again until the next afternoon when I asked him a question about his gym. He apologized, and said he left his phone at work (hmmm).

We talked a bit more about everything that happened. He told me how he felt badly and that it was just recently that he got out of his funk from the situation between us. I respond with a few things and, after an hour or so, noticed that he saw the message and didn’t reply. I asked if I had said something wrong and then he disappeared again for 24 hours. He responded the next evening with “No you’re good, just super busy the past couple of days”. I ask him what he’s been up to not long after he sent that message, and now I haven’t heard from him again. He hasn’t even viewed the message. I haven’t contacted him since.

I spoke with a mutual friend of ours and he told me to be patient, that Ethan leaves him on “read” for days all the time. I asked him if he knew if Ethan was dating and he said he had heard nothing.

Here’s the thing, after doing some social media snooping, I see he’s been hiking with a girl these past days. Now, they don’t mention each other in their posts, she seems to go hiking a lot with other people. And it seems like he’s doing it for exercise based off of what he has said in the posts. It seems like they have been friends for while and work together. He liked a photo of our mutual friend and I today, but hasn’t responded. Is he trying to play it ultra cool, or if he doesn’t have the guts to say he’s dating someone else. I’m not glass, I wish he would just say as much. How long is an appropriate time to wait until I attempt to message him again? Should refriend him on social media? Should I just file this under it wasn’t meant to be?

What should I do? Thank you!!

Left On Read

DEAR LEFT ON READ: There’re few things that’re more frustrating than a relationship that seems to go cold for no reason. It would be one thing if you could point to some inciting action, some event or occurrence that would explain why someone — someone you had just had a fairly hot fling with — has started treating you like an afterthought. When there’s no real explanation, then you’re left to come up with the answer all on your own… which is a great way to take all of your brain weasels, feed them a coffee/meth slurry and just let them go to town on every anxiety and insecurity you have. Suddenly you’re left questioning everything and wondering what glaring flaw you have that you were unaware of that would make someone seemingly be night and day different in how they feel about you.

The truth is often a lot more prosaic… and not always helpful when it comes to getting any sort of closure. The pattern you describe with your jiu jitsu instructor is, unfortunately, fairly common and one I’ve seen more than a few times. Here you are, an attractive woman in a troubled marriage, having lots of feelings for someone who’s been there for you, who’s supported you during a rough time and generally been everything your husband isn’t. It’s understandable that you’re going to have fairly intense feelings.

The problem is that those feelings weren’t returned… not in the way that you thought they would be, and likely not to the level that he thought. That attraction you had for him was certainly flattering — who doesn’t like being the focus of an attractive woman’s fantasies? — and the relative intimacy of your friendship with him almost certainly didn’t hurt, especially as he was your source of support during those troubled times. It’s certainly not surprising that he was interested in having some naughty, flirty fun with you. He may even have been caught up in the excitement of the moment. But I strongly suspect that for him, the taboo nature of what you were doing, the secrecy and the necessary limitations were the draw; he may have rounded those feelings up to something more than just sexual attraction, but it seems like getting busted threw a bucket of cold water on the whole situation.

Now here you are, free and single and ready to mingle and able to do more than just sext with him… and he doesn’t seem to be interested. He’s saying all the right things, that he thinks about you, he wants to see you, but his actions are a different story. And the policy here at NerdLove Industries is very simple: deeds, not words. And his deeds are saying “not feeling it.”

And that, at the end of the day, is the problem. The rest of it — the woman he’s hiking with, his indeterminate relationship status — are all red herrings. They don’t factor into the equation. It’s his behavior that’s telling you how he feels and what to expect.

Case in point: I’m willing to bet that during the height of your hot and heavy text affair, he was Johnny-on-the-spot as soon as the notification pinged. Now, you’re getting replies on such a long time delay, it seems like you’re trying to text someone on Mars. That in and of itself isn’t the issue. I mean, the fact that he’s leaving you on read isn’t unique to you; he’s not avoiding you while still talking to his other friends. The issue is that he’s treating you like he treats everyone else.

Now if you were to ask me to speculate, I would guess the fact that you’re not forbidden fruit anymore makes things less exciting. I also imagine that getting caught and the time away didn’t help either. But honestly? The reasons don’t really matter as much as his feelings and the way he’s acting. And those, as I said, are telling you that he’s just not interested now.

I don’t think asking him for an explanation is going to be fruitful. There likely isn’t an answer he could give you that would satisfy you and, frankly, he may not be able to explain why himself. It’s difficult to tell someone why your feelings have changed or why you don’t feel a certain way beyond “They just did and I just don’t.” That’s only likely to frustrate you more and send those brain weasels back into overdrive.

I think in this case, the best option for you is to file this under “nice while it lasted, but not meant to be”. You have the memories of a fling that kept you going during a rough time in your life, and that’s where it’ll have to stay. Look at this as a relationship that lasted exactly as long as it could, and then it came to its natural end. It may not be the same sort of closure as “well, I’ve found someone else”… but closure that you give yourself is the most important.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was introduced to you unintentionally by my boyfriend (let’s call him “P”) that loves watching videos on dating, flirting and how to pick up women, (despite being in a relationship with me for almost 3 years), but P also watches many others videos on how to keep himself looking good too (yay!), P is 56yr old. I enjoyed reading your articles so much that I now come and visit you almost every day to see what’s new and yes! He will read this.

Why am I here? Simple! I cannot accept my partner being friends with his ex, whom he claims was just a FWB for over 3 years and things ended nicely about a year or so before we met. I get the scenario of being friends, because I have witnessed it on someone else, when my sister’s ex-husband’s partner became a good friend of my sister (I’m sure because of my niece). But you know that saying “keep your friends close and you enemies closer”? Just saying.

Ok, let’s back up on things here for a minute…. I come from a wide range of abusive and toxic relationships, ranging from physical abuse like being kicked to the point of giving birth and having an emergency C-section, to being raped while my kids slept on the other room. Not to mention being mentally abuse, controlled and cheated on time and time again.

TRUST is hard to give base on my experiences. Yet, I gave it to this man. I had reached a point in my life when we met where I had said to myself being alone is quite ok for me at this age and then I fell in love with him. Go figure!!

For two years everything was great and amazing, then one day we finally crossed paths with his ex, which I had expected due to places we frequent when going out on dates. Mind you, we were actually on a double “date night” with his friend J and J’s new lady, S. We were at a small music venue where there are various seating arrangements. We were on table for four and the stage was to our left. There was an empty high table for two to our right. I was on the left side of our table and P was to the right.

In comes the ex — call her M. I noticed her right away, my heart started racing, but I kept calm. She walked around and came back to the empty table to our right. She wasn’t alone, maybe with a date. That’s when P saw her and said “Oh! Hey there M”

He quickly introduced us; “This is my girlfriend so and so, this is S  and you already know J.” Ok, cool, right! NOT! He then decided to turn himself around (his back to me) and started a catch up conversation with her. 

Hello! We are here with 2 other people; you’re here with me…  Even his friend J noticed how rude P was being that he made a troubling remark — “Oh he’s digging himself into a hole” — that just made my blood started to boil.

I honestly do not recall what I said to P (shocking!), but I turned myself around to him and I whispered something in his ear about what he was doing. He then stopped and turns my way, music was great and he tried to touch me and caress me after that. Then at the end of the show he turned once again to her (his back to me again) and whispered something to her, because she smiled and nodded her head to him. Grrr! And guess what? We didn’t speak for days after that.

We then had the conversation and I expressed my feelings, the whys and how disrespected I felt. He, on the other hand, didn’t think he had done anything wrong. Still, he understood where I was coming from. We patched things on and all good. We encountered her again 2 weeks later, but it was minor and due to the amount of people around us neither of them got closed enough to talk. No big deal.

A few months, something else happened with a lady coworker where I got signals of attraction between him and the coworker, so I broke into a rage. My bad! I admit I know I can have a bad temper (Puerto Rican Bi*#^$! once someone said) when put on a defensive situation.

When we talked to solve this other issue the M topic came up again. He told me he believes he shouldn’t have to stop talking to his ex, because things ended nicely —  to the point where they meet every year in January for a dinner to celebrate birthdays… hers, her daughter’s (adult) and his. I clearly expressed my boundaries once more, and how I found that disrespectful when you’re in a relationship especially after what had happened. Just so you know he invited me to that dinner next year, because my birthday is in January. Honestly, at that point, I opted for letting it go, why fight about something in the future.

OK! Fast Forward to today!!!

He got a phone called later in the day last night, not typical for him due to his work scheduled. He answered and the tone of voice went down and softer, not his normal louder voice. I was in another room the door was ajar, I could hear the voice but not closed enough to hear what he was saying and I told myself “just let it be”. BUT My gut felt tight (not good). Later at night, I broke my own promise and I (for the 1st time) checked his phone (UGH! I know). I saw that this number had called more than once, either dialed or received. I called it the next day.I was praying to hear a male voice,  and M answered me. I didn’t speak, I just hung up. I felt so little, so betrayed!

I asked him later that day who had called him the night before, he right away said M. I expressed my irritation and how we had talked about her. He keeps insisting that is nothing that I shouldn’t worry about her, that he would’ve not asked me to move in with him if he wanted to do something with her or any other women. He insists on how he’s not interested on her, or M in him, and that this is all innocent. M only had called him days before to ask him on how to get to a restaurant they had been before. Moreover, that he had called her a day before that night, because it was her birthday. And lastly, that M’s called to him that night was by mistake, yet they spoke for a good 10 minutes hhmm!

I was raised with strong values like respect and honesty among many others, and I feel this is breaking my boundaries and what my values on a relationship are. Yes! My personal hurts have a lot to do with it, but my parents taught me better.

I believe they are both, P and her breaking my boundaries. She clearly knows he is in a relationship and by now (I am sure) knows that I moved in with him a few months back. He is clearly choosing (fairly knowing my take on this) to continue the relationship with her despite my feelings. Listen, I’m not saying to be rude, if we encounter her. I’m not saying wishing a happy birthday is bad, but when I see the many continues contacts between them two – MY “I’m gonna get hurt” WALL comes up with a vengeance. Is a defense mechanism, right?!

I am a 48 year old at a lost and tired of fight childish crap, but do I want to accept her presence like nothing or do I take a risk on this relationship and stand up for myself and for what I believe is right for me. I give my 100% respect, honesty and more; and I sure want the same.

Hell No! I’m not perfect, then again nobody is. Please, please, please give me your insight!

Thank you for your time Sir.

Respectfully,

Wanting My Respect

DEAR WANTING MY RESPECT: Well, you asked for my perspective on this… but I don’t think you’re gonna like it.

I’m going to preface this with saying that what you’ve experienced over time — the beatings, the sexual assault and the abusive relationships — are horrific. I’m sorry that you’ve gone through all of that and it’s understandable that the trauma you experienced would have a serious and profound effect on you. I don’t want to take away from any of that.

But none of that justifies your behavior with P. Quite frankly, you’re being jealous of P’s friendship with M to a degree that is NOT warranted; not by your history, not by P’s relationship with his ex and certainly not by his behavior. In fact, P has, by your account, been completely on the up and up with you. When you all encountered M, he introduced you immediately as his girlfriend and made it clear that you two were a thing. He’s kept no secrets from you or acted in any way that would cause a reasonable person to be suspicious. Hell, when you asked him who had called him the other night, he told you it was M right off the bat; he didn’t hesitate, he didn’t try to hide it or try to make it seem like it was someone else. He treated it like had nothing to hide. Because, frankly he didn’t. At most, he kept it low key because he likely felt, rightly as it turned out, that you’d go off on him.

The fact that P has a good relationship with his ex is a good thing. It tells you a lot about him as a person: how he handles a more casual relationship, how he conducts himself at the end of a relationship and the respect that he shows for people who were a part of his life. M may have just been a friend with benefits but the key word in that relationship is friend. The fact that they’re no longer sleeping together doesn’t mean that she’s dead to him or that he doesn’t care for her as a person. The sexual side of their relationship may have come to an end, but the friendship and the affection they have for one another didn’t. Those are all solid indicators of his character; not that he still has a thing for his ex but that he’s a stand up guy who treats his partners well, cares for his friends and is probably someone whose friends know he’s got their backs.

Those are all things I would tell women to look for in a guy they want to date. A guy who cuts ties with everyone he’s ever dated and has nothing good to say about any of them is likely someone who either has supremely poor judgement or is likely the nightmare ex in the equation.

Now it was a little rude of him to have an involved conversation with M while he was on a double date with you and your friends… but honestly, that’s pretty minor in the scheme of things.

You, on the other hand, have been treating him incredibly poorly. You’ve started fights with him about his being friends with M, over what you perceived as flirting between him and a coworker and snooped through his stuff to confirm something that he would’ve freely told you if you’d asked. And quite frankly, none of that is acceptable. All you’re doing is letting your jealousy and fear of being hurt run rampant, for no reason. The fact that it’s a defense mechanism doesn’t excuse it; defense mechanisms aren’t automatically healthy. Especially when those mechanisms are causing you to fly off the handle over perfectly normal and acceptable behavior. Trusting your instincts is a good idea… but only provided that your instincts are trustworthy. And while, again, I understand the trauma that you went through was horrific… your instincts seem to be based far more out of your fears and anxieties than actual, demonstrable behavior.

To be perfectly blunt: his friendship with M isn’t a threat to his relationship with you. The only threat I’m seeing to your relationship is, frankly, you. If you keep picking fights and letting your jealousy get the better of you, all you’re going to do is ensure that he will leave you for someone who won’t demand that he end friendships and accuse him of betrayal for no reason.

Yes, you have a right to your boundaries… but so does he. If you want to make his not being friends with someone a line in the sand for your relationship, it is your right to do so. But if you do, then you need to be prepared for him to tell you that this is unreasonable and he’s not willing to let you dictate who he can or can’t be friends with, especially when that person isn’t an actual threat to the relationship. That’s a line that he has a right to draw.

I honestly think that, more than anything else, you need to talk to a counselor or a therapist. You’re afraid of being hurt again, which is understandable, but it’s causing you to lash out in ways that simply aren’t acceptable. A therapist can help you process your trauma and work through those anxieties and help you adjust your Spidey-sense so that you’re not on high-alert all the time. Getting professional, trained help — rather than a loudmouth with an advice column — will do you far more good than trying to police who your boyfriend does or doesn’t talk to. And it’ll do far more for keeping your relationship intact as well.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I don’t really have a question, I just wanted to thank you for the work that you do. I think your advice is very helpful, especially regarding abusive relationships.

I was in an abusive relationship this last year, and I’m still trying to deal with my emotional issues that resulted from it. I have a hard time not blaming myself for being involved with this guy. He has a lot of emotional issues, and I excused away a lot of his behavior. Logically, I realize it isn’t my fault, but the urge to blame myself for falling for his manipulative BS is still really strong. I have a hard time trusting people (especially men) because of the relationship, and I’m hoping I’ll be able to move beyond that someday; it will just take time. Reading your replies to people dealing with abusive and toxic relationships has been really helpful for me, so I just wanted to say thank you.

I’m sorry I’m not able to contribute to your Patreon right now. I’m a student, so times are tough. I hope you know how much people appreciate your work. Thank you.

-I Will Survive

DEAR I WILL SURVIVE: Hey, IWS? I am so proud of you for having gotten out of that relationship. It takes a lot of courage, strength and willpower to pull yourself out of a trap like that, and you should be celebrating the fact that you managed it. More than anything else, you should forgive yourself for trusting someone who abused that trust and for caring for someone who didn’t deserve your time and affection. It was not your fault.

You’re 100% right: you will move beyond this. You will heal. Hopefully in time, you’ll be able to trust again and find people who’re worthy of that trust. It may take time, but you have time. Focus on yourself; love will be waiting for you when you’re ready.

Don’t even worry about anything like my Patreon; I’m just glad to hear that you’re doing well and that I was able to help in some small way. Invest in yourself and your healing; that’s where your focus should be.

You’ve got this, IWS.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Well this seems like my yearly f

k dating thing I do all the time. It seems that I’m not up to cut to date anyone ever. I’ve been working out for few years lost 70lbs and still feel like crap most of the time. Dating at this moment is a constant reminder of past, present and future failures in trying to even find a women that is even 2% interested in me or anything that I have to say. To me it seems that women are immediately repulsed by me; none have ever said that but it’s the feeling I get.

I workout 4-6 days a week, have a good paying job, friends that I don’t hate, two motorcycles, go to EDM concerts and travel quite a bit, hobbies include trying to learn to draw and DJ.

So at this point it either has to be location or me. I’ve tried OKCupid, I never get any responses I always ask something about a picture they have or a joke or something. Tinder I lasted about 36 hours before I deleted that. Tinder added to the fact that my face must be severely f

ked. I’ve reading Models, No More Mr. Nice Guy, Mate, Definitive Book on Body Language. Takeaway from those is once again keep working on yourself and it will happen. Keep and eye open but don’t look too hard.

Right….

My two roommates must be vagina whispers, they have so many girls every week coming in and out of the house it’s insane. They don’t leave the f

king house they barely clean, I’m pretty sure if these guys lived on their own, their house would be a disaster. I started going to therapy a year ago to hopefully figure out what to do but at this point. Turns out I have ADHD and depression. My mood is better but that’s about it.

I was listening to an art of manliness podcast, they had Duana Welch on she was talking about how to be more attractive to women. I gathered from that talk was that men  who don’t want to provide or protect are not much use as a man. But men don’t like women that are unattractive.

I believe people should hold there own and only need minimal help from the other person, so I’m screwed. So since I don’t care to provide and protect for women, some other guy will and I’m useless as a man. If this is 50/50, are we not equals? They were talking about making a list of dating requirements, like loyalty and femininity and whatnot.

Just flashing back to the women in my life growing up were all breadwinners, they ran their own businesses all worked in some caliber. From what I’m reading those women are going against the norm and are also screwed to be alone forever as well.

I’m 31 now, and I wasn’t always this lonely or down about being by myself. But around 25 or 26, even though I was doing all the things I was supposed to in order to enjoy life, I just wasn’t meeting women. And as that started building on itself, it just became the biggest failure in my life, and what I started worrying about constantly.

I’ve talked with my therapist about trying to get in a good feedback loop by just doing just little things but those don’t help still feel useless and worthless. Then that spills over into any type of relationship I would have had with anyone.

At this point I’m more frustrated and angry more than anything. Feels as though I should give up. At 30 not that I’ve lived that long or anything, everyone says once you hit 30 you won’t care and then it will happen. 

Any advice ?

Sincerely,

Frustrated Nerdy Black Guy

DEAR FRUSTRATED NERDY BLACK GUY: My first piece of advice is very simple, even if it’s contradictory to, y’know, the fact that I’m dead-bang in the middle of the self-help industry: PUT THE BOOKS DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM THEM. Seriously man, no more books, no more podcasts, no more guides to personal development, no more looking for the magic bullet that’s going to transform s

t for you because all it’s doing is making you goddamn miserable.

There are a whole lot of problems in going into a self-help overload, but part of it is that they’re selling a one-size-fits-all sort of solution, something that may work for a slice of people, but sure as s

t isn’t going to work for everyone… assuming it works at all in the first place.

(As an aside: check out The1Janitor’s Youtube video “Is Self-Help A Scam” for a fascinating discussion on the industry as a whole.)

Right now, all you’re doing is letting all of this information — much of it either contradictory or just plain unhelpful — f

k with your head. All you’re doing is feeding your anxieties and insecurities because your confirmation bias is just telling you over and over again that you must be doing something wrong and it’s all your fault. After all, if these are the purported solutions to your problems and they’re not working… well, you must be especially f

ked somehow, right?

Wrong.

Your biggest problem isn’t that you’ve been f

ked by the fickle finger of fate, it’s that all you’re doing is looking for solutions that don’t meaningfully address the problems you actually have and you’re creating this f

ked up false dichotomy for yourself based on other people’s beliefs that have absolutely no bearing on your life or lived experiences. In fact, you’re taking other people’s declaration as valid over the experiences you’ve already lived through.

One of the things you should always do when you’re looking for advice — whether it’s from me, Mark Manson, Captain Awkward, Dear Prudence, Dan Savage or literally anyone else — is consider their perspective and general philosophy on things. That’s always going to color not just their advice but their outlook on the world. I’m never going to send people to talk to Corporal MGTOW or something because their whole philosophy is functionally “it’s so HARD to be a hetero white man these days” and a whole lot of s

t about how women are trying to steal your vital essences. In the case of Art of Manliness… well look, their whole thing is that they’re very much a “let’s get back to this old-fashioned, John Wayne style of masculinity” and a belief in very gender existentialist, heteronormative and very white forms of manhood. By their very nature, they’re going to be looking at a much more “traditional” idea of what men and women should want and should be. The problem is that this often runs headlong into the fact that this isn’t the 1950s anymore and most of the golden age they’re reminiscing about is more nostalgia-porn and myth-making than reality.

Take, for example, the idea that women want a provider. The reason why this dynamic exists and has existed for as long as it has is because for several hundred years, women weren’t legally allowed to provide for themselves. S

t, women weren’t allowed to have bank accounts until the 60s and 70s. So for a very long period of time, women who didn’t have generational wealth needed a provider because it was literally the difference between starvation and survival.

And even then, women have always wanted their own financial independence. The women in your experience aren’t exceptions, they’re much more of the norm than people accept or even realize. Women, and women of color in particular, have been working and trying for self-sufficiency, often because they had to.

Practically speaking… well yes, you’ll occasionally find a woman who wants to be taken care of, the vast majority of people — not women, people — are looking for someone who’s not going to be a drain on them. They’re not looking for someone who’s going to bring all the money and pay all the bills, they’re looking for someone who’s going to carry their own share of the weight. Trust me: if women were just genetically programmed to be like Madonna’s “Material Girl”, the cliche of the unemployed boyfriend who keeps draining his girlfriend’s bank accounts would never exist.

Double points if he’s a “musician”.

Then there’s the fact that you’ve created your own imaginary nemesis..es… to compare yourself to. The guy with the seven figure bank account who’s gonna swoop in and take care of the women you don’t want to provide and protect? He doesn’t exist. You’re not competing with him. He’s a figment of your imagination, built out of your anxieties and your fears that you’re somehow deficient or broken. And comparing yourself to folks you know is a mistake too. Let’s take your roommates, the “vagina whisperers” (and also… ew. Could we not refer to either your roommates OR the women they date that way? Thanks.)

Let’s say that it is exactly as you say: that they’re parading women in and out like they’ve figured out how to build a literal chick magnet. Here’s the most important question: is that what you actually want? Not “well, they’re getting any dates/sex/long, lingering deep-tissue massages”. Is that actually the sort of relationship you want and the type of women you want? Is that even the lifestyle you want? Or are you letting the fact that they’re having any success, for suitably variable definitions of success, blind you to everything else?

Social, sexual or romantic success isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer, either. It doesn’t do you any good to have a long string one one-night-stands with women you never see again when what you actually want is a committed, monogamous, long-term relationship. Getting envious of others when what they have isn’t even what you actually want or need is a great way to drive yourself crazy chasing after something that will never make you happy if you ever managed to catch it.

And then there’s the issue with Tinder and OKCupid. The problem there is as likely the fact that, frankly, online dating as we currently know it sucks and the way that apps try to curate the experience only makes it worse. The likelihood that your issue is as much about demographics and the way men and women use online dating apps is far higher than “well my face is just plain busted”. And even then, the solution would be “better quality photos”, not “may as well lie down and rot”.

Right now your main issue is that you’ve gotten yourself so twisted around the axle of your lack of dating success that everything is just going to end up making things worse. What you need right now — more than anything else — is to take a step away from all of it. Put away all the books and podcasts, let your apps go dormant and focus on getting your head right first. I mean, you only just found out that you’re dealing with undiagnosed depression and ADHD. That alone is going to go a LONG way towards explaining why you’re so angry and frustrated right now. It’s not because you’re a loser, it’s because you’ve been fighting through your brain chemistry and that is gonna both exhaust you and suck the joy out of… well, everything. Right now, even if you were to meet the woman of your dreams, you wouldn’t be in a place to make that relationship work because you’ve got a lot of (very understandable) negativity that’s spilling into the rest of your life. Getting that part of your life sorted out is going to remove one of the biggest and most important roadblocks between you and your future happiness.

But the other reason you need to take a step back is that your frustration is getting in your way. Think of it like getting stuck in Dark Souls or Sekiro — you keep dying over and over again trying to beat this ONE boss and it’s driving you up the GODDAMN wall because at least a third of the time, you can’t even get to the second stage of the fight. Hell, sometimes you can’t even get to the boss and you know you can do that, you’ve done that before so why in pluperfect f

kery are you getting ganked there?

You’re getting upset, which is making you impatient, which is making you rush, which is making you sloppy. Then you make a trivial mistake you wouldn’t make otherwise and you get got and now you’re set back further and have to do this s

t all over again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Taking a break from that lets your frustration recede, lets your muscles unclench and you are able to just relax. Then, when you come back to it a day or two later, you smoke that boss like you weren’t even trying hard.

That is the whole point of “it’ll happen when you stop trying.” It’s not some woo-woo-I-read-The-Secret-too-many-times s

t, it’s “I took a break and calmed down and came back to it when I was in a better place”. It’s the difference between walking and trying to jog when all of your muscles are tensed at the same time. You need to take a break from all of the desperate “Maybe THIS will fix me! OK maybe THIS. Ok, maybe THIS!” and find your zen. You want to get to a place where you’ve got your depression and ADHD reasonably under control, where you feel like your life is pretty good and that you actually have control, instead of feeling like you’re clinging to the back of a rampaging bull and you can’t relax for even a moment.

Then, once you’re ready — which may take a while, and that’s OK — start putting some serious thought into exactly what you want. What kind of relationship you’re looking for, what kind of person would be right for you and what you’re willing to do to make it work. When you have that in mind, then it’s time to start putting the effort into meeting people and seeing if their weird matches your weird.

Don’t worry about missing out or needing to make up time. That doesn’t exist. Love doesn’t exist on a deadline. Love will be waiting for you when you’re ready. Focus on yourself for now, and when the time comes… you’ll be ready to grab life by the horns and make it go where YOU want.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com