DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Should I get rid of a treasured memento of a past romantic (and currently platonic) relationship before pursuing a new one?

I’ve only been in one serious relationship. It started as an online, long-distance relationship shortly after high school. After a couple years, she moved in with me. While we had our ups and downs, of course, I think it was mostly a pretty solid and healthy relationship overall. Of course, we were young; we were therefore experiencing a whirlwind of change both within ourselves, and outside of ourselves.

To summarize, we’ll fast-forward a decade or so: ultimately, she leaves me and moves back home. I was not fulfilling her needs, which hurt a lot because I felt like she was fulfilling mine well; I did not want her to leave. We tried some couples therapy, but I think it was “too little, too late.” While I did not want her to leave, I respected her decision and assisted her in getting back home safely. So while the breakup was certainly not mutual, I still feel like it was relatively amicable; we wanted to stay friends.

So we agreed to go silent for a few months. We started talking again at the new year (she left in September of 2014); however, it quickly became apparent that I was not ready for friendship yet, although she had moved on. So we agreed to go silent again. In late 2018, I entered therapy. After some time, my therapist suggested I contact her again; I did so in early 2019, and we have been doing well as friends since then.

While we were still together romantically, she gave me an item that she hand-crafted from scratch. I still have this item, and it reminds me of the good times that we shared. While I am not generally a sentimental person, this particular item has strong sentimental value for me.

However, I have recently considered that I might start dating – for the first time, at age thirty-five. That’s likely to come with a whole host of complications on its own, and I’m definitely nervous about it.

But this brings me back to my question: should I get rid of the item that my ex crafted for me? Or, perhaps more accurately: would it be a disservice to a new relationship for me to continue holding on to it? Is it an indication that I’m not fully “over” my ex?

Where the situation reversed, I think I would feel uneasy about it. But I’m also still quite insecure (working on that before I wade into the dating pool), so I’m not sure how a “healthy” person would feel about it.

What are your thoughts?

Old, Alone, and Still Confused

DEAR OLD, ALONE, AND STILL CONFUSED: Well this is a first. In all my years — as a pick-up artist, a dating coach and an advice columnist — I’ve never actually encountered someone from the old Jealous Girlfriend opener.

For those of you who either haven’t read Neil Strauss’ “The Game” or who had someone use this line before, the Jealous Girlfriend opener goes like this:

“Hey, I need an opinion. So you know how everyone has this box of, like, souvenirs and mementos from past relationships? Like, pictures, cards, things your ex gave you? Well my buddy just started dating this new girl and she’s kind of the jealous, possessive type. So check this out: she was over at his place the other day and she found the box. Now she’s kinda freaking out and she’s telling him that he — get this — needs to burn the box. That’s a little extreme, right? What do you think?”

And then you let the group argue about whether his girlfriend is out of line for demanding this or not before segueing into trying to figure out who in the group is and isn’t single.

So congratulations AOSC: I’ve never encountered this before.

But let’s actually talk about this situation. Part of the reason why that opener works to get a conversation started is because of the universality of the situation. Unless the relationship ended very badly — or you’re the sort of person who performs a damnatio memoriae whenever you break up with someone — then the odds are good that you’ve got various random bits and bobs from past relationships. Some of them may just be the clutter from having another person in your life, but others may be welcome reminders of how things were. These could be anything from old photos to mix CDs (if you’re old, like me), random gifts or even clothes and the like. It’s incredibly common, almost to the point of being expected.

The fact that it’s so common is also part of why the theoretical girlfriend’s demands prompt so much discussion. For many people, the fact that she’s jealous of someone she’s never even met is unacceptably controlling. For others, it’s a reminder of an ex who couldn’t let go of the past and give themselves fully into their current relationship.

But here’s the thing: what often makes the difference between an understandable problem with those mementos and an unreasonable demand is often the relationship the owner of those mementos has with them and the memories attached to them. If, for example, the theoretical girlfriend was finding her boyfriend starting at those old photos on the regular (or possibly catching him using them as masturbation fodder) or he was keeping a framed portrait of his ex in a place of honor on his bookshelf or over the fireplace… well, that might be cause for concern.

If, on the other hand, they’re just reminders of a happy time — like looking over old wedding photos or videos shot on vacation — then it’s not unreasonable for the boyfriend to think that the fact that his girlfriend is threatened is a sign that maybe they’re not a good fit.

I suspect that in your case, it’s the latter. You don’t mention what this particular reminder is — whether it’s something like a knit scarf, a photo album, some objet d’art — but it doesn’t sound like something that a stranger would immediately twig to as related to an ex. You also don’t sound like you have any sort of unhealthy relationship to it; it’s just a reminder of a happy and formative period in your life.

Honestly, I don’t think there’s any reason to get rid of it. You are the sum of your past; your experiences with your ex are part of what made you who you are today. It’s not as though Thanos snapped all of your exes out of existence the moment you two broke up. Trying to pretend that they never existed or that they didn’t shape you isn’t just a fool’s errand, but it’s unreasonable to demand it of someone.

It would be one thing if this were an object of great and terrible importance in your life… but it isn’t. It’s a sweet gift from your partner at the time and one that still has positive associations for you. I think someone who would be that bothered by it is somebody whose own insecurities are going to cause issues the longer they go unexamined and unaddressed.

(Which, incidentally, applies to you too, AOSC: just because the souvenir exists doesn’t mean that your future partner prefers their ex over you.)

As long as it isn’t part of a shrine to your ex, I don’t think a reasonable, grown-ass woman is going to have any issues with your still having it. It’s also not something you have to justify holding onto. If anyone asks, you can tell them honestly: it’s a present your ex made for you years ago and you’ve kept it because it has sentimental value for you.

If you’re really worried, you could always just keep it in storage somewhere, where it can be a sort of out-of-sight-out-of-mind situation. But honestly? I think you’re borrowing trouble from the future.

You’ll be fine, my dude.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Good morning Doc,

I wanted to know what you thought and would advise regarding how to recover from a break up during this COVID-19 pandemic (or other scenarios where you’re not able to go out and meet new people). A few day ago I had to cut things with a girl I was seeing since November. I didn’t want to, but there was a lack of effort to communicate and I was putting in all the effort. After having it met with the equivalent of banging one's head against the wall, I was left with no choice but to do what’s best for me. As productive as that sounds it’s still hard because as of now we’re in a curfew state with business and activity areas to meet new people are shutdown so now I’m stuck missing what I lost but don’t have a way to get past it. Yes I’m working on myself with studying more, picking up guitar again, and practicing new art skills but being solo doesn’t take my head off it.

I know there’s probably a video you have on the breakup and there’s a video on what you can do during the pandemic but I wondered if there was a new type of thought process for when it’s both out together.

Thanks for listening and having an awesome channel and podcast,

Life Under Quarantine

DEAR LIFE UNDER QUARANTINE: I do, in fact, have a video about getting over your break up over on my YouTube channel (YouTube.com/user/DrNerdLove), LUQ and I think it would be helpful for you to watch it. It'll explain a little about what's going on and why you're having a difficult time getting your mind off of your ex.

Part of the reason why people — guys, especially — have a hard time getting over break ups is because love isn't just emotional; it's also chemical. When we're with our partner, our brains are generating large amounts of dopamine and oxytocin — the "cuddle" chemical that encourages things like social bonding, sexual arousal and romantic connections. Those chemicals hit the pleasure centers of your brain just so and make you crave more. This is part of why, for example, we want to spend all of our time with a new partner; we are, literally, addicted to them because we're getting huge doses of feel-good brain drugs. 

When we break up with someone, we're suddenly cut off from that source, and our brains want it back... badly. This is why it can often be so hard to stop thinking about our exes or wanting them back, even if we know that the relationship was toxic or that there were very good reasons why the relationship had to end. 

This is why part of the key to getting over someone is to find a new source or sources of oxytocin. This is part of why we have the old saw of "get over someone by getting under someone else"; since oxytocin is most readily generated through sex and physical touch, sex with someone new is a quick and easy way to find new sources of oxytocin, as well as validation that yes other people desire you and that there are other people out there. 

Of course, sex isn't the only way of finding new sources of oxytocin, it's simply the most socially acceptable for guys. Part of the reason why women often have an easier time getting over an ex then men do is because men as a gender are incredibly touch-deprived. It's socially acceptable for women to seek reassurance — including physical contact, like hugging — from their friends in times of need. Men are cut off from that source of reassurance because we equate physical contact with sexual contact, just as we associate emotional intimacy with sexual intimacy. It's a classic case of toxic masculinity ruining the party once again.

But there are ways around this and getting the need for physical touch met, even without sexual contact. Massage, for example, is a great way to soothe the body, ease the cortisol that comes from emotional stress and gain a source of oxytocin by having one's touch needs met. So too are various forms of social dancing, particularly Latin and ballroom dancing. 

However, we're all also under quarantine thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic... which has made it difficult to access those forms of physical contact and the associated generation of oxytocin.

But "difficult" isn't the same as "impossible". 

The key is that you need to start getting creative and working with the tools that you have available to you. 

Start by connecting with your friends. While physical touch and sex are the most obvious sources for oxytocin, we also generate oxytocin through laughter and conversation. Reaching out to your friends, having virtual hang-outs and happy-hours not only helps you feel less alone, but also encourages sharing, socializing and laughter — all of which help generate oxytocin in the brain. Get your buddies together and use an extension like NetflixParty, TwoSeven or apps like Zoom to watch movies — especially dumb action flicks or your favorite comedies. 

And while you may not be able to touch another person right now, that doesn't mean you can't find other sources of touch and comfort. If you have the space, the finances and your lease allows it, now is a great time to foster a cat or dog. The shelters in your area need to find foster homes during the shut-down, especially if your state or city has a shelter-in-place order. Having a new furry friend in your life not only gives you company and cuddles, it also gives you purpose, direction and allows you to do some much-needed good for others. Not only will this help distract you from missing your ex, it'll give you something concrete that you can point to and say "by doing this, I'm doing something to make the world a little better." 

And you should also date. 

Yes, I know. We're all under lockdown. But you may have noticed that the dating apps aren't shut down. People are still talking, swiping and matching. Since you can't be with each other physically right now, talking, Skype and texting — all opportunities for laughter and good conversation — are going to be of much higher importance. And if things go well, sex is still on the table. Phone sex, sexting, cam sessions via Skype or FaceTime... these are all ways that you can connect with others sexually, even if you can't be there in the flesh. It's not quite the same as an old-fashioned in-person hook-up, but it will have much the same effect. That validation of your desirability as a partner, the sexual connection with others and the reminder that your ex wasn't the only woman in the world are all still available to you. You may have to be creative about it... but what's a quarantine good for if not learning how to try new and different things?

I'm not gonna lie; it's a rough time right now. But that doesn't mean that the world has come to a halt. We're still living, we're still loving and still moving forward. Take the time to heal and connect with others — platonically as well as romantically. 

You'll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I just started reading your column and I need advice on the following problem: I have an unrequited best friendship with someone (you could call her A). Like, I want to be best friends and she wants to be good friends or friends. And I don’t know how labels work. I just want to hang out with her all the time. And I just worry that I’m not good enough (like, everything I like about myself, such as being friendly and funny, such as enjoying sci-fi books, she has tenfold) and I worry that I will drive her away (maybe us hanging out so much puts strain on the friendship, maybe me finding excuses to hang out with her has started becoming transparent) and I worry about my ulterior motives that, maybe if I hang out with her enough, we will magically move from being good friends to best friends.

I really can’t help it that I’m so happy hanging out with her and she is for all intents and purposes my best friend. We see each other in groups and one-on-one almost every day each week. I look forward to hanging out with her all day on the rare days that we don’t see each other, then I’m waiting to hang out with her the next day. Like, I have a good number of friends. She just far outshines them all.

As background, we have the same lifestyle (a few years out of college, work part-time) and hobbies (hiking, books). We have the same taste in everything. We now hang out almost six days each week. The timeline of our friendship is as follow:

11 months ago: we started seeing each one-on-one as friends. We hung out one to four times each week to do our mutual hobbies.

2 months ago: we become, in my view, best friends. We really started discussing our personal lives and we realize just how many shared interests and commonalities we really have together.

1 month ago: she becomes incredibly busy with a personal project and is worried that I think we’re dating. She tells me that we need to stop seeing each other one-one-one. I tell her that I have no desire to date her and that I only want to be friends. I incorrectly figure we’re breaking up as friends (and I text her a few days later that ‘she’s one of my best friends and that I wish we could see each other again’).

1 week ago: she asks for my help with that personal project. I, of course, say yes (while it’s work for her, it’s fun for me and I also want to see more of her).

So, as we’re working on the project, about a week ago, she clarifies that she thinks we’re good friends. She explains that she’s had some bad, male “friends” who wanted to date her (which is additionally not good because she’s gay). She said she likes me as a friend. And I really like that. I just can’t think of her as a friend, because, while I have plenty of friends, she is my only best friend. Like, I see her four times more often than anyone else. And, unlike all my other friends, she and I have the same taste in basically everything. I know I shouldn’t compare other people. She’s just my favorite person to hang out with and, if I had a choice, I would hang out with her every day.

And I just wonder what your advice is as follow:

1) Do I just keep going along with this friendship like I don’t have all these feelings (besides that earlier text, I have never said anything about us being “best friends,” even though that’s basically how I feel)?

2) How do I stop worrying about our future as friends (like, I personally already have plans for us eating brunch twenty years from now; well, we do also have a few plans set for six months from now; I really see potential for us as friends and I just can’t help thinking constantly about ways to be a better friend to her)?

3) How do I avoid becoming too much for her (like, I have stopped texting her as much given she’s now a lot more busy; and I’m trying to keep myself collected. I’m just always available for plans with her in a way that I wouldn’t be for other friends and I think she’s starting to notice that)?

Sincerely,

Confused

DEAR CONFUSED: As with many questions like this, there’re the questions you’re asking… and then there the questions you SHOULD be asking, Confused. But let’s roll it from the top, shall we?

You have a platonic crush. Some folks call it a squish, some folks call it “falling in like”… it’s basically a non-romantic fascination. And honestly, I get it; I’ve got people in my life that I feel the same way. I don’t want to date them or sleep with them, I just think they’re awesome and like being friends with ’em.

The annoying thing about this sort of crush is that… well, it can come with a lot of the same anxieties and insecurities that come with a crush or romantic interest in someone. Just because the end-goal is different doesn’t mean that you don’t worry about someone liking you back in the same way and to the same level. And, like with a crush, you need to not get so far out over your skis that you end up crashing. It’s easy to inadvertently get so caught up in the New Friendship Energy that you get too intense for someone and cause them to back off. This can be especially tricky when dealing with friendships with someone who’s of your preferred gender; an intense friendship — or the desire for one — can come across like romantic interest. A lot of folks, women especially, have had people try to use friendship as a Trojan horse for starting a romantic or sexual relationship, so they’re understandably cautious.

And honestly, it sounds like you’re coming across as really intense, so I’m not entirely surprised she’s got her shields up.

Part of the issue here is that it sounds a lot like you’re taking the wrong tack for trying to improve your friendship with her. If you’re focusing on “what can I do to be a better friend”, then it’s really easy to trip yourself up. The idea of understanding somebody’s love languages applies as much to friendship as it does to romantic relationships; if, for example, your language is gifts or acts of service and they don’t receive in that way, it can come across as though you’re trying to create friendship via a sense of obligation. It may not be what you’re intending — you just like doing things for your friends — but intent ain’t magic, especially if it’s setting off their Spidey-sense.

It’s also not how you build a friendship.

The key to building friendships and transitioning from “acquaintance” to “friends” to “good friends” is through time and repetition.  Spending time together, doing things you enjoy and enjoying each other’s presence is the core to turning an acquaintance into a good friend. Hanging out, grabbing a beer, playing games together or otherwise having fun — including good conversation — are how you solidify the ties between you and your friend. And, critically, it needs to be leisure time, when the two of you choose to spend time together. Spending time when you are required to, such as at work or on school projects, doesn’t have the same effect.

And when I say “time”, I mean it. It takes approximately 50 hours to go from “acquaintance” to “casual friend”, about 100 hours to become “good friends” and more than 200 hours to become “best friends”.

So if you want to be friends, you need to just slow your roll and be willing to invest the time and let the friendship grow organically. Trying to force it or rush it is how you end up coming across as entirely to eager and end up putting people on the defensive. That eager-to-please excitement can be adorable in a child or a puppy, but it’s kind of annoying (at best) in a grown-ass adult.

Right now, you’ve pushed a little too hard and she’s putting up some boundaries for her own emotional protection. The best thing you can do rebuild her comfort and trust by showing that you respect those boundaries. If she’s worried about hanging out with you one-on-one for now, then don’t push it. You can still see her, but you will just have to do so at group events and the like. Show that you are willing to prioritize her comfort and limits and she’ll see that mistaking your friendship for romantic interest was just a wacky misunderstanding.

But it’s going to be on you not to push too hard or let your enthusiasm get too intense. You can still chat, you can still hang out… but you may just need to let it be a series of short, shallower conversations, or hang-outs in group settings. Be willing to let her take the set the pace, keep things low-key and you won’t end up overdoing it.

Now here’s the question you need to ask yourself: is the label “best friends” really so important to you? Is it so vital that she gives that stamp to your relationship, or can you simply just appreciate that you are friends without having to quantify it? Needing to label things in this case sounds a little less like trying to define the relationship and more about the validation of her saying “yes, you’re my BFF”. Focusing on the exact level of your friendship meters with regard to one another or trying to plan things out 20 years from now is a lot like a finger pointing to the moon; if you focus on the finger, you miss all the heavenly glory. Be in the now, live for this moment; otherwise all you do is sabotage your future and miss out on your present.

If you want to be a good friend to her, then appreciate the friendship for what it is, instead of strategizing how to turn it into more. Just relax and enjoy the time you spend together; that’s how you become best friends.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com